I said I didn’t
but I did
I wasn’t supposed to
give a ****
Never seem to
get ahead
imagining scenarios
in my head
They’re always too good
to be true
I die alone if
I die with you
I die alone if
I die with you

End it when I can’t
seem to think
of anything that
means anything
Add a break then
start again
Treat it all as one
in the same
Treat it all as one
in the same

Repeat it to make
it seem important
It only takes more
energy
The reward is
fleeting
But you’re still
here reading
But you’re still
here reading

And that’s comforting

The end

I try to push it inside of me
but it is too ******
Why was I made this way?
Is it because Eve was hungry?
Starving for love

I try to take it out
but my fingers are stumbling
Never been good
in times of gushing
I hear your change of tone
Is it because you don’t want me?
Is it because of me?
I am starving for love

It is much lighter now
but that is always deceiving
I love the way you love me
but hate how you leave me
starving for love

Do you think of me as your baby?
Do you want to take my pain away?
Would you take it on
so it’s not on me?
Because I’m yours
and you’re here to stay?

It always makes me feel so crazy
How much I want you
but can’t stand the thought
How easy it would be and how hard
You only wanted someone like you
Maybe one day I’ll be glad that I am not

It feels so wrong to think about moving on
as if our connection is something impermanent
As if you chose me and regretted it since
I know there’s nothing that you owe me
But you’ve always known the expectation
And I think you resent me because you failed

It’s always made me feel so lonely
Sometimes I think I’m less of a woman
because of you
Learned everything through the lens of my daddy
until he crushed and wasted me, too

I never feel as angry now
I fought for you, not knowing what I was up against
And when you were crying at the counter
I tried to love you
You couldn’t let me in

Why must you tear it
from my hands-
they have borne
so much for you

Do we all go to the same place?

Foiling all our plans-
does it mean
that much to you?

Do we all go to the same place?

There is no sunlight
in hell-
that much I know
is true

And if we all go to the same place
I will not go with you

Please don’t look at me,
now I feel naked
And I would hate it
If I never saw you again

It has taken me
somewhere vacant
and I can’t find
my way home

I feel a shade
jaded
when I’m walking
in the storm

She was not the first
nor the last
daughter of ten too many men
Trapping her worth
in passing glances
that last too long
but not long enough
to be worth it

I love her until she takes herself seriously
We all know she’s a joke to me

I listened to you
so exclusively and intently
I never
want to hear you again

Like a friend,
turned enemy,
turned so much more
in the end

And all the songs
you used to sing
spin out of control
in my head

I used to find it
maddening
until I finally
let it sink in

You only ever
spoke the truth to me
Oh, on that night…
You took me for granted

I still listen for you
at my doorstep
but you will never
step foot again

My friend,
senselessly turned enemy
How poorly you left me
for dead

I loved to hear
you sing -
a precious memory
left in my head

I used to think you
were too good for me
but maybe I was
the better friend

My favorite flower is a ****
But aren’t they all

Sometimes I feel like a body-
sentience too hard to comprehend
Sometimes I feel like an animal-
and, after all, I am

Toes curling in the shower
It is amazing what we do for pleasure
The line is fine as death is final
All I want is to try again

Sometimes I feel uncomfortably aware-
subjected to overanalyze everything
Sometimes I feel helpless and infantile-
all I ever do is cry

Legs shaking in the shower
It is amazing how it kills the hour
The line is permanent as misery is terminal
Nothing ever pacifies

All I need is a second chance

It is hard to believe you’re sad
when you are sad all the time
I think your clock is broken
Let’s fix it
Keep talking to me
I need you

Darkness
shines light
Don’t make it
too bright
No one needs
to see it

The quiet
is loud
Can’t make it
out
No one ever
listens

Darkness
abounds
Don’t make
a sound
It is too bright
I see too much

You always watched
us getting off
in the mirror
as if the reflection
did it better than me

Bringing the phrase
“foot in mouth”
a new meaning-
as translucent as I am-
deep down I wished
you could see

A ***** West Virginia girl-
maybe you saw more
than I care to admit
You knew how to
give it to me
like the soulmate
you could never be

When did it all get turned upside down?
I really shouldn't be here
Will I ever live this down?
Couldn't you’ve just imagined me here?

It was years ago
and I should have known
I remember you
I was sixteen years old... however many years ago
I think I should remember, too

You're on the back of my mind,
and then you're on my neck
Is all we lost
truly behind us?

It was years ago,
you left me in the cold,
but I remember you
I was sixteen years old,
and yet I should have known
Will I ever remember, too?

If you're my hero
why did you let me down?
You really shouldn't be here
If you're my hero
why was I on the ground?
You got what you wanted

You’re on the back of my mind
when they’re on my neck
All of this because
of a broken, silent promise

I try to give myself grace
I try to hold the space
But I find that when I say
“if it’s not right now,
it’s okay,”
I feel like I’m lying

I want to get it out
without incisions
but I have my doubts
And with all the time
I’ve taken to find,
it feels like
I’m not even trying

I have no superstitions
about the end
But if it all could
just begin again…
I feel more comfort
than I’d like to in believing
that everything will stop happening

If I could find out what I want
and ease the anger at everyone
I hold each knife in my back
like a shield of armor
that leaves me vulnerable
And I find that when I say
“I know everything
will be okay”
it feels like a lie

To end the weight of grief
To have something to believe
To heal the wounded knife
To find out what to find
To have somewhere to belong
To know my favorite song
To garner the strength to try
before the new year’s ending

It’s the way he woke up laughing
and she woke up looking for me
And how, because I was there,
no one was afraid

I got out wishing I had died
Like after a car crash
when they make you sleep
to manage the pain

I hear my reasons
right outside the door
I try to feel joy
and it’s there, but in silence

And everything starts to lose meaning
I know I need to be here
I know it doesn’t really matter
An existential threat

I cannot believe it
Do you not think of me all the time?
I have so much love to give
Always so much on my mind

I wish I believed you
I wish you were right
I don’t know how I got here
It feels like I’ve just woken up

I fall asleep laughing
and wake up half asleep
I wake up
I wake up

It’s the buzz to the brain
and the lack of restraint
and all this pain
I carry with me

It’s the way it catches fire
and makes me a liar
so I have reason
to hate myself

It’s the way people
say my name
without any understanding
of what it means

It’s the reflex,
I guess,
that causes all this
pain seeking
muscle memory

Eat your shame
It doesn’t go away
Regurgitate
like you’re overweight
You need more meat
on your body to hate

She promised to **** him off
in the parking lot
for her drink of choice
She was far too young
for either one
but had nothing left to lose

Swallow your pride
It doesn’t go down easy
Don’t let him see you
cringe in disgust
You need more secrets
to hate yourself for

Cut your skin
wide open
Underneath even you know
you’re worth more
It can only get better
and I don’t take it for granted

Uncomfortable in her skin
unless it was naked
No confidence in
a word she said
unless they were slurred
So she ate her shame
every ******* day
She swallowed her pride
and kept her promises
It all cut her skin wide open