It is strange to think
that I will never again
smoke a cigarette
for as long as you
and I live

Does the universe
expand?
Or do we just
push it to its
limitlessness?

Already I feel
so unworthy of you
You are an angel
but I am no god

Maybe I will be better-
benevolent and unenvious
I would be anything
for you

It’s strange to think
that I could produce good
into a world
that has brought me to my knees
I now cradle you in my heart
and fall asleep

I let you escape
out of my grasp
to perpetuate
your task

I let you escape
No fluid left
Too much time
has passed

I let you escape
I couldn’t believe
Oh, you were so sick
and pretty

I let you escape
out of my grasp
I didn’t know I deserved
to say no

I don’t want to deal with heartache anymore;
don’t want to feel you in my pores
I want out of here
I know you are the only way
So, can you stay, just for tonight?
Can we pray for some light?
And if we stay here all our lives,
can we pray that it is right?
I just want to feel good
and to make it feel good for you
If you think I should,
I will kneel before you
ON THE CROSS
Oh, my hands are bleeding
You never said! You never bled!
I don’t see why I am being punished anymore
I have praised all my demons with justification
Though, I still need a way to find
instant gratification
So, can you forget just for tonight?
Can we pray since we can’t fight?
And if I say that I will be all right,
can we pray that the end is in sight?
I just want to feel you
and in one touch find the truth
If I pull through
I will kneel before you
IN THESE CHAINS
Oh, the dirt, it infects my blood
You never rested! I’ve been molested! Oh, my friend!
If you were resurrected
I may slay you again
This ******* holy water tortures me
Hey, I found a bible; it was burning
You left me soulless and yearning to believe
****, at this point, I would believe anything
So, can I pray if just out of fear?
Can anyone say if the end is near?
Can I battle off all my fears?
Will this be my last year?
And will I ever be born again?
Can my body ever be cleansed?
Lead me to a mirror to make amends
SHATTERED GLASS pierces all my friends
I was never told this would be easy
I was never told I had a ******* choice
No one ever told me it was okay to speak
I was never told to have a voice
So, I don’t
Also, *******.

Is it the smoke
or is it my breath?
Either one-
the call of death

I think of my mind
as a gold mine
But how do I tell
such an awful story?

Time stands still
and nothing changes
I don’t know how to survive

Time stands still
and nothing changes
I take my life

If only there was
something perfect
I could exist
And if you were real
and I didn’t miss you
it would be different

In a dream
we fixed this
distance between us
I wake up
and everything changes
for the worst

He liked to watch
a woman struggle
I can’t change that
I’m no one’s savior
You’re not helpless
I am only here
to lift you up
so you can leave

Do you feel empowered yet?

And I would much rather
tear you down
so you will stay
But that’s not my agency
I am sorry for everything
I’m still not well
Where did you go?

It’s the buzz to the brain
and the lack of restraint
and all this pain
I carry with me

It’s the way it catches fire
and makes me a liar
so I have reason
to hate myself

It’s the way people
say my name
without any understanding
of what it means

It’s the reflex,
I guess,
that causes all this
pain seeking
muscle memory

Darkness
shines light
Don’t make it
too bright
No one needs
to see it

The quiet
is loud
Can’t make it
out
No one ever
listens

Darkness
abounds
Don’t make
a sound
It is too bright
I see too much

Wake up in an unfamiliar cold bed
Warm blanket, back exposed
Not sure how you got there-
but you did it to yourself

Fighting tubes- back to sleep
You only wanted to apologize
They will never understand
And again- you never want to wake up

Rushed back into full consciousness
No compress for your bruised arms
Honesty becomes your worst enemy
when all you want is to go home

Neighboring, neglected withdrawal cries
A midnight delusional in your room
Halls filled with the souls of strangers
You never asked to be woken up

Rough socks, ammonia scented floor
Bolted windows- no escape
All you want is to go home-
but you did it to yourself

She said “you’re smoking”
I said “you are, too”
She asked me to put it out-
something I could never do

She said “it is snowing”
I said “it is glowing- I am afraid”
She told me to make an angel
before it’s too late

Self soothing
turned into
holding my own
hand
It is comforting.

Staying awake
to watch you sleep
It makes me tired
I always want to
attribute my pain
to something
but everything
is fine

I hold my own hand
It comforts me
when everything
goes wrong

Falling asleep
before you
I miss everything
and it is all my fault

Everything is fine
Don’t comfort me
I am in so much pain
There is no relief

Everything is wrong
How do you complain?
I am only reaching out
for your hand

Why must you tear it
from my hands-
they have borne
so much for you

Do we all go to the same place?

Foiling all our plans-
does it mean
that much to you?

Do we all go to the same place?

There is no sunlight
in hell-
that much I know
is true

And if we all go to the same place
I will not go with you

You always watched
us getting off
in the mirror
as if the reflection
did it better than me

Bringing the phrase
“foot in mouth”
a new meaning-
as translucent as I am-
deep down I wished
you could see

A ***** West Virginia girl-
maybe you saw more
than I care to admit
You knew how to
give it to me
like the soulmate
you could never be

It is funny how things,
such as this,
are brought up
at the worst
possible moment.
I find it funny
yet it is nothing
to laugh about.

The way I hurt myself
more
when I am already hurting.
The way I always feel like
I need to settle the score.

I have loved everyone
who has ever hurt me.
You know how they say
it is always someone
you know.

Perhaps I never felt
anything about it
because I brought it on
myself.
I have self-inflicted wounds
from every man
I’ve slept beside.

Not you, my purest
love;
you are who I dreamed
about
as I was drowning in the mud
of my own mistakes.

Maybe I never talked about it
because mean mommy
liked him
and it would’ve been
an embarrassment
for everyone to see it
just the same as me.

And maybe I never
thought about it
out of fear
that it might
actually hurt me-
but that was always the point.

There was never a reason.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash
It is too much.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash
It is too much.
And I am sorry.

Will I be the last leaf?
You are the fire
burning ash
and it is too much
and I am sorry.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?

The here and now
A place in time
The world feels so soft
and open

Fulfilling my wish
A three part kiss
where time stands still
and I seize the moment

On the brink of lust
With each healing touch
And suddenly the world
appears less broken

The here and now
A place in time
Our soft worlds collided
and wide open

I have an awful habit
of always going
where I am needed
and never having
my needs met
until someone
realizes it
and relieves it
A gust of wind
pierces through
my soul
Buttons torn off
and floating
Blouse torn
down the middle
as I walk
into mourning
I own a body
I don’t believe in
If only it could
match my soul’s
experience
I try to age it
by smoking heavily
and then burning
all the evidence
Such lies
always lead to
happiness
and never
severance
I wear my heart
on the outside
like an infant
held in reverence  
simply for surviving

I do it because
it feels good
but I don’t
want to
I use words
to get away
with the ******
of myself
Sometimes
suicide is
the only
answer
In my mind
it will never
end because
it never began
I can’t lie
because
I believe all the
******* I say
If only you
were lucky enough-
I would really
go away
We can hate
anyone who
treats us poorly
but not ourselves
We can ****
ourselves slowly
with alcohol
but not ******
I watch a fight
on a screen
and there’s people
in the audience
The closest man
to the fight
only stops them
sometimes
How does
someone win
with blood
on their hands?
Why even
teach our
children
not to fight?
Why even teach our children not to fight?

Fear.
Immobilized.
You cannot hear
her crying eyes.
Run.
She flies away
like butterflies,
only lives
for a little time,
no one pays
her any mind.
Pain.
Shivering.
No longer in the dark,
yet she cannot see,
cannot feel
anything.
Escape.
She hides away
like when bears hibernate,
cannot let you in
until it’s too late
to be forgiven.
Assimilating.
Incrimination.
You cannot see
the invalidation in her eyes.
Fight.
She runs from you,
like a deer in the headlights,
soon dies
because you could not see her in time,
did not pay her
any mind.
Growth.
Love.
You cannot leave
her alone.