you didn't break my heart
you made me hope

hope like a knife
that opened up my soul

hope warmed me like a fire
and made me feel again

I feel the cold

I feel the weight of being so alone

hope drove me though
I was afraid to start

hope shared with you my fears
my dreams
my art

hope brighter than the Sun
that burned my eyes
till there were no more stars

and now
alone
I truly know the dark

I cannot let people in
I cannot let you get through
I cannot take down these walls
I do not know what to do

I built these walls for a reason
Looking back it all makes sense
I learned not to share myself
Naive misguided self defense

Now I have outgrown this prison
I don't want to be alone
How can I convince myself
That I am worthy to be known?

This is an act of defiance
Walls can't stop me when I write
No doors here
But words are windows
Screaming out into the night

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't walk very far

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't walk quietly at all

when I wear the shoes you want
I can't outrun you anymore

someone that you can control

I think that is what you want

maybe I am drawn to darkness
so that I can be a light

the small feather that tips the scales
between "I cannot" and "I might"

a strange encounter that resets you
just enough to stay and fight
for one more night

maybe enough time to decide
to stay alive

I know that door
I've been locked in before
but now I have the keys

I hope that I can help you heal
or keep you safe from harm at least

I wish that I could be that voice
that you could follow back to peace

I walk at night
carry my light
and call to you

come walk with me

there was a man
who climbed a mountain
all the way into the clouds

and the Buddha walked beside him
silent
he said not one word

when he reached the top
the man saw
the mountain was made of skulls

not only human
but of every other kind of animal

the Buddha turned to him and said
"you will understand the Dharma

only when you understand
that these are all your skull."

we are an infinite                regress
    of reflections and           refractions
    of actions and         reactions
         complex       fractions
of interference     patterns    
and mathematical    interactions  
intricately intersecting    connections      
   branching on   tracks
through the     confusing   profusion       
of this soothing     illusion   we create      
            of reality     being a   place         
tessellating in   parallel  space   
               like an  abstract fractal  
in an interdimensional tesseract
reflecting back on itself forever

we walk boldly
through a world
where we can be killed
by a drop of water
a grain of sand

we move mountains
and destroy rivers
determined to become gods
burning down eden
to tear down the stars

but in all our power
we are like children
alone in the night
we tremble
at the open question of darkness
and weep with naked fear

Cassiopeia seems to melt
from the sky
to the ink black sea

radiant luminescent beams
a fiery crown for a dark Queen

but that pale fire is strange and green
and nothing like what I have seen

all the way from the horizon
to above my airplane window
this unearthly apparition
shows the shape of one dark wing

glowing
hovering and growing
moving like a living thing

in my mind and to my eye

alien
aware
alive

a strange and bright and haunting sight
a hundred miles
above the sea

I am what I call I
and I am limited
bilateral
a labyrinth of memories
a galaxy of minerals

I am what I call I
infinitesimal
ephemeral
a dream of being separate
from all the other chemicals

I am what I call I
and I am living
biological
a symphony
of static electricity and molecules

but when I look behind
the many mirrors of my mind
I am the world
I am the sky
I am more than what I call I

I wonder who is watching us
and where
and with what eyes

shimmering like an oasis
in the desert of the sky

whispering into the darkness
a strange symphony of light

trembling with sound and fury
in the silence of the night

where did we come from
stones and stars
and why are we the way we are
will we all learn the truth one day
does anybody know the way

is the light on the other side
alive
a dagger of the mind
a warning sign
a glitch in time
why is it so bright
who decides

will we still fight when we are beat
are we a secret we can keep
will we know if we go too deep
is life a language we can speak

will we live on beyond the Sun
where to
and what will we become
we know no matter which direction
we will have so many questions

Every action
and reaction

Level and endeavor

In the end
it's all just echoes
that reverberate forever
ever

Everything we know
and everything
we say and do

In the end
it's all just memories

and I'll remember you

we all give             but we find
         so much time          we are all            
    just to find          just a moment
who we are               in time  

we are all only here for a while
we are all just a moment
so I'll take a moment
to smile

I am made of energy
evolving into light

I am a wave
a galaxy

revolving in the night

we turn away from other days
we make it brave
to stay alive

we curse the old
almost as if to say
"How dare you have survived?"

is this a way to hedge our bets
to guard us from our fear of death?

do we believe we will forget?
do we confuse "no" and "not yet"?

and why are we surprised to see
that those who were
were just like we

who swear that we will always stay
the same way
that we are today?

and I am sure they also swore
they would be new
forevermore

we know the score

but all the same
we dare to live another day

these are not my words
these are not my ways

these are not my hands
this is not my face

so ashamed to be
hiding from myself

do not look at me
I am someone else

I move forward one step at a time
sometimes I stop
and step to the side
sometimes slow and sometimes fast
sometimes fear sends me running back

and still I chase
the man with no face
and when his name changes
I don't change my pace

I only feel safe
with someone who craves space
and no matter what changes
it is the same chase

we are alive because we won
some cosmic lottery of laws
a battle versus antimatter
everything we know and are

we are alive because we won
the perfect distance from the Sun
where water flows and life may grow
upon, along, above, beyond

we are alive because we won
a litany of love and war
we wonder from atop our tree
where have the other branches gone

between the void and kingdom come
between infinity and none
and of that number
only one

we are alive because we won

you left my heart wide open
how does it feel to see
these other influences
reaching into me

you took my love for granted
you thought you knew the score
you treated me like nobody
you thought I was still yours

a wild bird in a broken cage
with a new song to sing
now I can know the sky again
now I can feel my wings

this is a better way to love
a better way to live
set free
the sky wide open
my heart is mine to give

everywhere
we see the hand
that wrote our pattern in the sand

no face
but within all faces

no place
but within all places

do you dream?
are you our friend?
do you tell spacetime how to bend?

I want to understand
but I have never seen beyond the sand

Is this freedom?

I am just like you are
Or pretend to be
Do you do this too?
Are you just like me?

Repressing ourselves
To impress one another
A regress of mirrors
Reflecting each other

compared to the past
it all seems so tame
now I can see the path
and the monsters have names

I looked fear in the eye
and I walked away
I have seen darker days
why should I be afraid?

I felt like I was drowning
a well in my head
something wanted me dead
and I said
not today

though sometimes I still say
I can't cope anymore
I have been there before
there is always a way

I don't want to miss you
it hurts to stay silent
but I hold my tongue
and pretend to be strong

I wish you would speak to me
even one word
but we both know one word
wouldn't hold me that long

a world full of lovers
who want me to love them
cannot understand what I need
but you do

a whole sky full of stars
and you paint it all blue
who could let me forget
there is no one like you

when you submit poems
and they don't go through
‧͙⁺˚･༓. check your drafts .༓･˚⁺‧͙
that's usually where they get sent

otherwise I can't tell you where they went
which is most likely very frustrating for you

all the rage I could engage
has never made me strong

and all the shame at being strange
has not made me belong

all my fear of bombardiers
has not resolved their quarrels

and all the guilt that I have felt
has not made me more moral

what was the point of all that pain?
it didn't fix a thing

I can't take back the past
but now I can take back the reins

time to stop spiraling
self sabotaging
second guessing

after years of cruel punishment
I've finally learned my lesson

I wish I knew
how to deal with it all

the pain and confusion
behind all my walls

echoes on echoes
of unburied guilt

rewinding my mind
to the heart
to the hilt

crushing my soul
deeper than any nerve

a torment I still tell myself
I deserve

I see the truth
through a kaleidoscope

I'll refract it all back
I will not give up hope

I've fallen out of love
and now I don't have much to say
I think a little writer's block
is better than that pain

the pareidolia transforms
into another pattern
and signs that used to point to you
now do not seem to matter

though this is not to say
it's always so easy to cope
I really feel the cold
without the false heat of false hope

but now my eyes are open
to the way I truly feel
and I can put my hope into
a search for something real

.                 boring                                               organized         .
  ******                                               elegant
     rude                                              funny
capriciou­s                                           exciting
  slutty                                        ****
  d­angerous                                    powerful
           fascist      Χ               6     obedient  
  scary     Ξ         6     cool
  wild     Σ  6    alive
  in truth we are
    human as you
    our demons are
    our   angels   too

how long
until I pull myself together
and rise up

how many years
until I realize

I deserve the same respect
the same compassion

as any other being
on the face of the Earth

all I need to do
is open my hand

how long will it take
to find the strength
to do that

no one has my heart
no one colors my art
no one lights up my soul
like a million stars

no one knows me like that
no one loves me that way
when I get in my head
no one knows what to say

no one sees me clear
and still holds me dear
I reach out in darkness
no one is here

no one seems to me
the way the one should be
truthfully
maybe no one
is the one for me

what is courage?
I know how it feels:
like my spine is made of steel
is it a tool of the mind
or fire that comes down from the sky?
or that determined voice inside:
"I will not let the fear decide"
maybe I will never know
but I feel courage in my soul

a river flows
where no one goes

this is a place
where no one stays

one day I will lose everything

one day
or day by day by day

and time will be
the end of me

and I will be
a memory

and all who still
remember me

the river will
wash them away

I am lost in it
the storm fills my whole world
and I forget the Sun

a beautiful rainbow fills my sky
I am shining in its light

closing my eyes against the rain

I'm not hungry
but I need to eat
I'm not tired
but I need to sleep

to what extent do I control
the actions of this animal?

if this is all a part of me
some solipsistic fever dream
why do I choose to manifest
this soul destroying loneliness

reality does not reflect
my deep desire to connect
so I have reached the conclusion
I must not be the only one

could I see
all the beauty within me
with my eyes open?

I want to love and be loved too
that's more than I can ask of you

I want you to care about me
and make me your priority

maybe I can't find the words
maybe it's more than I deserve

but all the silence in the world
won't hide my eyes
that tell the truth

I like being understood by you
It's a rare experience for me
I want to understand you too
But if you wanted to be understood
You would be

all alone
in the infinite darkness
I reach out my hand

I was always different
in my own infinite little ways
and though I am still very strange
the way I live my life has changed

now I have many different friends
who like me how I really am
and do not ask me to pretend
they listen and they understand

but often even now
I am around people who aren't like that
and every now and then
I feel like I am that weird kid again

but then with my real friends
I am so happy to come back
I hope I never will forget
how much it matters to have friends like that

I had forgotten
day by day
there was a world beyond this labyrinth
until you lit a fire
and lit up a whole world of stars

a sea of half-remembered echoes
whispers through these halls
but in this darkness
I will walk through walls
just to follow the fire

practice being kind
for the next ten thousand hours
be kind to yourself

if I can feel it
for someone else

it isn't love
it's loneliness

that makes me wish
that you would stay

that makes me blue
when you're away

a carnival of animals
all flesh and bone and pheromone

can't categorize our chemicals
so guess at words

like love
and home

I see the future
I see my whole world in flames
and I look away

I am moving
through emptiness

building a bridge
in front of me
as I walk

I taught myself to read
to understand other people
to feel empathy

I taught myself to see how they feel
to understand why they believe
what they believe

I taught myself to dream
a world where I could be free

I taught myself to be me

I taught myself that
it's OK to learn
OK to burn
OK to scream

I taught myself that it's OK to curse
OK to be worse than someone else on the team

I taught myself to forgive monsters
and the hard world that sharpened their teeth

I taught myself that
everyone cries
everyone lies
everyone dies
everyone deserves to be alive
even me

but the idea that I deserve to be loved
completely
is still just out of reach
for some reason
that's the hardest idea for me to teach

like Heaven
it's something I wish
I could just close my eyes and believe

it's not that easy

but I WILL find a way
one day

you'll see