did you see
the way her eyes
were screaming for help
while she said she was okay?

did you feel
the way
her knees shook
as she ran
catching her train
of thoughts?

did you hear
her voice crackle
as she laughed
at your dumb joke?

did you taste
the salty tears
that ran down
her pale lips
the other night?

No, you didn't.
all you did
was pat her back.

All you did
was ride
that tormenting
train ride.

All you did
was laugh along
with your joke.

All you did
was kiss her lips
thinking she'd be fine
thinking it'd be over.

I know you’ve been broken
and your scars remind you of the fear
of all the hollow words spoken
they’ve come to destroy you, my dear.

You ask me
If I've considered suicide
Like I'm actually going to answer
Honestly

I mean,
What would I say?

Yeah that's all I think about
Please,
Put me on piles of medicine
So I can be crazy
As well as sad

But let me tell you
I most definitely
Have considered it

I've got the perfect tree picked out

It's got the perfect branch
For hanging yourself
There's a rope already attached

Or if you prefer,
It's easy to climb
You could always just jump

These are two options
But wait,
I've got more

There's a lake out back
It smells bad
But you could definitely still drown

Or better still,
There's a great knife in the kitchen
Really thin blade
But it's super sharp
For minimum pain
And maximum blood

Yet still,
There's more

I've got duct tape in the basement
You could make yourself suffocate

Of course,
You could use your pillow for that

There are the long ways

You could starve yourself
Sleep deprivation
Dehydration
Etcetera

So Mr.
"Psychological Doctor,"
I don't know...

Would you say I've thought about suicide?

You would think she was an actress with the amount of lines she has...

If every mile between us was a year,
we would be millennia apart.
If every lonely breath was a dying star,
the night sky would be black as ink.
If every tear was a page in a book,
between us, we could fill volumes.

If every bit of longing was a rubber band,
my heart would explode from pressure.
If every moment alone was a color lost,
my world would soon go dark.
If every day without you was a heap of gold,
I would sacrifice it in a heartbeat.

If only were together again,
the distance would close,
the sun would return,
the pages would burn.

If only I could see you again,
my heart would ease,
I’d regain my sight,
I would be alright.

She is an artist,
Of red lines that cover her waist.

She is a singer,
Of brutal screams and cries that are never heard.

She is a doctor,
Of fixing every broken heart she sees.

Yet she is a victim,
Of pain and constant internal longing.

But she is a fighter,
And you'll never know she's any different to the little 4 year old you first met her as.

I’m not upset.
I’m not.
I’m not disappointed,
I’m not.
I’m not sad.
I’m not.
What I am
is scared.
Conflicted.
And left wishing
that I still had
the one person
who would know
what to do
who would be there
by my side
through all of this.
I don’t care.
I don’t.
I just need to
talk to you.
I need you here.

I shouldn’t be mad
that they didn’t invite me.
They’re allowed to do things without me.

I shouldn’t be hurt
that they’re talking right over me.
They’re allowed to have conversations around me.

I shouldn’t feel bad
that they aren’t including me.
They’re allowed to not want me.

Sometimes when I write,
I look for poetic symbolism around me,
It can be hard to find,
So sometimes I make up a story,
Full of metaphors and colour,
But it doesn't seem real,
So sometimes I write about the real things,
That make me angry,
Or upset,
But I just find it depressing,
So in the end I try to open up my heart,
Just a little bit further each day,
And let the words flow like blood,
Organic, free and unprocessed,
Once it starts it's impossible to stop,
I just write and write and write.

Those are my best poems,
But they are the hardest to share.

Too clean,
No character,
A new heart would be,
So I mend my old one,
Stitching up the holes,
That I burnt myself,
It's our scars that tell us who we are,
Not the open wounds or undamaged skin,
It's the places we had to fix ourselves,
Where we made it through,
But we'll never forget,
That shape how we smile,
How we cry,
How we love,
How we hate,
So I can't get a new heart,
But I can make this one better,
And I have,
And I will carry on making it better,
Until I can present it to you with pride,
Instead of embarrassment.