I didn't want to be like her. I don't want to. I dont want to lose control. I don't want it to consume the life out of  me, if i still have one that's still decent enough to be ruined. And now that's all I'm thinking. But thinking further into it, i knew we werent the same. She was lost in the midst of a peace and empty ocean. She couldnt see any land. The kind of peace where silence was her loudest enemy and thats what drove her to the edge. Me, im in a river. Holding a row without a boat. I had the fine illusion that i could take control. And even when i knew, i went with the flow like a fool, trying, i wish i could say mindlessly, trying to get away from the water. There was a destination but it was not mine. It was a preset of how everything should be but its all a blur. It's assurance but a nightmare everytime i close my eyes. It never silenced my mind.

"bakit ka ganyan mag-isip? hindi naman ako mawawala."
yan ang sabi mo sa akin noon
buti nalang hindi na ako naniwala
dahil kung sakali, hanggang ngayon ay magsisinungaling pa rin ako sa sarili ko
"patawad" lang ang naisagot ko
hindi ako perpektong tao kaya sana patawarin mo 'ko
hindi ko na binigyan ng isang segundo ang pag-iisip
dahil ang salitang ito
salitang nanghihingi ng kapatawaran mo
ay matagal-tagal nang nagkukubli sa'kin dito
ngunit bigyan mo ako ng kaunting panahon para magpaliwanag sayo
dahil sa pagkakataong ito lunod na ang sarili sa kasinungalingan
ng "patawad" noong simula palang
"patawad", dahil simula noong iniwas mo ang mga mata mo
noong akala ko ayos pa ang haligi na sinasandalan ko
hindi na ako naniwala
"patawad", dahil pagkatapos noong pagsisigawan natin
tumitig ka sa mata ko, alam kong patibong mo na naman 'to
kaya hindi na ako naniwala
"patawad", dahil sa tuwing sinasabi mo ang salitang "patawad"
halos hindi ko na maihulma sa utak ko ang ibig sabihin mo
kaya ni minsan hindi na ako naniwala sayo
at halos lahat ng salita na binibigkas ng labi mo
patawarin mo ako, dahil sa hangin ko nalang ibinabato
sa pagkakataong ito na nasabi ko na ang salitang "patawad"
sana patawarin mo ako
dahil hindi ko masabi ang lahat ng ito sayo
nais ko, pero ayokong sisihin mo ang 'yong sarili
ayokong isipin mo na ikaw ang nagkamali
pero sana pala binanggit ko nalang sa 'yo 'to
para ngayon hindi lang ako ang nahihirapan na bumitaw
dahil alam ko, matagal ka nang bumitaw
at akala mo ako ang nauna
pero hindi,
hindi, dahil hanggang ngayon nakakapit pa rin ako
alam ko ang totoo pero nakakapit pa rin ako.

I didn't want to go home unannouced
I didn't want to bother anyone in my resting place
I just want to speed up the pace
Fast forward to the void with the sound
Of nothing at all

The world is as cruel as you see it
You see, I lived a life of a beggar
Constantly wishing for anything right to land my hand
As it extends to the air and space in front of me

Nothing, when I wished for nothing I got exactly what I wanted
I reached out and, fate,
Fate is crueler than you think it is,
than you leaving me with uncertainty and leaving me

you see, fate has always been on the upper hand
no regrets and never thinks twice
now when it decided we fall apart.
We fell apart.

Harder than you thought it was
Concrete was concrete
I landed perfectly on it
Bones broken, thoughts disoriented and tears flowing

Acceptance.
Acceptance was harder than healing
It was more painful, aggravating
Wearing a flowery mask, a façade, a disguise

you’re not the only one that matters

And maybe im saying this because people have constantly reminded me the same thing. And maybe I want someone to feel the same way as I felt. Maybe I wasn’t that kind. Maybe I wanted to see someone suffer just because I got hurt, and yes, I am that kind of person. Maybe I kept it in the back of my head and it kept messing with me. It comes back again and again and again.

It felt right. For the first time in a long time, I've never felt so aligned with the stars. It wasn't oh-no-whats-the-catch kind of happy, it was live-in-the-moment kind of happy, a one-gaze-for-communication happy, a clean-slate-start happy. It was everytime you'll fall you know someone's looking out for you. It was the warm and gentle water giving my back a place to let all my worries float, then I floated.

You pour too much, honey
You can give some to your self
Your bones were not meant to be broken apart
And to be given away as a parting gift
and your heart isn’t gonna take itself to sleep
to give way for another heartbeat
to succeed in making more songs for life to be lived
you deserve someone like your self
your lungs collapsed when you breathe
for anyone who needs serenity
you turn your back to your own battles
you were afraid to go home
when home became just a place
and you don’t know what happens next
you tried to cry
but the rivers were enough for you to sleep, so why?
You tried to look at your path
But you carelessly joined a troubled soul
And you waited for the aftermath
You knew.
You live by faith
And how it would lead to a better fate
You,
You tried not to worry about your pain
Learned how to live and love and die in vain
You deserve someone like yourself.
And not someone who broke you apart
Not someone who decided you were too small
For the eyes to see
Never someone who rated your worth with your color and melody
You weren’t gray
Nor the gave the slightest hint of happy
You provided yourself as the safety net
You never had one for yourself.
So, you,
You deserve someone like yourself.