in a field of green
the bonfire burns bright
there are people everywhere
and your eyes see only me
friends gather 'round
the beer is getting warm
and i am beautiful
when i am in your arms

To God I will pray that you'll remain the same
Through the dust and empty wind of desolate heartbreak
Darling, just remember neither of us is to blame
I remember when you went away, shrouded in shame
Just a scared little boy lost in one big mistake
And to God I will pray that you'll remain the same
Handsome dark locks covered eyes laced with pain,
Eyes that knew too much for one man to take
Please darling, just remember that neither of us is to blame
You came to me with roses while you were covered in rain
Upon my doorstep with a sadness that your eyes can't seem to shake
And to God I will pray that you'll remain the same
Your kisses taste like heaven, but your words feel like disdain
But sometimes you're a dream from which I never want to wake
And darling, please remember that neither of us is to blame
I remember all the hours spent trying to tame
The passion inside us causing so much heartache
But to God I will pray that we'll remain the same
And darling, just remember that we were never to blame.

He asked if he could date her
She said she was too young
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to kiss his neck
She said she didn't know how
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to give up her dreams
She said she didn't want to
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He asked her to take off her clothes
She said things were moving too fast
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He pushed himself inside
She said, "No."
He said, "Don't you love me?"

He got up and he left
Without a glance behind
She whispered,
"Don't you love me?"

Make me want you every day
Nothing but you
Who am I?
Wake up alone
And I claw at my skin
Covered in traces of you
And who am I?
Addict.
I am nothing without you
The world closes up
Without you dripping in my veins
Crave each touch
You have me begging on my knees
“I’ll let the bad parts in.”
Addict.
Hazy vision
I’ve lost my way
I stumble into walls
With your voice dancing in my head
And I fall down
                      down
                            down
Into the abyss.
Craving your touch
Makes everything else lack meaning
Is this a way to live?
Addict.
This love is all-consuming,
Leaves me raw and screaming.
Pushed down and drowning
Can’t come up for air--
Is this love?
I crave you and you fill me up
You pour yourself in me
And I claw my way along
To take yet another hit of you.
Addict.
The sun’s been gone for days
Or weeks, or years;
I can’t tell when I’m living in a world
Revolving around you.
The fog settles all around
The haze has filled my mind
There is one last question
That I grasp to, desperately:
Where did I go?
Addict.

don't cut yourself
why would you?
because the pain is too much
because you hurt inside
the anger and sadness is writhing in you
creating an almost apathetic desire to feel
anything
don't cut yourself
type the words out
type the things that are racing inside you
try to find the perfect words
try really hard
to make your meaning clear
try to explain the heaving hurt inside you
the stones in your stomach
the throbbing in your scarred wrist
try to explain these things
the best you can
on paper
and use ink
instead of blood
to express your pain

here we are again
old friend
we tried to drift apart
to empty out our chests
to drain our broken hearts
over-flooded with tears
of a love gone toxic
here we are again
dear friend
i couldn't forget you if i tried
and god, did i
oh god, did i
i closed my eyes and dreamed of a life anew
but nothing really came close
to making me as happy as you
here we are again
my friend
you are mine, aren't you
there is no one else here now
once again, it's me and you

in another world
there would have been a you and me
and we would have fought
the way we do in this world
but in that world
instead of ending in solemn, silent goodbyes
the fighting
ends
in
kisses

they say i'm like a doll,
with porcelain skin and
fragile limbs, but i'm not
the one sitting complacently
by my bed. he came
in a box, and he smiled
the same plastic smile
every time i played
him. i smiled too,
and the way he sat
by my bed every night
gave us plenty of time
to play. but i only want
what i can't have, and
his plastic smile faded
as i found new toys and carried
them into bed. he kept waiting,
patiently, since it's so hard
to tell when you've been
outgrown. but he noticed
that new plastic smiles
kept looking back at him,
sitting by the bed. he noticed how
i only ever came around
when my bed was empty and
my heart was full. and then
he'd fill me up, because
that's what boy toys do.
they say i'm like a doll,
but when you play with porcelain
limbs, you always end up
stepping on the pieces.

i love you and i can't breathe
without you, there's nothing left of me
i am nothing but an aching wrist
covered in blood
i am a mouth opened wide
but i can't make words anymore
you took my voice away
you took my golden smile
you took all that was left of me
and you've been gone awhile

i broke your heart.
again
and again...
and again.
i broke your heart so shamelessly
and you took it like a man
and you cursed my name.
i came back
and you didn't let your heart sing
you didn't let your heart feel it
not for awhile.
but when you let me in,
god, did you let me in.
your trust was intoxicating
and i took full advantage.
but it was never love.
that was long gone,
lost so many winters ago.
i said goodbye
stiff-backed and determined, and
you waited 'til i turned my back
to wipe your tears away
because you have a silent pride
that i can never touch.
i know you would answer
if i came back again
and that is why
i never will.
because i know you would answer
and i know that i would leave
again.

hail to the hero
and what a hero you are
you made girls believe in you
one by one
knocking them down
like bowling pins,
and i was your strike.
your marble eyes
caved me in
you struck me down
all at once
but it's the end of our game
and you left me
in pieces

She set the table
with two cups, two plates,
two hearts in mind
and then she ate alone
for the very last time.

it makes me sick that
you are not my last first kiss;
it kills me inside.

white stocking feet, black bow
askew. lips ruby red, she waited
for you to come. she leads you
by the hand, etches her name
into your heart with the
razor of which she's grown
so fond. she smiles
with those garnet lips, the ones
that match her arms and the gentle
drips that slide down your chest.
she moves in with her hips,
those hips that beg
to be touched, and you look her in
the eye. her mouth opens,
tongues collide, but then she pulls
away, whispers in your ear
"you don't know
who you're dealing with" and slips
away, a thief in the
night, a starry-eyed
temptress, a
white stocking devil

i went with them
on cigarette breaks, and they watched
me shiver in an outfit
not exactly appropriate

for fall. i saw them looking
before i chose to look at the stars
instead. there were rusted swings
and all i could do was move

back and forth. they whispered
to each other and i knew
what they were saying and i knew that
they told you i was there and how

austin kept staring
and how pj tried to get me
alone.
how matt and chad and i were kindred
for a night. how i couldn’t bear

to erase the texts, not yet. it was midnight
before we even started walking
chad was the one who suggested it,
and i followed.

matt did, too, and carol
came because i am small and she wasn’t
about to let me go
alone. so we walked.

chad and i were in front
and we found a common ground
that i don’t think we’ll ever find
again. matt trailed behind, but I knew he heard

every word. i wondered if they thought
i would **** myself if they left me
like you did. matt stayed with me
while the others walked a different way

later i was truly alone
until chad came to find me. my face was wet
but he pretended not to see. we ran
back. i was breathless,

but i couldn't stop. it was 3am
and the beer was gone
but i knew just what i needed so
i sat in the bath tub eating toast

the next day i had to go
home. but i swore i’d always remember
there was one good time
without you.

red
     red
          red
drips



down.


and i am alone again
with elegant designs
all over my arm
a reminder of the mess
that i have caused
a reminder of the pain
that is my fault
a reminder that i
am terribly
depressed
disappointed
and lonely
no matter how hard i
try

i was lucky when i found you
nothing more, nothing less
than being at the right place
at the right time
but we have moved passed that
and i have grown so luckless
and loveless
that my eyes have glazed over
with drops of salty water
that have not been thrown over
my shoulder
so i will need to avoid
black cats and
the Scottish play
and endless other things
and i will hold on
to four leaf clovers
and rabbit's feet
because i need all the luck i can get
when it comes to loving you

we talk
and fight,
kiss and make up.
we hold fast to
the hurt
we cause ourselves
and it piles on
like raked leaves
on an autumn
day. the colors
swirl in patterns,
and sometimes
we see golden
yellow, like the hair
that streams down
my back.
sometimes we see orange,
a sunset streaking
through your black curls.
but mostly,
we see red.

if our words had
a color, it would be
red. the garnet
colored phrases cut deep
and make us believe
we are better off
alone.
but sometimes...
your ice eyes
meet mine and
i freeze
and just look
at you.

and it's in these
moments
that i realize
you are all
the colors,
every day and all
the time, and that
if i were alone,
i would be gray

roses are red
violets are blue
your face feels cold,
and your hands do too.

Thoughts that don't go together
It smelled like summer
May air everywhere
Can we stay like this forever?
You are mine
There is no speaking
Only feeling
Body and soul.
You held my heart
And it wasn't pretty
A sea of scarlet
A pile of mush
A bent up heart
Still beating.
We are a storm
You are an ocean
I am a swimmer
No match for your power
You carry me away
Swallow me whole
Until I cannot breathe
Cannot sleep
Cannot live
Outside of you.
The eye of the storm came
And I had a chance to leave
I was thrown onto the shore
Given a chance to turn away
I look you in the eye
The vastness of your blue, green, gray, spectacular--
I look at your waves
Starting to grow
Fierce
Violent passion
Is it a risk I'm willing to take?
The dark water comes closer
And I know that if I follow
I will not come back
And I beg you with my eyes
"Push me in,
Push me in."

i began to accept
that life was different now
and that i would never
taste your lips again
and that someone else
would feel the flush of your cheek
and the warmth of your smile.
and yet
as soon as i threatened life
with my weak strength
and my forced contentment,
as soon as i pushed forward
through the looking glass
into a life i never imagined
here i fell
right where i wanted to be,
all along.
this was a long-winded journey
to the same spot
i was at
several times before
and yet
i cannot say that
i am sorry things
turned out this way
because it is hard to imagine
your lips tasting as sweet
if i had just taken
the empty, concrete path
that we had been on
before

love love love
i need it like
i need oxygen
in my lungs
like i need
a thorn in my side
you you you
i don't have you
but i need you
like oxygen
in my lungs
and a thorn
in my side
him him him
i don't need him
i know it too
but i suppose
he'll have to do.

i imagine knocks on doors
and whispers in my ear
i imagine things that aren't possible
as long as you aren't here
i can close my eyes
and feel you next to me
when i close my eyes
it's you i see
you are a fever
that won't burn away
and there's no reason i can give you
that will make you stay
nothing makes me sadder
nothing makes me happier too
than this fever inside of me
i am delirious from loving you

you loved me, i loved you,
    and then i didn't.

2. crushed me with words and
    eyes that could see everything.

3. fickle-minded fairies should not
    be trusted; that was your mistake.

4. i was your manic pixie dream--
    time to wake up.

5. you aren't worth ten words.

do you remember crazyland?
do you remember when we swore the only time
we'd get to hold each other
was when (and if) we reached that mystical place?
and how for years we craved it
and to this day know of its power?
do you remember how we longed for it?
"thirty seven years and twenty-six days"
do you remember crazyland?
where we could be ourselves
and where you were mine
and i was all yours
i promised you
that if we ever made it there
i would let you inside
and never let you back out
"i would take you" "i would let you"
i promised you
that you would be my last everything
i craved you more than
i have ever craved anyone
i scratched at my heart
since it would only beat
when you were around
and so
i tried to remove it
thinking it was the only way
to feel at peace without you
do you remember staying up all night
telling each other our deepest secrets?
now we know them all
i never want to hide things from you.
i promised you the world
i promised you ever part of me
and you did the same.
i promised you forever
in this promised land,
this crazyland,
and i promised you
that
crazyland
would be much better
than
here

My brain is an autopsy
Observing your
Remains
Turning them over
And over
Trying to make sense
Of what you left behind
My body is your body
My hands could be yours
Only they are full of life
And yours feel cold in mine
My heart is a eulogy
It remembers only
The things I loved about you
It refuses to acknowledge
How the story really ends
My lungs are a graveyard
I breathed you in
But I cannot
Breathe you out
I am your tomb
And in me you'll remain
And maybe it's me
Who's buried after all

It's true she has expensive taste
Covered in designer from head to feet
But they say she's a cheap date
Because she'll never ******* eat

slashes on my wrists
with my mouth open wide
gasping for air
and hearts shoved inside
choke on the blood
passion, lust, love--
happiness is
red drips
at the bottom of
a bath tub.

i'd been crawling toward redemption
and i'd almost made it there
when a detour to nowhere
sent me straight into the air
take a hit, take a hit
i never wanted to be like this
but when you left me you took my soul
this smoke is all i have left
the haze that i brushed away from you
is surrounding me instead

a girl got hurt too many times
and she didn't want it anymore
her tiny form was shaking
at what else could be in store
since she was small
she was always afraid
so she cut out her heart
and threw it away
she cut out the sadness
the anger, the fear
she cut out anything
that made her shed a tear
she took her knife
and she cut her heart out clean
she didn't stop to think about
exactly what that'd mean
she cut out her desire
she cut out her sighs
she cut out all thoughts
of her eventual demise
she cut it all out
all that made her feel shattered
and it was too late when she realized
she cut out everything that mattered
her heart was still beating
but it was as cold as ice
and that's when she figured out
what makes this world so nice
the hurt and the pain
and the happiness too
all go together
there's no way to choose
what you want in your life
you have to take it all
either that or you cut out
every feeling, big and small
and this little girl
made up of bones and skin
wanted nothing more
than to let the feeling back in
but her heart was like winter
and her knife was cutting air
so she decided to feel
the last thing that was there
she stuck the knife deep
and she smiled as she died
because for the first time in a long time
she felt truly alive

i remember when i met you for the very first time
and i thought i was going to cry
because you were so beautiful and you. weren't. mine.
and i had to go along pretending everything was fine
and i had to go along acting like it was okay
that you weren't mine and
i remember kissing your cheek and wishing it was your lips...
and i remember how it nearly was when my mouth slipped
and i remember how tall you were compared to me
and the way your mouth curled up whenever you looked at me
and i remember how we had a chemistry that he couldn't dream
of making with every element in the world
and how i just wanted to be your girl
i remember when you and i first hung out alone
and how it was to hear your voice outside of the phone
and i remember how it was to breathe you in
and how
i never wanted to be alone again

there is an urn
that will grow from ashes into a tree
i saw it today
and i thought of you
because you are so alive
and so in love with what is real
you will be a tree after you die
and you will keep on living
you will smile at everyone
and wave your full, green branches,
letting people breathe you in.
and i?
i will lie under you
six feet, to be exact
beneath a stone cold grave
proclaiming my death
for i am not alive
anymore

you cried tonight
and the sound made me weak
made me want to stop breathing
it stopped my anger in its tracks
stopped my mind from ever wanting
to repeat the words that hurt you
again
when you cry
i lose all conviction
i lose all thought and reason
and all i want to do
is reach up
and brush your tears away
and hold you sweetly in my arms
leaving both my anger and your sadness
behind

there are ghosts in my walls
and demons in my head
they enchant me with stories
of what it's like to be dead

they cradle me softly
when no one else will
they whisper how lovely
it is to lie still

they sing to me sweetly
and make love to me at night
they tell me there's no way
anything will turn out right

they carry me away
from this place that i call home
this place that feels so empty
and where i've felt so alone

they've dug me up a grave
and they've sung their lullaby well
they don't have to push me in
since all i've known is hell

i step down on my own
and they smile sweetly still
blankets made of earth
are the only things i feel

the spirits wave goodbye
and the last thing that i see
is a new ghost among them
and i can tell it's me.

don't give up
the feeling of catastrophe
don't give up
the feeling of life or death
that came with every boy's call
don't forget
that beautiful pain
when you see her
kissing the one you love
don't forget how you cried
and how you tore open your heart for a night
don't forget how it felt
to be young forever
flying down the street
in your beat up car
used long before you were born
believing that you were the king of the world
don't forget
that one day
you will forget
the painful feelings
of living like today
was your last day

one, two, three, four
you each got
nothing.
deserved
nothing.
because i was an empty body
trying to find peace
with no one
but myself.
one, two, three, four
there was nothing to do
but be there
until i couldn't be
anymore
one:
you saved me
you truly did
you were what i needed
at the time
but you are not
what i need
now
two:
i think of you
and it almost
makes me
***
almost.
three:
you never knew me
you never tried to.
what else is there to say?
four:
you are a liar
and will remain so
until someone
beats you
at your own game
one, two, three, four
the could've beens
the might've beens
the never-will-bes
and I am okay with that
most of the time.

Number One
i kissed you in a ditch
and you liked it
you tried to take me in the woods
i didn't like that

Number Two
you kissed me in front of two hundred people
and i liked it
i didn't let you **** me in your bed
you didn't like that

Number Three
you kissed me in your bed
and we liked it
number two found out
he didn't

i am not one to count my blessings
i usually forget
and i am not one to be selfless,
to remember what i have
when i have it
but there is one thing
that i will never stop thanking god for
and that i will never forget to add
to my prayers at night
and that is
the feeling i get
when our lips
touch

Blonde haired beauty
With pale skin that locks away
Scars
Long since healed
In the physical sense only
Wake sleeping beauty
Your prince, he awaits.
You nymph of a girl
What a queen you will make.
He screams when he sees you
Half-covered in blood
Not him, but you,
Angel
Why couldn't you wait?
He was coming to save you
He was coming one day
He clings to you,
Baby
He cries out your name, saying
"Why wasn't I enough?
Why couldn't you just stay?"
Now, you dear, dead angel
With the halo above your curled hair,
Can only watch your prince weeping
Why weren't you there?

it was nice while it lasted
but i guess you figured out
that it was best to stay
away from me, since
i'm nothing but shallow
water left on the bathroom floor
and you are an ocean
twenty leagues deep.
you dreamed that i'd dive straight
into you, not looking back,
but both of us knew that
i wouldn't be able to
breathe at the bottom.

there was a day when i got lost
and i haven't been seen since
i was slowly climbing up, up, up towards the sun
and the suddenly i was gone
i'd been doing so well
doing so much
and then suddenly it was all gone
and i've been lost ever since
i don't feel things the same way
his kisses that once made me fly
i can now shrug off without a glance
his smiles that made me melt and sing
do nothing.
we are not we
and i am not me
ever since i got lost that day
and i started going nowhere fast
i started feeling emptiness all around me
and inside of me
and he kept going
i stayed empty
and he filled up his world
i stayed empty
and he just wanted his girl
but i was gone
i was so far gone
i'm still gone
can you see me?
can i see me?
there's nothing left of me
i don't have anything
worth living for
all i have is plans for a tomorrow
that will never ******* come
all i have is hope for a future
that will never come to pass
but what about now?
right now?
i have nothing
and the emptiness in my chest
amplifies
the emptiness in my head
the emptiness in my brain, in my soul
the emptiness that remains in my heart
sometimes i can see it in his eyes
that he misses me
i know that i'm not the one he loves
i miss her
the she, the old me, who could light a candle in his heart
the one he truly loves
i miss him
he, the old he, the one who had patience for the pain
the one who truly loves her
i miss her
i miss him
i miss me

We sit in a circle
We're playing Russian Roulette
With life
And I think you're going to lose
You light it up
Take a hit
And in that moment
I see what your life could be
Forever
And
I. Don't. Want it.
You pass it over
I take a hit
And the acrid taste
Does not make me feel
Any different
I sit in silence
And watch you
smile
And you think you've won
But really,
we've both lost
You the game,
and I, you.

your name is
etched in my skin.
all i can do
is try to scratch
it out,
but that only leads
to inflammation
of the JAGged letters
spelling out all
that is left
of teen love
on fire.

Hello Alone, old friend
I always knew you'd come back again
You could not stay away, I see
And so you're here, haunting me
You brought along your friends, those three
Named Sadness, Confusion, and Misery
You all go through my heart's debris
Dancing around in endless glee
Singing, "No one is as sad as she"
I wish that you would let me be
Hello Alone, it's you, old friend
I always knew you'd come back again.

You say I am an angel

You said so as I wore white before you
Stood before you with frail, white curls
and eyes shining blue
you said that i am an angel to you

You say I am an angel
as I whisper in your ear
what I want you to do
someday
soon

You say I'm an angel
as my eyes glow red
as I undress before you
as you watch me sin
upon you

You say I'm an angel
As I kiss you,
everywhere

You say I am an angel
As I cross myself
Before letting you in,
forcing you in
letting you
pound
into
me

you say i'm an angel
but i can only see
the red in my eyes
As your thrusts turn to cries
of ecstasy

angels are sweet
angels are pure
not i, not i

you say i am an angel
and the truth is
i am
only because
angels and i
are both dead inside

you say i am an angel
but my halo is askew
and my wings are drenched
in red

she's all stitched
together, but she's falling apart
at the seams. she's a raggedy ann made up
of despair and button eyes. clumps of hair
fall into her hands, but she won't
admit that something's wrong,
even as she tries to throw up
everything she hates about
herself. only food comes up,
but that'll have to be good
enough. she watches the numbers go
up and down, until her feet barely
have the strength to step
on the scale. her eyes are vacant,
dead and black. her smile is stitched
on, a crooked red mess of yarn and
blood. her ribs are showing, and when
the mirror finally admits that
there's a gap between her thighs, she only smiles
slightly before biting her lip and
noticing the extra skin around her
shoulders. bits of her brain have been worn
thin from lack of sleep and love. she used to cut  
herself until the knife got too heavy
and her arms got too weak to take
the little nicks to the wrist without
threatening to take her whole. on
thanksgiving day, she hid in the bathroom, head
down, with no blessings to count. on christmas
she gave santa all her cookies and sat under the
tree, drinking hot chocolate with cold hands
and pale lips, and a throat so scarred
she could hardly swallow. one day, her tooth fell
out, and she smiled, hiding it under her
pillow, knowing that soon she'd be falling
apart in oh, so many ways. she's a ragged
doll, with stitches all up and down, until
the day she finally cuts the right knot, when
she'll begin to unravel and brittle
bones will fall to the floor with a clatter
and her soul, forever trapped in a cage of
ribs and skin, will finally be free.

i'm going to leave
and he won't know
i've been planning it for months
and he hasn't even noticed
when i do leave
he'll be so surprised
he'll pace through the house
still not seeing
the writing on the walls
that's been there for months
i'm leaving
to find someone
who will take my pencil
as soon as i start writing
about leaving
and kiss me instead
crying out
"Please, don't go."

Would you think that I was worth it
Now?
Many fights later
Many years too late
Would you do what you did then
Now?
I don’t owe you anything
But I’m sorry
Sorry
sorry/sorry/sorry/sorry/sorry/
Endings hurt
and I took your “Hope” away
One day in May
When I decided who I am
Now
I’m not sorry
When it was him or you
I picked me
And that meant him too
No longer you
But was it really ever you?
I guess we’ll never really know
But I guess we know who we are
Now
To tell you the truth
he was always more than a shadow
I hope you miss me

*******

i realize now
that when adults believe that
teenagers are kidding themselves,
believing they're in pain, that they're in love
i realize now
that adults are just trying
to condescend them
trying to cover up
that they can't remember how it felt
to be seventeen
and young forever