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cellobello Feb 2012
Time stops, stands still
As I await in darkness
Swallowing the pain, the pills
Waiting until I feel less

Feeling so lost and alone
Drowning everything out
I drink, disgusted, on my own
Too much after this drought

The pain, the fear, the hate
Tears streaming, too much to bear
Carrying this ballast, this weight
I damage myself so I disappear.
cellobello Feb 2012
I am me and you are you,
But me was you and them
And love and hate,
Then and now,
When and where,
Bitter and angry,
Repressed and obsessed,
And me was guilt and memories.

So I was me and you,
But mainly them,
That and those,
Who and what,
Up and down,
Pleasure and pain,
Alone and empty,
And me was filled with you
and them because me was not right.

Just me was never enough,
Just me never good enough,
So me was others and too little me,
But now you are you and I am just me.
cellobello Feb 2012
I could pretend to be happier
And not need a crutch
But that would be lying
And it would hurt far too much.

I could pretend not to need comfort
As much as I really do
But are my best friend
And I am lost without you.

I could pretend I don't watch it
And talk a lot less
About that thing that I love
But that would make me a mess.

I could pretend I'm not empty
But then I'd be alone
And to be brutally honest
I don't want to be on my own.

I could pretend to be less selfish
And share you with everyone else
But I need you more
And want you for myself.

I could pretend to be more sincere
Talking about love after his dare
Because I really am that selfish
But I really, really care.

I could pretend that I love the world
Just as much as you do
But that's why I listen
Because you always remind me to.

I could pretend that I don't love you
But that would be a lie
Because I want you as my best friend forever
And never have to say goodbye.
cellobello Feb 2012
"You are worth nothing."
Chirping along loudly, painfully loudly,
Laughing and giggling almost hysterically,
Hoping and praying no one can see me.

"You don't deserve anything."
Images of exploding feathers floating by,
Sawed-off shotguns bucking with a war-like cry,
Hiding so obviously anyone can see me try.

"You must be punished."
Chocolate and sugar seems to work best,
The weight in my stomach replacing the one in my chest,
My heart mercifully numb until it joins all the rest.

"You could never be loved."
No longer chirpy except in my head,
Two voices battling - one black and one red,
Losing myself in ways that I always dread.

I hate living like this,
Falling into my endless abyss,
Gorging myself on a sickening bliss.

I pretend that no one will look,
Even though my face is an open book,
And I feel like a worthless crook.

I allow myself to dream and hope,
Knowing that I will never be able to cope,
I'd have better chances ******* the Pope.

I try pretend not to hear these things,
Still aware they're destroying my wings,
While in my head it grates and it rings.

Could I sew up my ears?
Could I tear up my fears?
Would I want to since it's me
And I could never be free?

It always whispers, as a final parting gift
*****
And with closed eyes I am finally set adrift.
cellobello Feb 2012
Reality becomes soft and malleable
when it is an unhealthy one

and imagination is the steel core
which keeps everything from falling apart,

but obsession can turn both on their heads
so that feeling means falling and failing

and lying in the mud, gorging
on shame and hate and filth

while he descends gently, that face compassionate,
those piercing blue eyes deep with innocence

yet so ancient and powerful that the world
shifts and his wings encompass everything

slowly, so slowly and it's beautiful
his love, his soul, this heavenly host

but heads look up and hands cradle
instruments that change perceptions

and there is no air, only life
which shifts and slides and melts

so that vision blurs and sight
becomes not what is seen but what is imagined,

where time slows down or disappears
or doesn't exist so it cannot hurt

and two different lenses click into place,
while there is no sleep, no outside, only

this and him, where nothing is certain and
everything is real or imagined or an obsession

yet he is terrifyingly close, too close but
no one could ever say no, even the unworthy and

suddenly everything is hot and demanding,
heavenly yet so far beyond the boundaries,

where words become life and love,
where language gives birth to fantasies,

illusions of chapped lips and a beige trench coat,
of forgiveness, doubt and those eyes

that sear the soul, and ******* and save
all together and all at once,

while music plays, choirs sing and
voices try to talk to someone but they cannot hear

because they have gone with him and
he shall raise them from perdition.
cellobello Feb 2012
Even the perfect ones with their golden halos
with their blessed brains, hands, heart,
cannot reach their own perfection
like stars reaching towards the unknown universe
towards a completeness of self, of perfection;
even she cannot outrun, outpunch reality.
So these precious perfect ones whose
dreams are so high they reach the sparkling heavens
can only fall to the ground with a thunderous
crash of despairing disappointment-
their hopes were too high, too close to God they were
so high, so perfect – but I am here.
My precious, precious perfect one,
the burden you bear is heavy, each pebble a stone,
let me help you carry it, let me
share your dreams and hopes, your perfect perfection,
for when you outshine the heavens
a glorious glittering star, I want to say
"There soars my precious perfect one
whose perfection lies in her imperfections,
see how my precious perfect one shines."
cellobello Feb 2012
Doucement, doucement,
il pleut de neige
un tapis blanc,
engourdissement
ma peau,
mes lèvres,
ma coeur.

Lentement, lentement,
je suis entourré,
je suis enterré
par la beauté.
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