hello,
it's been really long.
i hope you remember me.
i miss you a lot.
i think about you all the time.
i stayed on the shelf where you put me,
to make sure that you could find me again
if you ever wanted to look.
it's dusty up here, and dark -
i don't think you remember
but i've always been scared of the dark -
and the others are all slowly dying.
i hear them at night,
falling over,
as their button eyes stop shining,
and they stare deadly at me
through the blackness.
they still look sad.
i guess that's what happens when
toys get forgotten.
it's kind of cold up here, too,
but i can remember
your warm, soft bed
that always smelled like sweat
and soap
and the lavendar oatmeal shampoo
that mommy always put in your hair.
i think i might be dying too.
i haven't been feeling well.
have i been forgotten?
have you forgotten me?
i don't blame you,
every child must grow up
and leave.
but i was wondering something -
if it's not too much to ask,
do you think that maybe
you could come find me
take me off the shelf
and bring me to bed with you
just one more time?
use me as a pillow
and wrap me in your arms
and let me be scared of the dark
with you
one last time . . .

Sticky magazine pages on the desk in the corner
of this waiting room I'm in.  
I'd rather fall asleep
and fill my head with things
that could be but aren't,
than read about the things in life
that shouldn't be yet somehow overwhelm.
They're at ease with it
I could never be at ease with anything.
Biding all my time so near
and yet so far from anyone I know.
Waiting for the life I sold my freedom for,
just to get away from halfheartedness
You're at ease with it
I could never be at ease that
This is how it feels to be connectionless
it's free but it's a bore
Better than directionless
like the bulk of people are
They're so free with it
I could never be so free with anything
Sitting in a cloud of idiocy and the unknown
building up your negatives and
tightening your own shackles
You're okay with it
You're at ease with it
I could never be at ease with anything that.

The things we take for granted,
a gunshot away from being gone.

Lately everything has been speaking to me
it started with the vines along my fence intertwining
I thought of all the paths it took to grow
up to the power line
and all the pieces reaching nothing
and left hanging
dieing
a reflection of the decisions and paths we take
some sending us higher
some leading us astray
never finding our way

The ocean spoke to me next
waving at me so inviting
telling me theres so much more to a surface
another world unexplored worth trying
dangerous and enticing
yet gentle and leaving me weightless
like a new infatuation or the love I'm currently riding

Then I saw the bee
working constantly
carrying the flowers seed
designed to fufill the flowers need
and make sweet honey
perfect for my tea
I realized everything has a purpose
including you and me

Then I saw an old man
at the end of his days
He was a brilliant writer
and would be remembered beyond
his grave
I realized that we are never finished
legends live on and never diminish

Finally I saw the stars
burning bright
millions of them held in the sky
and past them is an infinite space
and I am part of such a small
miraculous place and the world
is my oyster and I am one
of many pearls from the many walks of life
of all these beautiful boys and girls
and the feeling that engulfed me was eternity

So here I am, writing about you before I've even taken my shoes off. I am crazy, insane, like everything inside of me is still dancing and my heart is still pounding and the music is still reverberating around inside my skull. I'm not connected to myself, but to something more infinite--the fluid world, the wind that whips leaves through night air, the rapids pulling and sweeping away anything and everything, the movement of hips charged by dancing lights. I am energy. I am lightning piercing clouds and illuminating fireworks tenfold. I don't think, I don't question. I just move. I just want.

Under blinding lights and around beats loud enough to wreck all eardrums in their path, I have figured it out--the simplicity of it. Who needs to think when they can just FEEL?
And guess what?
I want the feeling of you.

One
Moment
In one day
Can change it all
Even if it's small
Just one thing is set off
A chain reaction begins
And everything falls into place
Like a giant Rube Goldberg machine
And the final result is a new life

This
Music
From my mind
Swirls around me
And summons shadows.
I spread my worn fingers
To let in the desperate notes
That sound like the best kind of curse
And fill me with visions of power
And the motivation to fulfill them.

Men,
Sitting,
Dressed in suits
On the subway
With gray newspapers
All at the same section,
Eyes darting over black lines
Like they're chasing an escaped ant
That has just reached the lower corner,
And they turn the pages at the same time

As I sip my bitter tea I stare beyond the ***** window
at the dying land that I would call my home.
Now I focus even closer at the window glass before me,
at the winged ant that's trapped between the sheets.
Should I tell her of mortality? Futility? Fragility?
Or should I be content to let her ignorance remain?
Is it best to let her live in fear or die without the knowledge why?
I simply pour a small tribute of ice-cold bitter tea.

Beyond Siberia again Siberia,
beyond impenetrable forest again forest.
And beyond it waste ground,
where a blizzard of snow breaks loose.

The blizzard has handcuffs, and the snow-
storm has a knife which kills at once....
I will die, pay a debt
for others who live somewhere,

out of spite, out of fear and terror,
out of pain, out of a nameless grave....
Beyond the wall another wall,
on the wall stopped dead one sentinel.