I never want to be happy again:

If it means I'll see my friends
laugh and smile
and be loved and in love.

If it means I'll see my family
love and live
and be happy and together.

If it means I'll see all those around me
enjoy and thrive
and live and conquer.

I'd give up my life,
to see those around
thrive and be happy,
because I don't understand
how to be happy.

-r.y.s

i tell myself
i like being alone,
there's no one to:
impress,
be with,
be ready for,
or even worry about.

but my heart
tells me i hate it
i hate being alone
there's no one to:
laugh,
to hold,
be with,
or even love.

i can't ever seem to decide
if being alone is want I need
or someone to hold me.

i don't care which one
i just want to feel whole
or at least alive.

-r.y.s

How to be unhappy all the time:

it's not hard
to be sad
and angry
and unpleased with the world
because the way you see the world
is how you feel
but the way you feel
is how you see the world

and you think,
if all you see,
is the happiness
of your friends
and family
in their life's
and loves
you'd be
inspired
to be happy too

but all I see
is the lack of love
in my life
the lack of someone
to remind it's alright

all I see
is the girl whose found her love
and they are happy together
and I'm happy for them too
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
is the girl with her girlfriend
desperately in love
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
are my friends happy
in everything that happens
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

I know wallowing
in self pity
can't get me far
but it's hard to be
happy
when the world
doesn't feel that way.

-r.y.s

The room feels heavy,
sleepy morning smiles
and satiate English words
clinging to to air.
They reach out,
trying to pinch me,
as insistent as
the professor's smile.

Some of us still feel
as we do at 7 a.m.,
though our minds are
overflowing fountains
of new knowledge
as we try to hold
and scoop it back in.
they're drowning me,
the letters are drowning
and too tired
to swim.

It's the feeling I get
of a stomach ache
and not being able to tell
whether it's because
I'm actually sick,
or just overwhelmed
with possibilities.
*What will I do?
What will I be?
Maybe I should
just try to focus
on what's in front
of me.

We danced toward
each other's wounds

with gentle step
and touched inside

and now the bleeding
has resumed

and all this blood
is hard to hide.

my world is messy
I can never be still
this feeling
that feeling
I never feel calm

I can be happy
Joyous
Funny
Laughing
and then
I can be sad
miserable
melancholy
serious

it's all a giant mess
and I can't seem
to gain control
and the only emotion
that's never changed
is the one of
love
and
suicide.

funny how even those are
complete
opposites.

-r.y.s

As a child
I was always
That kid the teacher
Spoke of
As having my head
In the clouds.

I never saw
The clouds
I was never
Fond of the clouds
I prefer the night
The twinkling stars.

Because there
Is stories in the stars
And the stars hold truth.
A truth that
We aren't alone
And that oblivion is real

I've always felt
Insignificant
When I look at the night sky
Because I realize
Every moment
In this short life
Is just a moment
That could be the last
And I feel motivated
To try
To make my impact.

I have always feared
Oblivion
The inevitable
The thought of being forgotten
Because who doesn't?

I can't stand
To think
That I'll die one day
And know
I never changed the world
I was never a persons reason
To change, to live

I seem crazy
Because how can one
Be the change in the world
And I can't figure it out
But I will do it.

And I'll do it, for my love of the night.

-r.y.s