It has come to a point where it is nothing
But a cycle


Day 26

Smoke cigarettes
   Try [so hard] not to feel a thing
   Try not to dwell on those regrets
   Try not to remember anything
   Our inside jokes, even the green ones, and silly bets
   I thought, maybe it meant something
   But I guess this is as good as it gets
   I ended up with nothing
Nothing but cigarettes

(repeat the next day and the day after that)

I thought love meant
       Butterflies in your stomach
       Your heart skipping heartbeats
       Or a faster rate for that matter
       Being mesmerized by your significant other
       Watching movies together      
       Late night conversations
       Stealing kisses every now and then
       Staring at them and get caught looking
       Cuddling and holding each other's hands
       Enjoying the moment even when the future is scary

But love came out to be different from all of that
      
Love is letting all of those go
       When I thought it meant everything to him
       When all of it meant nothing at all
       When I thought I was his everything or even "something"

But no
       I am nothing
       What we had was nothing
       What I thought we felt
       Turns out to be what I felt
       I
       No "We"
       No "Us"

None

yes, i lied to you. yes, i said things to make you happy. yes, those things i told you killed me inside. yes, i felt my hands turn into earthquakes after. yes, i pretended to be what you think i should be. yes, i let you treat me like ****. yes, you made me feel insignificant. yes, i was falling apart. yes, i thought about crashing my car so i wouldn’t see your face again. yes, i tried, i tried, i tried. yes, i’m tired.

Pinilit kong hindi bumitaw
Para hindi ka agad umayaw
Pinilit kong 'wag kang mawala
Pero pilit kang kumakawala
Ano bang problema nating dalawa?
Kulang pa ba o sobra na?
Pwede bang sabihin mo na
Kung gusto mo pa ba
O *ayaw na.