To the girl, I will love


I'm sorry.

Yes, I am saying sorry before we are even together.

I'm sorry.

Because I know the future will be rough.

I'm sorry.

I am not perfect by any means, but I promise you I will try my best.

I'm sorry.

I may not be able to buy you diamonds for our anniversary, but I hope you like the smell of pancakes and breakfast in bed.

I'm sorry.

I will try, even if it leads to a mess. Like learning to bake. I will make mistakes, but I will learn.

I'm sorry.

It may not be amazing at first, but with time we can make something beautiful.

I'm sorry.

Because if I love you, it means I will do anything.

I'm sorry.

It means my world is now yours. And I will do everything in my power to keep the flowers blooming.

I'm sorry.

I will hold you above all, even when the weight of the world is crushing me.

I'm sorry.

I will sing to you, your favourite songs. Just to see your smile.

I'm sorry.

I will remind you how beautiful you are, even on the days, you feel at your worst.

I'm sorry.

I will learn about you. Soak in every random fact, like I am a sponge in a pool of your being.

I'm sorry.

I will understand you and know we may see things differently.

I'm sorry.

I will support and love you to the end, even if you decide to walk away.

But I am sorry.

I'm sorry I text too much.

I'm sorry I can be so clingy.

I'm sorry I can be to forward.

I'm sorry I have trust issues.

I'm sorry my mind tears it's self apart when I'm not with you.

I'm sorry my past abuse has to lead me to always assume the worst, to always expect the bad news first.

I'm sorry I'm used to being alone.

I'm sorry I feel like no one will ever love me back.

I'm sorry if I scare you.

I'm sorry.

Im standing on the edge.

A fifty-foot drop has never looked so appetizing.

 I want to step forward and take a bite.

I see the asphalt below as candy, and i my sweet tooth is aching.

 Im being held back by what little support i have left.

They tell me taking that first step has no return, that it will ruin my figure, that there is no plastic surgeon that can fix the mistakes i would make.

The cravings are pulling me in, i need a taste of the sweet release.

I cant get it off my mind.

I was speeding on the drive to the top of the cliff.

Every tree looked like a silencer to the voices in my head.

The street signs are my goodbye notes.

and the ground fifty feet below, is the beginning of the end.

Thank you, im sorry. Sincerely the forgotten.

She's a little crazy, weird, and unusual, and it is impossible to know what's going on in her head.

I always enjoy talking to her, but she always leaves me on read.

But her smile puts the pain away, described something like an old cliche.

Her eyes are like the beauty on a cloudy day, a stunning shade of bluey grey.

I feel the warmth when I am around her, seeing her brings me joy.

It's like my first crush from middle school, I feel like a little boy.

I stumble my words when I talk to her, she twists my tongue so I slur. 

She is stuck in my mind, so all my exs are a blur.

This might seem quite strange to you, but for me I am quite sure.

Because she makes me nervous and I love it because there's things i must admit.

She is a pain in my ***, she likes to tease. She calls me nerdy and we laugh, i say it back and she agrees.

I do what I can to make her see, I have strong feelings for this girl, I just hope she does for me.

For every response left unread.
For every thought trapped in my head.
For the way you make me feel.
Decrypt if it's fake or if it's real.

It's hard to explain a feeling you don't quite know yourself.

Understanding your own mind can be tricky sometimes.

We don't quite know each other yet, despite that fact.

I still feel comfortable to talk to you.

 it feels like we have already had a wonderful first date, a romantic second, and our third wasn't the best but we are both don't care because we are spending it together.

 It makes me nervous, not knowing if you imagine the same thing.

That's why I panic when I talk to you, not knowing if the thing I just said was good enough.

so I say something new before you can type back, and believing that isn't good enough so I repeat the cycle.

Becoming stuck in a whirlpool of my own anxiety and overthinking, just because I don't want to miss my chance at that bad third date.

I don't want to miss the chance to stare at you, on a night not going as planned, but still being able to smile when I look at you.

I'm sorry I'm not good at talking, but I promise you would enjoy my rambling and awkwardness if you gave it a shot.

I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want

And it isn’t you.

what brings me joy. Well shockingly, a few things.
1. A bright and warm, summer day.
2. A meal that I really like
3. Sinking into the couch and running some games with friends.
4. That feeling I get when all four wheels touch the ground and my legs become one with my skateboard. Rolling over the divots in the concrete, feeling the wind coat my skin, and my mind is set free to an endless form of creativity 
5. A nice slice of cake.  
6. Waking up at a time I decide.
7. Music that can fit my exact mood.  
8. Holding that someone special in my arms.
9. The first snowfall of the year.
10. a cold glass of rye, for the night I want to forget.
11. Hearing your voice, while you rest your head on my shoulder after a long day.
12. The feeling of your nails in my back, writing your passion on my skin.
13. The set of hands that fit perfectly with mine.
14. The sound of rain hitting my window at night.
15. You.

I have realized I have a very unstable mental state.
Like I'm pretty sure we have all seen that person on the street.
Where your first thought is, "yea they are on something".
That person is in control of my brain.
For example, a typical Friday night goes something like.

" I hate myself // you hate me // I love you // you love me but you actually hate me // I'm hungry // I want to die // sometimes I wish I was a squirrel // it would cool to have a pet sea monster // I hate myself".

But it's not all bad.
It feels like I have become aware of my emotions.
Being able to choose when something is funny, sad, or frustrating.
It's like a superpower that doesn't always work. Being able to smile on rainy days, is nice.
But not crying for losing someone close to you can be jarring to handle.
I am drowning in the dark ocean comprised of my anxiety and depression.
Losing oxygen and the will to try and swim back up.
I sink to the bottom, just to realize I can stand up.