It's never black and white or gray.
It's more of a ugly brown.
My thoughts are like a painters palette
or a house that's burning down.

Anxiety sometimes feels like dying
Nausea, body aches, my insides are melting
If it’s bad enough there is throw up in the sink
It’s so bad, I can’t even think

I've fallen in love with a ghost, a man, an angel with crooked wings.
I've fallen in love with the way he speaks, every tick and twitch, the way he looks when he's anxious.
I want to preserve him in poems and picture books.
His soul bears the weight of every cigarette and tear he has shed.

Poor lonely ghost, why do you hide behind closed curtains and mountain man ****** hair?
Poor lonely ghost, no one can get close to you,
Only because you are too scared of getting hurt.
So instead, you hurt yourself because it's easier this way.
Poor lonely ghost, you live inside a cave, insist it's better being alone with your things and your heavy thoughts.
But the weight, it grows.
Poor soul, you were not built to hold the weight of a lonely mans world.
With all of his tears and broken hearts and anxieties and cigarettes and sad poetry.

Please take care of yourself, my lonely ghost.
And please try to open to curtains and watch the sunrise.

My fear is massive
It can't be wrapped up for Christmas
There is no way to contain it
It grows, grows, grows
My fear is a fire
It burns down bridges and highways
It burns through entire cities without ceasing

My thoughts are tornadoes
No one is safe
My thoughts consume, with gluttonous cheeks
Feeding on the pain, the joy, the fear, the living

I have been hiding behind small talk
And soft kisses
No more
I am exhausted
Why can't speaking be easy for me too?

Is there something to hold on to when reality slips away?
There are always more questions than answers
Some days I believe in solipsism or nihilism and that scares me
Some days I believe it's all just a dream
And I tell myself I shouldn't be scared because there is nothing to fear as if that would give me courage
But it just makes me silent

I don't understand why you let me back into your life
I was a monster last time we spoke
I ripped our love in two
Because I was afraid of getting hurt
I didn't think it would end up hurting you
Because I was never sure if anyone was able to love me
Since I hated myself so much

But here we are two years later
I am trying to cover the scars I left with poems and love letters
I don't know why you let me in again

Every time I look in a mirror all I can see are the imperfections
Under my clothes you can see every weakness and insecurity
But I could compare yours to god's

I don't know why you give me so much of your time
I'm sure girls fall at your feet
Your eyes could melt glaciers after all

You are devil's food cake
And I'm just a tuna casserole

I once heard about lovers who let go of each other and their fingertips never found their way back
They were too scared of the amount of love pouring out of them
It seemed easier to be alone...

And for some people it is
But for others, their lovers fill every piece of them
Every dream, poem, song, painting
Every thought is flooded by their smile
Or the way they look when they are happy

It's too much

The thoughts turn into aches and tears
For those people who can't stand be alone, when someone they love leaves them it feels like a piece of them has been ripped out
And they are left broken

And being alone means they have to learn how to love themselves
Demons and all

I am always too terrified to look into your eyes
I believe I might get lost in those gorgeous pools of greens and blues
I also believe that if you look back into mine
You will figure out all my secrets
Like how much I care about you