4am 4am 4am….
Leftover stonedness
Lonely memories
I can’t figure out what I miss.
Think it’s the calm comfort of tuning out
Even though the tuning out slowly murdered me
Drift beyond
Drift away from everyone
I fear people.
Sometimes I feel like everyone else disappears in the world
Or that they can’t touch me
Like I’ve never been touched.
I don’t think I’ve ever been touched.

The computer glows and I have to be quiet.
My mother is sleeping in the other room.
She’s stressed and hurting
Guilt notifies me that I haven’t helped her enough.

I don’t know if I feel like dying but I feel like becoming mute.
If I can learn to ignore everyone, I can ignore pain and let down expectations
Sweetie eyes and a tall lean lover.
Dark expression knowing my soul
Loving and *******
Soul to soul
Skin to skin
Breathe with every breath.

Swallow my self-loathing and let it fill me up with shame.
I'll never be what I want to be,
And all hope is hollow.

Abstracted, I'll watch you live my life and contemplate whether it's all worthwhile…
The constant misery of being lost in a world of grey, with all the colors slipping so fast and easily from my fingers.
The constant realization that the good in this world is too slight
And that we're all numbing ourselves from the truth with lies and shiny pictures
The constant shadow of wonderful days at my heels, growing further and further away each instant until

This unnatural, cruel, teasing sun is behind me, and it left with those shadows.

So now, I face nothing to live for.

Is he easily moved? Truly?
Or am I too smart for him?
I would hope so...that would make me smirk delightfully.
Maybe I ...affect him?
I would hope so. I would.
He looks at his world and I look at mine, I try to see his
I would hope he'd try to see mine
Sometimes he needs a muffle.
I can only dream
Maybe his dreams will join mine and together we'll make fire
my air would feed his fire
he would burn me up
but I would let him.

"You taste like a wife! "
You spit these words on my back
I **** red wine down like water
and forget you want to possess my intestines
firmly grasp my beating heart and tell me
"You're mine, *****, I've got you now."
"I have you in my fingers
Squirming and shrieking
Begging me to kiss you
You can't leave me
I'm broken
I need you to make me feel good about myself
I need to step on you and grab a hold of heaven
I will just destroy you."