Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside

I must be a *******
For falling in love with you
And you must also be a *******
For loving me too

Of all the types of self harm
You were the sweetest
And when I wanted to shut everyone out
You were my one weakness

And you must be a *******
For trying to pick up broken glass
But I am not a sadist and I won't let you
Hurt yourself whenever I crash

You are just a soft person,
Trying to fit your fragile bones
into a hardened mold
Last time you pulled away from me,
You told me three hours later that she
Whispered in your ear again,
"I don't know where my tempers gone,"
You said
And I understood
The way,
You used to bite your tongue until it bled
Just to stop your voice from boiling
Over your lips like hot lava,
Erupting loudly,
and burning the earth
As soon as they collide
Now you just look into her eyes
With such a silent apathy,
She could hear the pins dropping
In your mind
Last time I held you,
I could almost taste her name
In your shakey breath
You swore it didn't live there
Anymore
You swore you didn't live there
Anymore
I wanna believe that's true,
But I think you'd still
rather homelessness
Over shelter between
Any arms that you've never been
Homesick for
And I'm
Just not there

Sometimes when you speak to me,
I selfishly wish that I was the one
Who wrote you
Because you're the most beautiful
And meaningfully complex
Character I've ever read
And, oh so delicately oblivious,
To the spark in my interest
The second you open your mouth

I said to him,  
"hold my hand
as tight as you can,
before the wind blows away my brittle bones."

Of course,
he let go of it
as soon as my eyes were closed,
and I kept them shut as the storm blew me away.

I still hear his voice
in the rain;
I smell his scent
in the wind.
I love him mercilessly
in the thunder.

I refuse to stay silent
I've participated in the day of silence twice now
The first time in 8th grade
We got cards that explained why we weren't speaking
I stayed silent the whole day
And felt quite special about it too
Lunch was a long game of charades
And I thought to myself
"I can't wait for the next day of silence."
And I hardly thought about why I was being silent
To begin with

9th grade I did it again
I brought a whole pack of sticky notes with me
And by the end of the day,
I felt the need to plant a tree
To pay the world back for all the paper wasted
I broke my silence by lunch time
Because my friend needed to tell me
How much she wanted to ask this girl out
And I wanted to ask this boy out
And I went home that night
Hardly thinking about why
I was (mostly) silent that day

April 11th would be my third year
Participating in the Day Of Silence
If I was participating
Which I won't be
Not become I'm homophobic or anything
Oh, no
But I began to think about being silent
And what it accomplished
What does it accomplish?
I realize it's supposed to be symbolic
Of LGBT youth whose voices are forever silenced
Because they decided their life should end
On their own terms
Suicide is a taboo word
A stigmatized topic
I'm not gay, or bi, or trans
But there are nights
When suicide looks easier
But I can't tell anyone I feel like this
Because no one likes discussing ugly things
And we'd rather live with the pretty lies
And it's much easier to fake a smile
Than lose all my friends
So what kind of message are we sending
When we stay silent on subjects like suicide
And students stay silent
Because they don't want to speak in class
And then feel like they're doing the world a favor
Making some political statement
I want to tell the story
Of the girl who got kicked out of her house
For bringing another girl home
I want to share the tragedy
Of the boy, bullet in brain
Because he was born a she
I want to be the voice
Saying "It's okay."
Not censoring my words
Maybe I'm misinterpreting
What the Day Of Silence is all about
But at least I have the power to say
You will never silence me

Behind these hazel eyes
There is a monster deep within
It bubbles deep inside
And always gets under my skin
It's irrational and stupid
And yet it's everywhere
Yes, I get it, she's perfect
But could she be perfect over there?
It's just my insecurity
I tell myself all the time
But I still find myself searching you
For evidence of a nonexistent crime
Dreams in which you love her
Easily cloud through my mind
When you and her walk ahead
And I'm left behind
It's not that I don't trust you
No matter what I heard
I'll always completely trust you
I just don't trust you with her
These green eyes are blocking
Out my sight
They won't go away
Try as I might
Green eyes
I only want you and me
Behind these loving hazel eyes
Lies a beast named jealousy