last time was a shallower love
one made up of saccharine treats
that made me feel momentarily full, high
but ultimately left me empty

this time will be a deeper love
a satiating one, a nourishing one
those sweet bits and bobs are there, of course,
but this time they are the dessert
rather than the main event

Life is like
Making a baguette

It is about the process
(Though the end result is nothing to scoff at)

It takes work
And concentration

A focus and physicality
That brings a steady, simple joy

You will certainly mess up
But that’s okay,
That’s all part of the process

Fold it over
And try again

Make a bit of a mess
Find the beauty in it

Wait around a bit
Have a drink with friends
(Old and new)
While you wait

Et voilà!
There it is!
Bob appetit!
What a delight!

I have never felt this way before

My heart
it's singing

My head
can't help
but sing along

Like the breeze
that tosses my hair
this way and that

Thoughts of you
blow on by
and my mind
collapses
into your melody

Always subject to your wind
my thoughts have
slipped
out of my control

But I don't mind

seeing their flaws
and loving them anyway

Regular consumption of art
Careful observation of the outdoors
A challenge with which to grapple
Café au lait
Walking as a mode of transportation
Learning through conversation
Documenting how you feel
Going the extra mile for others (when you don't have to)
Chocolate bars eaten in their entirety
Exaggerated French accents
Shedding your inhibitions and embracing your bravery
Loved ones

i feel like a piece of my brain is missing
some critical set of synapses
that soothes and calms
lives within you

sometimes all that's left to do
is surrender

last night we listened to my favorite song
you held me close
and hummed in my ear

the strongest sense of melancholy
hit me like a truck

because i don't think i could bear it
if i lose you
and this song becomes steeped with pain

please don't ruin
my favorite song

It is hard to believe
Just how beautiful
Life can be

there are entire continents of my world
that you have yet to know

discover me

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body

acting this way,
it's playing with my heart

you're teasing me

but I must admit,
I'm a more than willing victim

i've spent three years pining for your love
and now i suppose it's time for me
to pine for mine

there is no lonelier feeling
than lying next to someone
who is supposed to be your lover
and knowing they're not there

is this ache
old and familiar,
displaced?

or is this
a fresh wound,
scarlet red and alive?

this is new
the ears have been noticed

take me back
to rose colored glasses

I know what comes next
and I'm terrified

looking at your face
is like looking into the sun

bright, and warm

i can't bear to look for too long

but boy does it feel good
to turn my face towards your light
and let it wash over me

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

rules about what I can say
and what I cannot
are burying me alive

I can't breathe

his bottom lip bears two (adorable) freckles
his arms are solid and curved in a way that is addictive to touch
his hair waves deliciously
his eyes reveal new colors each time I look into them
his eyelashes are a warm, soft brown
his stubble casts a handsome shadow along his jaw

lucky am I to behold these details

I want to breathe you in

let your warmth
fill every inch of me

how divine,
how exquisite
would that be?

is my love for you

it fills up every inch, every pore
it spills out of my mouth once i can no longer bear to hold it in
it runs constantly through my mind like a song stuck on repeat

i hope this never stops

we ought to stay together

for he used to kiss my nose
and you now kiss my forehead
I am running out of real estate
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you warm my frigid hands
and call it your purpose,
thawing out my fearful heart until it melts
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you held me while humming my favorite song
and I couldn't bear it if that memory
one day became tainted with pain
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you always make my coffee first
and you help me out of the crossword when I get stuck
and you gift me videos of spoken word love poems
if only for these reasons
we ought to stay together

I find myself
reflexively
looking for reasons
to evade situations that might cause pain

I'm always alert,
stockpiling excuses
like armor
for a rainy day

I guess those old lessons
have seeped into my bones

I want to yell into my marrow
"you don't need those anymore!"

The sun is coming out
And my heart is sputtering back to life

I don't tire of being with you
it's as easy as being alone
it feels like coming home

you, with an easy smile
lounging back on my white pillows
hair tousled
a laugh in your eyes

it must be no coincidence
that they call it "falling"

i'm afraid of heights

and the brink of love
is terrifying

even more so this time
now that i know
just how much it hurts
to lose

they say that eyes
are the window to the soul

yours are a humble green
soft, and steady
they don't shout at you
but they make you feel safe, and warm

what rests behind that window
must be pretty beautiful

i could look all day long

my head was in the crook of his shoulder
as we discussed the following day's plans

i said, "believe me, i'm a planner"
he said, "i know, i've seen your lists"

i said, with a scoff, "you should see my brain"
and he said, "it would be beautiful"

and that was when I fell,
with a thud

there's no going back now

i trusted in him
and let my love grow

now i see how his didn't
and there's no guarantee that it will

will this work?
i am terrified

When I tell people
My dilemma-
To stay or to go-
It’s so simple to them

“Go forwards, not back”
“If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it”
“Do you love him, or are you in love?”
“Have new experiences, live your life”

I guess what I could spend
Hours and hours
And
Hours
Turning over in my head

Really isn’t so complicated
When you put it like that

every glimpse i get of you
makes me want more

even the messy parts,
the dark parts,
especially those parts

you're no false god

you're whole
and complex
and flawed

i see you
and all i want is to get closer

i woke up to your absence
i feel hollow,
ghostlike

i decided to take a walk to try to feel okay

i pass through places
that once screamed with color
but now feel gray

a piece of me
left
when you did

with each step that I take
wading deeper into these waters

echoes of waves past
wash over me

it's disorienting

why is it that
a wide open day
full of possibilities and options
leaves me feeling like
I've got to fight tooth and nail
to keep sadness at bay?

why does my own company
make my mind whirl?

why does my time
beg to be filled, planned, maximized?

listening to music
helps me remember who i am

I can see the emptiness in your pixelated eyes
the effort in your virtual smile

This distance is like a glass plane
I can see your pain, but I can't reach it, can't reach you

If I could, I'd hold you close,
nuzzle into your side
scratch your back,
empty your mind

my baby this too will pass
but it doesn't feel that way just yet

sometimes words
slip out of his mouth
before he has a chance to notice

some people's unfiltered appraisals
are ugly, painful, taboo
not his

his are brimming with kindness
born of empathy
glimmers of an inside of pure gold

I've been without a home for a while now
Having as much adventure as time will allow

I have climbed mountains and I have seen stars
I've danced and I've traveled wide and far

But to be honest what gets me through
Are thoughts of coming on home to you

Of you being the last place I will land
Of yours being the roots upon which our home will stand

Because then when we adventure together I know
I will always carry with me a sense of home

i can see it in your eyes
say it

why does doing the right thing
have to be so torturous?

last night you told me that you love me

I felt hope,
and fear

I hope that you mean this
but I fear that you don't

I think I put up
more walls than I realized

to protect myself
in case things fell apart

I need you to show me
to help me understand
that your words are true

I so desperately want
to exhale

you told me that you love me
because i make you feel safe,
and loved

well when the sky goes dark
and the silence from my phone rings louder
and the voices in my head whisper faster

i hear:
you love me because i love you

(and god, i do)

but my dear,
i want to be loved
because i am me
(the way that i love you
because you are you)

so tell me,

could you ever yearn for me
the way that i yearn for you?

could you put yourself aside for me
the way that i would do without a thought for you?

could you see me, adoringly
the way that i see and unconditionally love you?

i don't know
but if you do
i need you to show me

you said,
"I feel very
observed"

perhaps because
you're an unsolvable mystery
a dazzling wonder to behold

I can't help but analyze
every angle
every clue

you're captivating

just please don't scurry away
from the eye of my scrutiny

his fingers are my muse

they pluck out melodies on the guitar
with such ease,
such grace,
such control
they do his bidding
and create something beautiful

those same fingers
dance over my skin
sometimes they're soft,
sometimes they're rough,
they know how to make music out of me,
how to create something beautiful

you are so warm
it pours out of you —
your hands, your eyes, your lips

you thaw out
the parts of me
that are frigid

my bedsheets smell like you
and my skin echoes
with the feeling of your touch

how am I supposed to sleep?

it's remarkable how
just one little thing
can buckle my knees
and send my mind tumbling away

Nobody tells you
That you won’t be able to listen to music
Because it’s all insensitively about love
Or unbearably true to your pain

Nobody tells you
That you’ll lose control over your mind
Because every last little thing will remind you of him
So you’ll have to fight through each moment just to be okay

Nobody tells you
That your body will feel cold
That you’ll tremble
And ache

And nobody tells you
That sometimes you’ll feel fine
And that those moments are the scariest of all
Because that feels like you’re losing them
All over again