Monday morning, I am hoping these unlucky days are coming to an end if not then I hope the fates will grant me a reprieve.  A little over a week until Christmas and I am not ready; I am not accustomed to waiting until the eleventh hour to start and finish shopping but unfortunately situations from the last two-weeks have dictated this plight.  So many things happening internally and externally, I am losing track of time and the opportunities for social engagement.  The emotional scars keep reopening, the drizzle of crimson nightmares providing the scent of allure to my demons; my fears and frustrations clanging upon the anvil in my head.  

The winter solstice is approaching; it will be night soon and the sun is frightened.

I'm sorry that life drives fast, riding the tail of clock hands
and that when you walk up the steps after working those overtime hours,
you need a little bit to yourself, you need a movie in the dark.  
I'm sorry that the rolling credits to you are eternity knocking,
I'm sorry that life gets so heavy.
like the heals of your shoes,
in every tread on the pavement
I wish we could go waltzing
I wish I could inspire a spring in your step
I wish I was growing up strong enough to feel the wind as its blown
and plan my day's by the sun
I wish I wasn't growing up weighed down by work boots of my own,
late nights under books that I never chose to read,
tokens of time stolen from my pocket while I watch
those lips move and those lips say nothing.
I wish I really was a super hero.
I wish I could turn back time.
I wish those credits rolling didn't remind me I'll never catch up with now.
and I'm sorry i don't know how,
to lift those little nails from your tires,
to make this easier on you.
I'm sorry that I leave the room
before the credits even come,
that my priorities are never quite in order
like the cupboard I never cleaned,
and the thank you you haven't received,
like the months I quit all but breathing
and left you to hold us both up.
and the time after when I hid in the dust
aggressively ashamed of myself
and still somehow blaming you for that and
for how I hate the credits that roll.  
and the arrows that toll each ebbing hour,
from you and from me,
from the could be memories.

I'm sorry.
life moves fast
and a heart is heavy.

I'd still love to learn to waltz.

i pick you up from the armpits
shining in the December of yr adolescence

this morning a 19 yr old boy asked me how to spell achievement

this afternoon i saw exhaustion in a single mother's fingers

I saw peace in the bald, pink cancer patient seeking holistic remedies at Whole Foods

the weary barista delights in his tip jar

and this
this is the tip

of the glacier

that is hope

a shipwrecked shore to call home

you are not from here

sailor

do not anchor

yr worries to reality

we all beat the ocean
in our sleep

And Christina
hadn't seen Benedict
on the sports field
the day before

and school without
seeing him
was a long haul
of boredom

and frustration
and even
to go down
school passageways

between lessons
and not get
a peek of him
was stomach churning

with other girls
on about this
and that
and she only

wanting a peek
of him
to carry home with her
to hug and hold

in her bedroom
dreams
but today
in lunch recess

he was there
on the sports field
with that fiend of his
and she thought

he hadn't seen her
and he was wandering
the field with his friend
and they were laughing

and she so wanted
for him to turn
and see her
sitting there

on the grass
with a bunch of girls
and them laughing
and giggling

about matters
when he turned
and saw her
and she felt

her whole being
explode inside
and a rush
of feelings

flooded her
so that she was sure
she'd peed herself
with it all

and he came over
and said
didn't see you there
come let's go

for a walk and
so she got up
unsure if her legs
would hold her

what with the body
having exploded
like it had
and she went with him

and he lingered
near her
and their hands
were near

and she didn't want
to seem forward
and hold his hand
but deep inside

she wanted
to hold his hand
and kiss it
and squeeze it

and take it home
with her
but she just
let it hang there

near his
and he spoke
of being off
the day before

through illness
and that
he was ok today
and he laughed

and said
did you miss me?
and she said no
and laughed too

but god the words
clung to the roof
of her mouth
and she had to

push them out
and he said
he thought of her
laying there

unwell in his bed
and she thought
how she'd have
hugged him

had she been there
how she would have
sweated the illness
out of him

but she didn't say it
but smiled
and felt her insides
turning and turning

and he said
he dreamed of her
and she said
what did we do?

and he said
sure I cant' say
and blushed
and she touched

his hand as they
came to the fence
around the field
and it was electrifying

and her heart
seemed to thump itself
against her ***
and O how hot

it felt being there
she feeling all
so in love
and a slight wind

moved his quiff
of brown hair.

A call changed my life.
I can hear her voice shaking, grumbling about the unfairness of life.
It has caught me in a daze of unexpected news, of an unexpected loss.
Life has cheated my faith once more, taking his soul to a restful haze.
But his journey just started, life is more than a physical presence.
He is now in a spiritual journey, in a mystical paradise of eternal happiness.

My tears are his new ways of caressing my cheeks.
My numbness his way of hugging my veins stopping with it all my blood flow.
The blood that carries his name and genes through rivers of crystallized waters.
Making each drop of blood a diamond of inherited richness.

He will now be my life companion.
My only confidant.
My only light.
My only serenity.
My only joyfulness.
My only guide to a peaceful life.

You are now the ink of these words I write, the message behind each line.
You are now my purpose for life, my biggest light of sunbeam that each morning shines.
You are now my ANGEL, embracing me, with each breeze mother nature gives me.
Making everything less painful.

My life will forever smile while looking up at the sky.
Just let me know how glorious your life is now, resting your head on clouds.
Our vows, will forever make me proud.
Making your memories into beautiful sounds.
And healing with it the wounds you left, when you decided to fly.

Just let me know how heaven feels.
Grandpa.