I have lost my sun,
Though I still orbit in a strange attraction.

I have lost my music,
Though I know my heart sings sound.

I have lost my vision,
Though I see in dreams an impossible beauty.

I have lost my sense,
Though this world has never tasted as sour.

I have lost my purpose,
Though aimlessly, I write in pale drear of twilight.

I have lost my reason,
Though I chart dangerous courses without a crew.

I am the last falls of the loveliest red proscenium
curtain.

I am over, undone, a foundling, lost,
Without you.

The answer sits awkward in my mouth
Like an Egyptian vowel
Some language I have yet to learn

And I stand like a third world country that there are no commercials for
There are no heartstrings to tug
No Sarah Mclachlan songs
No one sees the hunger
Building in the bellies of my motherless country

But if there must be indifference in this love
I want to love you more than you love me

We climbed under bed sheets in our day clothes
and I remembered how soaked my moccasins were
thinking of the salt stains that would soon be there
and how pretty you looked when your eyes were closed

My eyes fought exhaustion with drooping lids
and I drank black coffee like I needed it to live
we washed away our secrets from the day in muddled whispers
and soon decided to go for a cigarette

Climbing out of bed like skeletons from coffins
Dressing for the weather in hats and jackets with boots
We ran across the street and almost slipped on the ice
six times

In the back yard of an old abandoned house
We stood facing the the water
I could swear you were changing
beneath the street lights and heavy breathing

It’s time for me to let go of this
but I don’t know if I’m strong enough
I’m worried that this won’t be good for you
I just can’t keep doing this to myself

Salty air kisses my face in the darkness of the night
only the distant flashes of light
make the waves glow, the illumination of a calm moon nowhere in sight
the early autumn air rushes across my exposed skin
the lapping of the waves, mesmerizing pulls me in
warmth of a running engine purring under my feet
the cold metal roof becomes my seat
the black backdrop of the sky my ceiling
chilled hands feeling the light raindrops running over my palms
peaceful, unnervingly calm
as the storm rages on
every bolt of lightning unique and spontaneous
struggling to find something in my life that pertains to this
humbling feeling of isolation and solitude
i'd love to say i thought of you
as the low thunder rumbled seeming to run across the sea
to these very feet
but i'd be a liar and you'd feel significant
we were simply flashes of lightning, nothing different
blazing a night sky with our spectacular glow and intensity
flashes of memories
never striking in sync or together
i never understood the weather better
then how well i feel it at this moment
i was lightning in a bottle, you were never meant to hold it....

And when I fell, I fell for every inch of you.
The miniscule details that the naked eye would miss.
I fell in love with the way you sipped your tea
And the way your lips looked pressed around a cigarette filter.
I fell for the way your fingertips caused electricity to run through my veins.
I loved every follicle of hair, every fingernail and freckle
These things consumed and wrapped me in their arms
They infected my brain until it was all I knew.
My heart filled and exploded from these things I felt.
I was scared
And I ran
And I’m sorry.
These details still swim in my skull and I try to get them to disperse.
But there’s no escaping something that’s become a part of me.
So I'll yank at my limbs and dismember my ribcage and pick apart every last aching memory of what I've done to you.
And I'll lie there in pieces feeling more whole than before.

The hardest words to hear you say
While you may think it, it wasn't goodbye
It wasn't, I don't feel the same way

While it hurt to hear
It wasn't that you were sleeping with someone new
It wasn't that I wasn't in your thoughts

And though it stung my pride
It wasn't that you had moved on
It wasn't that you didn't think of my anymore

The hardest words to hear you say
Were words regret
And going back and changing things

I know that it was wrong
But I want you to know
That I don't regret anything

I don't regret one minute
That I spent with you
Even though they were minutes spent in sin

I wouldn't change a thing
Because I always did what I felt
And felt with my heart

So knowing you regret
Memories I hold so dear
Will **** me until the day that I die.

I hide behind my the spine of my books
Stories that I'll never live
About love I'll never feel
And battles I'll never fight
Bravery I can only dream of having
And passion that consumes the oceans in fire

I live in worlds that are not mine to own
Worlds where people do what they want
And say what they feel
Knowing that at the end of the last chapter
Everything is resolved
And everyone is where they should be

So at night I clutch the cold leather
And cling tightly to what I know
Coming to peace with never having what they have
And not being brave or passionate
And not having a neatly wrapped ending
Just an end... a sloppy end.