My love
Please come back to me
I miss the snickering,
And the bickering
And the times you made me mad

But I remember the lying,
And the crying,
And the times you made me sad

But oh how I miss the good days,
The average days,
No they weren't so bad.
And yes, I am truly mad.

Because I still love you
And adore you
Like the time never passed.

I can't leave the past in the past,
Oh, please just come back.

Out and about
random memories pop in my head
I just wander, feeling defeated

Trying to relax
sometimes I become distracted
by misty thoughts, thick like clouds

I become proud as my mind becomes silent
And walk away

Feeling the comfort and security
That nobody's thinking about me

in my mind
in my head
it means i'm safe
it means i'm sound
it means i'm complete
it means
i can be intimate
it means
you see me
it gives me energy
you're my everything
it means
you love me
you love my skin
you love my scarf
you are my safety
i am seen
you are my joy
you are my light
you are my comfort
you are my happiness
like i'm a little normal
like i'm allowed to be a person
i'm allowed to exist
you are my partner
you are my everything
that's what it means
when you say you love me

i want you
to know who i am
i want you
to see my dripping colors
the melted rainbow inside me
i want you
to see my ugly red raw rage
my beautiful deep
blue love
my green forgiveness
and sympathy
my purple
rational thinking
my logic
feel my point of view
like a prism
and i want you
to hear my voice
when i sing
i want you to
listen to my songs
and i want
your real
opinion.

all i want is
to listen to music with you.

I turn my head,
expecting grace
by the look
upon your face
your eyes deep brown,
your aura blue,
I love your complexion,
I love your hue

I look, with modesty,
I look, so shy,
inside the pupil
of thine naked eye
I look, so lovingly,
I look so deep,
inside the heart
of my beloved.

I reach out, to touch,
I reach out, for a kiss,
but stare into my beloved
before the touching, of our lips,
you gently caress me,
your softness, so mild,
I turn into cotton
from the wild.

You make my heart soft
when it feels austere
with your gentle touch
and skin so fair
I caress your sides,
and touch your hair,
my one and only beloved,
is always there.

just tell me what i mean to you

every action a drop of water
into an ocean of vibration
i want to feel a sweet release like
soft steam floating
out of the chambers of my heart
i am aligned with the universe

linear, horizontal, a rule
whether i am bless or if i'm cursed,
i am connected nonetheless

like a little red geometric thread,
the world has bled like i have bled
and i caress the hand that feeds,
so i am cared for, and i am fed
and i bleed just like she bleeds
mother earth and all her breeds

out of anger,
out of rage
split the skin
in my thigh
the cut will represent the pain
that i can't bear to keep inside.

i made a song about you
i wish you were to listen

Nows the time
To seek me out
If youre thinking about it
Come see me now
Your name, I shout
Inside my head
Heres the green light
Just go ahead.

living life with a hole in my heart

i prayed to god to destroy you

it was my only way out

but now

i need to pray to god

to bring you back in my life

it's the only thing I have

visions of grandeur,
fill my mind with delight
the walls are high
and the colors are bright

my toes are pointed,
and i feel tall,
the pressures are high,
but i don't fall

i spin with grace,
i chase my dreams
life is a marathon
and i have no team

i take little steps
that lead to the sprint
i have no direction
but my mind gives me a hint

everything i want
the power and glory
i walk towards it
and feel inside me a fury

a desire so strong
to be the best
to cause shame and remorse
to all the rest

i crave power
it fills my chest
i crave excellence
it fills my head

i crave learning
until i'm dead
i crave status
i crave greatness

doubts and worries disappear
like fog blown by wind
but they come back again
the tides are changing fast,
now I wonder,
how long will this mood last?
don't know when,
don't know how
it will ever end
my dear reverend
can you tell me the answers?
i see crosses in the sky
god hides from me and
i don't know why
my dear revenant
coming to haunt me again
i guess he wants me again
is life going as planned?
i'll get out of here
i'll write better poetry
maybe when my mind is clear
maybe when the end is near

simple
a story told time and time again
a classic
a repetitive renaissance
of the same old thing
i'd like to break the boundary if this box.

killing it like a guillotine.
which is not contemporary at all

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried
I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide
with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.
I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always
value the truth.
but I've been through
so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed
of my youth.

Miserable

I don't want to see
the way you ignore me
after you use me
after I pass your thoughts
like I'm not alive
like I'm nothing
I want you
to delete
everything you wrote
I want you
to write poems of misery
of how guilty you feel
and even in those feelings
you're still
a selfish ***
*****.

Does it break you
To imagine me
Crying all night
To make the pain stop?

I cried myself to sleep
And woke up depressed
Like a block on concrete
Upon my chest

I questioned God
And begged him to make it stop
I rotted away in my bed
I felt like I was dead

For months, I felt empty
And I couldnt eat
My whole body was numb
And my heart didn't beat

No one saved me
No one helped me
And it left a void in my chest
I keep trying to feel

Im detached from reality
And nothing is real
Theres gaps in my memory
Some parts are blank

I'm mentally ill
And have you to thank
You broke my heart
And broke my soul

You made me feel worthless
And I sacrificed myself
I ditched my own God
To worship you

I was unconscious
You destroyed me
And everyone thought
It was funny.

My moods are unstable
It took years to gain control
Like navigating an ocean
When your ship is full of holes

It all went to my head
It would painfully ring
When words couldn't be said,
The migraines would sing

I need you so bad
That I wanted to die
You make me so wet
And without you I'm dry

Without you I'm nothing
I'm simply your slave
I'm addicted to you
You're all that I crave

I let you abuse me
Until I lose my mind
And the monster within me
Developed within time.

I wanted to ****** you
With all of my heart
The light within me
Shadowed by the dark

I fantasized about it
Your blood on my hands
Your body an object
That I control

The light and the dark
Is what makes me whole
You ruined my life
You tortured my core

And now I don't know
Who I am anymore.
By going within,
By exploring the deep,

I know who I am.
Inside me it sleeps.
The person I am
Is a secret you keep.

My soul heavy, chasing material desires
Frustrated by the iron chains that hold me down
Heavy on me,
sinking me
into hot
scorching
magma.

As I try to become more and more God-like,
I get filled with more emptiness
more nothingness
I cremate
into ashes
and scatter across the void

I feel the horror
and anger
and fear
and whatever it is
and an inability to understand.

I feel paranoid
and confused
and just wished it was all clear

I feel stupid

And I'm sorry.

i know that
i'm not light enough
for you to love me.

it's not a secret
you have to hide.

they appear
like giant black specs
in the corner of my eyes
peeking behind doors
hiding under beds
they are our fear
we do not feel
they are the pain
we shove, hide,
and push away
they are the black holes
in our minds

Something inside me
has no voice
it claws, scratches, and screams
it fires up a rage inside of me
it is the screams
of my anger
and turmoil
fighting
the abuse
the power
I itch for
but can not
reach
the *******
frustrating feeling
I can not put
into ******* words

What I know
is an illusion
what I know
is an ideal.

What I know
is a liar
what I know
gains less appeal.

Who I know
is my enemy
who I know
faces defeat.

Who I know
I can not feel
Who I know
can not speak.

Tell me
who are you really?

What are you,
other than a liar,
a manipulator,
a useless freak?

A demon hiding
beneath the sheets.

A mild narcissist with the quill,
whose words are dull, and intend to ****.
A fragile ego full of woe,
insecure, tipping on it's toe,
a shadow person, hiding behind a mask,
a slave to it's selfish task.

A murderer, but a coward at heart,
who can not finish what he starts.
A little prince, who imagines himself a king,
yet can not afford a single ring.
A maniac who needs to steal,
a psychotic who can not
differentiate the fake from real.

A suicidal who still manages to live
he always takes, but can not give.
He works his body to pain and ache,
and sees the world as his cake.
He's as weak as a man could be,
but fantasies is all he can see
in fact, fantasy is all he reads,
he rarely ever does a good deed

a hypocrite who always lies
when one acts like him,
he's quick to despise
he's lustful, full of sin, and hungry eyes,
and for these sins, he stupidly takes pride
if you know you're rotten to this earth,
then tell me, why does it so hurt?
when I tell you to commit suicide
you are nothing but filth and dirt.

Attention deficit in his brain,
and only causes others pain
he blames on things years ago
that no one hears and no one knows.

And even if life isn't fair,
that doesn't mean that I do care,
for you made my life hard to live
there's nothing about you that's positive

I gave you a love so sweet
you sacrificed it for flesh and meat
with trickery, lies, and deceit,
you left my heart bent
like a metal sheet.

unless you wash your ***** heart,
and learn to love and express your art,
maybe then, just maybe I can start,
to know who you truly are at heart.

you wanna be the king of hell?
well, feel free to rule my world
because i'm in hell every single ******* day.

i must be a satanist then
because you are god
and I've spent the rest of my life trying to replace you

As I enter prayer,
soft mandalas take over my vision.
I am in another world with my lord,
as he showers me with etheric hugs and kisses.

Oh my Love!
How I wish you could touch me physically.
How I wish my mortal body would dissipate into thin air,
and the boundaries between us would be blurred.

Oh God!
How I pity myself and feel remorse,
when thy prayer ends, and I lose you again,
busying myself back to studying and work,
waiting until the time to pray comes again,
until the period of which we can reconnect once more,
and I can reimburse myself and banquet inside your sweet love.
447

From the moment
we both intertwined
forever connected,
if only
you were filled
with something
slightly bigger
than a demiurge,
we could've conquered the world.

You would go
without
everything you loved
and everything you've grown attached to
just for me.

You'd travel
for me
spend for me
live for me,
die for me,
have joy for me,
breathe for me,
protect me,
and understand me
as someone
something,
you'd never let go.

You'd look upon me
as the goddess that I am
and fall to your knees
in tears
of how beautiful
and joyful
I am.

Your mortal eyes
would see
beyond the illusion
and know
that I am your everything.

If you loved me
like I loved you
we would both
be complete.

her soft features
and gentle voice
make my blood
turn to
a gentle simmer.

all i see
is her
through his eyes

he wants her,
desires her,
prefers her,
he neglects me.

he cherishes her,
nurtures her,
loves her,
but neglects me.

he invests in her,
holds her gently,
takes care of her,
and neglects me.

because all i am
is his second choice.

just something
to go back to
when what he really wants
isn't there.

from pagan origins,
to new found love,
a pigeon flies down,
or is it a dove?

my heart's desire
is bright and red
just as those
that have bled

i wish to leave you
a little note
so that you may ponder
on what i wrote:

as spring unblossoms,
new hearts unfold
like origami
out of my chest
i just want
you to know
that out of everyone
i love you best
although i think
that you are vile,
and that my love
is childish,
in my dreams
and imaginations,
my desire for you
is wildest.

with that being said,
sealed with a kiss,
i hope this letter,
finds you well,
and i pray to eros
and i truthfully tell you
that you are missed
and i hope
inside your heart
it does swell

inside your heart,
like inside mine,
i hope you feel
my love of thine
i ask of this
with a hope
of every kind;

will you be
my valentine?

it comforts me
sending little internet emails
sailing through a sea of networks
hoping you'd find it
i guess i forgot this part of moving on.
sometimes
you just have to write it out
all the pain
all the love you lost
all the times you want to die
and just cant take no more
im at that point
going numb
to my mom going through all my **** in my room
my brother scratching up my brand new phone
feeling trapped inside this house
going crazy because i can't have ***
crying myself to sleep at night because i don't have a partner
and i feel empty inside
and feel hopeless.
and i now understand
even if this ******* manifestation is real,
that life is just suffering.
and that's how it's supposed to be.
and we've all just gotta cope with that
that everything is ******,
and it'll only get worse.

i always come to this point
where there's nothing left in my heart
just fantasies that i hope would come true
things that i imagine in my head

am i even lovable to you?
sometimes i feel like its the color of my skin
i dont feel like i match with my skin and body
i abandoned my body after you taught me i was worthless
that that's all i was good for
what else did you ever love me for?
nothing.

and no one else will ever love me for anything else.

There is nothing I can do.
No revenge I can get.
I am filled with anger, and hatred.
And now, as I feel it pulsing throughout me,
I realize that my ability to hold grudges is a curse.

i did nothing wrong
i was too young after all
i just fell asleep
under your underlying spell

you made my life hell
you are so extremely hot
you seem picture perfect
and i simply, am just not.

do you ever forget?
i just live in my head
you said you cant hate me,
could you love me instead?

more than a friend,
but what is a friend,
if you constantly lie to them
fake an apology, and lie again.

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

you,
you are everything i could ever want
my worst nightmare, shining like a gem
oh how i have grown so numb,
i just might let you use me again.

but don't,
no don't get mad if i destroy you again-

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

i always think about you
how much you hurt me
and make me feel lost
if im your friend
dont flirt with me
or lead me on
or try to have *** with me
and just heal me
because i'm broken
and i need you

id be very sad
usually
if i were your friend
because i cant touch you
or kiss you
or hold you like i want to
or tell you ***** things
the "i love you"'s would be different
more mellow
more sad
and definitely inside
of an unfriendly way
if you were dating someone
i'd be worried for her
or him
because of your history with me
i'd be jealous
but have to put on a big show
that you didnt drill
a massive hole in my heart
and pretend that that hole
isnt still bleeding
where my heart once was

if we were friends
it'd just be constantly pretending
until i can't take it no more
just shoving down all my love for you

i'd grow distant
and a bit cold
and just cry and cry and cry
crashing down
after those cheerful smiles
and delighted gestures

if we went out
together
it would feel like a date
and i'd blush

i'd get
little bursts of joy
even while
im choking in misery
from you
holding me back
from me
trying to protect my boundaries
i can't trust you
either way
but at least
i'll have someone to talk to

all our conversations
would feel phony
and fake.
i'd be dead
with no life to me
having to act like
i don't love you
like you didn't abuse me
or hurt me
or break my heart one thousand times
a gazilliontrillionkillion times
like you didnt abandon me
time and time again
and leave me lonely
and broken
and gaslight me

if you cut
for every tear i cried
you'd be dead
instantly
i've cried at least a pool
at this point.

i've moaned
day and night
overconsumed by pain
by the void you left
it opens up
when i try to go to sleep
and shuts down
when im working during the day

i guess i am your "friend"
this must be how you treat them
i shouldnt be friends
with someone
who treats me like this
but im so addicted to you
and cant stand being alone
because the truth is
i'd be in pain either way
just waiting
for your love to heal me
but it never will
all your love is so fake
just like our friendship

if we were friends
could you attend to my needs
to make it work?
could you sooth the suffering
that you have caused me?

or do you want me to fake everything
and act like everythings fine?
like this **** is normal
i cant do that anymore

its going to be awkward for you
being friends
with a victim of your abuse
watching me
be sad all the time
taking me through
my healing journey
sitting right next to you
not being able to do what i want

its almost as if
we'd both be denying
that we love each other.
that we want something more

but i'm just
your friend
turned *** toy,
right?

there's no inbetween with you
it disgusts me

are they all like this?
seems that way

but after most men use and abuse me
they don't keep coming back
and trying to save our ******* relationship

you
are an outlier
you're weird

i left you
and can't seem to leave you alone
i said
a bunch of ******* lies
to not hurt your feelings
i change on a whim
this borderline ****

im the one
who is now
reopening closed doors
im the one saying
"lets be friends"

most of the time
it was me
who couldnt leave you alone
now giving you the opportunity
to do the same thing
all over again

i just need you..

but it seems like
i dont realize that
if you're doing the same thing over and over again,
what am i doing?

the exact same thing
i guess
we both need each other
but want different things
i keep trying to make you love me
you keep trying to use me and keep me at a distance
and we both keep going back

it was me this time
so now all you have to do
is just ignore me

and dont email me
and dont text or call my number

cause god knows
this **** is going to happen
all over again

so just let me talk to myself
and suffer in peace

falling backwards
off a cliff
into time
i do drift
my eyes hurt
it's an eclipse
of my whole life
dust into mist
i just wish
i didn't exist
i just wish
i had my wish
i just wish
you cared a little bit
about my tears
about my pain

everything i want
oh how it slips
right off my hand
i've lost my grip
on my own voice
i do trip
i never speak up
i admit

in my heart
i feel a pit
at my past
i feel stupid
all i do
is cry
i cry for
all my life
i cry alone
the sobs echo
i feel the pain
i feel the fear
every day
every year

time flies by
like a bee
i grow tall
like a tree
i will fall
i will go
i will die
feeling lost

I let loose, untie the noose from my neck
I feel cold, I feel bold and *****
I tolerate all the hate and disrespect.
I'm one with the void of abuse and neglect
There's no one who will help or protect
I can't be saved from the actions of men
They do the same thing time and time again,
I know it's all my fault, so I come to a halt
dropping down ******* my knees on the soft asphalt,
My heart is warm but hard like basalt,
The taste of love is like a rock of salt,
on my tongue, while I'm naive and young,
I crave all the love in the world.

And it leaves me empty
I'm always at rock bottom.
And I'm never getting up,
I can't bring myself to **** myself,
so I'm never giving up
I'll never be with anyone,
but I'll always give love
Because dark hearts can be good hearts;
let's not rely on body parts
Kindness is a lost art, on the inside
what are you really like inside?
I can show you my void and invite you to love it,
But I'll know nothing will come of it
you put everything on me, push it and shove it,
but I'm still alive nontheless
And I'll always want revenge.
Even if it is my end
I won't rest till' you make amends.
drinking poison till' I'm gone,
I won't be happy anyway,
so I might as well hold on to my resentment,
And hell can close it's gates,

Because I'm already behind those dark bars,
Feeling like a dark star
People don't know what souls are,
when yours is tortured long enough,
you'll go far
trust me, this is a dark art,
because all good hearts are dark hearts,
living life is a dark art.

whats left to say
when its all over
this is the end
like it was before
nothing left
but i did try
and at this point
when i've given up
is the exact time
you'd be coming back
when i stayed up all night from grief,
and let it come into me
when i felt like i was at the end
and didn't hold on, or didn't pretend
when i let the sadness in my blood
crashing down like a wave
and let my thoughts fill the page
as if you were at your last stage
write to you like its a death
after all, i wouldnt know
you couldve killed yourself.
and all i could do is let it go
i'd always be sad and alone
having you in my head
as the little angel that ruined my life
but chose to be with me instead.

me and you in the car, talking
i think about this every morning, when i wake up
i talk about how i dont know what goes on in your head
and you finally tell me
we talk about love
***
and touch
and kiss
and i caress the sides of your face
and run my fingers through your hair
i ask you whats been going on in your life
and you ask me about whats been going on in mine
i explain to you the things that psychologically go on in my head
and all my complicated feelings for you
i thought i was always a *** toy to you.
how could i ever hurt you?
what were you feeling that you never showed me throughout the years?
because all your pain is a surprise to me.
i don't want to hurt you
yet, at the same time, i do
but i try to become the stronger force of the evil being within myself.
are we really friends?
and how would i feel if i said i couldnt stop myself from touching you?
not in a creepy way
but just putting my arms around your shoulder
or holding your hand
or holding you in my arms
and being all motherly
which i really want to be
but you saw
that last time we talked
i was different
still crazy
but well..
hopefully not as cruel
i feel ashamed when i tell you i love you
because i dont think my actions show it
the things i did and said to you
a reaction of anger and trauma
but it's not love.
or is it?
maybe love is more ****** up than it seems.
or maybe it's just me.
all of this is complicated
maybe
i should write more often as if you're reading it
because you were last time
more **** in my head
but it's whatever
because i'll never date anyone else.
not if they're there to just replace you
to do the same things you did to me
over and over again
you are very predatory
your words mean nothing to me
by your actions
all i see
is that all you want to do is use me.
and lie to me
and yet
i would still marry you
and let you destroy my life all over again
not that you'd marry me
i'm just saying
i would..
i feel like
i'm an open book
i feel like
i know everything about you
but nothing about you at all.

you shouldve never dated me
or told me you loved me
you ruined our friendship
you cant get that back

besides that
you're an ******* anyway

this is all your ******* fault

i can't believe that i was so desperate.

wanna go hard, wanna go fast
but I also want my love to last
living in the future, stuck in the past
guess it's time for me to put you on blast

shouting your name
playing games,
little games inside my head

shooting out brains,
going insane
I should just **** you instead

I bathe in blight,
don't say goodbye, love
Kiss me goodnight

I could kiss you forever
in any kind of weather
you ******* away
more than a hurricane

you're a natural disaster,
an actual stress
make me feel, and go high
and make me depressed

bless me with your love
you try to avoid it
I don't give a ****
give me your love

i wanna touch you,
caress you
a long sad make out
filled with longing
and hurting
i wanna talk to you on the phone
for four hours
even though we've never talked before
you never put any effort into me
like you did with her

ive never been held
or loved
or kissed
or taken out on a date
or even touched
im afraid to ask.
im afraid to ask for what i want
im afraid to ask you to be a man for me
the kind of man id want you to be
the kind of man you were for her
when you started to cheat on me

for her, you'd buy a plane ticket
and send pictures
for anyone else
you'd go the extra mile
but for me, everything gets cut short.

is it because i'm "easy?"
this started off as soft love
now
i'm growing anger again
getting so angry
at all the times
you constantly try to use me
why
just ******* why
do i mean nothing to you?

then
you wanna turn around and ***** and cry?
because i ******* "hurt you?"

oh i see
i get it
i'm just a "friend" to you
that's why
yes
that must be the reason
you only want to have *** with me
and nothing else.

and pretend
like nothing ever happened
while you give
everything
to all those other girls.

i dont know who they are to be honest
its funny
i dont know who "all those other girls" are
but i know theyre not me
cause you dont give a **** about me
god
****
i slowly come into an anger

i just dont get it
you dont love me
you only want *** with me
but at the same time
i have the power to hurt you?

do you just want friends with benefits?
is that it?
am i your friend,
that somehow,
you want to use, abuse, and manipulate?
and still keep me in your life?
do the same ****
over and over again
it's just either
***
or the friendzone
and i dont want either of that ****.
god i ******* hate you
i dont understand this
i shouldve never reached out.

i did message you
but you took so long to respond
i am too afraid..

after four years
to risk you hurting me...

its not only you
whose afraid of being hated.

rejected
i am afraid
you hate me too

or something like that.

here i go again,
becoming more like
the author

of that that book
its 10 30
and my eyes are strained
i hung out
with crazy people online

i don't even have my own place
i don't wanna work

someone joined
with the same name as you
i thought
a bit more positive today
positive over negative

i could never
have *** with you
without falling in love
i always
imagine it
so intense

i hate this world
i wish i was never born into it.
i don't ever wanna come back
it's not beautiful
it's not amazing
it's not magical

i cant escape the misery
and im not abby geni
or rather
miranda

im tired