wanna go hard, wanna go fast
but I also want my love to last
living in the future, stuck in the past
guess it's time for me to put you on blast

shouting your name
playing games,
little games inside my head

shooting out brains,
going insane
I should just **** you instead

I bathe in blight,
don't say goodbye, love
Kiss me goodnight

I could kiss you forever
in any kind of weather
you ******* away
more than a hurricane

you're a natural disaster,
an actual stress
make me feel, and go high
and make me depressed

bless me with your love
you try to avoid it
I don't give a ****
give me your love

i always think about you
how much you hurt me
and make me feel lost
if im your friend
dont flirt with me
or lead me on
or try to have *** with me
and just heal me
because i'm broken
and i need you

id be very sad
usually
if i were your friend
because i cant touch you
or kiss you
or hold you like i want to
or tell you ***** things
the "i love you"'s would be different
more mellow
more sad
and definitely inside
of an unfriendly way
if you were dating someone
i'd be worried for her
or him
because of your history with me
i'd be jealous
but have to put on a big show
that you didnt drill
a massive hole in my heart
and pretend that that hole
isnt still bleeding
where my heart once was

if we were friends
it'd just be constantly pretending
until i can't take it no more
just shoving down all my love for you

i'd grow distant
and a bit cold
and just cry and cry and cry
crashing down
after those cheerful smiles
and delighted gestures

if we went out
together
it would feel like a date
and i'd blush

i'd get
little bursts of joy
even while
im choking in misery
from you
holding me back
from me
trying to protect my boundaries
i can't trust you
either way
but at least
i'll have someone to talk to

all our conversations
would feel phony
and fake.
i'd be dead
with no life to me
having to act like
i don't love you
like you didn't abuse me
or hurt me
or break my heart one thousand times
a gazilliontrillionkillion times
like you didnt abandon me
time and time again
and leave me lonely
and broken
and gaslight me

if you cut
for every tear i cried
you'd be dead
instantly
i've cried at least a pool
at this point.

i've moaned
day and night
overconsumed by pain
by the void you left
it opens up
when i try to go to sleep
and shuts down
when im working during the day

i guess i am your "friend"
this must be how you treat them
i shouldnt be friends
with someone
who treats me like this
but im so addicted to you
and cant stand being alone
because the truth is
i'd be in pain either way
just waiting
for your love to heal me
but it never will
all your love is so fake
just like our friendship

if we were friends
could you attend to my needs
to make it work?
could you sooth the suffering
that you have caused me?

or do you want me to fake everything
and act like everythings fine?
like this **** is normal
i cant do that anymore

its going to be awkward for you
being friends
with a victim of your abuse
watching me
be sad all the time
taking me through
my healing journey
sitting right next to you
not being able to do what i want

its almost as if
we'd both be denying
that we love each other.
that we want something more

but i'm just
your friend
turned *** toy,
right?

there's no inbetween with you
it disgusts me

are they all like this?
seems that way

but after most men use and abuse me
they don't keep coming back
and trying to save our ******* relationship

you
are an outlier
you're weird

i left you
and can't seem to leave you alone
i said
a bunch of ******* lies
to not hurt your feelings
i change on a whim
this borderline ****

im the one
who is now
reopening closed doors
im the one saying
"lets be friends"

most of the time
it was me
who couldnt leave you alone
now giving you the opportunity
to do the same thing
all over again

i just need you..

but it seems like
i dont realize that
if you're doing the same thing over and over again,
what am i doing?

the exact same thing
i guess
we both need each other
but want different things
i keep trying to make you love me
you keep trying to use me and keep me at a distance
and we both keep going back

it was me this time
so now all you have to do
is just ignore me

and dont email me
and dont text or call my number

cause god knows
this **** is going to happen
all over again

so just let me talk to myself
and suffer in peace

just tell me what i mean to you

i wanna touch you,
caress you
a long sad make out
filled with longing
and hurting
i wanna talk to you on the phone
for four hours
even though we've never talked before
you never put any effort into me
like you did with her

ive never been held
or loved
or kissed
or taken out on a date
or even touched
im afraid to ask.
im afraid to ask for what i want
im afraid to ask you to be a man for me
the kind of man id want you to be
the kind of man you were for her
when you started to cheat on me

for her, you'd buy a plane ticket
and send pictures
for anyone else
you'd go the extra mile
but for me, everything gets cut short.

is it because i'm "easy?"
this started off as soft love
now
i'm growing anger again
getting so angry
at all the times
you constantly try to use me
why
just ******* why
do i mean nothing to you?

then
you wanna turn around and ***** and cry?
because i ******* "hurt you?"

oh i see
i get it
i'm just a "friend" to you
that's why
yes
that must be the reason
you only want to have *** with me
and nothing else.

and pretend
like nothing ever happened
while you give
everything
to all those other girls.

i dont know who they are to be honest
its funny
i dont know who "all those other girls" are
but i know theyre not me
cause you dont give a **** about me
god
****
i slowly come into an anger

i just dont get it
you dont love me
you only want *** with me
but at the same time
i have the power to hurt you?

do you just want friends with benefits?
is that it?
am i your friend,
that somehow,
you want to use, abuse, and manipulate?
and still keep me in your life?
do the same ****
over and over again
it's just either
***
or the friendzone
and i dont want either of that ****.
god i ******* hate you
i dont understand this
i shouldve never reached out.

whats left to say
when its all over
this is the end
like it was before
nothing left
but i did try
and at this point
when i've given up
is the exact time
you'd be coming back
when i stayed up all night from grief,
and let it come into me
when i felt like i was at the end
and didn't hold on, or didn't pretend
when i let the sadness in my blood
crashing down like a wave
and let my thoughts fill the page
as if you were at your last stage
write to you like its a death
after all, i wouldnt know
you couldve killed yourself.
and all i could do is let it go
i'd always be sad and alone
having you in my head
as the little angel that ruined my life
but chose to be with me instead.

i never really was adored
for any of my good inner qualities
authentic
loyal
loving
affectionate
always wanting true love
for real
so faithful
committed
it feels cringe to even write these things out something
what i do highlight
is all the things that are wrong with me
and make me unlovable
crazy
mood swings
clingy
psychopathic
needy
desperate
a little too *****
not good enough
not light enough
'only good for one thing.'
i feel like a ghost.
"learning lessons"
"karma"
i am weird
and nothing that i do
nothing of my personality
or my heartfelt poetry
none of it matters
because to people
im just a body to use and abuse
and i hate my body
and want to cut it
and throw myself down a flight of stairs
or off a rooftop
just fall and die
even then
in my death
they'd probably still use me
everything im afraid of
i just wish i was dead
what good is it
to be trapped
in a body
that is disconnected from you?
i might as well
be half way there,
half way to death.
if im just a ghost
floating around with a tight throat.
if i
just silently scream
inside myself
wishing someone
would see all the racism
and misogyny
and pain
and abuse
and everything i go through
just piled up
in an invisible ball
and yet
people are surprised
when i say im suicidal
why wouldnt i be?

all i wanted
was to be loved.
and i never knew
that that was such a big ask.

and i dont know why
its so hard for people to love me
when its so easy
for me to love anyone.

it comforts me
sending little internet emails
sailing through a sea of networks
hoping you'd find it
i guess i forgot this part of moving on.
sometimes
you just have to write it out
all the pain
all the love you lost
all the times you want to die
and just cant take no more
im at that point
going numb
to my mom going through all my **** in my room
my brother scratching up my brand new phone
feeling trapped inside this house
going crazy because i can't have ***
crying myself to sleep at night because i don't have a partner
and i feel empty inside
and feel hopeless.
and i now understand
even if this ******* manifestation is real,
that life is just suffering.
and that's how it's supposed to be.
and we've all just gotta cope with that
that everything is ******,
and it'll only get worse.

i always come to this point
where there's nothing left in my heart
just fantasies that i hope would come true
things that i imagine in my head

am i even lovable to you?
sometimes i feel like its the color of my skin
i dont feel like i match with my skin and body
i abandoned my body after you taught me i was worthless
that that's all i was good for
what else did you ever love me for?
nothing.

and no one else will ever love me for anything else.