You told me there were alligators in your closet
Giant razor tooth beasts
Because I couldn't keep my back straight
and my legs still
Restless little girl
relentlessly you tapped my right shoulder.
I marked my place on your window shelf
a music box for every year
you lifted me through failure.
I have been a nervous waste since
before my hands could reach a 7th chord
you stretched me out
laid me flat
week by week
filled my weaknesses
with stumbled melodies...
I never tried hard enough for you.

When I knew you were on your last bed
I played Solfeggietto for the first time in 2 years
But I couldn't drown my fear to go see you.

I didn't say goodbye
and I haven't played.
You were a dream
an angel Ann
if I believed in God.
But I hope you're in heaven
from the pits of my fingertips
I hope you're in heaven.

Ten years
you coached my hands into harmonies
across your own keys
I never said goodbye.
Ann,
I never said goodbye.

you never cared

they say you never stutter to the things you call home, and i was never one to flinch to the sound of broken promises and holocaust

but then i met you

they warn us about the drugs in the streets and dangers of heights but I’ve never been warned that a drug can be a person, and that danger can be in your smile

i took inside me all your pains and we watched them burn within me together, and until today i still cough up ashes of the fire that lived under my skin

so why did we ever bleed the only love we had and covered the wounds in sheets of apathy

i saw even angels getting lost in the seams of your devilish smile

and now all i have left is my torrid burning throat and the walls that never listened

I’ve learned that everything i touch i shatter, too bad I’ve never touched your heart

and you never cared

oh if only i had more say to who my heart decides to love

but no, I’m always left a helpless slave to the pulsing inside my chest

and like athe voices in my head that cant stop screaming your name, i never slept or had enough of you

i craved the blood in your lips and the veins on your arms

i kissed you like i was drowning and you were air

i saw the light in you no matter what

like the dusk of the morning or an after storm

but you never cared

you never cared that i stock around

even when i realized you were more of poison than medicine to me

and i was so addicted to the way you made the hair on my arm prickle and the beat of my heart race

that i loved the toxic that was you

the toxic was killing me

you were killing me

but i never cared

Just walking down the  street.
Just minding my business.
When out of the corner of my eyes.
You caught my attention.

I had to stop.

You was quiet at first.
Which I couldn't blame you.
After all, I was stranger.

I asked you your name.
Still you was quiet.
So I gave you mine.
Then you gave me yours.

And after a minute of two.
I was talking to you.
This was the beginning of our joy.
Our happiness.
Which we have continue to build upon.

did i ever tell you, your eyes tasted like my mocha coffee on an early friday morning?
drizzled with anticipation and dousing me with caffeine,
i needed you, to wake up.
i needed you to wake up.
          (you didn't)
caramel was your favorite flavor
and well, I grew to like it too.
          (I always did but… more)
your eye lashes were longer than mine and i was jealous
i adored watching you blink
i remember noticing that the more passion within your voice,
the more it correlated with your wide eyes, that was so human.
so real.
did i ever tell you,
your lips accentuated every word you spoke
and no matter what you said, it was pretty
          (more or less)
i liked your teeth because you didn’t
a secret hidden part of me hopes you’ll never get braces
did i ever tell you,
your hands were firecrackers, but
familiar fire crackers. the ones i set off in my own backyard.
              
it’s the twentieth day of the month and lord do i wish sixteen days ago
i was sitting with you on the sand again,
sipping my dark mocha drink
awaiting the sparklers in the sky.
           (i think you were with her)
see I told you,
you came along with anticipation
and i kind of liked that. but i grew to know you too well
i’m growing to think that’s why leaving you was so inhumane,
unreal, just downright painful
you were my left arm. and
no matter what i ever said to you,
no matter how bruised, broken, damaging you were to me,
cutting you off was not ideal.
the after shock was worse.
and if you ever have the opportunity to amputate your left arm,
don’t.
the things you need- you need for a reason.
no, things don’t get easier with time
the empty void just becomes a bit more manageable.
i'm learning to manage passing your neighborhood without turning my head
i'm learning to manage not opening your text messages
          (more importantly, to not emotionally react whatsoever)
i’m learning to manage with a large part of me missing
and, some days I still search for it
in hidden parts of my house but
i cant grow a new arm,
or a new home,
          (see, things don’t work like that.)

what if
the moon was just the sun
after it had been peeled
and showing all it's pith
and whote underwear revealed.

what if
the stars are just the peephole in the sky
so that those that went
before us never have to
say goodbye

what if
the sea was just a teardrop
from some sad god's eye

what if
we are just ants in a science
project
for alien humanlogist
from the planet fitahw....

what if
this is all absurd...but true?????

I once knew a man
who said,
"Invest while you can."
I told him I didn't have any money.
"Well, I can't help you then."

I once met this kid
who told me his sins.
I couldn't say why,
I hardly knew him.
"You've a trustworthy face,
and you're leaving tomorrow."
But I never asked to be burdened by his sorrow.

I once loved a girl
who became my world.
I clung to her every single last word.
Then she was gone
to leave me in silence.
I replaced it with noises of hatred and violence.

I once had a choice
to make something new,
but I still hear her voice
telling me what to do.

I once spent a night
with a spirited punk.
Willful and passionate,
but down on his luck.
We painted the town red
and made Down the new Up.

I once read a book
that spelled out my life.
A real page turner,
though I know it's all lies.

Someone once told me
not to live in the past.
"Be here right now,
the future comes fast."
But I often look back
to cry or to laugh,
and on nights such as these
I'll write epitaphs.