why bother giving birth to a child if you despise them so
**** me already, let me ******* go
dont suffocate me in this oppressive embrace
just let me die, at least give me this final grace

Trapped in a cage, a prison of my own making
To set myself free, I must cut off your wings
But in the end, I lost everything
I'm sorry, for dying.

trapped in a cage, a prison of my own making
i ripped your wings, to set myself free
you have molded, into a person of my own design
you change yourself, to attend my every need
on the inside, all i feel empty,
harrowing guilt eats me alive
knowing i have killed you, that much indeed
i'm sorry for ever living, for taking all that is dear to me
in the end, i lost my only friend.

Pain and resentment
Back and forth I rock
Shake and stake
My hopes on a door lock
Keys and birthday cake
All I do is take
Just wondering if you meant it then?

What am I doing here?
A fish above saltwater
Blurry faces, erased places
I can't breathe
It's your fault.

Nothing is as it seems
They carry him about slowly
Unease slipping off their shoulders
Gently, words fade in the dark
Leaving behind a mold of the man
An aftermath of an awful affair
Death denotes this simple occurrence
As nothing more than a bad dream

i slice open the flesh that was offered before me
a dedication to a cause most meaningful
i give myself over, now and fully
the little drops, slippery and small
drip down below, embracing the fall.

i still don't know what i'm trying to be
can't tell when things went south, yeah
my life is collapsing all around me
these words spew out of your ******* mouth
you call this true love, another lie
weren't you the one saying you'd leave?
now i'm only one left, asking why
people must suffer before they finally die.

Even if you have passed, I cannot let go of your embrace
So I shall continue to lovingly call for your name  
And I will sing this melody, to remember you by.

I just need a witness
Why play this wretched game
It's driving me insane
I'm not crazy, my memory is just hazy
Tell me these thoughts are mine
These monsters lurking are not in my mind
This suffering is real, to me it is
The truth, misconstrued
An enemy, are you?

your trust is truthfully misplaced
my acts, are falsely praised
i feel my brain being stretched
from the inside out
my rotting flesh
has an unbearable stench
the squelch of my remains
my blood, a liquid courage
or an act of self-sacrificing cowardice?

nothing is worth the risk
no price is worth paying
if it means you end up dying
but i didn't heed no warnings
i still went ahead, and ruined things
despite everything, i couldn't change a thing.

i know, for you, my words became nothing
and yet, i find myself wishing for more
our friendship, this relationship
i hope it meant something to you.

life is no longer fun
tired of waiting for someone
i want to run away
from what plagues me so

i sleep and laze all day
then wake up whenever
the cycle repeats
escape waiting to die

is this what it means
to be free
of life itself
and responsibility?

off i must go
into the night
drifting all alone
embrace the fondness
of long awaited slumber

these empty feelings
make me hollow inside
it becomes a struggle
to stay alive

i feel enervated
mixed with exasperated
always exhausted
seeking for a means to an end.

in hindsight, i should have known.
to me, living has become a burden
from joy, it turns into misery
now, i breathe because i must
from ignorance, it forms into necessity

i've given up on all my hopes and dreams
losing my will to live, open my eyes and stir
waking up is such a chore, i'm so sick and tired of it all
my fragile mind is bursting at the seams
i think i miss who you once were

nowadays, all i do is pathetically weep
telling myself life will get better, that familiar lie
i spend my time sinking, into a painless sleep
praying that someday, i'll finally have the courage to die.

the bird's wings of freedom
were snapped off and discarded
losing every sense of its ambition
look at that crying creature
unable to fly, return to the sky
lost from friends and foe
abandoned by the system it was born in
they will live, they will lie
even if we reject it so
and refuse to listen
nature will always die.

disposure of the corpse
exposure to the corruption
losing my composure
how can you be absolutely sure
that it was enough?

the lies, the false narrative
you tricked those people.
you tricked me, with your deceit
yet you smile knowingly, confidently
taking your chance to escape

you flee the scene
a criminal to everyone that sees
hiding in the dark, hidden from sight
you sit there alone, almost painstakingly
one must lament.

take the apple that sink your teeth into its flesh
biting, chewing, ruining the appearance
it's ugly now, no one wants you
discard and throw it away
that useless piece of junk, a wasted garbage
bleeding, dripping, it's a mess
my mind aching, sinking, everything is falling apart
devour me whole, you love me
corrupt me entirely, you hate me
i'll give my form willingly,
to the first person who stalked on the high
for this worthless name of mine
i beg you to consume me
take your prize, take your dignity
go far, far away, until i forget your name
fail to recall your face, erase you from my memories
please, leave.

you're better off without me.
why won't you leave me?
why did you leave me?
simple questions you can't answer
reveal the lies between your teeth
the truth peering through these gaps
glaringly obvious to my familiar gaze
don't you tire, from this endless game of lying?

i can't help but think
i wish i had died a long time ago
maybe it's a form of suicidal ideation
at this point, who really knows?
some people say it isn't healthy
but i always knew it wasn't
better yet, who really cares? about me.

as i stand on the roof, high above
peering at the eerie drop below
death stares me right in the eye
it seems that people have eventually understood
how twisted and rotten i am
especially, terribly on the inside
it feels fitting, almost right
to finally be able to take my own life.

surrounded by my thoughts, i'm all alone
purged in endless contemplation, with fallen aspirations
i ponder about my lowering self-esteem
our relationship was always a tumultuous one
i couldn't bother to fix it, so it all went downhill
i lament on my past and present mistakes
there are just some things you can't change, some things you can't fix
no matter how much you try
i should know. i tried.

the world condemns you, damnation be with you in hell
leaving you to suffer in a prison
of your own making, a cell of your own craving
you ruined your only bright future
with your self-loathing, your deathly addiction
and now, there's nothing left
to do, to say
nothing that can convince me to stay.

delving deeper into the issues, i peel back the layers
how did it feel, when you realised
there was no one waiting for you?
except for the empty bed left behind.
how did it feel, when you had nothing left?
except for a sliver of hope, for the mercy of another.
and even as you begged and begged for forgiveness
an ode to the apologies, a song for the miseries
for him to offer you mercy and salvation
just know that god cannot forgive you,
for you cannot even grant yourself forgiveness
so do you truly deserve to be forgiven?
do you truly deserve to be loved?
i'd like to think the answer was maybe, someday
but i know you'd rather take a no.

henceforth, you are forced in an act of crucifixion
despite your earnest wishes, your heartfelt prayers
they are meaningless to a corpse
a withering piece of flesh
with an unthinkable brain to boot
the only thing keeping me alive is my beating heart
unwilling to give up, unwillingly ticking away my time
as i scramble to grasp the loosening threads in my fingers
moments of my life dash past, forever lost
unable to be recovered, unable to be remembered
in the essence of things, they become meaningless.

i think deeply, i must end this suffering
so i drive this blade through my chest,
i pierce this knife against my skin
my skull lying on the pavement,
where my fallen body meets
and this is where my soul finally leaves
a bullet to end my troubles, in a world i could never win
a sacrifice to end my struggles, in an existence filled with sin
my blood kisses the floor, in a riot of passion
crimson, crimson red, my love
the familiar iron stench that rots my lungs
while the cold, hard ground folds my insides out
splattering an ugly stain, for all to see
what was wrong with me

the coroner declares my body's condition
parades it around, with a simple word in the description
"death," is what they call my state.
thus they decide they must hold a small gathering
in recognition of my memory,
a little something to remember me by
a ceremony to send the decayed and decomposed away
to honour their last living moments, up until they died
whatever that means, i don't really care
they never really recognised me, for who i was
i could never show them my true colours
i could never get them to love me, like how i loved them
i wished for their validation, to give me a reason to live
but i received none, even as the days passed on
maybe people will care a little more, once i'm dead.

tucked in a corner of the fields
with rocks aligned in the shape of my former name
with flowers to decorate my final resting place
with pretty words uttered, but none left for me
my heart must ache miserably
tormented in the travesty of devastation
for they are not the ones i wished them to be
couldn't they have told me these lies when i was alive?
why must they wait until i'm gone,
when they regret the words they can never take back
when they regret the things they never dared to speak
it's already over, the funeral ends.

the aftermath never stops. it simply carries on.
"it wasn't suicide..."
the family murmurs, distressed with the information
"it must have been a mistake!"
the crowd hollers, indignant about the revelation
for my death, you offer the blame to no one
you tell yourself over and over again
convincing yourself, that very lie
which you seek to base the accident on
is now forming into the truth, sinking its treacherous poison

it was no one's fault.

maybe it will help you sleep better tonight
to believe it wasn't your fault
that your dearest friend died,
to know it wasn't your fault
that they would dare to conceive the very notion
of commiting their own suicide.
ha, doesn't that sound about right-

how could they ever think to die?

skin against skin
scraping the barrel
blade against flesh
releasing the insides
warmth fills my bones
and so does the jelly fat
it hobbles around silly
a reminder of what i've done.

don't you feel the same when you see my guilted expression?
don't you feel the love, my twisted apprehension
is this not enough, my form of admiration
for you, i'll do anything.

people's faces are losing meaning in my eyes
people's words are losing sentiment in my mind
oh dear god, in my time of need,
why have you forsaken me?

sometimes you need a friend
a dear one indeed
to tell you when
you have to send
your parting letters
while hoping to mend
your past relationships
boosting morale at an all-time low
with morbid rites to follow
hey, did you know?
the rules can't bend
no matter how much you wish, though
you can't defy the status quo
so now, i must say,
sometimes you need a friend
a kind one's in need
to help you comprehend
that it's finally the end
it's the end, indeed
say goodbye, me.
see, sea, si.

nobody has to know
what i'm doing between my thighs
what i'm thinking about, like ending my life
alcoholism synthesizes the metabolism
living losing its meaning
dying feels like im thriving
im chasing this never-ending high
never wanting to stop, to ask myself why
i drown further in my thoughts
the disease plaguing my mind
the need to finally leave everything behind
the desire urging me to die
nobody had to know.

you'd think you love this guy
the next thing you know, he's between your thighs
purloining your very innocence
i'm sorry, you didn't have the foresight
to finally call it a night
the disgust starts seeping in, evident
flesh against skin, it begins to rip
draining the spirit of your humour, a man's parasitic brain tumor
numb to the consequence, it drips
you become his perfect, plastic doll
submissive and subservient,
and suddenly, you don't remember what you're doing here at all.

i'd date the moon
just to be able to see the stars
in the vast night sky
alluring, dazzling eyes
surrounded in a deep sea of lies,
let me drown, in your mesmerising dream.

i think that maybe, just maybe,
the loneliness will **** the life in me
that one day i'll realise that life has nothing left in store for me
staring down the bottle of liquor
the sting of liquid courage, it feels so bitter
removing the painful memories, the forbidden knowledge
i'm thriving, i'm lying
deep down, i'm dying
and i'll wake up and see
there's no reason left for living
i'll spend my last days alone
waiting for your words
so i can validate my worth
for a devotion that doesn't exist
for someone i deeply miss
but i know it will never come.
i'd think it's almost a stranger speaking
estranged, deranged, yet life remains unchanged
you are a shadow of who you once were
i think i'm waiting on something that was never meant to be
this frugal honesty truly hurts me,
a fleeting feeling, i can't understand this.

from the book of a dying patient
from the words of a deceased soul
from the thoughts of a dead brain
i used to think life was better when i was alive
maybe it's an obvious fact
but i could still move freely
i could still speak freely, dream freely
i could still think coherently
but now i am useless
rotted to the bone
the maggots are invaded my flesh
and the knife has carved out my insides
the insects have made a home out of my dying self
my guts have spilled out
scattered on the floor like my incessant thoughts
like a sacred offering in an act of desperation
to reverse the wheel of fate, and grant me more days
but alas it proved useless in the end,
just like my existence
a little something to remember me by
i'm sorry for existing
for taking up space from others
but you no longer have to worry about dead weight
for now, i am a dead, back space.
it's endless, unwelcoming, and deathly cold-
blank, eternal death.

i'm sorry for being so unlovable
for being born imperfect
for being daring enough to be born
i'm sorry for everything i've done
for stealing so many breaths from the world
i don't deserve any of your forgiveness
even if i pray to the savior for mercy
i don't believe i deserve any of it.
i think i'm losing my talent
my attention, my meaning
i can't write, or write my rights
i can't tell from right, and right
i don't understand the words you are deciphering
the words you are interpreting feel foreign
my breaths start to feel stolen again
my thoughts start to feel useless again
i can't understand you
i can't understand you
help me
help me see the truth
please.
isn't that enough?

they told me
you'll understand once you're older
and then you left me, lonely
to rot alone, to toil alone
when all i dreamed of was to hold your hand
and maybe be more than a friend
could i ever hope to be more?

maybe not.
maybe this is all a false revelation,
a mistaken confession
maybe it's just another unhealthy obsession.

i can't tell,
from right and wrong
from love and hate
from you and i,
to you, truly,
whom i used to love,
i'm sorry you can't love me.

i close my eyes
endure my suffering
put away the negative thoughts
and keep thinking happy

i live in my delusion
of dreams and hopes
none i can ever hope to fulfil
i continue sleeping

i turn a blind eye
to the pain around me
failing to understand
the truth of the world

i must wake up
take a step forward
open my mind to the future
and stop living in the past

i need to move on
if i refuse to do so,
i will never learn to let go
and be free.

oh dear...
i think there's some fog in my brain,
it's filling up with fear
i'm drowning in the rain,
dripping with tears
nothing really feels clear.

seeing their face,
looking at me with disdain
knowing this is something,
something that i can't ever hope to mend.
i can't pretend that-
i don't feel the insufferable pain
of losing my only friend.

so i look at the bottom of the barrel,
take a swig of my beer
realising that things will never be the same
seeing that it's the end of my years,
thinking how i miss being here,
how i'll miss calling your name.

even if i devote my whole life to a sorry
it will never be enough
to replace the aching hole in my heart
i can never be enough, can i?
i can't fill in your shoes
no matter how hard i try
it will never be enough,
maybe if i tried.
but i'm tired of trying
of giving, of losing
i'm tired of everything. trying.
what's the point?
i'm not enough. i never am.

how can i explain this feeling?
i'm suffocating in the guilt
the burden of knowing
the burden of thinking
of what could have been
i'm sorry for everything
but a thousand apologies can't bring you back.

no one needs an explanation
for the things i've done
for the things i'm about to do
no one needs to understand
the things i wanted
the things i cared about
even i don't understand myself.

obsession suffocates
perfectionists isolate
find yourself
a place to hide
from all your problems
find yourself
a shoulder to cry on
to escape from your mistakes
erase your memory
to preserve your dignity
you must die.

black hair breezing in the sun
with lovely sun-kissed folds
your piercing eyes stare right
into my longing soul
questioning the journey ahead
i can't look away
as the deep sea drifts
and the lonely moon stills
i think i'll confess my secret
tonight, i love you.

if i disappeared
would you even notice?
if i left
would you even care?
if i died
would you even bother to cry?
yes, you'd say
but deep down in my heart,
i'd know it was a lie.

sometimes you love me, sometimes you don't
it feels so hot and cold, your touch
when your words hurt, they make my arms bleed
when your words sweet, they make my heart beat
you smile at me sometimes,
maybe you notice the heat on my cheeks,
but you look away sometimes,
and ignore my gaze.
i don't understand how you feel, when you leave me
i don't understand how you feel, when you love me
and yet you do it all again
it drives me a little crazy
and emotionally distraught
to deal with this rollercoaster
of your highs and my lows,
am i too clingy?
you can tell me the truth, you know?
is what i'd say, if you'd even talk to me
i haven't see you these days
are you getting better? am i getting worse?
i don't know. i don't want to know.
i see you in the corner of my eye, the shadows of my vision
i hear you everywhere
i think about you all the **** time,
knowing you probably don't feel the same
i think i almost cried when you left
but you will never feel the same.
never.

a craving love can't satiate
an expression i can't help but hate
the voices in my head, criminalising and condescending
this empty feeling, is something i struggle to comprehend
because it's something that i don't understand
in order for the situation to de-escalate
i believe i need some form of escape
to stop myself from thinking about the end,
about when this end will come to be.
oops, i think I've hit my saturate
that wasn't my intent, surely?
i see, my world must be ending
so in hopes for the future, i must repeat the sentiment-
woe is me!

i can't even recognise my own face in the mirror
i can't identify my self-reflection
even after i've stolen all those dashed hopes and dreams
these thoughts can't escape me now
i know i won't ever change
so i don't dare to steal a glance
i'd never look back twice, i promise.

it's a long way down
but i'm good at waiting for the end
in the myriad sea of faces
i don't think i see a familiar friend
sometimes, i feel so terrifyingly alone
please, can you fix this feeling of despair
and free me from this never-ending nightmare?

i need these hollow, juvenile dreams
to keep my little world afloat

it's strange,
to think of life without you.
you touched my heart, my soul
you have become my everything
it feels strange,
to think of love without you.
when you're gone, far far away
even when i begged you to stay
i missed you so much.
and i'm afraid to ask-
did you feel the same?
what didn't you say, when you saw me once again
what did i say again?
it feels like a blur,
time passes by quickly when i'm with you
don't you think it's strange too?

there's a warmth somewhere,
there's a feeling down there
i'd hope you would care
about how i'd fare
about how i'd bear
without you.

i wish you love, love, love me
because i need, need, need you
so badly, i love you
but i know you never felt the same
it feels like i'm pouring my heart out
and you're tipping the glass over
telling me my intentions are half empty,
but i was half full.
even if you tell me lies,
i still listen obediently
even if you leave me to die,
i still wait patiently.
like a pathetic dog, i must follow
i love endlessly, obsessively,
i can't let you go, out of my mind
i wish you were mine,
but you care not for me.
so i must watch on the sidelines
waiting, for you to accept my heart with open arms
i dream for that day,
though i know it will never come
i will wait for you to take my hand
and wipe away the wounds and scars
and make me feel alive again, with your touch
i will wait a thousand days, a thousand years,
for you, i would do anything, and everything.
even if you don't feel the same,
i feel something.
because in the end, i have only you,
my one and everything,
without you,
i am nothing.

it's ten o'clock.
the cycle never stops.
it continues on and on,
just like your boring speeches
just like your silly mannerisms
and your false pretences.
when will you learn to stop, sailor?
when will you rip your sail,
and disrupt your winds?
when will you learn to fly, dove?
when will you steal your dream,
and discard your wings?
i don't think you will ever learn
you will continue on this path,
and i can't look away.
i can watch. i can only, as it all burns,
watch.

goodness, goodwill,
it's all apart of god's will.
live, love,
loving thyself, should be enough.
sometimes, it doesn't feel like it's enough,
but i brush those thoughts aside,
like discarded pen knives,
the sting of the thinking still brings a sense of melancholy
i think i think too much for my little head
so i must say,
i must say-
goodbye!

sleepy and dozing
i dream of another world
another life where we are happy
where you loved me dearly
when i could call your name sweetly
and hold your hand as we dash along the fields
into the joyful times ahead
but i wake up, and remember-
you're gone.