my favorite hoodie
the biggest one
hide my body
and the pain all gone

I thought you cared
About the gifts
I so lovingly crafted and bought
Only for them to be thrown out
Trashed

I thought you cared
About the compliments
As I gave you them
Never stopping the flow
No matter what you did

I thought you cared
About the weekends
We spent
Hand in hand
Before the morning sun

I thought you cared
About me
But it was all fake
All those days
All those words
All those gifts
Were they a joke to you?
I guess ill never know

I couldnt wait more that like two weeks to write poetry again sooooooooooo
Here i am

(:

i'm not lazy
i play sports
i do things
i promise you
i'm not lazy

i'm not stupid
i have good grades
i study my subjects
i promise you
i'm not stupid

i'm not a freak
i don't know why
but i promise you
i'm not a freak

i'm not insane
i'm not insane
i promise you
i'm not insane

i wish
my poems were better
people would read them
and think
"what a good poet!"

i wish
that i was better
the best that i could be

i wish
i was cooler
my shoes
my clothes
my hair

i wish
that i was athletic
good at everything

but most of all
i wish
that she loved me
like i loved her

i wish
she didnt say no
and instead
said yes

i wish
i wasnt jealous of her
and the boys she liked

i wish
i wasnt sad
i wish
i wasnt sad

why am i sad
why am i sad
why am i sad

please love me

there is knife
on the table
next to me
i'm home alone

988 wont help
neither will my parents
or my friends
or even my dog
they cant help

i'm crying
i need help
but i cant reach for my phone
or the knife
is this good?
or bad

to all my friends
who would never miss me
*******
but to you
my friend
i hope that you
can live a happy life
without me
without knives

so take this poem
as a gift
to keep going
to keep going strong
cause even if i am gone
you arent

the knife is in my hand
glancing at my wrist
i cant do it
but i have too
so goodbye
cruel world
i must go

but whats this?
a light?
i am still in fear
the knife trembling
blood- no
tears
dripping off the blade

and i collapse
and die inside
because nobody cares
but i cant force myself to leave
just like those toxic friends
relationships
people
thats just what life is

but you have to keep going
going and going and going
until you find a true purpose
because harming
or killing
yourself
just stops you from recognizing the problem
just avoiding it

so to anyone who wants-
who needs
to hurt, or **** themselves
just face the problem head on
even if you cant do it
even if you have tried before
it's still worth it

oh them lazy ladies
walkin down the the lane
fill me up with *****
to just drink down the pain

liar
you said you loved me
liar
you said you would be there
liar
you said you would cheer me up
liar
you said you hated me
liar
you'll never leave me
liar
i'll teach you a lesson
liar
i hope you feel the pain i felt when the worlds collided and i was in between them

!! DISCLAIMER !!
I am not trying to be sexist, homophobic, or racist through this poem. This poem might come off as offensive, or something else, but it is not intended to be this way. I am just sharing my feelings through poetry, and even I was scared to post my own true feelings through poetry. If this poem needs to be taken down, I will do so. If that happens, I will probably post my poetry elsewhere or keep it to myself. Thanks!
!! DISCLAIMER !!

This world we live in
Is confusing to say the least
Why have we changed so much?
Why don’t we stay the same?

Sometime last week
I was shouted at
By a girl
Saying I would never understand her pain
Saying that I
A straight white male
Was so fortunate
And I was offended
But in some ways
It is true

I understand
That my kin
Did unspeakable
Disgusting
Horrible
Things to you
And I know that some of them still happen today
But why is it my fault?
What did I do to you?

You say I have privilege
But what privilege do I have
When must I creep on every word I say?
Every action I take?
Every poem I write?

But before I go on
I want to give sorry
A sorry that my ancestors never could
Even if It doesn’t mean a lot
I still hope it helps

I feel like a circus
I have to entertain the crowd
One wrong move
And I get boos
Too showy off?
And I get boos
So I learn to keep up my guard
Never let my feelings out
Never let my true thoughts go

And to the girl last week
Who shouted at me
Just remember
If the world is against you
It is most definitely
Against me

lights out
trees down
school out
our dependencies
we rely so much
it really is the truth

Please let me go
I want to see my family
My friends
My people
But I know as soon as I leave
I'll go back to my room
And cry again

Why can't I ******* do this
I know I can
I know I can
But I never do it

My father tells me
That the answer is to
"Just do it"
But I want an easier way
I don't understand
Why they never
Understand

Maybe I'm the problem
The one who doesn't understand
The one who never cared
About other peoples feelings
I've been called a sociopath
A *******
But I don't think I am
Am I?

I don't want to be nothing
I don't want to leave
Maybe it's better
If the masochistic sociopathic depressed sad angry nobody leaves.

Not knowing why
I try
Just to fail again
Get back up
Get pushed down
Not knowing why
Not knowing why...

i wish i was an only child
but sometimes i dont
my sister
she shares
she loves
she laughs
but all i respond with is a hit
a yell
a scream
all i am is mean
and sometimes i wish
she was an only child

in the shadowed corners of my heart
where echoes of laughter have long departed
there lies a sorrow
deep and vast
ocean of tears
memories of the past

whispers of twilight
silent and cold
telling tales of days
of love once bold
each passing moment
an endless ache
a heart once whole
now left to break

It feels like as soon as I say a word
It's examined
Looked over
And they find something wrong with it
Why are they all so sensitive?

she likes me too!!
she likes me too!
she likes me too
she likes me too...

so fat
so ugly
he'll never get a girlfriend
you're the size of europe!
i hate you
nobody is ever going to love you
nerd
obviously a 1/10
he buys mcdonalds every day!
god you're sickening
you're all so ******* sickening

why are you all so mean
what the **** did i do
and you get mad?
and tell?
and tattle?
when i spread a little truth about you?
well hey mello
just because you're a small little crying boy
dosent mean i am
so get the **** over it
"he said a mean word!!"
*******

well that was mean
but i dont feel bad
because god you're sickening
you're all so ******* sickening

The slurs flow like water
Whenever I try to get you help
They feel like fire
But you don't care
We're still friends
Again & Again
More words
More pain
But if I walk away will you still be ok?

here i sit
in my bed
the spiders creeping up my wall
i can hear them
they might bite me
but i do nothing at all

I have no words
For the fallen

I have no feelings
For the broken

For the fallen made others fall

And the broken made others broke

So when their crescent shine
Comes to a stop
The past fallen and broken on top

today
my mother
asked me to try on a shirt
and i said sure
so she said
"take your shirt off"
and i stopped
"will you leave?"
i asked politely, hoping she wouldn't suspect
she bobbed her head
side to side
the universal sign
NO

she saw the red scars on my stomach
the scratches i cut
deep
but not in my skin
she made them deeper
she pretended like they weren't there
but they were
blood red scars
killing me slowly

and i'm shaking
shaking because i dont want to be a ******
i swear mom
i'm not
just help me
please

I don't know the path to take
I don't know the people to trust
For they all seem amazing
But under all that ****
They're all just Ghosts

They leave me when I most need it
I should have seen right through them
I don't know how I didn't see
The Ghosts

Even when I t'was younger
I never could have been more fonder
Of the Ghosts

Growing up I should have seen
The Ghosts

the tears fallen create pools and lakes
shimmering blue in the new day sun
dripping from my face like rain droplets
flowing from clouds of fluff
no, i dont think this life is for me

Who are we?
We are children of god!
He created us all!
The people with religions have answers
So why don't I?

Who are we?
We are the spirits of the earth!
Treat the world like you would treat your wife!
The environmentalists have answers
So why don't I?

Mabye
We're just
People?

up the ladder you go
before it starts to snow
get up off your low
you will finally be beaux
trust me its not faux
i swear that you will glow
so up the ladder you go

whispers in the halls
whispers through the walls
they all hate me
and i hate them back

i wish sometimes
that i was them
making a sad boy feel sadder
and sadder
              and sadder
                             and sadder
                                                 until finally
                                                                  he died inside

so if i could say one thing
of most importance
you need to listen.
listen close, my dear
because
             you
                   want
                           to hear this.










*******.

Will there ever be a day?
Where I do not live in fear?
Of your constant watch?

Will there ever be a day?
Where I find real love?
For more than a minute?

Will there ever be a day?
Where the shadows stop lurking?
Where the voices stop talking?

Will there ever be a day?
Where I figure this out?
Where I can fall down and rest?

Will there ever be a day?
Where I am truly alone?

Sometimes it feels
Like the days have passed
Slower and Slower
Faster and Faster
It feels like the days I aught for
Are already gone
Just a memory
Floating in the wind

So I keep wondering...
Will there ever be a day?

words
          flow
                out
                     of my mouth
                                           like droplets
             falling
out                          
                   of
                                         the
          air


falling
f a l l i n g
                                   further
                apart

never
together
again

speak to me
like you speak to her
ill search for the perfect word
perfect response
and here!
it is...
but where did you go?
looking in the morning snow
you ran off
just like the others
ready or not
here i come
or maybe
a different word
to make you happy

hit me with a brick
throw me at a wall
where does this come from
i don't know at all