I hear a whisper calling my name...
Am I any connection to that of my flesh?
I feel a something brush me
Am I just a result of a feverish mess?
No, I see nothing but field and fireflies
no one is here
but me the bugs and the stars
and I can't help but laugh
while you **** your way to deportation
I **** the world for freedom
and drink the nectar from it's crevasses
some are stuck curled in fetal positions
til the mission is clear
This isnt our perm- state
We are the example of change
the fire in the distance, the drum beat, the discourse and disarray
the smile growing on a pouty face
Grabbing life by its antlers
I scream
"Thank you universe, thank you
for I am finally let lose from my cage!"

I'll never forget the time you told me
"I can see myself with her"
Now all the flashes in all there forms come to plague me
The room riddled with symbols I was too dumb too see
How I let another ******* me in the first place is astounding
When I never believed in this ****
How about now that you are with her, what do you see?
Another victim?
Creatures naturally want what they can't have
So give them none of you
That way there's no ammunition
When guns go slingin'
Truth is you never should've made a room here
I told myself you were only here to trash it
And I was right
Yes words are ****, but it seems the truest of things spill out before we can catch them
Especially things we meant to lie about
I told myself I couldn't fall for you
If I would've listened we could have still been ******* friends..

I shall not want
But it's natural
Compulsion to worship desire

I shall not fear
But it's encoded deep in my DNA
It's reaction not intellect

sloth is my weakness
Hiding in my cozy corner
Ducking shiny eyes
That crave feedback

When I'm consumed in this
My replies are short and hollow
I need my manic back but my body isn't ready
Every atom needs to be recharged in order for me to live again

Because I refuse
This mood takes days to pass
Pray. Meditate. Fade into thin air
Away from judgement
Away from attachments
fear and desire keep me lazy
like dipping a toe in the rabbit hole
my wit keeps me sharp, steady, and aimed at the ready

Because one little slip could prove dangerous or deadly

Squeezing out water droplets
Just before bed
I'm reminded of what I miss
The definition of what I called "freind"
Was changed eternally

I ran out of work manic,
Raced to the tatoo shop
And got what I had wanted for so long
A fish fossil right there on my forearm
Coverings for angry cuts
I went home and cleaned it, runned it down with lotion
And I'm reminded of this familiar sting

Flashbacks hit
And I was 14 again
Sitting on the porch with you nursing my wounds
My arms were swollen and sore
Sliced from top to bottom
And you were the only soul I told
You wrapped me up in bandages
And showed me yours
You said "see we're both ******* up!"

8 years later I lie on a mattress in a living room floor
Punched in the gut by the thought of you
And how you could take your own life
..you also took my best freind

Emptiness has this warm subtle sting and I'd rather feel pain than nothing
But it's not self destruction anymore, it's therapy

And it makes me feel close to you.

Maybe its better to have nobody, then have a leach
Wretched over every facet
waiting to dissect you in the most gruesome of ways

Maybe it's better to be bored
And unknowing than to be poisoned by waves of euphoria
Or the parasitic ***** that run this town

Maybe it's better to love simply for the sake of it, thriving off this new energy he brings you, than searching for a soul too much like yourself

Maybe it's better to be content I think
Then I think again, maybe it's better to be sad happy lonely angry scared because that way I'll never stagnate

Maybe it's better if I carry all my doubts to the great mother
Rather than carrying the **** through life with trembling hands
Putting my faith in something larger than this faulty machine

Maybe the rage gives me power
Makes my writings fly straight off the page and into your bloodstream

Maybe I'm the main character
In a show like the twilight zone
..Or twin peaks
Where I'm the only sane one left here to document it all

Maybe I'm happy for once and the serotonin just hasn't resumed
It's fill line yet..

Maybe
Just maybe
All the answers and all the possibilities are here
Questioning me

40 days in
and you think your cured
until you see a glimpse of your old life
in treatment they call it Euphoric Recall
thinking using comes with happy days
but you know its misery
when you have a random fit
a craving..
that pulls every atom in different directions
and it seems like nothing can stop it
this isn't a poem, this is truth
this is me crying out because I've forgotten how
no clever quips, no word play
just the here and now
what good is a sponsor when you cant be trusted with a phone
especially when a gut-wrenching void rears it's head
at 3.a.m
this has always been the hardest part of the day for me
the loneliness settles in ..
I start to miss people I shouldn't miss
My God, I am still sick
and I might always be this way
I shut my eyes and give up all my worries
eliminate desire from my heart
40 days in
and I was so close to giving up
Just for today
I will look my disease in the face
and say *******!

I still read your work
in secret..
watching your life through a screen
where beautiful words dance
from the fangs of rambling monster
So much gray matter
in between neurons
where potential lives
and I understand the pain
that comes with distance
and disease
but, I have my own work to attend to
and I can't afford distractions..
you'd place heavy creatures on my back
in the hope that they would eat every good thing that came into my light
and yes, they are ravenous and powerful
but I've got a hunger in me
that surpasses all
and it isn't for you anymore.

Here's me learning how to write again
In a world that is dying
Here's me learning how to live again without the thirst
Here's me learning how to love again
Because I know you will need me when you are let loose from your dungeon
Here's me attempting to be human again
Because we need more heroes instead of vampires
I am one in the same
Laid open, waiting
for the wind in me
To shift

That we never thought existed  
We're slipping in and out of dimensions
Quick, knock me back to 20-12
Before the universal concious shift When we had no idea...
it had been a simulation
ever since.

I'm a junkyard dog,
who was scooped
from it's home
and taken
to the pound.

I'm a mother,
who doesn't show affection
because I don't know how.

I'm a raindrop,
soon to be converted
into a thousand tiny pieces
of a town's White Christmas.

I'm a house-cat,
easily amused by a pile
of dissected presents.

I am a child,
enthralled by the shimmer
and fantasy hoax.

I am a Grandfather,
whining,
because I let my spirit slip
years ago.

I am a pigeon,
indecisive,
sitting on a wire all alone..
I've watched all my brethren migrate
because this year..
I'd rather be at home.

How many days
Must I run through
Til happiness is found..
Too many..
Still I hold onto to the hope that I see some golden arches
With waving hands to greet me
Angels singing all around
Acknowledge my accomplishments
But I'm just a sloppy slab of ****
Constantly digging
For diamonds in coal mines
And happiness, it only exists
In my mind
I know this
And once i find it
I will bury it six feet under
Never to be lost or forgotten
Again.

The slight pitter patter
Hits our skin
Like symmetry
We could never sound it out
Or ground it in reality
Its singing now
It seems we'll have to box our ears
To even hear it
Dial it down to semicolons
And blank spaces
Sketch it in later
How i roll
The famous ******* procrastinator

Micro manage
Call me standard
But i cant stand to stand
Cant stand to sit
Im overjoyed and poised
In all the wrong ways
Its constant disarray
These days were prone to fainting
And waiting around
For something that helps us feel "in place"
Guess it back to basics

Little bomb
In the backgroud
Shake the house
And rouse my bones
How exciting is destroying
The destroyer
And all they're faithful crones

Back to bed again
Ive paid my dues
Waited countless hours in this
Half state
To ascend to higher realms
Yet i remain wide eyed
And worried
Counter parts ive wished to cast out
But havent found out how
push defeatism aside
Horizons rise
And set in these moments
While i convince myself
Who's body
I belong to
Out of the distance
Whispers slither in
Saying
"Forget what you know"

A heretic hears from the heavens
Again
Alone by an alter she had chosen
To win
A heart that was already torn

To welcome the empending doom with both arms
Is a foolish thing
But at least we turn a head toward it
I on the otherhand have been working tirelessly to avoid it
Living half mass
Emotionless
Regirgitating old knowledge

The stag
Is but a symbol
One in which I can't escape
What a dark alarm
I wake to
To remind me of the fate
I blindly run from
...I'm

July 30, 2011 at 6:25pm
There ya go  
slowly  starting to fade
in the concaves
the beam wanes
electro-magnetic waves radiate
straight through the skin
and to the veins
bleeding my own scarlet rays

Disguised as.....
an Indian eye
on my forehead
vines down
into a lava
sizzling bone tissue

Frying every fiber.........atom.......... and molecule
that piece me together

even still you scintillate
in an array of glistening grains
stirring in my bloodstream
static tension
aching flesh

I Rotated
the beam
and became
a reflector
scorching your innards
in
excruciating
ways

Psychic evaluation
Plastic pent up devastation
Watch me from the outside
Shaking, facing corners like I should be faces
Growing thicker by pressure
Letters never mustered out
Quick short breaths
Soothe the skull cap
Bring light to a gray face
Scratched into the surface
lines of  insecurity, passion
Worry upon worry
New ones etched each morning
As I look upon the canvas
Motionless
I wonder do they find me boring?

Uncomfortable flutters
Couple inches in
How interesting..
A river in the pit of miscreant
Now it's forgotten,
its subdued
It's  getting drowned out until I know what the hell to do
These flutters
Dont comfort me
Only confuse
And it  pulls at my sensory glands
To look like an elaborate ruse

Its getting down to the bottom
Of a bottle
I couldn't even afford
I see your face sometimes
In reflections
Periphery tricks
You're somewhere far away now
I don't want to write cliche love poems
Until ******* flows out of my ears
But I want to tell you....
Waking up next to you
and caressing your prickly Irish beard,
Making you laugh,
Telling you to stop poking me in the **** leg
Are the most cherished memories I have
Thank you for sharing them
I know I'll never wake to that again
So I guess it's back to searching for you in the dream world
Where you embrace me
and I'll say it's okay my "Bebe"
We're just fine,
"I love you."

By application only eh?
Another test of my proficiency
Why do they care?
To pick out the defected?
To nip at the disease?
To find some sort of control over the whole ****** thing?
I'm breathing,
Viable,
Mad as a hatter in the skull cap
And I will not be put on bar graphs
I choose to be defective
Free-styling to my enlightenment
Laughing Like the Buddha
I think to myself "how precious it is to be this faulty machine"