That pain in your chest
That’s always there
Never completely gone even
Holding your heart

One wrong step
And the fingers holding your heart will let go
And it will fall
And you will crash

Walking on eggshells
But you still have to keep up
With the
Seemingly endless
Expectations

One wrong move
And everything shatters into a million pieces falling into the endless void of the soul and body that is mine.
You start to numb everything
To save yourself
Soon enough
the world has become a black and white screen

You watch time go by  
But you can’t go back
No matter how much the young child in your heart
Bangs at the walls of the body he is stuck in
The blackness starts to engulf everything
Surrounding you
Isolating you
And you lose more than yourself

I'm holding a weight on my shoulders
that no one can see
until it gets too heavy

Days used to yearn for a reason to continue.
going through the motions
Everything was  

Heavy.

and

grey.

and  

so  

so      

exhausting.

The house was tense
It felt quiet and empty.
Even though it was full.

We were prepared to lose her
But that did not seem to make it easier
When we lost her.

Mom had insisted:
“Not another”
But time had a way of changing your mind.

The day of we drove up
Thirty-two minutes
Felt more like thirty-two years

We walked down the driveway
Through the dewy air
To the noisy shed filled with animals.

A litter of Puppies- five months of age
In a small play-pen
They YIP! and they BARK!
Trampling each other.
Some hide in the darker corners of the cage,
hiding
While others fight for a look
Hope to be chosen
By us.


They all have curly matted hair
Of many different colors
Their eyes are barely visible
through the mat of their fur.

After meeting a few, one escapes the pen
She runs to greet us
Yipping and wiggling with excitement

She starts with my mom

Jumping up licking her face
Wagging her tail so fast
I think her spine might break

Then to my dad
They both smile so big
As she jumps up on his knees
to give him a kiss

Then she comes to me.
After my sister

She jumps up on me
Giving me kisses
Then she goes to run with excitement
From my mom
To my dad
My sister
And me
Again
and
again
And
again.

And as of that day we were hers

After that day
My days had reason to continue
We laugh and we love as we come home
To a wagging tail and lots of love
She is sunny
The ray of sunshine
That somehow manages to light up
The dark corners of my mind
She's the bright to my dark

Summer Days splashing in the river
The bike ride down
The wind in my face
My hair dancing with the breeze
I wish
every
Day
was like This

Dad,

Hanging up his hammock
While me and Maddie walk up the river
Making up our own games
And convincing Dad to let us
Swim in the river
Though the current was rough
I remember how he would sometimes
Say
“yes”
Letting the water
Engulf our bodies
Pulling us gently
Downstream

Years ago
I didn’t realize
I didn’t see how quickly
How quickly our world is disappearing
How quickly the water has dried up
Those days
Slipped out of my hands like water
Slowly          evaporating
Slipping from my hands
Dripping into some place
That is unknown

Someday
I will visit this place
The past of my life
The perfect days by the river
Someday.

Seeing sunny play
Happy, excited and free
Tail wags happily

Crying with my mom
After a heavy movie
Letting the tears fall

Existing in
The vast water of the lake
Watching the sun fall

Reading a big book
Full of so many stories
Waiting to be told

Going down to the
Cabin to run and play
Splashing in the water

Laying in the grass
Sun looking down at me
To greet me hello

Small moments that feel
Incredibly freeing
And keep me okay.

He walks slowly
As if he is about to pounce?
His lips move as if

Words should be

Pouring

Out

But no sound
Comes out

They say he's a Freak but
No one dares to say “hi”
They just cross the street
With cautious eyes.
His hair is greasy, dark, and thick
And his clothes seem to swallow him whole

No one has ever heard him speak
But he carries a notebook-
Its worn as if
its lived too many lives
No one questions what could be in it

But

If they opened the book
Did not cross the street
They would read of his service in the marines
Say “hello” for the first time
When they eventually close the book


They would understand.