I wake with a start.
Where am I?

Heart racing—
beeping in the distance getting faster, louder.

Try to **** out of this unfamiliar bed,
tubes hold me in place,
stinging deep in my skin as I move.

My first instinct is to rip them out,
try to run.

But I can’t feel my legs.
It feels like they haven’t moved in years.

I can’t run. So I just look.

It’s so... white.
White floors.
White sheets.
White walls.
Smells sterile—
like antiseptic,
floor cleaner.
A hospital.

Why am I here?
Think—
it all rushes back
like I’m being pulled under the unrelenting waves.
Not water this time though—
memories.

The picnic.
At the top of the cliff.
Wind in my hair, salty from the sea far below.
The spread of all my favorite foods—
watermelon, iced tea, gummy bears.
His hand on the back of my neck,
the side of my face,
his lips so soft against mine.
Melting me from the inside out.

My smile so bright.
So secure. So loved.

He wanted to show me something.
Took me to the edge of the cliff.
Down on one knee.

The ring—
three blue sapphires.
My favorite color.
The color of his eyes.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
One more kiss.
Not sweet this time—
urgent.

His hands around my waist,
pulling me as close to him as possible.
His tongue lashing at my mouth.
He’s never kissed me like this before.
But I trust him.

I trusted him.

Pull back—
his eyes are different.
Colder.
I start to ask what’s wrong—
then he pushes me.
Right
off.

Falling.
Falling.
Falling.

It takes a lifetime.
I don’t want to reach the bottom.

But I do—
because no one loves me.
I thought he loved me.
But he pushed me.

Why?
What did I do?
Why?

My tears are falling faster than my body.
I don’t want to survive.
He didn’t want me to survive.

I hit the water—
but it feels more like concrete.
Unforgiving.
Breaking.

Isn’t water supposed to be soft?

Finally I’m sinking.
Letting go.
I’d rather be in the water
than out of it with these feelings.
This confusion.

If I just sink, I won’t have to wonder.
Be crushed by the water
instead of his false words.

Relive all the things I let him do
because I thought he loved me.

Rethink every interaction.
Wonder—why?
Why?
Why?

No more wondering.
The waves are unrelenting.
Pulling me where they want me to go—
down, to this side, to that side.

Breaking my already broken body.
But there’s no pain.
Just ice.
And blue.

Blue.
Blue.

So much blue.
Bright blue.
Lightning blue.
Sizzling my skin.

I don't know the date
The time, the year
Still the memory is clear

Wooden steps creak underfoot
Sunlight slants through the sides
The big blue slide
Can't see where it goes
Just sit at the top
Birds chirp nearby
Grass freshly cut

A good place for a revelation
Nothing to do but ponder
Lost in my mind
Can't see anything else

Suddenly shot in the heart
Questions pour out first
Where is my mommy?
Wasn't she here?
Why can't I remember?
Everyone else has one
Where did mine go?

Why don't I know
What she looks like?
Sounds like?
I can't hear her

Starting to panic
Where did she go?
Will she be back?
NO

Next the emotions
Floodgates open
Can't hold it back
Don't even try

Sobs control my body
Running and running
But I can't escape
This terrible realization

I can't even speak
Explain why
The tears are erupting
When I finally do
Reveal I just found out
That my world was broken

"You already knew"
"Don't be so dramatic"
"That's old news"
You complain that my tears
Are getting you wet
Soiling your clothes
My grief is uncomfortable
An inconvenience
You just want to move past this

All of eight years old
Already being told
I can't grieve
Shouldn't feel a 3 year old wound
Should have healed by now

I didn't know it was there!
You didn't care
Now that I do
can't show how I feel
That's why
I still don't cry
In front of you

How does love speak?
Is it the same for you and me?
Does it shout and whisper
cry and scream
Lost and found
Soft and deep
Does it pray for us while we sleep
How does love speak?

Does it feel like you?
Sigh and groan
Gasp and moan
Soft skin
Sharp teeth
Wet and hot
Hard and strong
So so deep
Skin on skin
Slick with sweat
Below above
Beside within
But theres more
Hold my hands while we walk through the door
Hair soft as silk under my palm
A sweet kiss before we leave
One, two, three
Wrap me in a comforting embrace
Sit side by side
Our legs slightly touch
Grab my hand so I don't get lost
Rest my head on your shoulder
Tells you I'm here
You can be calm
Rest your head on my chest
Hear my heart beat
So easy to feel love this way
Touch

Does it spend more than money?
Watch a movie
Play some cards
Scroll through memes
The sound of your laugh
Walk through the isles
Touch all the things
Walk by the water
Feel the soft spray
Just sit in the car
We don't have to speak
Watch me take it in
Watch you relax
Lay next to me
In our silk sheets
Talk about nothing
Say everything
Feel it all together
Ignore the important
Walk in the yard
Too long grass crunching under our feet
Dream of the future
What will go where
Relive the past
Almost too much to share
It doesn't matter how we spend it
Time

Does it see what I need?
Do the laundry on a Sunday
Cook the meals
Preheat the oven
Calm the child
Take her with you
Hold the baby
Give me time
For a shower
For a snack
Sacrifice your wants
Because of our needs
I'll keep the house
Grow the babies
I'm loved because you do know  
Service

Does it give like you do?
A fuzzy brown teddy bear
That's what I call you
A heart necklace
Saying how you feel
Clothes for my body
Shoes for my feet
A golden egg
Capturing a promise
The forever question
A silver band
When I said I do
Give me all my life with you
Things don't matter just reasons
Gifts


Is it as considerate as you?
Its so much more than things you say
It's about what you mean  
"Drive safe"
I need to see you again
"See you soon"
I'm glad you're coming home
"Have a good day"
I care about your happiness
"Try to get some sleep"
I care about your comfort
"Yes it's cold"
I know you'll need a jacket
"It's okay"
The way you feel matters
"****"
"Amazing"
"Wonderful"
I'm trying to erase your insecurities
Says more than just "I love you"
Affirmation

So how does love speak?
It's not always the same for you and me
It whispers and holds
Laughs and breathes
Lost and found
Soft and deep
It stays with us even when we sleep
That's how our love speaks

I follow behind you
Bouncing as you go
So full of joy
I can't help but think
What will you become?

Golden hair flows behind
Tossed by the wind
Will it stay gold?
Or fade with age
Darken before my eyes

Less than knee height
A tripping hazard
Bruised knees
***** feet
Will you always be clumsy?  

Slurred speech
Words unfamiliar
Say what you think
Repeat what you hear
Will you truly speak?

A high pitched whine
Emotions uncontrolled
Chaos inside
But nothing is wrong
Will you have reasons to cry?

You wear a sparkly dress
Butterfly sandals
Marker stains
Claim to be a princess
Will you always love beauty?

Scribbles on paper
And tables and skin
Painting your arms
Driveways full of chalk
Will the world be your canvas?

I want time to stop
Still it flows on
Glimpses of the future
Even as she runs
Will I be there to see it?

I don't live in a state of mourning
I visit a few days a year
I really just have to feel
What I continue to push down

Sometimes I plan the visit
Save up my tears to spill
At the right time
Pack up the sadness
Let it sit in the corner
Waiting

Sometimes I drive there
In the middle of the night
The suitcase too heavy
The sky falling with the weight
Of my tears

I don't call ahead
I don't plan on going
The car drives itself
Start to recognize where I'm heading
Push on the brakes
They won't budge
Forward momentum
No way to stop

"It's not the right time"
Scream and protest
Don't get out of the car
But now the rains a hurricane

I didn't have time to pack the despair
It just pours out
Raging winds rattle the windows
It's coming in if I don't go out
I let the suitcase get too full

This place doesn't
care about my schedule  
Responsibilities pushed aside
By the impromptu visit

I open the door and realize
The sky is blue
The storm is only on the inside
I have to accept that I'm here

It's a good familiar place
I've already picked the rug
Hung the tapestries
Now I just sit
Open the suitcase
Soak it in
Let myself feel
Until it's over
Get back in the car

I don't live in a state of mourning
Don't let it consume me
I visit a few days a year
And I'll be back