Flower petals fall
A sweet reminder of death
Of how a flower–
Is slowly rotting away,
The second it grows petals

I watched a dance recital
It showed reality

There was a kid out of sink, doing everything wrong
There was a kid who had trouble balancing, struggling to stay sturdy
There was a kid who fell behind everyone else, going too slow
There was a kid who rushed ahead, their movements too fast

All these kids still tried, to stay determined
Though their eyes still hollowed, their faces ashamed

I wonder if they told themselves, “Next time I’ll do better”
I wonder if they asked themselves, “Why do I always mess up?”
I wonder if they wished someone was there to cheer them on
I wonder if they wished they could make that someone proud

This is reality
These are the things that will happen
These are the things you will say to yourself
These are the things you will hope to surpass

Though to hope is useless
This is everyone’s fate
If nothing went wrong in life
Then everything would just be the same

However if that's the case,
Then I guess life is just about pain

So really, let's be honest,
There is no escape.

In the forest there is a tree, thick branches and all
But it has no leaves, for it is afraid to grow

The weather around it is sunny and bright

But to the tree the weather is dark, cold, and full of fright

It lost its leaves in the fall and they never came back
It is too scared to sprout them again, fearing the cold

The tree does not wish to feel the winter
And worries of how to know for sure its gone

So instead the tree decides to be safe and stay dormant all summer-long


Lucky for this tree, on one fateful day,
A sweet old lady went apple picking away

She came to this forest, picking fruit after fruit
When she spotted the sad little tree, with no fruit, with no leaves

“My, my!” Cried the old woman, “What a dreadful tree! Never before have I seen one so sad!”
With boldness she approached, feeling the chill released from the trunk
Then she asked, “What are you doing? It's spring! Do you not see the way your neighbors flourish? Do you not feel the warmth of the wind?”

The tree sighed, shifting its dying branches before speaking, “I do not wish to flourish, I wish to feel at ease.”

“At ease? This is what you call it? Oh my dear this is not bliss, this is sentencing yourself to death! You must sprout and grow or behind you will be left!”

“Oh but I am scared” The tree mumbled softly, “perhaps death would be better than this, for I fear what happens if I enter the cold.”

“So you are afraid of sorrow? Of pain? Of hardship? And instead chose to die? Why now you are sentencing yourself to a fate worse than death! Look around, the winter has left. The only cold left is the cold in your head!” The old lady gently touched the tree’s trunk, then continued on,

“The winter will return— But you're wasting all your time dreading it. Enjoy this peace, before it comes to pass.”

The tree is silent, unsure what to do
But at last it speaks, accepting the truth,

“ you’re right, It’s true, It’s time to break through!”
And so with a sudden burst of strength,
The not-so-sad-little-tree grew thousands of leaves,
With the plumpest of fruits growing amongst its branches

This tree, in astonishment, admired the breeze,
The warmth of the land, and the beauty of the green

That tree could see everything,
And ever since then,

It felt it could finally breathe

And be free.

Teach me to trust
Show me you won’t hurt me—
Even if you must.

Tell me you’ll hear out my pleas
Tell me you won’t judge

Stop me from being a tree
Stop me from staying barren

Teach me to grow leaves
Remind me winter is gone

So that I can grow
And move on

This smell,
It’s intoxicating

This song,
It’s painful

It’s takes me back to the times where the air felt sweet
When my heart pounded with excitement and hope
When the fight I went through everyday—

Led to hours of peace
Led to times where it was just me and you against the world—
Led to times when I could look forward with strength and excitement
Led to times where the wind flowed into my face and filled me with joy

If I could have those moments back,
When I felt like I could be okay
When the fog felt lighter than I could ever imagine now—

Why, those memories feel like a dream

I think I was living a dream,

My dream

I can’t believe it was real

Maybe I imagined it all

But to feel that way…..
Then have it taken away—


That may be the worst thing I’ve ever felt

The dread

The despair

And worst of all,


The hope,


That maybe—

Just maybe—



I would get it back.

You say you’d cry,                
If my eyes went dark
Say your world will die
If death makes its mark—

On me, your child, I swear,
To watch you from above– wiping your tears
The cause for my fate— you would not bare
I apologize for endorsing your fears


Don’t worry, don’t cry
It’s not time to say goodbye
I promise to try
But please, don’t rely—

On an Oath, so hollow
So easy to break
But still I beg you, do not follow—
For joining me will not heal your ache

I don’t recognize—
The person who is called me
They have cloudy eyes
With a far and distant gaze
A guarded look– still speaks much

Daylight begins to fade,
As I stare out the window— stare at the sky
There's dark storm clouds in my mind
Swirling within the chaos— my thoughts, my feelings
Raindrops coming out through my eyes
The thunder heard through my cries

Trembling from the shake of my soul
Frozen in place— My emotions, ice cold
My sight, blurry windows, covered in water—
Water turning to frost— Frost keeping me wide-eyed
Wide-eyed, alert
Focused on silenting, the screams in my throat

The sun shines—
My world lacks color
I feel cold

Do cacti crave hugs?
Do they mourn their loss of touch?
Their thorns protect them—
But do they ever want more?
Tell me, are cacti touch starved?

I had a nightmare
My ****** flesh was torn off
Your clothes, rotting skin

If I went back in time and saw past me— she’d look at me with hope

She’d ask me if things got better, if life couldn’t possibly have gotten worse

And as I would look down at her, with sorry, empty eyes

All hope would be lost, as I spoke the word–

“No.”

The sun has set, the darkness has risen
The time is now–

My written letters, long and full of apologies
Placed on the table, where my “family” is bound to see

Strikes of lighting zap my heart, making me anxious yet full of fog
As I step out the door, saying one last goodbye
To the place that's my home— but never felt so

Taking down the sidewalk, with limbs so weak,
So tired– yet full of so much relief,
For at last, something now, takes action—
To try and end my suffering

That something is me—

Arriving at the bridge, climbing onto the railing
looking down upon the fast flowing river
I knew jumping was sure to get me pulled under by the tide
And then I would drown.

That however, was the plan

So as I tore away the remains of my resolve
I closed my eyes, and lept
Crashing down with a loud splash,
Into the dark, cold, wet abyss

The shock of the cold and strength of the fall,
Pushed the air out my lungs
The quick, ruthless tide rushed me down the river
Pulling me under, filling my lungs with ice-cold water.
As the cold absorbed me, taking all my heat
I knew for sure, I’ll never again feel warm

banging hard into surrounding rocks and objects—
The last bit of fear— The last speck of will to live—
Died as I stopped fighting the tide and let myself fade
Accepting that death was superior to life

My breathing stopped

I felt myself die.

Staring into space
I think of a distant time
A time were the sun would never shine,
But you, were one half of the moon
And I, the other half

Together we lit up the night
Together we ruled the stars, the sky

At the time, the night seemed endless
As if it would last forever

And though we shone so very bright
Called this free world our own
It couldn’t last forever

For the sky we called our home; our safe haven—
Became blanketed in thick fog and smoke

The volcano of trial, pain, and hardship
Had erupted and destroyed our home

From the eruption,
A burning magma rock flew

Flew with such force, that when it striked me and you—
It shattered the moon
It broke us apart–
Back into two


So now the night,
is dark,
Cold
Empty
And sad

The moon nowhere to be seen,
for it’s two halves—
you,
And me

Are no longer whole

And that is why,
full moons come slow

I remember that day so clearly— Well the morning of that day.

I was showering, the light dim, A song playing that takes me far into my past.

There was…  Something about that moment,—There was a feeling I became familiar with.

That moment was so…  Hauntingly beautiful,— Like blood on white roses. It was sickeningly perfect; it seemed wrong yet so right—


The feeling I had was dissociation. But it wasn’t the normal kind, not like the type I have now.

It felt like vape smoke deep in my lungs, filling my head, my mind. But it was dark, like smog. Hovering around me, filling me.

It twisted around my head, like a dark foreshadowing of the horrors soon to come.


I felt clueless…

Yet…

At peace.

It was almost like I was floating.

That morning was like peaceful dribbles of rain, before it strengthened and became a strong storm…

It certainly felt like there were soft droplets falling from a cloud within my head.

Like the dissociative fog became so strong it needed to rain.
How could I have known my soft droplets would turn to pounding rain, with booming thunder and flashing lightning?

How could I have known my heart could beat louder than that thunder?

How could I have known my heart would be that thunder?


But still—

Despite the dreadful day it became.

That feeling— That memory— That day—

Holds a special carved-out place deep within my soul.


A place created from the eye of the storm.

A place of peace, fear, unpredictability,


Yet,


familiarity.

The air was aerie and silent, chilly breezes blowing like songs of sorrow

It’s dark, it’s scary, but it tells a beautiful story

Stories that took place on dark nights, just like this one

Stories where the trees looked more frightful than ever, as they cast lonely shadows in which sublime monsters lurk


But with courage, if you venture, if you strike down your fear,

You’ll trial through the forest and come across a safe haven;

A clearing where owls hoot, where fireflies spark

And the deep, blue sky is covered in glittering stars

Then the moon, the supreme ruler of the night– hovering above

Like a celestial being—

To be worshiped,

To be loved

So perhaps the night isn’t so frightful after all