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I love you
Is a monster
That I'm scared of
But am trying to face

I love you
Is a monster
With the ability to tear me apart
Until I'm nothing but an atom
Or quantumly gone

I love you
Is the monster
That stands in my way
Whenever I allow myself to feel the words
That I say

Its massive
Covered in flames
Thorns
Blades
Horns

Its leering
And its sticky
With all sorts of things that can hurt
And break
And shatter
And maul
Me into nothing
Stuck all over it

It overshadows
My entire being
And it roars into my ears
Until I can hear nothing less
And nothing more

I stare at the monster
And I want to run
To flee
To curl up in a ball
And be
Invisible

But underneath everything that makes
I love you
A monster
Is a beautiful creature

I love you is a monster
But only because of what it's covered in

I love you is a monster
But only because of whats stuck to it

I love you is a monster
But only because of how the monster hurts

The monster is burning
And covered in tar
And its got thorns
And blades
Stabbing into it
So it roars on pain

But because I'm afraid
I love you is just a momster
Not a hurt creature

I see that now though
And I'm trying to get close

Close enough to put out the fire
And wash off the tar
And take out the thorns
And the blades

Close enough to uncover the fluffy fur
And wrap its wounds in bandages
Care for the burns
And all of the damage

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me warmth
Instead of trying to pass on the burning flames

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me gentle
Instead of stabbing and harsh

But I'm sorry
Because I'm scared
So I love you
Is
Just
A
Monster
Mar/12/2025
This is not a common era

The trouble is threefold

Drinking from an empty glass

Opening the door to strangers

Walking along these jagged cliffs

If you tolerate this

Your children will be next
Evangeline, on the soulless night of February, I continue growing my broken wings. I remain sentimental, wasting my tears away. When I look at you, all I sense is the growing impatience that I will never be able to sit with you.

Even if I bloom with these wings and my graceful tears, I don't believe you will hear my silent pleas and whimsical, hopeful yearnings.

I am a tree with seeds of sadness buried deep in the earth. A rotting fruit of desires. I could never be as majestic as you, chère Evangeline. I am eloquently silent, with my lips tightly shut; I am a crumbling mountain, and madness slowly decapitates my light—but make it poetical.

Make my sadness profoundly graceful. Make my body arch like the slipper orchids. Make me a beautiful yet distant star, Evangeline.
princess and the frog was one of my favorite disney films, and I can't help but also wish on the evening star, evangeline, in hopes my wishes will come true too.

let down - radiohead
Light,
The light from above has bestowed upon me the urge to dance, despite it all, all, all. A spark has spread a little fire—the music never stopped, despite it all.  

Affection,
Facing slowly—affection all over the floor. Summer has not started yet, but there is heat, devotion, warmth in absence. I nod to the sun. I turn towards the dappled, bronzed skin of mine.

Jazz,
There is something ferocious living inside this four-cornered apartment, where the absence of childhood has taken half my life—but there are flowers, flowers in my head. Slowly dancing in the whiskers of the afternoon—velvety, yes, velvety notes striking the rhythm of my body. Swaying, swaying, almost lost in the murmur of the piano—the saxophone aggravates the thrill in my bones. I look up at the ceiling; colors start to swirl even more. Strings spill like liquid—smooth and endless, more and more. Conversing here and there, I am alive again.  

“Turn your face towards the sun,” they say. I dreamed of my childhood, and the heat of the sun felt like slow jazz in the afternoon.
I wrote this for 10 minutes because jazz made me feel alive today.

jazz is for ordinary people - berlioz
Finally

I am bigger
than the triggers
that trigger me.
My English teacher said
The opposite of love
Is hate.
But it's not hate,
It's apathy.
Hate still breathes,
It's fiery, raw, and real.
But apathy?
Apathy is a void
Where nothing's left to feel.
No anger, no tears,
Just empty.
So if you ask what's worse,
Hate or apathy,
I'd say apathy,
The silence,
The hollow space,
Where nothing is felt
And nothing is left
Between us.
If you ever feel,
Like you are an accident,
Just close your eyes,
And listen to the birds,
Tweedle-ee, tweedle-oo,
Hear the sway of the leaves,
Shhhhhh... shhhhhh,
Open your eyes,
See the blue sky,
The green grass,
The fresh air,
And remember,
You
Are
Loved.
Wanted.
Do not give up.
Keep pressing on.
I press on for the prize,
For which God has called me heavenward,
In the name of Christ Jesus.

You are never alone.
I chewed through the streets to find you

up & down the avenues of hope

my burning heart raged with fire
when you were there

and you were all that I wanted,
all that I cared for

you brought out the potential in me
when others had shown me the grave

you released my creative freedoms
when others had me incarcerated

all others before you were mere
throwaways, a simple practice
leading up to you

but when the lust had dried up
and my yearn for your thighs
still watered,

I still cared for only you

its when you became the exact opposite
of everything you’ve ever shown me

that’s when the love became scarce:

I could not stand the sight of you
I could not fathom what you’ve become
I could not grasp what lurked behind those fiery eyes

we were once aggressive lovers of dark bedrooms
and now passive strangers on blue-grey streets


and when we cross each other’s paths,
you fidget with your knick knacks
and watch your soap operas

so, I must go
out into the cold
where it is winter
where it is always winter
where the harsh winds sting
and the frost bites as the snow storms
back where my heart still rages on
in the streets I used to chew
through.
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