I was forced,
To give my heart.
I was forced,
To give my soul.
I was forced,
to give my thoughts.
I was forced to,
To give all of me,
As a whole.
They didn’t show no mercy.
Each attack.
They didn’t get karma,
I didn’t get revenge.
They served my life,
On a ******,
Platter.
They used me,
To there full extent.
Know I’m left wondering,
If I’ll ever come back.
To my childhood,
I dreamed of.
That I thought was perfect.
But those 2 years,
In school.
THAT day.
a physical scar,
That life,
Is a force,
That can rip your,
Life away in a second.
I still think why I let this happen.
The answer,
Is the threats.
I will forever live,
That what happened,
wasn’t true.
But I can’t help but wonder…
What would have changed—
If I had spoken up more?
If I had told them right away?
If I had fought?
But,
I was forced.
now I worry,
That even now,
I’m left here to decay.

Hello y’all!
My name is Olivia Williams,
And if you are just meeting me or seeing my page..

WELCOME!!
I want to do a quick vote in the comments of YOUR favorite poem (pick ONLY 1 PLS :))
AND  do a vote as well if you WOULD LIKE to see previews of my future BOOKS on my page as well!?
It would be greatly appreciated if I could get some Input so I know what y’all are into writing-wise!
Thanks to those who have supported me so far, and welcome to all newcomers!
-your writer:
Olivia Williams :)

my goals :)
-take breaks when needed
-spill EVERYTHING out on paper
And read it before hitting “send”
-post AT LEAST 1 a day (if I’m not taking a break)
- take care of myself
- write something happy at least 2 times a month

its NOT an imaginary friend.
It’s not a dream.
It’s not fake,
It’s a REAL thing.
It’s a voice in your head,
It’s visions you get.
It’s real pain you endure,
Whether those know it or not,
It’s true,
It real.
DONT call this a bluff,
I have had ENOUGH.
people TELLING ME,
to “get over it”.
Or Im “faking it for attention”.
DO YOU THINK I WANT THIS!?
DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE HAUNTED!?
BY THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!?
24/7,
Day and night.
Alone or in public.
In a bathroom or in a mall,
It’s always there— taunting me.
Hoping I trip and fall.
The blood…
The eyes,
It’s all a disguise.
Only meant for my eyes.
So DONT YOU DARE!?
Tell me it’s fake.
Because I’m fighting,
Voices.
who GIVE NO grace.

Scratched
Worn
Splintered  
Torn
I hang on
But who knows how long

This piece of driftwood
In the open—raging sea
Pummeling me and this driftwood
Far away from land
In a surging storm
Me at to rip away the weak

I try so much
I cry all day
I beg for mercy
On most of my days
This pain
The nausea
The dizzy spells
All the times I *****
Because I can’t keep things down

Or how about my anxiety
My hallucinations too
It’s not fair
That the medication isn’t doing
what it’s supposed too

I try and try
But I fail and fall
And I collapse
So much
Ive fainted before

If you ask me if
“Im alright”
I’ll say “Im fine”
And move on with my life
Because no matter
What I have to keep fighting
I know that Theve tried
I know there trying
But what there doing isn’t enough
And I’m hurting

So here I am
On a driftwood out to sea
Fighting brutal storm
Pushing me
I don’t know the last time
I was free

But
At least I know
I have energy left
To keep up the mask
And I know that in this space
I can be me
And spill out
My battles

Like this painful
Ride
Whitch I will try
To fight
And let myself be me

The cycle.
Day and night.
This daily fight.
Just to survive.
What is this cycle ?
You may ask?
Well it goes like this,
And everyday it lasts.
I eat.
I get nauseous.
I gag.
I *****.
I can’t keep food down,
I can’t keep liquids down,
I don’t feel hunger,
I’m afraid to eat.
So—in turn I don’t eat,
or drink at all.
Till my body breaks-
and I collapse,
Or fall.
Then it repeats,
Putting it back into me.
Even though I’m afraid,
And I find no reason why,
To keep eating,
If I can’t keep it down,
In the first place.
This is what life is like,
With disorders,
And illness.
My body repeats this cycle,
But the doctors try to postpone it.
Still with no success…

I carry a storm,
In the pocket of my shirt.
A restless demon,
Clawing.
Ripping.
Shredding.
My body apart,
From the inside out.
Shattering bones,
Through every breath.
The taste of blood,
Of acid,
Is all I know.
Thunder in my mind,
And voices,
Is all that bombards,
My brain.
My hallucinations.
Develop,
I was told I'm faking,
But I'm not fine.
The demos echo,
They yell,
In that shrill voice,
I know all too well.
These echos send,
Alarms like a bell.
My heart is shattered glass,
Like a mirror,
Laying on the floor.
Cutting deeper,
With each bolt,
That sends waves into my body.
I wear this weight.
Like a second skin.
That’s underneath,
Hiding what’s within.
I struggle—I fight everyday.
What you don’t see,
Is what goes on,
Day to day.
The vomiting.
The pain.
The nausea.
The shame.
The anemia.
The dizziness.
The fighting for life,
It’s a lot of chores.
To stay alive— is a battle,
My body forces me to ride,
Like a roller coaster.
This fight in my pocket,
Is a storm brewing out of control
Who knows?
When my body,
Will hit a pole.
This storm,
Is making me lose myself,
More.

Why do I cry?
Why do I feel sad?
Why do I feel worthless?
Why do I feel bad?

Why do I feel like,
I’ll never be enough?
Why do I feel,
I’ll never be tough?

Why do I think…
I’m brave enough?
Why do I think,
I can stand up,
For what’s right?
Why do I struggle,
With all the,
Simple things in life?

Why do I hate,
The thought,
Of being alone?
Why do I feel,
Like I’m stuck in a black hole?

Why do I fight back?
Why do I lie?
Why didn’t I protect myself…
That day i almost died?

All these “whys” inside my head.
All these questions,
Not answered.
Just left on “read”
Taking up space inside my brain.
Rent free,
Causing so much pain.

I still ask,
“Why.”

Pride month.
Flags of all kind,
Hoping to find someone else,
Who wears there flag proud.
As I only have 2 friends,
Who I know,
That share there story and beliefs,
Proud.
I want to be that person too.
So I’m writing this to talk.
That it’s okay to speak up,
It’s ok to be yourself.
You don’t have to hide,
And be someone else.
Your flag.
Your beliefs.
Are you,
Your own person.
So let yourself shine.
Let yourself,
Love,
Cry,
Laugh,
Get mad,
Get upset,
Because it’s okay,
And I’ll always be here to talk.
I’ll always be by your side,
Just…
Let yourself,
have pride.

That day.
That life.
That pastime.
That fright.
When I was left,
Behind that stair,
Crying.
No one else knew I was there.
That blood.
Those bruises.
That pain,
I’ve tried to fight through it.
But the weight,
That it holds.
That the fact,
No one even knew.
Those scars.
That blood.
Dripping down my face,
Into my eyes,
Down my throat,
Blood pooling at my feet.
Sitting there,
in time of need.
That day.
That led,
To fighting,
For life.
Those flashbacks,  
Of when they pulled me into that hallway.
School.
Crime.
Turned on there “other” face,
And destroyed my hope,
That the world can be great.
That blood.
Will forever,
Remain in my memory.
That pain I felt will never be gone,
The pain that day.
That nobody noticed or saw.
That day,
Was what hurt me the most.
That day.

Thorns.
Blood.
Scars.
Pain.

Bullying.
Rumors.
Love.
Hate.

Cries.
Begging.
Pleas,
For help.

No one is listening,
No way out.
Thorns stab,
Like knifes to skin.

How will I escape?
When I’m stuck in a body I don’t want…
With health issues,
I can’t take care of.
My body giving up on me,
And I Know I’m failing within.

Spreading pain.
Of those words,
That blood,
That day.
Cold tile floor.
Lies.
Thorns stabbed me then,
left an imprint on my soul.

So know I live my life,
Stuck in a web of pain,
Being punctured with thorns.

My stomach is a coffin,
Holding each meal.
Waiting to explode out of the casket,
Rejecting what my body needs the most.
My nausea is the funeral,
Coming like waves.
On a stormy day.
Locking me in for hours.
No escape.
My pain is the graveyard.
Bones and ghosts haunt my past
And hurt my future.
They yell and mock,
No matter what they talk.
My brain— the tears,
Running down my face like rain,
As my body feels like a knife plunging into me.
Late nights, and early mornings of shooting, stabbing pain
That won't give up for a second.
No avail.
I don't want to live with this pain,
This nausea,
The throwing up.
My demon mocks, “It got ya.”
The dizzy, and headaches,
The late nights, and early mornings,
The nightmares and flashbacks,
All the times I felt faint,
The time I fainted—
I don't want to live like this.
I need help to find a way.
Whether it's meds, appointments, or therapy,
As long as no one blames it all on something
Completely out of order.
I'm running into a border—
A wall,
A blockage.
I fall.
I trip.
I get shoved.
Will I fit in?
Into this place?
Will I make stupid mistakes?
Will I be betrayed?
Pain is something I don't take lightly.
I used to keep it hidden,
I used to use a mask.
But now that I'm open about it,
People think I'm attention-seeking
When I'm just trying to communicate,
When I don't know exactly how yet.
Sure—I've told lies,
I've made a disguise.
I'm trying to change.
I have made a mistake.
I'm human, I do that sometimes.
I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions.
I just need someone to listen.
Because I'm sick of living in a black hole,
Feeling like a knife is plunging into my stomach with each cramp,
Each sting.
The nausea is the other thing it brings.
I just need someone to listen.
And I need help with many things.
So many…
Like pain.

Another year goes by,
Another year awaits.
What will each year be?
Well..I can’t stop thinking—
About all my mistakes.
All the times I lied,
I didn’t eat.
All the times,
I said I did my homework,
But I just procrastinated-
Accepted I’d never be good enough,
Accepted defeat.
I tried to hide myself within a disguise,
But how long will this last?
I guess I’ll have to wait,
As I have no choice.
Year after year,
Will keep going by.

Clinking metal,
Cold against bruised skin.
Hope lost,
No where within.
Strength gone,
They stole from me.
I try to escape,
But my chains,
Forever hold me.
Inch thick,
Cement wall,
Chain attached,
Ive hope for escape,
But mental—
physical pain,
Seems to,
Forever last.
Chains are what’s holding me back.
Regret,
Pain,
Shame.
“Im not worthy”
“I’ll never be perfect”
“I’ll never be loved”
“I’ll never be safe”
“Im scared to grow up”
“I’ve already lost my faith”
And yet I'm here,
I’m alive,
But why do I feel so empty?
The answer is these chains,
That hold me tight.

Flower
-A short story-
Olivia williams

     A meadow with a girl surrounded by grass and flowers of all types, shapes, sizes, and colors. Out of all of them, there is a very unique and special yellow rose whose petals feel like fur and whose patterns are different and special.
    The patterns consist of many yellow and white polka dots and the special, strange rose is as big as the girl's hand. She picks the flower, curious, happy, and calm, admiring its beauty as her brown hair flows in the soft mild wind. Other kids are playing tag around her, but she feels different, as they are all surrounded by different flowers, and the yellow rose is alone. She takes it home, plants it in her garden, and cares for it. Soon, the flower grows like no other, but it's still alone.
       The girl picks a petal daily, and each petal gives her a new adventure, task, a new experience in her life. The new experience leads to things both good and bad. The flower becomes a guide for her, helping her navigate through everything. For every boulder she pushes, it still seems to bring her down, but with the help and pride of watching her flower grow, she gets through all the ups and downs of life. Soon, she becomes a teenager, but still, the flower is there, leading her through some of the toughest and most crucial points of life.
    One breezy fall evening, bundled in her fall coat, white hat, and white mittens, she ventures through her neighborhood and to school. Soon she realizes, as she grows closer, that even though it is a weekend, the gates are open. She steps from the pavement to the grass and she can almost feel the soft grass through her sneakers.
      After a walk, she notices that all the flowers are picked dry and soon learns that the flowers the other children had gave them irresistible options, and the flowers made them rich and cruel. As days go on, she gets bullied for not being like her other classmates. One foggy night, she returns from school and sits down on her bed, frustrated, upset, and angry with her so-called “friends”. They seem to make fun of her so much. After she eats supper, she goes to water her rose but as soon as she touches it, the petals and her hand glow.        
       The glowing spreads through her body and she feels different and strange. Soon she notices the new power that Rose has given her. It had given her the power of strength, the power to never give up, the power of hope. She no longer feels angry and comes to terms with her situation. She decides that she needs to learn to love herself for who she is and after a while becomes a unique and special flower, just like that unique, special yellow polka dot Rose.

I can’t seem to take a breath
Just can’t seem to breath
Just can’t seem to find a moment
Where I can think about..
Me
Can’t seem to find a path
That accepts me for me
I can’t seem to take a breath
And I can’t seem to find what I need
To live
To breath
To thrive
To achieve
To love
To laugh
To fight
This path
Those red eyes
That knife
That stabs me
In the back
Through my heart
Into my soul
Up my head
Down my throat
Pulling everything out
Breaking me down
Can’t seem to breath
At all right now
With everything that’s going on
I just keep trying to push strong

“But you can’t” he shames

“YEAH I CAN” i say

“You’ll just fail” he mocks

“NO I WON'T” I pray

“Your not worthy” he demands

“YOU KEEP HURTING ME EVERYDAY”  

you’ll never be enough” he mimics

“STOP“ i yell

“You never be great”

“PLEASE” i scream

“you’ll never be safe”

“HAVE MERCY ON ME”

“YOU DON'T DESERVE LOVE” he bellows

“STOPPPPPP” I whimper

“ILL CONTROL YOU FOREVER” He roars

“NOOOOOOOOOOO” i say

“YOUR MINE FOREVER, THERE'S NO ESCAPE, YOU'RE MY HOSTAGE, I'M THE ONE INCHARGE! IM THE ONE IN THIS CAPE!!!” He howls

I need to find my power
i need to escape this pain
I need mercy
On myself
I need someone else
To take away some of my pain
I feel like I’m not enough
Every single day
Someone please help me
I can’t seem to take a breath
I can’t seem to breath
Right now
Will you help me
….escape?

When I was young
I went to school
The library was like home
I’d sit in the chairs
Staring at them all
with curiosity in my eyes
“I would like to read this book!”
I’d call
She’d grab it for me
And check it out
The librarians
Already knew me by heart
She’d say
“Those books are very advanced!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I'm sure!” I’d reply
Going to sit down
I’d get very cosy
And start reading aloud
The librarian was surprised
By the level I could read
I wasn’t though
The books were very fascinating to me
In elementary school I read middle school books
I was always one grade ahead
No matter what the library’s been my happy place
Books to me
They come to life
They jump out the pages
And speak to me
This library was my first adventure
And always will be
Where my future was unlocked
I’m an author know
With many books and poems
All thanks to the library
Which I called home

“I need help”
I call
When I just keep seeming to fall
“I need strength”
I beg
To the world
When I’m sad
“I need a hug”
I beg
When I’m crying
Sometimes in shame
I need help
I need strength
I need love  
I need faith
I need hope
I need courage
I need help
Every day
To make it through the day
I need help with life
When it leads me
The wrong way
Into strife
I need help
When I take a wrong turn
I need help
This path I've been on
It’s been so
Wrong
It’s so long
It gets worse
When I fall
So I’m thankful
I can say
I need help
No matter where I am in life
No matter the path I take
I make mistakes
I fall
I cry
I take things for granted
But Im human
And every once in a while
I need help

My angel, my mom  
The one I always trust
I only want you to know
That in strife, to you, I always go
The part of my heart
The part of my soul
That keeps me from crumbling
Into my own hole
My supporter, my strength
The one who gives love, and faith
The one with hope in her eyes
That shines so bright
It fills me inside And out
The hugger
The singer
The one who no matter what,
Joins my road
I trust you with my life,
You make me whole
It’s true,
Dear mom,
You make me believe
I can do anything in this world
No matter how strong
Or how big
You are my heart
You are my light
No matter how big the tunnel
You guide me through
With that light I always see
And hold me close
When I’m in strife some more
I love you mom
More than words could say,
This poems for you
Because I want to say
I love you
To infinity..and beyond. (+10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000)
:)

Mom- p3
———
Mom,
You’ve filled my days
With hugs and love
You brushed away tears
Along with Silencing life’s fears
You guided when I lost light
Hugged, cried
Laughed
Lied
Surprised
And
Sang
All the days
And nights away
You’ve filled my days
With unconditional love
And given peace to my heart
As my mom
Your my strength that guides
Me no matter how far I stray
Away from
Life’s days.

Mom- p2
——
Mom
Your arms are always open
To comfort and guide
You eyes always light up when you smile
Or when you laugh
Your hugs always comfort when I cry
You ears are always open
To listen, never judge
Your love is unconditional
your as gentle as a dove
Your kindness shines
Through
Your love
Never gone
You shine a light down my path
When I’m in fog
Your heart always holds
A place in my heart
I love you mom
Were connected like stars
The moon is you
Bright and soothing
Your light leads the way
When people betray
Your strength picks me up
When I’ve fallen down
I love you mom
More than you could imagine
We’re forever connected
No matter how much we fall down

Only my dad- p2
——————

Only my dad
Comes home at night
Tiredness strewn
Bout his face
Exhaustion
Sunken in his eyes
But still it barely leaves a trace
He smiles
And chuckles
At all the accomplishments
Of that day
While venting
About the work
That took him all
Day
Then comforts and guides
On the struggles
That unfold
He’s strong
He’s brave
His love like no other
His role as father
Guides once again
As life throws turns
No one foretold
His mind
And words comforting
And bold
His love
Like a dove
Guiding a path
Along a rode
Of danger
When we lost the map.
Only my dad
Whose mind
Goes beyond
Only my dad
Who’s fearlessness Is strong
Only my dad
Who constantly loves
Beyond words
I love you dad more than you could know
Actually…more than that…
I love you to infinity and beyond
From head to toe

Dad, your my strength
In so many ways
Your love
As bright as stars
They light the way
You use your strength to guide me
When I fall
Far away
Your my hero dad
More than words could say
All you’ve done
You’ve worked
So hard
To put food on the table
And to offer us safety
When we lost ours
You’ve offered your strength
You’ve offered your love
You’ve offered your heart
And your kindness
That shines through
Like a dove
Your hearts so big
To carry this much
But I can’t be more thankful
As your always there
Even when we can’t be in touch
I love you dad
More than words can say
Your my hero
No matter when my fails get in the way
I love you
To the moon and back
Past the stars
Love surpasses that
Especially ours

For you dad! -Love- Olivia

Dad,
You always hold my hand
You always guide me through
I trust you with my heart
As your one I always knew
You held me at birth
And you hold me still
You hold your head up high
And hold mine up to
Your my protector
Your my angel
Your the one I’ll always love
You hold me up when I fall
You guide me from the dark
I love you so much dad
More than words can say
I love you to infinity and beyond
And To the moon and back
Your heart guides me through
All the struggles I face
You block everything
When life gets in the way
“I love you dad”
I’ll always pray

BURDEN
A Poem by Olivia Williams
Metal chains,
Weighing down
Blood-covered wrists.
No one has noticed or found.
Rocks on my shoulders,
Heavy and cracked,
Past repair.
Stuck in a storm of despair,
Repeated thoughts
That swarms my mind.
Tangled up in guilt,
No denying
That flicker I need
Always fades.
The people that love me
Always end up in my web of betrayals.
I scream in silence,
Either no one hears
Or no one cares.
A battle started,
With no way to win.
Fighting and fighting,
But this burden traps me within.
I feel their looks,
Always concerned.
I can't explain,
As I always blame myself, thinking,
“It’s my fault, I could have stopped it.”
I know this is what I’ve earned.
I try to speak,
And to explain,
But my burden
Drags everything—
Including my family and friends—
Farther and farther
Away.
This storm strips me of my life,
Of what I hope.
I drag them down
When I crash my boat.
One day I'll break.
They'll notice,
And fear
That I'll fall and break,
And I'll be too far beyond repair.
I push everyone close
With my smile,
Even though it's fake,
But then I push them back out.
I'm just afraid for them to see
How torn I truly am.
I want to heal,
I want to let go.
I'll always be the weight,
And the burden
That holds everyone
Apart.
Because when I share what I feel,
I tear others apart.
I burden everyone I see,
And I feel so bad.
Now I’m stuck in this loop—
Of pain, betrayal, getting help, and giving up—
With no way out.
This is my burden, always here.
I need people to listen—
PLEASE LISTEN!
PLEASE HEAR!!!

All Up In My Head
A Poem By: Olivia Williams.



All up in my head
Can't even go to bed
Just keep seeming to fret
still trapped in a loop
Like I'm caged in a coop
Fighting every night
Demons always picking fights
Losing my mind

How many times
Do I have to count
Schools getting hard
That's why I'm writing this
I'm still fighting
but when I'm bout to escape
I miss my chance

And The Voices in my head
Can't seem to help me focus on my work
Can't seem to help me sit still
Its like my head Is being pounded like a drill

I know somethings wrong
But how do I speak up?
My body doesn't feel right
I am still having a hard time
Falling asleep and waking up

The world goes by in slow motion
My brains in a fog
While it feels like the voices in my head
Are yelling at the top of their lungs

I'm all up in my head
Am I losing my mind?
I'm still trying to fight
But I'm not sure when my body will..
Break..
Will this make..
Me change

Will this take its time?
When I express my concerns
It feels like the response or “change”
Is taking eternity

I'm starting to fall apart
not only on the outside
But internally

I'm all up in my head
Writing this because I can't seem to go to bed
I'm stuck here staring at these pale yellow walls
Wondering if sleep will come..

If any at all
I'm still..
All up in my head.

Friend- a poem
By: Olivia Williams
———
We can talk all night,
Spill secrets and gossip all day,
Talk about cute boys and girls,
Or those who betray.
We can go shopping in the mall.
Swimming in the pool.
I need new people,
Because I trust very few.
My health is deteriorated,
I know that’s a fact.
I just want someone by my side,
Who knows how to cheer me up,
Pull back my hair,
When I’m sick.
laugh till we both CANT breath.
I just wish for a person,
who’s someone knew.
I wish someone would talk too me,
Better than some others do,
It’s true.
I struggle day and night,
To build trust in the people I have,
To be honest,
I need to start anew!
Will you be my friend?
To infinity and beyond,
Is the word in my family.
We love, and carry, and trust.
to infinity and beyond,
And I need a new person,
Who respects that too,
Be my friend.
And we’ll connect.
I need to be more open,
So let’s be friends.

Valiant-
A poem By:
Olivia Williams.
——-
I try to be valiant
I try to be brave
I try to be someone important
I try to be a friend
I try to be honest
And kind
I try to be respectful
Creative, and unique
But yet I fall
And I get sad
That things aren’t going the way I planned
This person he controls
My whole personality
And always withholds
From letting me be myself
So I can’t be any of those
I try to be unique
I try to be myself
But most of all
I want to be valiant

-FIRE IN MY VEINS-
A SONG/ POEM: BY
OLIVIA WILLIAMS

INTRO
———-
I've been fighting for my life
Now I'm putting my foot down
If you cross me again
You’ll see inner strength now  
I’m done being bound
You said you trusted me
I trusted back  
A relationship. but,
Now you broke my life apart
Shattered it like glass  
So now I’m done with that
I've been torn apart
I've lost a couple hearts
My hope wrecked like a boat
On a rocky shore
Not afloat  
I screamed for help
But on one came
I was struggling then
With those to blame
I’m taking control
I’m not stepping down
You can stand back
Or you can JOIN ME NOW


CHORUS
——————
I was broken,
I was bleeding,
I was pleading,
I was screaming.
I wasn’t fighting,
Now I have fire in my veins.

Skin strong- like a tigers mane
Your bout to meet,
The real me, no glam.
I’m not a fan.
BAM.
I am in your face,
LIKE WAM.
You expected- grace?
HAH, NO..
I was silent,
Now I speak.
Seriously!? You think I’m weak!?
Try bleeding on the streets,
Face down.  concrete!
Oh! I don’t think you’ve looked at me!?
I’m rising from the deep.
So are you going to guess,
Who your about to meet?  
HAH- ITS ME

BRIDGE
————
From ashes, I rise
From fear, I thrive
You think I’ll decline?
Watch me put up a fight.
Strength in my breath,
Heart beating slow,
Anxiety fading,
Watch my power grow.
Ashes and chains—
You think I’m afraid?
Watch who you blame.
DON’T make this mistake.
I’ve got fire and flame,
Strength and pain.
I won’t take the blame—
You’ve done nothing but cause hurt and shame.
Now I’m dropping the weight of chains,
And I feel it—truly, in my veins.


VERSE 1
————
you call me insane
You think I’m untamed
I’m breaking through  
You think Im stupid
I’m foolish- a clown
In your carnival games  
Your actions are crazy
You act careless and lazy
Treating me like a baby

My life is turning around
Your actions and others
Have ripped me apart
Like paper and blades  
I’m going to put up a fight
If you think you can play me
With your stupid games
I’m not taking peoples stupidity
Not all these lies  
I’m standing up
If you test me
We’re DONE
I won’t swallow your remarks
I won't shy away- your pain
You don’t want to test me
Because I'm stronger than you believe  

I got fire coursing
Brain is flooding  
So DON'T make the same mistakes.
I’m not putting on the breaks  
Fire in my veins
Taking the reigns
Blood boiling like steam
Energy rising
Like light from a beam
Stress fading like the storm you caused  
im taking control
It’s not taking a toll  
You want me to hit pause?
No! LOOK AT ME NOW
Fire is my strength
And it’s stampeding through my veins

CHORUS
————-
I was broken,
I was bleeding,
I was pleading,
I was screaming.
I wasn’t fighting,
I got fire in my veins.

Skin strong- like a tigers mane
Your bout to meet,
The real me, no glam.
I’m not a fan.
BAM.
I am in your face,
LIKE WAM.
You expected- grace?
HAH, NO..
I was silent,
Now I speak.
Seriously!? You think I’m weak!?
Try bleeding on the streets,
Face down.  concrete!
Oh! I don’t think you’ve looked at me!?
I’m rising from the deep.
So are you going to guess,
Who your about to meet?  
HAH- ITS ME


BRIDGE
————
From dark- I've grown
I sit- on a Throne
No more chains
That kept me bound
Look! It’s the real me!
It’s she, who I've found!
I won’t take your blame
You think Its funny?
Like it’s your game?
Well, your out of luck,
Remember my name


VERSE 2
—————
I’m done hiding the pain,
No more tears in the rain.
Every scar has made me stronger,
No more running, no more hiding.
I will always keep fighting,
I faced the dark, I faced the storm,
Found the fire that keeps me warm.
I’ve fought battles deep inside,
Where broken memories and fears collide.
But now I’m rising, breaking chains,
From those who left me to take the blame
Leaving behind all the stains.
The past can’t hold me anymore,
I’m stronger than I was before.
You thought I’d break and fall,
But I’m standing tall through it all.
Stronger now, I claim my reign,
Fire blazing through every vein.
I’m the storm you can’t contain,
And I’m never backing down again
CHORUS
————-
I was broken,
I was bleeding,
I was pleading,
I was screaming.
I wasn’t fighting,
I got fire in my veins.

Skin strong- like a tigers mane
Your bout to meet,
The real me, no glam.
I’m not a fan.
BAM.
I am in your face,
LIKE WAM.
You expected- grace?
HAH, NO..
I was silent,
Now I speak.
Seriously!? You think I’m weak!?
Try bleeding on the streets,
Face down.  concrete!
Oh! I don’t think you’ve looked at me!?
I’m rising from the deep.
So are you going to guess,
Who your about to meet?  
HAH- ITS ME

OUTRO
————
Candle bright,
Guiding the night,
Stronger than you think,
I’m ready for more.
I want to be more than who I am
I want to make an imprint,
On the ground where I stand.
This is my story told,
In courage, fierce and bold,
Standing tall, I’ve named—
For sure-
I HAVE CLAIMED!
FIRE IN MY VEINS!!

The Road-
A poem: by Olivia Williams.
——-
i've run along this road all my life
I've been running away from it all night
I've been hanging on to these handrails that just keep breaking
People keep telling me that no matter what I'm lying
I've been running away from these shackles that hold me prisoner
These thoughts that want to break my mind
My body that feels like its crumbling as time goes on
“I need to hang on”
“I need to stay strong”
I think in my head as I run this road
“But I'm a failure”
“But I'll never be important enough”
They reply back
“You'll never be great”
You'll never be perfect”
They continue as they chuckle
I run as they chase me
All my thoughts mix together
Envy and Sadness
Hope and anger
Hopelessness
It's all there
It is all that held my world accountable
All the times I've been pushed to breaking point
All the times I've been hurt beyond words
All the times I've been left in the dirt
All the times I've been missing the signs
The signs I'm human
The signs I'm a good person
The signs I'm someone worth living for
Everyday i fight
Fight pain, physical and mental  
Fighting has held me strong
Everything inside me
Is fighting
I sing it
It's my song
This is my road
My life
My heart
And I've reached a point where I have to accept myself
No matter what
This roads mine
Through everything
My Suffering and my pain
My joy and my shame
it's on this road
That I've been running from
I've been running from my feelings
They have tried to hold me hostage
This devil of dark
This red-eyed monster
The past is behind me
I'm starting new
This year is my year
I'll make sure of it to
I need all the help i can get
To change my ways
To help me move away from the past
I need to move past it
I call all family and friends
All teachers and others
All my supporters
I need people to help me
I need people to join my road
So…
Will you join me?

I WATCH
A Poem- TW -HEALTH ISSUES-
—————
I watch myself
From across the room.
My heart beats fast.
My brain spins.
My body feels
Like it’s tingling,
Like it’s truly not there.
I watch myself
Do things that aren’t me.
My hand moves
As if I turned an unknown key.
My mouth speaks words
I sometimes don’t know.
I constantly feel like I’m in a hazy fog,
In a world of the unknown.
I feel dizzy,
And suddenly, time stops.
I try to move,
But nothing works.
I try to make eye contact,
But my vision is blurred.
People’s words drown out,
The world goes silent.
I feel unheard.
Then everything comes rushing back,
Like bubbles coming to the surface.
I continue with what was said before,
Not realizing everyone’s staring at me weird.
I’m confused, but they don’t say a thing,
And I continue as normal,
Not sure what happened.
I have panic attacks.
After each one,
I feel like my body is going to explode.
My head pounds hard.
My heart beats fast.
My body shakes uncontrollably.
It always seems to last.
I still don’t feel okay,
But it’s an everyday thing.
I feel out of my body,
Like a ghost turned to dust,
Like I’m watching myself perform tasks
That I’m pretty sure I’m not.
Many times,
I feel as if I’m out of my body,
Or like I’m spacing out
And losing my memory.
I’m unsure of why,
But my body feels like a crumbling brick wall
That gets built up and knocked down.
It’s wall after wall,
Never that strong.
I still watch,
I still wait,
As my vision dims again,
And words are incoherent,
Like I’m drowned out by the noise of a freight train.
I scream in silence,
As my body falls asleep.
My eyes feel like rocks,
Sinking to the bottom of a sandy reef.
I will always watch,
And watch,
As time goes on.
I’m glad my friends understand,
But I’m contemplating
If something is wrong.
And yet, I will
Watch.

The Attack- TW- HEALTH ISSUES-
A poem by Olivia Williams
—————————
That Thursday,
my legs met the floor.
A thump echoed in the elevator—
I couldn’t stand, any longer.
I barely remember.
One moment, I felt like I was going to pass out.
The next—
the floor met my exhausted body,
as my feet succumbed to gravity,
like a rock sinking into deep water.
My arms went limp.
My body went numb.
My brain felt like it was colliding into a wall—
or like someone was banging on it
like a drum.
Like strings were cut,
nerves were severed,
the ones that told my body:
"Work, or you're a coward!"
Everything from my neck down
forgot who was in control.
My body forgot who it was connected to—
it had a mind of its own.
I have reflux
Anemia too
I get attacks frequently
They literally knock me down
So DONT play me for a fool
My fingers felt cold,
turning to frost.
My lips were chapped and dry,
a crevasse so deep,
I couldn’t deny.
I was a ghost slowly lying there—
until a chair came.
Sight slipped away
as I was wheeled the other way.
First blurry—then gone.
My hearing too.
Like a blackout curtain appeared,
and I couldn’t tell who was who.
These voices I recognized—warped,
like they were underwater.
My breath was a battle.
My lungs begged for air,
but it refused to enter.
And the air I had
escaped faster than I could hold it.
Like a hammer on a locked door—
sealed shut—
I couldn’t get out
of the cave I was in.
Water was filling my body.
I lost all sense of time
inside that darkness.
They asked me,
“Stay awake.”
But I wasn’t there.
I couldn’t hear—see—or reply.
All of that
had been stripped from me there.
I entered the office,
heard— the concerned voices,
the mumbles saying:
“You need to take care of yourself.”
“You need to eat.”
“But I throw it all up,” I say.
“So my body makes it to this point.”
The lights were too bright,
filling my grey void.
Then—
everything came back.
I heard my own voice.
Then a voice I recognized entered the room.
She looked at me and asked questions,
but she knew
I couldn’t speak yet.
Because my body felt like
I was swimming through glue.
I was on the edge of fainting,
on the edge of life.
Food and water made a thump beside me.
I fumbled it open—
took one bite,
then another,
and another—
waiting for my body to recharge.
Like a dead battery.
I don’t remember what it was.
It didn’t taste good—
but I didn’t care.
I just ate, and hoped
my body would spare.
I cried,
knowing my body had failed me
in front of everyone.
Not from pain.
There was no scream,
no giant collapse—
just a person
sliding to the ground
in an elevator,
trying to get help
before fading away.
This isn’t weakness.
Or drama.
This is war,
with no warning.
This is fighting
with no rules.
I fight for life every day.
I’m told,
“You don’t have much on your plate.”
But surviving is my chore.
Life is a game.
I played the wrong cards.
I forgot to eat and drink—
because my body forgot to tell me how.
It made me ***** it back.
So this is what I get.
This is surviving
in silence,
day by day,
hour by hour.
This is an attack.

(CONTENT WARNING!!!- BLOOD, VIOLENCE, DEATH, SENSITIVE TOPICS- ONLY FOR MATURE AUDIENCES)

MY BATTLEGROUND
A Poem, By Olivia Williams
Nights draw long.
The clock ticks slow.
So slow, the seconds snap thin like rubber bands.
Each snap feels like a weight of remembrance; eventually, it has started to take a toll.
While each minute drags like forever eternity,
As if eternity is even bothered by the pain.
My heart beats fast,
As visions grow.
The pain inclines.
Then the shadow man comes, and will never seem to go,
Drenched in blood,
Hollow eyes staring everywhere.
The tint of vengeance,
Of revenge,
Of horror.
The night,
His shadow,
Long and stretched,
Like a long blood-filled river,
This fate
That led me
ALMOST TO DEATH.
That night,
The man,
His cold presence
Turning me away,
Metallic smell
And taste
Filling my body,
Making me gag
In fear.
His eyes,
Still blood red,
That chase with a ****** knife,
Coated in others' mess,
Of others, he's ruined.
I think he’s…
Looking for me next,
As he pierces the knife
One by one.
The silence
Envelopes me,
The guilt,
Of chains,
Cold metal against bruised skin,
Clinking, against a solid white-concrete wall,
Locked in all white, nothing left for me to have.
Smell of must and smoke.
Chains of shame,
For trying to speak out but failed.
When I should have kept quiet,
So I'm not a burden,
Even though
I could have survived if I spoke.
I still want to scream,
But I'm caught in a web of…
“I should have spoken.”
“I should have stopped it.”
“I could have fixed this.”
“I could have protected myself.”
“Now I'm hurting the people I love….”
Yet I'm being pulled down by
Each outspoken recommendation,
Like I'm stuck in quicksand
With no escape.
Yet again,
He mocks,
Shames,
Yells,
Blames,
And buckles
Restraints.
I'm stuck
In these chains.
They hold me down…
Too well.
And they rattle and shake,
Bringing not only pain
But a reminder
Of the freedom
Never felt.
The rocks
He heaves
Onto my shoulders.
Never free.
The struggle
Of guilt.
I didn't fight back
When I should have.
Maybe I wouldn't
Have to deal with the
Internal pain now.
The weight,
I fall
As I'm tripped.
I call
In fear,
Thinking I'm about to be hit.
I yell,
Trying to get revenge.
The pain
Had taken control with guilt
Of sharing these thoughts.
“Am I… to blame?”
My friends,
They help
And sometimes
Distract,
But never for long,
As they disappear
On their path.
It's not fair,
I swear,
I fight,
But cry.
I punch,
I will try.
“NO!” he yells
And kicks me away.
I guess I'll never grow my wings and fly away.
I can only dream
Of a gorgeous escape.
The man,
His blood,
That taint
And taste
Will pull me back
To this loop of pain,
From this ****** nightmare.
I'm drowning
In my thoughts,
The whirl
Of a storm brewing,
Out of control.
Pain is like waves
Stabbing into the rocky shore
Where boats of hope crash
And are pummeled apart.
Wooden remains, on a decaying beach
Sand no longer there, trees laying face-down
Past repair.
The voices of survivors echo,
Asking for help,
But the wounds are so deep,
Gashes gaping and flowing,
A deep crimson and rose-red
Fill the once vibrant water.
The blood—
That's so thick,
I never hear their cries,
As their boats sink too,
And their lifeless bodies take the last dive into the waves before smashing into the rocky shore.
And the empty silence fills my mind of memories that I don't want to re-live.
But the blood covering this sea of people—and me,
Is taking control.
My breath feels heavy,
As if water and blood were pulling me down.
The flashbacks,
The fear that wraps and claws further and further to my throat,
Tightening with every vision that comes to light.
Will I ever get out?
I yell,
But all he does is laugh and say,
“NO!!!”
This blood,
The stain,
Both in life,
Forever
Engrained
In my memory,
Like a cracked mirror, broken pieces.
Glass in my feet,
Each shard, each bit
Representing broken hopes and thousands of mistakes I wish I could undo.
Of that fate
I was left
When no one has listened.
I tried to tell them,
But they all denied
The evidence,
Right there.
Especially those bruises.
The pain of laying there,
My own blood
Passing out,
Waking up,
No one caring that I was there,
No one noticing, that I needed help,
And that this has become my life because of this all.
With constant
24/7 battle
Of that knife,
That chase,
My blood,
The screams
Of others he chases.
A mix between THAT day and dream.
My battleground,
My life,
Has become a gruesome fight.
I don't know when the knife man will take me,
But on the battleground,
Trying to protect,
That is where I'll fall.
On the battleground,
For sure,
Is where
If anything,
I've lived through it all.
No matter what,
I will always fall,
But through it all,
I will always breathe.
Even if it's a struggle,
NEVER a relief.
I wish I could defy,
But for now, I will…
Try to fight
For my life
On this battleground,
With blood and mistakes,
That's just open
To take.
But even in the darkness,
That always holds when I'm suffocated
With rooms so dimly lit that just a flicker is left.
That flicker of hope is all that's left to hold everything back,
The darkness claws and grabs
At every chance to reach me, I hold on tight.
Even if so,
I will continue to breathe.
My breath will never stop,
EVER.
And at all.
When I return back,
My mind says “It's all a dream,”
But it happened, I have scars and damage for proof… and I know I'm just getting flashbacks
Because of THAT day, I hope one day I won't have to look the man in his eyes,
But for now… all I can do is… FIGHT.

God- a poem
P2
(NOTE: TOPIC BASED OFF RELIGION)
——————
I’m sick of people telling me that god “Exists”
He’s an idiot for thinking I’d love him
He didn’t save me then
He never gave me a sign
He never ONCE
Said anything
I don’t want to die
That’s not what I’m getting too
I’m getting to the point
That when I was in danger
When I needed god
You weren’t there
You never saw what I did
Nobody understands
I don’t like god
He comes up with all this crap
Just to make people believe
He’s the “Worthy” one
He’s stupid
He’s dumb
He’s an idiot
For thinking
I’ll ever love him enough
People need to wrap there minds around the fact I’ll never accept
Him as any religion
Especially when Ive grilled that Im an atheist
Always
I’ll think this
It’s not just that he didn’t save me
He never came when I was healing
He came up with the stupid “bible”
Just to spread his words
It seems dumb
And it’s all fake
Just to make people love him
I'M AN ATHEIST
AND
I DON'T WANT TO DIE
Someone please understand
The reason why!

GOD-
A POEM

(NOTE: TOPIC BASED OFF RELIGION)

——————
You ruined my life
I called you my savior
You didn’t help me when I needed it
You could’ve saved me but you didn’t
I was hurt
You ignored me
I was crying
You never saved me
You didn’t give me a sign you were there
You never helped me
You left me in despair
I hate you god
You left me on this path to die
You ignored my screams and cries
You left me in the dust
Smoke filling my eyes
Now Im blind to kindness
I almost didn’t survive
I’m not going to heaven
And I don’t care about hell
You are an idiot for thinking you are better than them all
You ruined my life
Yeah
That’s for sure
You ruined my life
You left me for dead
You didn’t save me when I needed you
You hurt me in strife
You never gave me a sign
It’s all your fault
You didn’t give them consequences  
You never gave me revenge
I can’t believe
You left me for dead
It’s all your fault god
Thanks for nothing
You ruined my life
Thanks..
For leaving
Me in strife
Because
I've found myself
Ive build myself back up
When you let them break me down
Now I hate you
So
I don’t thank you
God

The Irony of My Savior
by Olivia

(NOTE: TOPIC BASED OFF RELIGION)

————
They told me
there was a man
who once helped those who were hurt,
who “loved me” more
than anyone on the globe,
who changed life for the “better.”
But those nights spent in bed,
thinking about those nights spent
with others of the faith telling me,
“He heard your cries.”
“He listens to your prayers…”
“…He cleans your mind…”
“…Holds your hands…”
“…And loves you more than the world!”
My lifeline, that was supposed to
“Keep me alive,”
WENT DEAD.
My bruised and battered body
on a hard-tile floor,
blood covering me like how
“Jesus died for us on the cross.”
Going home all covered,
saying everything “was fine,”
going to church over the next month,
showing my pain
in a room full of promises and bandages
that fixed a LITTLE,
but through it all,
He never came.
If I was “chosen,”
if this was my “path,”
my “road,” my “story,”
that I had suffered for a reason,
that everything was on a blueprinted paper
like a plan for my life,
then where was HE to make corrections
when HE SAW HE took it too far
and didn’t do something right?
They all decorate the church with the “holy face”
and Bible verses,
pray that things will turn right,
because it’s easier than admitting
that what He SUPPOSEDLY DID wasn’t right.
They don’t know how to help me.
The doctors can’t either.
I’M NOT doing this for attention.
I used to, because that’s how I got noticed when I was hurt.
YES, I might have taken it too far,
but THAT day will never end.
IT ISN’T A DREAM.
PEOPLE CAN BE THAT CRUEL.
DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME “INSANE.”
They watch me bleed out
while handing empty and broken promises and prayers.
When ALL I NEEDED was someone to notice
when I had DIED that day on that hard tile floor.
I never saw Him, not then, not now.
That’s why I don’t believe HE exists.
I prayed so hard,
in my darkest times,
but He ceased to exist.
I built my own life up
from what was left of my battered, ****** body,
crimson-red blood.
The metallic taste and smell I’ll NEVER forget,
it’s still with me.
But I’ve found my home, found my place.
The irony of my “savior”
was the fact He came for His supposed “people” and “world,”
but He didn’t come for me.
I can cradle my hurt,
but He will never help.
He lost His chance,
and now I’m finding MY OWN
path,
MY OWN
LIFE,
MY OWN
story.
I’M CLAIMING THIS.
IT’S MY LIFE.

Broken Promises — a poem by Olivia
They hand me empty promises and lies
like gauze for wounds that are only slightly recognizable.
“You're a fighter though!” they say,
not realizing how much they’ve hurt me
with their actions and their words.
I slowly decay,
yet they say, “I’ll pray.”
But praying won’t help,
because you put my “cure”
out there like fixing one thing
will heal all the blurred lines
and begs that are yet to be heard.
You can stitch all my scars,
you can place gauze over bullets,
but that doesn’t fix all the outside and inside hurt
that’s tortured me behind more than just caged bars.
You pretend some don’t exist,
thinking changing one thing
can fix the rest.
You mistake my frustrated silence
for invisibility —
as if I don’t exist.
Everyone believes a “cure” or a “small fix”
can relieve some pain.
But the days draw long,
and the pain lives on.
My body is hurting
in more ways than one.
No one is listening
to the full story.
Am I not important enough
to get the help I need —
to literally survive
and keep going?
I feel like a burden
when people truly listen.
They try to help,
they try to “heal,”
but I am too far gone.
I’m the storm
raging in my own body,
leaking small streams
to be “discovered.”
They patch me up,
thinking one change is enough,
until I boil over
and yell, “I'VE HAD ENOUGH.”
When I blow,
I'm told,
“It’s your period,”
or “If you work on your anxiety, it’ll all go away!”
Yet YOU are the one that betrayed me.
YOU make those comments.
YOU think I WANT this?
I want my life back.
I want to live.
I want to exist.
I want to do everything
Everyone else can.
I wish I could eat
the biggest bowl of pasta
with tomatoes right now —
but It hurts.
I wish I could have something carbonated…
BUT IT HURTS.
I WISH I COULD LIVE PAIN FREE,
BUT MY BODY IS BREAKING ME APART.
I FEEL LIKE I'M FALLING WAY TO FAR!!!
I don’t want this life.
Someone, please hear me.
Every time you pretend to listen,
to hear,
you miss the end.
I’ve written it out before.
Your broken promises —
“Everything’s going to get better”
and “You’re a fighter” —
aren’t enough.
I know you’re trying.
But I’m falling apart.
And your broken promises
will never be enough.
I’m a burden.
I understand.
But please listen anyway.
My wounds are deep crevasses
that aren’t fixable
by a band-aid
or some gauze.
Please look at the full picture,
and don’t look at it
like there’s just one cause.
My body is like shattered glass
piercing into my soul.
My mind is a tornado
I can’t hide from.
They hand me prayers
like shredded paper
that’s supposed to “shield the pain,”
but it’s all in vain.
They always admit it’s easier
to patch a crack with a band-aid or gauze
than to fix the gaping holes
that are spewing thoughts,
pain,
shouts,
pleas for help
when no one is listening
to the true pain.
They say words like “strong,” and “fight,”
“Brave,” “Bold,” “persistent,” or a “warrior”
like those are the things
that will make it right.
But they say that
so they don’t have to sit
in the blood, sweat, and tears
of my broken body,
my storm-tossed mind,
the wreck inside me.
Those times in those offices,
while they spew how I should change.
But when I try to put those in play,
It's a grave mistake.
The clock ticks slower,
my mind races fast,
thinking one change of a medication,
one simple diet change,
will help all of these facts.
I won’t stand for people like this.
I want to live like a normal kid.
I want to exist.
I don’t want prayers.
I don’t need sympathy.
I just need help.
Please don’t give me broken promises.
I need more help
than what’s been given.
I’m not a lesson to be taught
on how to appear “fine.”
I’m not your charity case
holding a briefcase of lies.
I am HERE —
bleeding,
breaking,
falling apart.
Are YOU finally listening?
Don’t act like you know how to fix me.
Don’t act “smart.”
Just support me.
Will you be my support buddy?
Can you help me?

MY EVERYTHING
A Poem for Toby.
—————————-
My Everything,
My ray of light,
My beam of sunshine,
My love at first sight.

My baby boy
lays here to rest.
His eyes—sunken—
pain taking him away
from being his best.

Golden fur, fluffy tail,
a smile that lights up the room.
No matter where,
a heart so big—
it ignores all the creatures,
except for bees, which he tries to devour.

My baby boy
used to chase us around.
Never interested in sticks,
but a ball—
is where he shows his favorite tricks.

You have all the cheer
in each little bark.
When we play tag,
you’re always near.
I know how much you’re hurting,
but I’m always here.

Sunlit trails, cloudy night skies,
rainy days, and a fall surprise.
You walk along these woodchip paths,
always loving walks—no matter the path.
A loyal friend,
always by my side.

You bark and guard our house
from “dangers” outside.

Footsteps come,
or a car pulls in.
Your voice yips
and barks—
so proud,
so loud.
So spunky once—so full of life,
a burst of joy, of sunshine, of light—
no hint of strife.

Then cancer came... the tumor too.
It hurt your mind,
and body too.

Your eyes hold gentle rain—sadness—fear,
as you don’t know what’s coming,
and we don’t either.
Your heart beats brave and strong.

My love will last forever,
even when you move on.
I hold your paw,
I hold your head,
to try to take the weight off
from your shoulders.
When you so tired,
And ready for bed.

Each day is a gift,
a chance to love, laugh, and lift.
I thank you for every smile—
you’ve made my life better, so worthwhile.
So rest now, my dear baby boy.
In every breath,
Love is what we give.

Illness might dim the light behind your eyes.
You might be hurting,
not ready for the next surprise.
But you are forever—
My duty is to love.


Toby, I love you to infinity and beyond.
You, my everything.
May–when you go,
Fly pain-free like a dove.

The Sunshine Stingray
——————————-
A shimmer of glitter,
in the clawing waves of the sea.
A jewel of light,
a candle of hope,
stingray’s grace
letting me be me.
Birds take flight
above the deep, dark waves,
hiding secrets underneath —
betrayals and caves.
I used to get trapped.
Lungs burned,
feeling like fire colliding into my ribs.
Legs flailing,
giving up when I had nothing left.
Water up my nose, in my mouth —
choking, pleading for help.
I couldn’t swim.
I was tossed and toppled
into the bruised sea,
dragged underneath
like someone was pulling down on me.
The sky was so dark,
like a brewing storm.
I had prayed for light
that never came.
But now I’m leaving my mark
on the golden — in my stingray.
Beneath a new dawn, a glow lights above.
The bruised and battered sea— fights,
tossing me off course,
so far.
I felt like I was flying
out of a speeding car.
My wings spread wide —
golden glitter over pale skin,
covering fading gashes
like a tarp.
Trying to stitch light into the wound,
trying to patch up my past
with shimmer and silence.
Even though I know
I didn’t earn it —
because I didn’t fight back.
Still, the warmth of the cloudy sky
and the new sun
offer a kind of mercy.
Night meets day.
The fire is no longer ablaze.
The sky is a glass mirror
beneath a veil of shaded fog.
The clouds hide only a little of the sun.
I dive down deep.
I’m not afraid anymore.
I know I’m loved —
I’m strong.
I can fight through life,
evermore.
Corals play and dance
around the sea,
like lanterns swinging
in a breeze.
The sun finally opens
for all to see.
The fish come out —
not scared, they don’t flee.
The colors of the coral
light up and ripple
through the fading darkness
of the sea.
There’s peace at last.
Land ahead —
reefs open up,
ships rise to full mast.
The aftermath
is broken and ******,
but scars slowly heal,
one step at a time.
Day by day,
the stingray glows
brighter than the start
on our new starry night.
The sun leaves the softest ray.
A candle still burns.
I’m rebuilding my life,
hugging with the ocean —
a true embrace.
I’ve left most behind,
leaving hurt without a trace.
Day turns to night.
The world falls silent.
Waves lick the sandy shores.
Seagulls go hushed
as they fly back home.
The deep, battered, bruised
fades into space — and time.
Now meant to be left behind —
crevasses of empty holes
that never healed.
Empty words and prayers,
never answered,
now lay strewn… sealed.
My stingray glows
through its pain,
its shame
for not being who it is,
for not being brave.
“It’s okay to be afraid,”
people say —
but what they don’t realize
is the world is eating fear.
So I’ve learned to steer clear.
My light now shines.
So does my ray.
The storm and sea now fade
into what life is — into infinity.
A sunshine grows
as the cloudy sky subsides,
and I’m slowly becoming brave enough…
to be myself — and try.
My ray is new.
Glitter is what it holds.
And holding onto more,
underneath it all —
is hope.
“What is the sunshine stingray?”
you may ask?
Well… it’s me.
Starting life over,
day by day,
night by night.
Pain, bruises, storms —
I just wait for them to subside.
I try my best
when that’s what’s asked.
I put forth my effort,
to love myself during my worst,
and learn from my mistakes.
I’m human.
So when you see that shimmer,
when you see a sunset or sunrise,
or a stingray gliding below —
a survivor is moving free
from chains
that once held it taunt.
I will try to live,
in the life,
of the sunshine stingray —
and hold onto hope,
no matter the days.
I’m reborn,
alive,
glowing,
grounded,
Free,
My life.
My sunshine.
My stingray.

The Sea That Sparkles
A poem
——————————————-

Sunlight spills like melting gold
Pouring down on velvet-like sand
Running through my fingers
Sifting through my skin

Each shell
Brushes along the sandy shore
The waves licking the surface
Like little puppy dog kisses
showering the sea

The lighthouse shines on the glittered sand
just right
And the birds whisper
As they fly

Above the watercolor of sea
Tints of all colors  
Open into a valley of water
Full of life swimming bout
The sheltered coral
Drifting to stay upright the in shy waves

The sun
Like gold jewels
Of a gorgeous dream
The clouds of new themes arise from the
Crystal sky
Cotton candy clouds
Fill in a small space

Distant murmurs of
Tides steady tune
A salty-sweet tang mix
Fills the ocean air
A faint scent of seaweed, and flowers
Scatter the sea side  

tiny ***** scurry around the sand
Forming little shadows
And hiding in the crevasses
Of watered down rocks
Foams lace the water
Like fabric scattered
After a storm

Light bends around the horizon
Filling the sky like glitter
where the sky meets the sea
The little things that sparkle
Is the beach
And I let it consume me
It’s always my dream
It’s who I am
The little things that sparkle
Shows me
The sea

I am NOT my old self
A poem- By: Olivia Williams
——————

You still blabber on,
as if I haven’t changed yet.
You’ve bended the way I've grown  
You’ve put out my steady fire—
my true flame—
When I fought to make that new one,
In the first place.  

You think I haven’t mended
You think I won’t have “bad” days
You think I’m still following all the demands,
That old cycle,
The betrays,  
And my old ways.
Down the worn-soaked path of love and hate.


I am fighting for independence,
I am fighting to be free,
Sure, I've made mistakes!
BUT that SHOULD NOT define me.

I am strong enough,
I am loved enough,
I am brave enough,
I am outspoken,
I am ME.
mistakes shouldn’t be the “NEW” me.
I shouldn’t have to mend,
To be the daughter,
You wish I could be.

I'm admitting to my past.
I've made lots of mistakes,
I’ve had to learn the hard way,
I accept my consequences.
I am old enough to recognize,
That I'm being hurt,
And I should be stronger than that,

It’s funny how you remember the worst,
When I’ve already changed.
It’s funny how you can recount,
ALL my mistakes.
It’s funny how you pretend it still affects you,
It was many years ago.
Or how it might have been a month ago,
But you won’t let it go.
You pretend my worst is all I am,
Like I’m just a pessimistic kid.

you still haven’t seen,
All parts of me.
I'm MUCH more than that,
I still keep secrets,
The good-kind at least.
Like the birthday surprises,
Or some of my beliefs.

Believe what you want,
Replay what comforts you,
When you fall asleep at night.
DON'T expect to see the girl you think of,
Because I've been more than ”changed”.

I’ve outgrown my old skin
Reshaped my life
Like a mold
I’ve risen above the stars
When you look up
You won’t see one tiny star
You’ll see a galaxy of light

I’m NOT my old self
And you should know that now
I want to be better
So..come..join me now.

Preview -
OF “CEREMONY OF COLORS”
- THE SHORT STORY-
— — — —

In this town each person has a color that means what rank or position they are in society. They get their color when they turn ten,but one family has an unknown gene discovered after an accident that created a baby born with a unique color. How will they be treated?How will they ever fit in? Who will they become? And what place are they truly..in society.
——————————
“COME ON, EVERYONE LET'S GET TOGETHER BEFORE THE CEREMONY OF COLORS!!!” Jack yells

“COMING” yelled the group in unison

“Trinity are you…ok?”

“Yeah…just a bit nervous.”

“You know you don’t have to be, you’ll be yellow! I’m sure!

“Really…you think!?”

“Of course! Now! Come on, we're going to be late!”

She smiled as she watched him sprint away from her as he yelled to Mark.

“EVERYONE PLEASE QUIET DOWN, THE CEREMONY WILL START NOW!”

Everyone hushed and the auditorium creaking was the only sound, an eerie one at that.

“WELCOME to the ceremony of colors!”
(Clapping consumed the auditorium then quieted, as if practiced)

“First we will call your number on your black t-shirt and you will come up to be scanned!”

“Alicia Robens, number 1!”
“Jack Macalom, number 2!”
“Mark jackson, number 3”
“Hannah Kendrick, number 4!”
“Greg tanker, number 5!”
“Frida Carlson, number 6!”
“Esten brand, number 7!”
“Danika Jenkins, number 8!”
“Penny render, number 9!”
“ Anderson king, number 10!”
“Wesley Ansikten, number 11!”
“Zing fredmend, number 12!”
“And lastly…..”
“Trinity sandman, number 13!”
All thirteen of you have reached the age of ten and are now ready to receive your colors. I now invite ONE parent from each child to come up to grab the scanner to do the honors of revealing their place in society, their color, and their job in our town of…. Malloryville!”

Each parent stepped up, grabbed the scanner and positioned themselves in front of their child.

“NOW, WHEN I SAY “GO”, YOU WILL SCAN YOUR CHILD WHEN I CALL THE NUMBER AND THE AUDITORIUM WILL GLOW THE COLOR THEY GOT AND SO WILL THEY I WILL IST RULES OF COLOR THEN WE WILL COMMENCE.

RED-DOCTOR- BRAVE BUT KIND
ORANGE- FIREFIGHTER- BRAVE
YELLOW-GARDNER- GENTLE AND KIND
GREEN- CARETAKER/TEACHER- CALM AND RULE BOUND
BLUE-POLICE OFFICER/GUARD- LEADER AND DETERMINED
AND PURPLE- HOUSE BUILDER- STRONG AND BRAVE

“NUMBER 1!” (Turns yellow)
“Number 2!” (Turns green)
“Number 3!” (Turns blue)
“Number 4!” ( turns Orange)
“Number 5!” ( turns purple)
“Number 6!” (Turns red)
“Number 7!” (Turns blue)
“Number 8!” (Turns red)
“Number 9!” (Turns yellow)
“Number 10!” (Turns purple)
“Number 11!” (Turns orange)
“Number 12!” (Turns green)
“Lastly! Number 13!” (Turnsssss.. GOLD!!!…”
“***!”
Everyone goes quiet in shock
Many run out of the auditorium
“IT'S TRUE!…YOUR…YOU’R.”

I remember…
———————-
I remember your slobbery kisses,
That covered my face.
I remember your hugs,
To which you spared no grace.
I remember your eyes,
So full of life,
And your smile,
That even with bad breath,
Would light up my world.
I remember your tail,
That would swing,
With joy at every little word.
And how you’d tilt your head,
Whenever we said something you loved.
The word “treat” would bring joy in your eyes,
And your legs became spunky,
As you bolted to the cabinet,
Or when you chased your favorite toy.
Your ears would jump,
As you were to catch your ball,
While you sprinted to chase it,
And prevent it from escaping to the woods.
I love you Toby,
I’ll always remember,
I know you don’t have long.
No matter what,
I love you always,
And I always have.
With everything that happens,
No matter how vocal or mad you are,
I’ll love you forever Toby.
Past infinity.
Past and past,
So very far.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND
——————-
-for Toby-
Busy days,
Long nights,
Laughing at your high-pitched barks,
At all your funny quirks,
Or the way you give me that one side-eye.
You are my star,
You are my shine,
You are, and will always be,
Mine.
You aren't just a "dog,"
You aren't just tail, paws, and fur.
You are the toothy smile,
You are the light like the stars
When the nights were long.
How you chase the tennis ball,
How you bark when the mail-people come along,
How you eat everything in sight,
How you give the best kisses,
How you endure the belly rubs each night.
Or finally, how you chase Mom and Dad around,
But never win the fight.


You've been cast as a star,
Because you're my shining light.
You, my baby boy —
I will always love you,
No matter the time of day or night.
Before bed,
Our daily ritual repeats —
And will forever live in my head.
Even when you growl, when your having a rough day,
I'll always be here, if you ever need a hug.
Your heart hums my favorite song,
And plays in my mind
When the days seem long.
You rest now,
Body weak,
Your cancer growing,
The throwing up
Never seems to deplete.
Your love wraps each of us in.
My baby boy,
Getting sick now —
I'll be with you till the end.
I have you in one necklace,
And in my memory,
And in my photos —
But life won't be the same
Without you to hold onto.
Your bark remains the same,
So does your smile,
But I can tell you're getting worse,
Because your love sometimes doesn't go the full mile.
"To infinity," we always say.
"And beyond," is always said —
No matter if it's during the day,
Or near bed, when everyone retreats.
“Love” is a word we use a lot, it depends on how it's used. But in this case it means a WHOLE LOT MORE than “alot”
It's a tradition
That will always live on —
Like your perfect face,
Your bark,
Your paws will.
Forever.
No matter what.
To infinity,
And beyond.

Disguise- TW
A Poem by Olivia Williams
———-
I wear this mask,
It's my disguise,
It's my so-called "true person,"
But I have a secret—
It's hiding who I am.
I play on my smile,
Laugh around others.
When I'm asked to do something,
I have to gather myself together,
To put on the mask,
Heave a sigh,
Put on a smile,
And pretend I'm alright.
That day,
School dragged like chains,
And I lost my belief in whether the world was kind.
I was taught I'm worthless,
That my “type of people” didn’t belong.
So now, with my mask, I hide it all.
Afraid to trust anyone and everyone.
I do what I'm told,
I rarely falter,
Because when I do,
I feel like a disappointment.
Afterward,
I don't want people to see that I can't do it,
Because of how I gave up trying that day.
I over-explain every detail,
Because I had to do that to survive.
From what feels like not too long ago,
This mask hides me
And my personality,
Because I don't want to let it loose.
Only people I trust see the real me,
And even they
Don't see it all.
I have two sides,
Both are semi-hidden.
You only get to know
Half of each.
Once I can trust you,
You'll know both full versions of me.
I can be mean,
I can be rude,
I can be an "angel,"
Or sweet, or "look cute,"
But I can turn in a second
And snap right back.
If you push my buttons,
You'll find it out—
Exact.
I'm torn between both sides,
Of sticking up and speaking out for myself,
But I fear I will be rejected and pushed past my point,
And then I will be hurt more,
Physically and mentally,
Then I was before.
What if they don’t like the full version?
What if they don’t like the “real me”?
What if they push me, I fall,
They laugh,
And use me for their own greed?
If I show them my broken side,
Then they notice I need help,
But if I unleash everything,
Then I’m hurting them and myself.
I’m afraid to lose the people I’ve gathered,
Because they love me for who I am now.
But I can’t help but think,
“Will they after?”
I don’t think I will ever be able
To take off a FULL mask,
Because they will always want the “other side” as well.
And I don’t want my other person in me
To go too far and start to tell.
It gets exhausting keeping to half a side,
Not being on one full or both at the same time.
Each day gets heavier,
These chains weigh me down.
Keeping up both hidden sides,
Keeping up this lie,
The longer the sides dig deep inside,
The more I lose each portion,
Forever lost inside.
I hate keeping up
With certain places’ requirements.
I want to break the rules,
So they can learn
There are others out there.
Don’t you dare mess with me,
I’ve seen my share.
With this mask I hide in,
I see the inner secrets no one
Wants me to share.
I know everything,
And if you
So much as flinch and mess with me or my crowd,
You’ll see my other side of the mask,
And then
You won’t be so proud.
I’m sick of letting people push me in,
So now I’m pushing back,
And I’m not afraid to get in.
I hope you recognize
That I have other sides.
Most of my family
Doesn't know even one full side,
But I try to be the "perfect person,"
Because I can't take criticism.
I’ll just shut down.
That’s how I defended myself
When I couldn’t then.
I still can't know
I’m told to
“Be more,” “do more,”
“Be more like this.”
I try and try,
I’m so tired and worn.
I cry and fight
To be who I’m not,
Because I never feel right.
But now,
I’m hiding my mask,
Stronger than ever,
Waiting to unleash it
To those who push me.
I hid who I am,
My beliefs,
My identity,
What I like,
And what I don’t.
I act different per each person—
What side of me do you know?
But when I have on my disguises,
Which one don’t you know?

A Book Reminds Me…
A poem by: Olivia Williams
—-----------------------------

A book reminds me
I am alive
A book reminds me
I am loved
A book reminds me
I am seen
As well as heard
A book reminds me
Of worlds out there
That transcend
What is seen
A book reminds me
I can do anything
Until infinity
A book reminds me
About my past
That other people adventured  
Through the same things i have had too  
A book reminds me
Im me
Through strife
Through grief
Through love
And peace
It reminds me
Im human
I make mistakes
Some that can't
Be thought
About over again
A book reminds me
There's people out there
Who have seen worse
But it also reminds me
That my experiences
Are one in a million
But does not defeat
The pain that was caused
A book reminds me
i'm here
I'm alive
Im healthy
Im safe
A book reminds me
Of so much more
Because a book holds memories
Of pasts before
Were all different
With our
Bodies, minds, hearts, experiences, and souls
Mine is just another one
That is eagerly waiting
To be foretold

Yellow
a poem — by Olivia Williams
TW
———————
A trembling yellow rose,
fighting away pain from the past
Those who made fun,
Didn’t think she would last.

so bright,
so bold.
Despite bruises that go unknown,
Its petals are so soft, like silk — frayed and torn,
but itching to unfold.
Painted in yellow,
stories of the world,
yet to be told.
The color serenades a hopeful- eager tune,
of one where life
hasn't gone so wrong.


This quiet melody slowly swells like the tide
among these bruised valleys,
even echos dare not to make a peep
the melodies of laughter
For those who fueled pain
fill the silence,
piercing through– like glass to skin.
The color,
is pale, illuminating light.
that shines into a
sad, dark room.
casting pale sunlit patterns on my walls.

The color brings flowers-
happiness, and love—hour by hour.
Still this ticking clock… never-ever stops
How much can my body take?
before my internal clock shatters like glass,
After being hit by lightning on a rainy day?
Fragile glass shattered in fury, and pain
What happens then? Do I lose not only my time but my color?

Time.
Time by time,
again and again,
I stare out into the vast void,
stars scattered in a hazy night sky —
so full of life,
yet I'm haunted by that day
that I didn't fight.
I feel trapped
In a place I called safe
yet the world
has been so cruel.
It tore that to shreds,
Like paper ripped in half.


A building storm
Hail-force winds, black sky
lightning rumbles and thunder clatters
Tornado raging through
Belongings ripped out
My hope, strength, love, all spread about
That then get worse
It’s running this same course  
The storm ravages around, scouring the area on the prowl
like a tiger looking for a meal —
but I'm left for dead,
for this tiger
to take me away.
And I’m next.


The clouds cover these bruises with their own.
Deep crimson red and pig pink, illuminate the shattered ocean.
Of falling happy memories.
Rain lashing and bursting into the ground-like a hammer bursting into concrete.
thunder's roar stomps and shakes like the roar of an oncoming train.
I reach out—fingers grasping,
clawing at the rain-soaked dirt,
as I fall down the peak of the jagged torn cliff into the bubbling and boiling water.
This has stolen that yellow spark,
that joy, that happiness— fleeing like a criminal escaping away in the fog-filled night sky.
I try and try
to be my best.

Their words still sting like knives,
each digging and plunging into my back
as they further stack stones
’til I'm about to collapse.

This buried treasure.
underneath gravelly, torn mountains.
Bruised and battered, deep blues, purples and greens run together and fade into a dark shadowed nightmare where pain and images dance with cruel intent.
I have sure had my share of pain
I am a canvas of scars
Internal fire,
External gauges.
They didn’t ask if I could be “claimed”
I was forced to fit into their mold.
So I could survive those years,
That pain remained bold.


I'm not even sure my candle will last.
My color, it shines, it flickers on —
sometimes less than the rest,
but it will forever live on
in my heart of gold.


The sky is as blue as the sea.
The wind brushing my,
light brown hair,
against my face.
pale brown eyes scan the sea,
of the graveyard of those,
Who carved scars until I collapsed.
Like signatures etched into my spine.
all adrift among the bubbling sea
like splintered—discarded driftwood
from a dismantled ship.
From which I thought was home
They wail, plead, and call,
but I ignore their cries-
Tangled within sea foam,
And broken lies.
like they once did
when I was sinking
Underneath a horrid storm.

I stand on this ship,
Made from survivors like me.
Looking out into the sea,  
Hoping that one good person survived,
But all of them betrayed and hurt me.

I walk around this ruined ship,  
Wooden frame- weathered and cracked.
Broken glass and bottles cover the claustrophobic halls,
Planks of this wood are warped from time and pain.
Engraved is the blood of guilt and shame.
I hear them call- “PLEASE HELP, WE‘RE SORRY! ”
but they stole my trust the way they’d steal from the mall.
The sails hang in shreds of fabric, torn by storms of fear,
Open crevasses lead below deck,
Filled with rain, blood, glass, and a permanent echo of “what’s next?”
The hull groans and mumbles under the weight of the pain,
Of the shame— for not standing up straighter, than it thought it could handle.
The ship had finally crumpled, under the weight of the “betrayed” they were carrying.

I step off this ghost ship,
And run away from the cries and blood-curdling screams.
I’m not rescuing someone who pleaded and caused me to start drowning.
And I push on, so I can be who I want to be.

I will stand up,
let my rose unfold.
My petals will open
to a day of promise.
I just need time to gather,
to find a day where breathing,
Feels like a flower blooming on a spring day.
That glitter inside me —
the gold, dust, hope, and fire
Come together.
Rising within me
Trying to find power
Bursting through concrete
Like an earthquake does
So strong,
it unlocks the inside of the earth,
like a key.

The cold of pain had passed.
The sun will rise now.
I stand on this ship,
A new one called “hope”
New sails, new wood, new life, my future is still unknown,
on this very bow I stand, tall and strong.
And if I may,
I will let myself be brave,
be loved
be myself,
be unique,
be me.


This ship will lead me home.
The lighthouse beyond this sea.
full of those who remember,
—care about my name,
waiting to welcome home,
not who they thought I was
But the raw-real-new me.

Months slip by
And brush the sandy shore
The rocks have slowly faded
Leaving only a few more.
recovery blooms.
And I start to catch my breath
Knowing that pain will come
But I have to take care of myself
And I know I can.
Each new month shapes my fate.
I have a new rose, golden and yellow,
Fighting for life.
Frayed petals now healing,
From my past fate.
I will fight now like the flower,
Like the color in one.
Always- forever,
I will let myself be that flower- that sun.

I’ll fight the pull of happiness and pain
I’ll push against the days, where the pain is beckoning
I stand strong
I speak up
I will fight the ghosts,
the dreams.
my life.
And who I want to be.
I want to unfold my shadow
Stand in the sun.

I will love myself,
To infinity.
Even if that means,
I fall for a short time.
I am stronger than they all say.
I will always fight, here in healing is where I lay,
It is, and will always be,
a Yellow
kind of Day.