How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.

I've won but at what cost
I've healed but who is lost
I stand strong on this mountain
Only to realize it is one made of bones

I've fought so hard
Cried and bled
One blink
And it all comes back
Blood in the sink
Little fractures and massive cracks

Then I look in your eyes
My little goddess
My parallel and gravity
And I realize that although
The bones are of friend and foe
I can't change any of it
Wouldn't change any of it

For now I will continue
Because of you and for you.

I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

They say I need to move on
Say I can't see the ghost of you
Yet I don't even have that
Memories that don't exist suddenly
Photographs burned out of spite

I look in the rear view and
Don't even have the ghost of you?

I'd love to meet you halfway,
I just don't think today is the day,
Wrap yourself around me,
Let whatever this is be.

Reflections of souls beneath the moon's glare,  
A cruel embrace leaves scars I must bear,
The fire of my past now a flickering flame,  
Faded photographs whispering names I don't claim.  

Crimson skies bleed with my forgotten cries,  
The weight of the past like a shroud that denies,
Chained to the moments that scream in vain,  
Like a tornado in my heart, driving me insane.

As the hourglass shatters, and time slips away,  
I embrace the blame, a small price to pay,  
In a labyrinth of memories, I search for the light,  
But every step forward pulls me farther into the night.  

In the mistakes of yesterday, where the sunlight fades,  
Disbelief in my veins and loathing that invades,
Acceptance deep in my soul,  
Hate entangles, a noose on a pole.

In the silence of dawn, I find peace in decay,  
As I stand on the edge, I'm letting the shadows stay,
I am the echo that I want to erase,
In my heavy heart may I find my place.

Knowing it hurts but staying close to the flame
My eyes continue to bleed
Little red teardrops
Hurting myself the same way
I put on disguises
Just to watch myself suffer
The mirror is just the devil
And I don't know where I am right now
I never change myself
Maybe I'm the problem.

Let me tell you a story
Spin you a tale
It's just you and me
And my cigarette

That I wouldn't make it out alive
Make it to twenty five
Cause all I think about is hitting death row
Killing somebody with a knife
Or put that gun to my head and let it blow
Brain matter on the wall
Splatter and that's all
I have homicidal thoughts
Just dispatch somebody so quick
Who knew death could be bought
Let em ******* pain, just a lick
I guess I'm messed up
I guess I'm sick
I don't know what cause this
I don't know why this is in my head
And all the tears I shed
All I want in my face is lead
Elevating, delegating, and debating
Out of myself, leaving instructions, and deciding if I want to do this
But there wasn't any doubt
Cause all I want from this life is out
And yet I'm still here
But I still killed myself last year

Some find their sanity
On the edge of a blade
Some find it in an ocean
And they just calmly wade

Some lose their sanity
All because of love
Some find it in the air
Sight of flowers or a dove

Some simply never had
Some pretend to always have

Haven't been myself for a while now
In my head
Can't complain cause I've been here

Haven't been yourself for a while now
In your head
Still complain cause you don't hear

I can't look you in the eyes
For you have sewed mine
"Is it really different?"
Love is blind.

I haven't seen light in so long
I don't even know what is wrong
"Is it just you and me?"
Maybe in my mind.

And for the first time
I opened my eyes
Feeling the yarn rip
Only to find

You. Aren't. Here.

Please strike me down
Wearing that ******* crown
Sitting on a chair of bones
You watched me rot
Deep inside
I bathe in gasoline so please
Throw the match
Start denying me
I'd love to watch you scream
You cannot judge
Watch me swing from the rope
Been dead for a while now
Let me hang
Spread my hands wishing
To be a martyr
But I'll never be remembered for that
Just a mistake in your past

Holding my little boy
I want to be everything
I want to be anything
He will ever need
He will ever want
I want to break the cycle
That I grew to know
That I knew was okay
I know better now
That what my parents were
Was not what my boy will get
I will not forget
And I do not regret
The ways I was raised
I will be better
And I stuck it in this poem
That is more of a letter.