It’s like that first time you smoke a cigarette with your friends-
a little gross, but you feel so cool.

Or the first time you flash your
I.D. at the bar,
not knowing what to order, but loving the freedom to choose.

When you’re gripping the steering wheel so tight your knuckles turn white,
finally feeling tires touch concrete that isn’t a parking lot.

Decorating that ****** apartment,
paying the first month’s rent-
broke, yet so **** proud.

Holding your diploma in
trembling hands,
a piece of paper most people get,
but this one has your name on it.

That first day everything clicks at work,
a shift so smooth it’s forgotten on the rough days that follow.

That first kiss under the stars,
dopamine shockwaves flooding
every nerve-
you’ll stay up for days on the memory.

Even the devastating realization
that nothing lasts forever,
laying in bed as rain beats
against your window,
music reverberating through a hollow chest.

A talk with my sister, and something feels right,
She listens so calmly, she softens my night.
She saw all the bruises that covered my skin,
And says she won’t watch me go through that again.

She tells me I’m worthy of peace
and of rest,
That being myself doesn't make me a jest.
No more pretending, stop shrinking to fit-
It's not worth losing love to please others, is it?

And those who don’t like it? Well, let them all go,
She’ll stand right beside me through my highs and lows.
She says I am loved without mask or disguise,
And I realize I could've just been me this whole time.
I don't have to carry, I can ask for assistance without fear of being mocked or met with resistance.

It’s small things that mean nothing
But say everything to me,
Because everything has a reason-
A meaning I just have to see.

I can’t let things be as they are,
No, nothing’s a simple coincidence.
You linger in my atmosphere;
Surely, that’s not an accident.

But why?
And what does it mean?
I’m presented with puzzles
But not all pieces are seen.

I wish I had never looked,
My thoughts no longer free,
Now my conscience is booked,
Chained to what it perceives.

I just can’t help myself,
I just had to know,
Now I’m drowning in questions-
When I should be letting it go.