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Felix Jul 2020
On the train and a woman stops me
I read her face
Poorly, I admit

Asks me something
In a language I couldn’t hear
Told her I didn’t know
Through my mask,
I must seem insincere

She spoke some more
In hopes of translations  
Be made clear
No I said
I don’t think we have
the same idea

She takes her mask off
The surgical protege
Falls to the ground
As if exposing her story
Unravelled, naked and austere

Asks me the same question
For a third time
Words seem different when spoken
By someone that’s near

I snap the ribbon from the back of my ear
The look on this woman’s face
I must be the first face she’s seen in days
Felix Jul 2020
Dawn to dusk
I long for you
I split the atoms
I reap the sows

Candidly I vow
To let bygones be blanket stars
And caterpillars be free from ground
Have mercy but show none

I zip the blues
Mark the notes
Discontent
Felt deeply in my bones

To be free is one thing to behold
To cauterize wounds of ancient toils
Look on lovers as a child looks for toys
Never content
Always on the prowl

But I digress
From dawn to dusk
Or twilight to starlight
From eyes as watered as a full blown moon

I digress from past mischiefs
Mistakes and abhorrent veils
That mask my face
Clouded
Older
Preserved for two

Soon we’ll be better
Braver than the beaches of ‘44
Glee and gloom will be ours to own
From dawn to dusk
In body and soul
Felix Jul 2020
A-Z
Anguish
To torment the soul

Belief
To be unbroken

Calmness
To wish you had

Death
Relief for the dead, grief for the living

Expensive
(Not) desirable

Father
Understanding, notwithstanding  

Guess
To try poorly and fail willingly

Hope
To give others, never yourself

Idiot
To feel ordinary

Joke
To share a friend

Keep
Borrow*

Love
To learn a language for someone

Mother
To repair mistakes

Neglect
To look back at a naked childhood

Opinion
To forget what you used to think

Poetry
To read but never to be spoken

Quarantine
To run the streets

Regret
To forgive but not forget

Stop
To through everything

Truth
To rarely speak, to never hear

Used
To be cast aside for another body

Video
To look but not see again

Whatever
To toast to life and it’s toils

Xo
To send kisses that have no meaning

You
The one that got away

Zero
To begin and end life in the same way
Å-Ä-Ö
Felix Jul 2020
What’s a dream?
If it’s never fulfilled
What’s a heart
If it’s not
beating in rhythm with someone else?

What’s a flower?
If it’s bought as a fake
What’s a life to a father
Who didn’t
see his son finish fourth grade?

What’s a fire?
If it’s started by me
Is it real enough to feel?
Is it real enough to feel?

What’s a ring?
If it’s worn by someone else
What’s a promise if it’s made by two
people who know they can’t honour it?

What’s a car?
If it never starts again
What’s my blood
If it only appears
when I choose to hurt myself?

What’s a ****-up?
If you pretended and put on a show
Just so they could see through you
Just to let them know you were human
Too

What’s a name?
If it’s always misspelled
And the letters don’t fit the head
And the person just writes it himself

What’s one suicide?
Compared to all others
Do they all end up as numbers?
Why did they all have to suffer?

What’s a thing?
That you wish you had
Would it truly make you better?
Would it help you feed the streets?
Would it help you save a kid?
Would it truly make a difference
For others?
Felix Jul 2020
Are your eyes the same as mine?
Is your skin as soft as I feel?
Is your heart
where I guess it to be?

Are your feet turned to me?
Has Cupid pierced us to be?
Is it love
even if it has been stained?

Will you be mine for keeps?
Will you be here to stay?
Will you fill the void I dig?

Will you try as I’ve tried?
Will you see me as I’ve been?
Will you fight for a future
With me?

Can you do,
even with someone like me?
Would you go to the past
To find a future with me?
Felix Jul 2020
Whispered names
Have been the same
Lovers forgotten
Scars retained

I long and look
I bleed and die
Why oh why
Is the search so ******?

I find and quit
I guess and turn
Body after body
Altered and strange

No bodies felt the same
No bodies could compete
Nobody to call mine
No heart to hold dear

My tears of dust
Wired and frail
Why oh why
Do they make their presence clear?

Find another
Perhaps the right
Telling is easy
Time knows why

Found you
I claim

So I bite the spark
That lit the world
Caressing your hair

Now knowing
that nothing would be the same
Felix Jul 2020
I declare myself free of hope
I’ve given up on love
And left the love letters
To be written for others
But not for me.

I’m not what I want to be
I chase a distant future self
Really just deteriorating
Not living today
Regretting yesterday
for tomorrow’s sake.

Verily I accept my fate
With each passing night
the blame and sadness call on me
Like an old friend
with wedding invitations
to old familiar ways.

I accept
the gloom
the heartache
the melancholic substitute for meaning
the same dark and hopeless gift.

Such offerings are not given to anyone
Surely they must be attached forever?
Like a cancer that never truly departs
The sadness of the heart
Leaves little worthwhile elsewhere.
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