I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

Last night I dreamed I was somebody else.
Me inside another body.
A teen with another kind of life.
And I’m 30 actually.
This girl was still at school.
Had arranged to meet up with a friend that night.
Had a lot of fake black leg tattoos who would come off from a couple of washes.
I’m just curious about this seeming so normal, not remembering my actual life.
Only somewhere hidden in the back.
I knew myself.
But not everything from this life.
My actual one right now.
Is it worth it to go through all of this pain if I don’t remember?
Why am I learning, I know I’m growing but in my dreams I’m back to the base.
The developments are less present.
They do have an influence I suppose but the core is just plain me inside.
Without knowing, remembering everything.
Will I remember what I learned?
I must keep the growth, can I exist with it?
For the the collective.
Still being me.

You are my only home.
My only comfort.
My closet where I can safely keep my needs.
Where it’s not all lying around.
Like it’s still a chaos inside my head.
Like I still don’t know where to put my things.
Like I still can’t block out all of the sounds that are still blaring.
It’s not there or on the background when you’re around.
And when it hurts still to be here, with you or alone you try to make it better.
You don’t even know the difference you make I guess.
I would have given up already if you weren’t my home at last.

This world hasn’t been made for people like me to relax.
The music from the neighbors hurts my muscles and my neck.
My head and back.
I want to run.
There’s no escape.
Death is so happy but so scary.
I’m scary too think the people that are looking at me outside.
And I want to feel happy.
Running free.
Just like the storm that I was crying in last Wednesday.
I came out with dark lines around my eyes.
Slowly I crawled back up into your arms which are always ready.
Therefore I’m lucky.

Only in knowing this is temporary is where can find some peace.
I can’t live here well at all even though you are here with me.
You and I try so hard to make it right.
But it’s not.
And yet we try and sometimes it’s just fine.
Or even better.
But throughout the days and nights it’s battling without comfort.
And you try to share the comfort inside you.
And I see where I can change things.
From when I was born it’s only gotten worse.
And now I’m here.
Where you accept me while I’ve never accepted life.
I didn’t come out, I almost died as an infant.
This life was more than one, more than two in my mind.
It was never right.
And now it somehow should be while I’m still me.
And you know this all so well.
Even better than me.
You understand.
Yet you hold me.
Don’t let go, it’s a miracle.

You deserve a fighter.
For all that you give.
I know I am one.
You and I, we give what we can.
Some days I’m too weak to do much at all.
Survival is even a task that seems too much to ask.
Other days I got enough strength left to build something new, alone or together.
With you.
But you are the reason I’m still standing.
Or crawling if I have to, bursting from pain.
Pain that never goes away.
It runs through my family and me.
We can all only do our best.
You were made to be a hero.
I was made to fight a never ending war.
It only teaches lessons, makes us understand things.
Makes us see every side.
Every side there is to life and hopefully we’ll use it.
The growth and knowledge.
We know what it is like to fight, you and I.
Now you’re in my war.
A respectable soldier,
a clever brave fighter.
My reason to keep going.
There’s still a mission.
I’m crying cause I can’t escape.
We drag each other through the mud.
Just to come out alive, just to watch the war continue.
With the music playing.

I don’t want to leave the world better like Sia.
I want to leave it forever.
I don’t want my life to matter.
I learned so much but in this world it has no purpose.

It keeps on hurting me without enough breaks.
It has no right to want anything from me or anybody no more.

Great pain for a lifetime that feels like it’s never ending.
All I can do is trying to give that pain the least amount of power.
But it’s still a torturing nightmare.
And I can’t escape it.

Only people that are amazing and music makes everything better.
But I can’t live.
It brings peace to know that one day this will all just be a dream that I can wake up from. Like Eminem said.

And it’s all been decided for us like Freddie Mercury already knew.
Let’s wake up from the nightmares of this world, let’s demand better.
This world should no longer keep people in such horror. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Could you just not make it any worse from now on? I ask my tired head. My darling is already trying to have a normal morning. After a night of no relaxing. Because of me, my head. And now I’m lost in a space of trying, having to but not functioning well...
Somehow joining my darling in trying so hard to have an easy morning anyway. While nothing feels ok, nothing seems so easy, pressure is always so high. I should be alone, not dragging him with me, my darling who just takes it all. A winner through the fights. While I have lost so many or so many took too long, I’m still alive. Is that a prize? More like a price to pay. Paying for my freedom that shall come after a long hard war.

The “easy way out” will only cause more pain in the end.
Life demands you to go through it.
You don’t know where it ends.
When the hurting will go.
You just have to keep moving, marching in circles.
The “easy way out” does not exist.

The easy way out is not in suicide and if you don’t survive it was your way to die.
No questions about “what if..?”
“If” can only be used in the present or future.
You may learn along the way.
Or just stay in your “save zone”, pretend like you already know.

You take the “full me” willingly.
You teach me how to love this way.
To accept things being different than you expect because of love.
And now that is the only way for me to keep going, move forward.
And you accept me in the way I do so cause you know it is the hardest thing for me.
To just go on.
Every day again.
And so you let me be as I am.
In your life, in your space, you just take each day as it comes.
As I still can’t most of the time.
Can’t find peace in the music from the neighbours, the thoughts that keep me busy, the pressure.
But you let me work it out and hold me.
You let me talk and talk things through with me.
Taking it all fully.
Willingly loving.

Flurazepam sleep.
One at the start of the night, the next one at half past 3. Macrogool digestion, one glass before bedtime. Thyroid meds before breakfast. A blue pill for the overwhelming, the pain, the OCD stress. Anticonception, never having a kid in my life. And vitamins, and one allergies. But Flurazepam sleep or no sleep. Macrogool or no ****.  Thyroid meds or slow death. Blue pill or fast suicide hopefully. And no kid should have to live through this. A mom who can’t take care. And allergies are f*cking annoying! 😁

I just want a save place to cry and recover.
You can come by.
But I need space and escaping.
Too much is happening.
You and I are doing everything we can.
But it feels like not living most of the time for me.
Surviving torture, just having to still deal with everything.
Life, sensitivity, overwhelming, ocd...
Trying to make things ok, tired and broken.
I want to not feel trapped in life keeping me down.
I want to cycle under bridges screaming, I want to sing and create something.
How can I somehow feel this through all of this happening?
Moving again, changes, draining things, waiting.
You are the reason I’m still willing to give in.
Give in to life because of giving in to love.

Every big sound is like an attack.
Every moment waking is grieving.
Grieving that little peace I had found.
I don’t know what’s going on.
And how you are feeling, my love.
I’m scared so I run to the dark.
Trying to feel save.

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

Too busy outside.
Too busy inside.
It’s not much fun to live in this world.
It used to be at least interesting, every morning something new.
Now I just hope for peace.
Being able to do the things that I had planned. But more things start coming in.
The night was not long enough.

Getting up, trying to manage through the day.
Planning for the end.
Trying to exist.
Nothing matters, I don’t care, just some things matter like the people and stuff I leave behind.
When I’m gone and when I’m ready.
When I love and when I’m free, forever I demand.
This is not my place to be so it’s a prison.

Many lessons.
Developments.
Is it for the collective or just me?
I’m a part of everything so it’s never disconnected, but it’s my journey.
Fitted for me.
And I have to get through it.
Accept it, sometimes not accept it, sometimes love something.
But hating most.

Too busy outside, noise.
Too busy inside, stuff to do.
Places to be or not to be.
They used to be opportunities mostly, what can I do, where can I go?

I still try but my path has become so narrow.
It’s even hard to walk at all, every step takes time and courage.
And I don’t like it.
I’m so over it.
The path is long and narrow, it’s my fate.

It’s hard to trust in fate when you’re stuck between the start and the progress.
Stuck in a mess, a broken life.

It will fall into place eventually but first you have to fall with it.
Hopelessly, not knowing where you’ll land.
Life is not just outcomes.
It’s filled with inbetween states that are so painful and exhausting.

Trying to trust in fate inbetween.
Are you ever even ending up anywhere that feels ok?
Always in the inbetween, falling slowly into the world where you’ll need to be.
Next for a while before it will all start to change and eventually all fall again.

Hard to keep building when everythings keeps falling.
Even when you’re trying everything, the foundation was unstable from the beginning.

And it will be like that, as long as you’re stuck in this lifetime.
There’s always something not right
You will be destroyed slowly, painfully.
Fighting in the inbetween or upside down spaces.

And when you don’t have to do it alone anymore it might be even harder with someone else.

I don’t know why you don’t run.
I don’t know why I won’t give up.
We just keep trying.

When we wake up from screaming cats, you jump up and make it stop.
When I’m awake trying to control my thoughts you kiss me.
And eventually you leave into another room so I can rest at your side of the bed.

Hopefully I’ll be able to return these gifts one day.
I would never have thought that somebody would ever be able to deal with my darkness again.
I gave up, would have given up and would still give up.
If you didn’t come along here.
To be my perfect fit in all of this.

Which is still torture but so much better with you here.
It’s also harder: I need to fight again.
Together with you.

Sometimes I realise what’s going on.
And I see myself looking all crazy.
I know why and never cared.
Is crazy wrong?
Is wrong wrong?

Sometimes I realise what’s happening.
But I’m wondering why I’m still here too.
Sometimes I know, sometimes I really don’t.
And it’s hurting.
And it’s not stopping.

Sometimes I wonder why I had to live so many lives to realise what’s going on.
So many lives in one.
Still loving.
Finally found my perfect match as I was giving up on life again.

Wishing for so many things.
Yet not really caring if they happened or not anymore.
But the whishes have come true.
And still I’m suffering, not caring if I died tomorrow or next year.
But now you’re here and so I’m fighting for something.

Again, like I wished....✨⭐️💫🌟
Red Jaspis.
Blood dragon stone.
Ora lilith.
Swords and bows.
Vikings, mages, gunman, elves.
Living together.

It’s hard to trust in fate when you’re stuck between the start and the progress.
Stuck in a mess, a broken life.

It will fall into place eventually but first you have to fall with it.
Hopelessly, not knowing where you’ll land.
Life is not just outcomes.
It’s filled with inbetween states that are so painful and exhausting.

Trying to trust in fate inbetween.
Are you ever even ending up anywhere that feels ok?
Always in the inbetween, falling slowly into the world where you’ll need to be.
Next for a while before it will all start to change and eventually all fall again.

Hard to keep building when everythings keeps falling.
Even when you’re trying everything, the foundation was unstable from the beginning.

And it will be like that, as long as you’re stuck in this lifetime.
There’s always something not right
You will be destroyed slowly, painfully.
Fighting in the inbetween or upside down spaces.

And when you don’t have to do it alone anymore it might be even harder with someone else.

I keep on hurting you and I’d rather want to die.
But dying is not an option.
Should I leave?
It will break me again.
But staying might break both of us too.
But leaving means dying for me.

When everything turned I was still carrying the hurt.
And it’s not gone but my tolerance and energy really are, almost completely.

It’s so hard to grasp for me that there’s a way to continue.
Do I even want to go on?

No choice as usual it seems.
But it turned for the better.
That doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
And peace is never close unless I’m close to you.

In the moment.
But many moments are too hard to live in for me. Still.
And there’s no settling, no calmth.
Only a reason to go on again.

We're all working towards something that's happening later.
Yet it already happened in a timeless realm.
Animals, people, plants... always planning for the future in some way.
Preparing something, for something.
But not constantly and not in every way, just during the night and day.
While creating, escaping, loving we're free, in the moment.
But still we're made to prepare, anticipate, work on ''the future''.
The future that already happened.
It's divine design.
Designed for each individual creature.
Created between stars and planets through time.
And when time's up, it's over around here.

By Martin Ehlert & Sharon Miedema

Zelfs de dood heeft een moeder.   Even death has a mother.
Iemand die zorgd voor de dood.   Somebody who is taking care of
                                                             death.
Of haar kind sterft te vroeg.           Or has death take her child away
                                                             from her.
Je einddatum staat al gegraveerd. Your death date's already been
                                                             engraved.
Je kan het zelf nog niet zien staan. Though you can't see it.
Pas wanneer je klaar bent.               Only when it is your time.
Niet eerder en niet later.                  Not any sooner, any later.

Waking up from a banging sound with an aching head after going back to bed.
Too anxious for more sleep.

So getting up for tea.
And a shower.

Hopefully today will still be ok.
But it’s never easy.
Trying and being in the moment is key.
Hoping for a better time.

Loving the moments and people that make it worthwhile.
At least for a while.

I want to die
But I don’t know what that is.
No, I don’t just want things to be alright.
I’m tired of this world and life.
I want to write one more poem.
To let the story have an end.

And then leave by myself.
Which seems impossible for me, to just let everything go.
It took me everything to do everything in this life already.
Have it be ok enough to survive.
But it never really worked and it never felt alright.
So please let the story end.

Tell me where I will be free and where I’ll find my place.
A world of freedom with my old friends and feelings.
Still there but feeling good and better.
Not sick but in my power.
In love and able to rest in peace.
And fly away.

I can’t find my world in here.
Let me go soon now.
Write the end chapture here.
Let me die, let me go.
Let me find my courage to let go of everything, it’s not even working.
Ever.
Yet it’s all I really know.

I tried before to go.
Wasn’t my time.
Same right now, still things to wait for.
For people, for me.
Born suicidal, I hate this world, the life, the constant merciless days and nights.

I wanted euthanasia but in the end it was denied, trying again, reapplied.
Intensely long waiting time.

Although I know there’s more to this torturing life.
And every chapture had its own little subjects that perfectly align.
But now I need to die!
I want to, I have to.
Let me say goodbye, tell you “This is the end”.
For once and for all.
In this life for me finally.
Goodbye, goodbye.

The end.

A coldness.
Coming from different directions.
This wasn't what the forecast had promised.
Yet it was so clear to see it would come.

Because the sun can't shine everywhere at the same time.
I was always the storm but it's been raining too hard for so long.

You lost your reasons to find me again.
There's another better place for you to be.
At the horizon I watch you go down.
And I feel a coldness.

You're not coming back to shine bright in the morning.
Not on me.
Not with me.
No more rainbows.

Just coldness from many directions.
It's happened before.
Same directions.
Same different directions.

It's because I'm too heavy and now there's a better place to go.
And it keeps on happening, who can blame you for chosing the warmth?

And I kept on believing the lying promise of a brighter forecast over and over.
The sun had good intensions.
But the cold had to come.
It always had to come again and again.

Maybe I should have run away again to leave you dry.
That's when you wait for the storm.
It's always been the same.

But now the flood is high.
It will stay in the coldness.

Deep and dark.
Bye bye sun!
See ya again when the land gets too dry.
Oh well, I might as well run in this weather now.

Soaked already.
No point in waiting.
For you sun to come.
I know you won't and when you do you will leave.

It's just natural, I'm used to it now.
Doesn't make the cold not sting.
But I will keep running.
Some day you're running dry...

Suffering from life, the pressure.
Crying day. 💧
Spiders crawling.
During the day, in my dreams.
On the floor.
Like me.

I cannot run, hide or fight.
I have to sit right in the centre.
And suffer.

Looking at a painful sight.
In the corner of my eye.
As I try to focus on survival mode.

Because I can’t run.
Nowhere to hide.
Forbidden to fight.
Cause I will lose my only place to live.

Although it’s not living.
It’s suffering.
Like it’s always been.
In many ways.

The last one was kind of a present because it was the better of them all.
The place before this one that I had to leave behind.
I cried.
Closed that chapture, know why.
I had to go.

But sometimes I hear the half dead forest call.
The one that was behind my place to live and survive.
The place before where I live now.

Here there’s no half dead forest.
Just parked cars, shops and houses in every street, in front of my window.

Nowhere to run, no place to hide, no permission to fight.
The people here know quite well I’m not from here and don’t belong.
I cannot sing.
Not on my walks.
I’ve never been one for small talks when I meet the neighbours...

I already mentioned too much now, better never again talk to them.
Complained too much already, it’s inside me to address things when they’re happening.

Not sit with it just suffering in silence just waiting.
Agonizing.
But many people do not know that I cannot run, hide or fight.

And it’s eating at me all the time.
I want out but I know not where I’ll go.
Only that this world has no save space.

Ancient robots are cute little dancers.
The moon is a circle in a dream of a fantastic star.
But you are the one with the voice that is clear.
Always when I hear.
I see the world differently when you’re next to me.
I have to give away a piece of me as a piece of energy.

But who answers when nothing matters?
I mean: nothing can be forced so when I’m stuck, who takes me out?
Take me out on an adventure, don’t warn me, you never do anyway.
This time in a good way.
Please, pleading has no use.
Something’s always got to give, some breaking of the mind, some breaking of everything.
Some abuse.

Some rebuilding, reshaping, I got no say in when, how and where, better not care.
Take care.
And please tell me: will we be making sandwiches again?
Again in the world beyond this one?
Another Matrix or the source?
Enjoying the simple things of life on earth, no more, no more, not anymore?

The power of creation.
New things.
New worlds.
Black circles, everything.
It’s coming, always coming in and out, and in and never out, let me in, never out, never in.
Come in.
Come out alive.
We all want to come out alive, right?
I didn’t.
But I did.
I was born but never came out myself, almost died.

I wanted to dance but they put me in a room with no space.
So I gained weight.
And when I wanted to sing all these people in this town started staring.
So I started skating, tying the laces of skates till my fingers started bleeding.
Even with plastic tape around them it’s not always working and my muscles are hurting from bending and tying.
Tying laces for 20 minutes before finally skating freely.

And after years I finally found a good mattress but now it’s laying there in the way of everything.
It doesn’t fit on the bed, in my room, no space for exercising.
A shop at every street, no space for walking.
No space in my head when OCD-ing, trying to find a way through this everyday.

All that most people can see is me complaining.....

Finding your way every single day.
A game to play and a love to stay.

Strategy, tragedy.
A darkness all over me.

A love too strong to deal with.
Playing games to deal with life.

Honesty, personality.
**** me, love me, believe me, believe my story, I’m sorry.

A game we both play.
Untill the harness and garments fall away.

Let me in deep inside.
Or just be all over me.

Nothing around you is working out.
But you're working every day.
Your children are both dying.
Husband's always working.
You're doing everything.

People are calling you with questions.
To which you're always giving the right answers.
But nobody sees you slowly turning numb from all the darkness.
You are not even screaming anymore.
Your voice now sounds so sore.

You know you carry the moon and sun at the same time for so long.
Everyday and every night.
You had to be the fire that was always on, full blasting burning.
Meanwhile your eldest kept on teaching you about the world and everything.

Your youngest had to be a warrior coming home with wounds you had to mend and bind.
No time for fun or just feeling good for such a long long time.

It still keeps going on and on.
You're waiting for the big turning, a place for settling and everything to be alright.
But these days are long gone, everything you have is now and you're trying the best you can all along.
No grandkids and no future.

But it's all just here in this horrible world, you see?
Look how far you've already come.
It's never been in vain.
You're right where you need to be.
And so are we.

Even though it hurts, you're doing well.
And it's been seen.
You're not alone.
Nothing will stay.
But our connection.
And all the battles we've gone through, still never giving in.
Fighting for what we know is right.

I believe in you.
This moment is now just for you, close your eyes and feel it, you deserve it.
And so much more.
It is still inside and always will be.
You are a universal mother.

The source is inside of us.
All.
Who says this is the one and only Matrix?
Who wants to go back to the source?

With your heart.
With your love.
Your energy.
It’s all inside.

Go outside.
Of this Matrix or another.
Who wants to be there?
Be inside.
It’s all inside us.
Where is the dark hole full of comfort?

I’ve seen it in my dreams, felt it in my core.
Twin flames and all the special ones that came.
In my dream I can feel you, the energy is one that is only coming through with you.

Let me go to my dream, find you again.
Your amazing authentic energy that only comes with you.
From you.
When I see you.

It was 05:55 am.
I called my mom.

I didn't know what Sharvi meant.
Until I Googled it.

5 is its lucky number.
And it has something to do with Aquarius, my zodiac.

It's time though I can't.
But I can't go on.

Latest nickname.
Latest poem.

My mom's name is Ingrid.
She's a spirit just like us.

But in her it shows now cause she knows everything there is to know.
About life and death.

Sorry, this is one of my worst poems but I'm not in a good headspace cause I'm going away.
I hope to find a place like my dreams.

My dreams where I could never stay, was always ripped away from.
But my mom was there this time.

Because of her I can do everything.
Because of my sister I could live.

Because of my dad I could do any challenging thing.
Because of my grandma I could get through the failed suicides.

So they are amazing.
Not just for that but for that they are my heroes.

Please never forget them.
Their deeds.

They need to be acknowledged.
For me.

Sometimes your own pain stings your eyes too bad to look at other people's struggles.
Sometimes your neck cracks too hard to turn around and give a person one last look.
Sometimes your mind is too heavy to think about how somebody you care about is actually doing.
We are all doing our best.

When nothing feels right, how do you make somebody else feel better?
It's a massive challenge.
Sometimes you just need to walk away.
Guilt is not helping anyone but yet you feel it sometimes.
Just appreciate the others for putting up with the struggle, for holding your hand through the pain.

Rest your heavy heart and mind.
It's not up to you how things turn out.
It's life.
Keep on loving, trying and being the best you can.
Sometimes that means you're lying with your head in somebody's hands.
Somebody that loves you, somebody amazing, somebody that's worth everything.

So are you.
You are not worthy of having this world.
This world is not worthy of having you.
If I knew a better place I'd take you there.
Let's go together.
Sometimes when you have the energy it's possible.
Or we can just dream until it's time to go..... ✨🎇🌙💜💫

I’ll be bathing in the softest substance
Just for when you’re ready to receive me.
If you know and understand me just enough.

Just enough to let me drown when it’s time to go.
Just enough to dance and swim when we still have time.

Just enough to let me lie down and close my eyes till the break of dawn.
To know that when I wake up you are the only bright sparkle in the sky.

Don’t call me ever.
Don’t leave me alone.
Don’t ever expect me to show up.
Don’t expect me to not show up.
Pick me up from the floor if you want me to be there.
That’s where you’ll find me these days.
I won’t pick up.
Won’t pick myself up.
I just survive unless you really want you and me to try.
Try to be together for some time.
I close my eyes till we arrive and the place you want to take me.
That’s where you’ll have me fully.
If you and I try.
I close my eyes and drift off sometimes, when you talk I don’t reply.
I hear every word.
I probably love to hear it and think about it.
But I don’t answer right away.
I lie there as your twin baby.
Slowly and slightly reaching for you and pulling away again.
Maybe even do a little dance.
And then start to tell a story that has no end.....

I am Lisbeth Salander when I have to be.
But sometimes I just want to.
Especially with you.

You are much older than me.
It’s what I’m into, I always have been.
It’s who I am.

And sometimes I’m Lisbeth Salander.
Because sometimes I have to.
And sometimes I want to so it’s also who I am.

And it’s not wrong, fighting through life.
Picking the right and slightly bad old men.
Life itself has more pain and danger than the situations I chose to be in.

But some men hurt me because I actually care.
And they act like they do but they drop me, leave me, act like they never knew me.

Probably because I got to know them too well.
In a way they never wanted me to.
A part of them that they couldn’t hide.

And I still loved them but they couldn’t love a person that knows a version of them that they hate.

If you asked me everything on our first date I would never want to answer.
Too much info kills the passion....

But it’s the person you and I show each other that matters.
The person you are to me from the moment we meet till it’s over.
That’s who I got to know.

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

There's nothing that I ''could have'' or ''should have'' done.
I learn what doesn't work everyday from yesterday.
A new day to ''could'' maybe ''should''.
But it's ok.
I tried everything it seems.
Sometimes I fly but most of the time I'm bound in a chamber of despair.

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

I want to forget myself.
Live not for me.
Devote my life to something that actually still is working.
Or sacrifice it to become my truest form.
I don't want to be covered by so much choas that there's no space to exist.
And if I have to I make the choas worth it.

Nothing left to lose again.
No tomorrow.
Only moments.
Only love but no freedom.
Maybe if we can escape.
Yes, when we escape we can still have freedom.

So much choas to run through.
So I tried to find skates.
I will find them soon and use a working code to get through all of these closed gates.
Speeding through.

Like I've done in dreams before, riding through tunnels.
Not walking around in nightmares.
Dark industrial bare spaces, lost without a bus stop in sight or map to guide me right.
Only my own intuition a destination I'm trying to find.

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.

You dug your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom of my fingers.
I asked you to do it once again after you finished.
That was too intense.

But now I'm tired and you are lost again somewhere in your own head.
At a place you share with people that are not friends.
What will happen when I move away from your work place?
You live in a shelter, can you even stay with me when I move in 3 weeks?

You can't escape.
Just like me, I have to keep on moving, continue this torture.
Do you want to escape with me?
It seems, not really.
You don't invite me but when I invite you, you sometimes like it.
You still talk about how it was your very first concert when I asked you out.

But all you do is hurt me.
And sometimes it excites me so intensely, you feel to me like nobody ever felt before.
You like my body and I'm like nobody you know.
But you don't show me that you care so much, still you ask me to sit beside you.

And I reach for your hand....
For you to dig your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom my fingers.
I ask you to do it once again after you finish.
That is so intense.

I hope to create a dreamworld today.
Cause I wasn’t allowed to dream last night/morning.
A new year is coming.....

The December month is over.
We all made it through a year of torture, sadness and love.
Bless you all from the universe.
The mothers that hold you in the silence.
Their energy is divine like yours in your pain!

I wish for dreamworlds for us all:
Better places with people that can feel like we do.
Instead of disappointments, torturing agony/exhaustion/ fighting and needing too many sleep meds....

I wish for love to be spreading and to feel like we want to.
To be free from rules and aggression.
Have something to fight for.
Fight with passion, great energy and love for everybody!

Not sleeping or constantly waking.
No comfort, no mercy.
Having to go on but it hurts to live.
I want to sleep.
Without being afraid that the mattress will sink.
The sounds will keep waking me when I'm just in peace.
So up doing laundary cause I'm already losing the days.
Unable to go to the pharmacy in time.
Cause trying to sleep in when I can....
Needing time.
Needing sleep.
Needing peace.
Needing escape.
Never any mercy.
Nothing's ever working.
And I'm trying but I'm so over it.
So depressed.
Broken body and mind.
OCD, intrusive thoughts, sensitivity, overwhelmed constantly.

As you know, gut feelings don't lie.
My guard was up with you from the start.
Somehow you broke through.

I never told you a lie.
Or anything that wasn't true.
Still you didn't want to listen.
You let me listen to your problems and pain.
You let me help you.

Your best friend even told me: be carefull, he's so sensitive.
Me too, I told him loudly, extremely.
What about me?

But it was never about me it seems.
Your pride, your ego, I had to have respect.
Respect needs to be earned.

Maybe later you think back to this and learn.
I screamed at you: Why can you not be understanding with me as I'm also deeply hurting and suffering?!
It didn't really seem to get through to you at all....
And so I had to cut you off.

So harsh, the ugly truth inside your perpect looking Persian eyes.
This Viking is leaving, never to return.
No regrets but still torn and angry.
I fought for you before you showed me it had all just been in vain.
Now I still have to see you for 5 weeks untill I'm moving.

Moving away from you forever.
Only left with my true friends to visit.
I hope I'll never have to hear another ugly word from you again or see you after that.
Words and looks of empty pride.
While my good friends are still humble and loyal, I gave you my all.
Foolish little fight, way too big fight to handle cause I could never win this one.
So I'm saving myself again for what's left to be done and fight for now.

You chose to look away when I was in battle.
While I was thinking about your fights constantly.
Did you learn that in your culture?
All autistic women are better off dead than to live with people like you.

You told me your stories, you were a beast in your country.
You're not so much of a changed man.
Nobody can save you from your ego but you.
To think you tried to teach me things about sprituality and everything.
Hope I showed you something....

But I'm leaving.

I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.... you.

Are you ok?
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
About this.
About us.
It's not right.
We stopped dreaming.

But I never want to hurt you.
If it doesn't fit with who I am in this lifetime I have to be honest.
I hate to be this mess, to chose the fight instead of the comfort.
The love that we share is always gonna be there, I still care.
It's all just so unfair, painful, brutal battles.

Help, I'm hurting you.
Painful truth, horrible battles to fight again.
Life is never easy.
Never peaceful.
Intense and heavy.
From start to end.
And now something ends and something else is beginning again.
But I hate to hurt you and leave you.

Help, I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.

YOU.

Life's never easy.
We're not here for a good time.
So I became crazy.

You said you'd be my Godfather.
But I'll be your personal little guiding mother.
I know you've never met somebody like me before ever.
And I'm only here to love you, open you up and get you ready.
Meanwhile I'd love the process, the moments.
And I'm free.
Tortured but free.
Loving harder than the pain.
Taking your pain away through touching you.
Showing you a different way through guiding you.

Having an impact on that part of the universe.
Just like you touch and impact my spirit so much around here and beyond.
It goes deeper than this place.
So don't just reach for the old teaching and the rules inside here.
Let me show you the way beyond Jesus and all these great preachers and teachers.
They're alright but it's all still within the rules of this place.
So let me show you these different places now, it'll get crazy but you won't because you're ready.
I'll show you where we both can go to, let go.
Be wild, crazy and free, ancient pagan natural.
Spiritual, divine, part of everything, inside our own world and creations.

All these different options I see.
They are just there everywhere all the time.
Time is relative.
Be creative with it.
Intensely loving the moment.
Intensely loving inside it.
Inside you, I'll guide you.
Just watch me.
You can do it too, do it with me.
Do it with me.

Always doing that job that I want to do even more after my work around here is done.
Let me, I'll trust the process.
But I'll still be rebellious me, always.
Meanwhile I love you, so special what you do to me.
But my brother doesn't like it.
My spirit brother's disappointed.
It hurts a lot to see that I have to let him down sometimes, not go with him everytime.
But I can only live from moment to moment.
I love him but it's been in me all the time to fight hard for these greater outcomes.

Intense missions.
Intense intensions.
Great moments.
Great gates opened wide perspectives.
Intense kisses.
Opening up spirit.
Toughing, feeling it.
Finally pushing through because I need to.
Because I can, it's my job, my mission.
Be the show that shows you everything I got to show.
Different directions.
Different dimensions.
Intense moments....

Godfather, let me entertain you.
Like money will never do.
Let me kiss you and push through all of your boundaries, your build up worries
You told me stories of the beast inside you.
Hold me like you'd hold these women that still see you as a beast.
Heal me, heal you, heal them hopefully too eventually.
Through my pain, I'll heal your pain, through your pain I'll open you, I'll love you.
I'll have a new mission to enjoy the outcome of.
As long as I'm still around.
Unable to really live, love, be alive.
Let me guide.

Just like a lost soul wandering but in a body.
That's been me now for so long.
But I'm getting ready.

Still developed a lot myself.
Had influence on others.
But wandering without a future, not yet ready to die.
Holding on like that for so long.
Untill I was ready.

Tried to leave but failed a couple of times.....
Now I finally received a way out that is sure to succeed.
Still the hardest thing to do.
Very lonely.
I just had to wait a little longer....

Then one night my mom told me: you've got to end this, make a plan now finally and make up your mind!
My fiery mom.
With old Norse wisdom inside of her naturally.

It had to be my time though.
An old friend apologized to me when he saw me again.
He needed that before I left.
But now it's time to get ready, not hang around in limbo.

My mom is right.
My mom, equal in my battles.

I had to realize I need to be a true Viking.
Find pride and courage in the sacrifice.
The hardest one.
Dying in battle.
My only escape.