I used to have this dream about white umbrellas with red dots and red umbrellas with white dots, and there was a beach with nice sand-- the soft kind that doesn’t feel scratchy on bare thighs.
Maybe a blue woven blanket and a transit radio with rusted edges. But there were never any people.
Except for me.
I was there walking along the too soft sand- barefoot and jubilant.
The waves crashed horizontally- you could see them, but came quickly to the realization that you would never feel them- they only traveled left and right.
And the sun and clouds and very much blue sky would be extremely beautiful-- until a sort of smoke like thought would enter your head. The thought
none of this is real.



I used to have a lot of dreams. But now I’m not so sure when I dream- when exactly I stop dreaming.
It’s like someone pushed a pause button on my ability to sense reality as it is.
It’s a terrible tribulation to attempt to hold focus- my head is a daydream.
Like I'm living in an upside down daydream where nothing is real, yet my actions do in fact have consequences.
Like I am nothing more than a person made up by another mind sent to play poker on the 50" flat screen you just had to buy.
My head is attached to my body but my mind is not. And this body-- my body- is not actually so.



Every memory is disfigured and foggy and seems to make no real connection.
Who am I?
I don’t know and I don’t think I’ll ever know again.
It’s too complex a thought.
Am I saying I like something because I like it- do I truly enjoy it?
Or am I just saying so-
I mean, what do I really like?
Who is this person behind my eyes?
I’m not sure anymore.

you call yourself a hopeless romantic
because you've repeatedly failed at love
but you overlook the fact
that a hundred girls
are fantasizing about you this very instant

you're insecure about your looks
because you were bullied for it long ago
the memories taunt you, haunt you
yet you choose to ignore
how a hundred girls
drool at the sight of your chiseled physique

you think you're not good enough for love
that you won't find the perfect girl
you wont find perfection, that's a fact
but one day when you find the one
she will be perfect for you, and you for her
and the hundred girls will be sobbing,
hopelessly craving your love

I’m sorry.
Dreadfully so.
Your hearts a mess-
so skillfully trying
to weave its way
through mine.
But I’ve already began
cutting the ties.
I don’t want your love.
I won’t lie; not to you.
I’m sorry

why is every love song less annoying and repetitive now that i've met you?

2017 for me was unforgettable
And it was practically indescribable
But yet not in a good way
I lost friends day by day
I lost someone I loved
Someone who taught me to see past the mud
However those I put on a shelf
Because in 2017 I lost myself
I lost touch with reality
I felt like there was no gravity
But yet there was a light at the end of the tunnel
I found someone amazingly beautiful
I found someone who to me means world
I found someone who I cannot bore
Someone who showed me myself
She gave me reasons to want to cope
She I realize is my hope