Diving in and the water is deep , ripples of pain away from me creep.
All around me the absence of sound, the weight and intensity is profound.
I blink my eyes try to clear the haze, questions bubble around me creating an unending maze.
No answers to help me through the confusion. The happiness i had dreamed only an illusion
Im living in a nightmare instead of my dream. And dealing with the staggering reality that no one is what they seem.
Every heartbeat an ache and a cry! pretending I’ve got it under control but its a lie!
The pain is staggering and it makes me sway
I drop to my knees and overwhelmed i pray.
Open my clenched fists help me let go…. the control i never had, cracks starting to show.
Relax my jaw, tension making it ache, all this heaviness away from me take.
Heal my heart from the heavy blows. I feel as though i am bleeding out but no one knows.

I feel it slip over me and pull me down, the weight of their expectations and judgments about me surround.
Have you walked it? this path that i tread, have you carried this load or caught the tears that i bled?
Hurt echos in constant waves off the walls
of my mental masterpiece mess of glass lined halls.
The panes shake and they tremble and violently quake. I breathe deep and reach out to steady before they break.
Reflections of days past and windows to my soul. Are they protective walls or a cage what is the goal.
One wrong move and i will be covered in shards of glass. The jagged edges slicing me open as i try to pass.
Tip toe and take a steady breath walk away and shut the door no time to deal with shattered messes on the floor.

What do you want?
What do you need?
What makes you happy?
What makes you bleed?
What is authentic, deep inside?
The truth behind the mask you try to hide.
What is the narrative to the images on replay?
That dance in your head at the end of the day.
How long have you lived in this crazy way?
Not honest with yourself just a part you play.
Day after day the same old dance.
Lost in the chaos, caught in a trance.
Until all at once something wakes you up!
everything has changed,
though you drink from the same cup.
What you thought was true barely even matters.
Remnants of what once was hang in tatters.
A new focus emerges from the fire and ash.
But you hardly feel the pain so awed by the flash.
Blinding, amazing, completely surreal!
But the shock wears off, the pain you can feel!
The tearing away of things that you don’t need.
Necessary, but It still hurts you still bleed.
Rebuilding starts with breaking.
I know He is good in-spite of the aching.
Remolding reshaping to someone i don’t recognize.
But i don’t care turn my face to the skies!

How do i find order in the chaos, quiet amidst the noise? When my world is crumbling how do I maintain poise?
Left or right? North or south? Control the words coming from my mouth.
You created me and know me to my core! Why cant i understand what i was created for?

Balance and momentum. Contentment and drive. Passion and purpose. what keeps us alive?
Confused and trembling on the precipice of change. But i cant see it i can only feel things beginning to rearrange.
Hold me guide me do not let me stumble and fall, if its not of you i do not  want it at all!

Baby girl born into a world of confusion, chaos, and anger. Your so small my precious one, I hope we can protect you from the danger.

Born of two cultures you did not get to choose will we help you build a bridge or create a ruse.

Can we help you find love and respect for both parts of who you are.  Or will we try to force you to fit our ideas and create a scar.

Your heart so tender, so ready to receive,
All the things we tell you to believe.

May our words and actions show you love, kindness, and Respect. May you become a woman of faith with a ripple effect.

Strong and brave,  loyal and true, a champion of those who are less fortunate than you.

A righter of wrongs, a voice of truth, and a heart of compassion. May wisdom and love be given you without ration.

Its so easy to be caught in the fear of everything that we may miss. Perhaps the Lord has placed you for such a time as this.

Laying awake because the worry wont cease,
Heartache inside on a steady increase.
No way to put into words the dread and anxiety, my constant companion in your society.
Cant have a conversation no matter how gentle or careful I try to be. So much rage and venom I fade under the intensity.
I am so overwhelmed and confused a jumbled mess. Find myself accepting less and less.
Less compassion and respect,  less love and affection. I See the shadows in my eyes as I stare at my reflection.
What are we doing? playing a warped game of pretend? One where nobody’s happy or ever wins I want it to end!
It starts with me the only place it can. I must face the things away from which I’ve ran.
On my own afraid but i have to learn to stand. Do it all for myself no looking back no longer expecting a hand.
Broken,bleeding, and bare, carrying more baggage than i want to share.
It does no good to ask myself how or why?
But i might need a moment to grieve to cry.

Salty air and sandy toes , amid sunshine and waves  relationships strengthen and grow!
Late night sweet kiddo snuggles, firelight dancing, laughter bubbles.
Friends turned family that love you through it all, hold your hand when you feel small.
Puppy kisses, under blue skies, sun kissed skin, time flies by!
Warmth seeps in healing my soul, easing my aches stitching me whole.
Sound of the waves soothe away, the world so loud troubles on replay.
Losing and finding pieces in the endless sway where water meets land and pretense washes away.

I feel it when it’s beginning sometimes slowly sometimes in a rush,
Never prepared as the walls break and then the gush.

Heart beat racing, out of breath, mind a blur.
I whisper we’re safe but my body does not concur.

Not even sure what started the fear and anxiety. But my skin is crawling and i can’t breathe.

Focus, connect with what is real. What can you see, hear, and feel?

Regulate your breathing, calm your heart, let the tremors subside hit pause then restart.

Too much sound, and Too much to take in.
One step at a time control is very thin.

My heart is still to fast but the day doesn’t stop. Like Holding a ball under water hoping it doesn’t pop.

The depth of my heart is tired, and my soul is flooded with grief and pain.
No where to run, no time to cry, just swallow and shove it down again.
Being in this constant state of confusion on high alert,
somedays we are your everything somedays your destruction, it becomes a blur.
You don’t want your freedom, but you don’t want me. You think you do, but you only want the version that’s make believe.
How many times have i sat on this porch swing to contemplate. But my head is so jumbled the thoughts i cant even separate.
My brain stuck somewhere between disassociation and trauma induced anxiety. Not sure how to shake loose, do I fight or do I flee?
some days I feel like I’m stuck on pause unable to be free. By the time, I finally decide will there be anything left of me?

I feel a little bit lost today, wandering through the passages of my mind i got stuck in an alley way.
I sat trembling staring at what i have left of you. Sweet Precious memories i don’t often sift through.
Because there i get caught in the aged sun faded edges of what we had. A lifetime of love moments, treasures, the good and the bad.
A million times i ache as i yearn for your comfort your advice. no need to pretend you knew the I’m fine lies.
What would you think, what would you say? Im so sorry i wasted so many of our days.
I wish i could hear your voice, feel one more warm embrace. See the unconditional love shining from your face.
I mourn the moments you should have shared. The grandchildren who should have known that much love and care.
Someone who always showed up, who loved you even when you were wrong. It doesn’t seem right that the days just keep moving along.
So here i sit surrounded by the memories and it makes me sway. I just feel a little bit lost today….

Who are you really? What are your dreams?
Is anything i thought as it seems?
I know your favorite color and your Birthday
And what you act like in a rage.
I know your favorite foods and your favorite drink
And how it feels when your anger makes me shrink.
I know your past the people and things that have made you, you.
And i know the chaos you and i have been through.
Hard work, compromise, forgiveness all part of what i expected.
But bitterness, resentment, constant anxiety, and being neglected?
The feeling that choosing us is tearing us both apart so far distanced from the boy and girl we were at the start.

Daily Poised on the brink of chaos and disaster. liven life in tears, love and laughter.

Wishin for sunshine again and again but you cant have the rainbow without a little rain.

Missing the feelings in the memories of yesterday, but forgetting the pain that made me sway.

Grass is always greener in someone else’s yard. But we cant see their struggle just our own view of hard.

Lost in our dreaming, reaching for what we hope to gain. Losing sight of the hand we could hold, relieve someone else’s pain.

Selfish and ambitious the world seems to glorify. But its not a good look, so ask yourself why?

If its so much better forever when… why are the ones that are there still striving then?

Find something deeper meaning in the mess. Learn, grow, give, love don’t settle for less.

Dance in the rain and bask in the sun. Be happy to just live and life becomes more fun.

The days flow by like water through an open drain, cant bask in the sunshine without a bit of rain.
Trying to slow down enjoy the moment before it becomes a memory, but often i am overwhelmed lost in the overloaded sensory.
Want to live with wisdom, and act in gratitude and love. But feeling a bit jaded, lost in the push and shove!
Somedays life just feels so very hard, and we can wind up feeling like we are the ones who we discard.
Somewhere in the process of growing older we often lock ourselves away and grow a little colder.
I refuse to give in to the ease of whats known,
Or live in fear of being stretched and grown.
I know i am being refined while standing in the fire. But the pain still makes me sway as the flames grow higher.

I go so long my mind and heart ******* in knots,
Remind me God of all the things i forgot!
You are my savior, my helper, my redeemer, my king
On you i can depend, give all the struggle, your praise i sing!
I don’t have to carry the weight of the world.
It’s not my job to volley all thats been hurled.
You see me where i am in the midst of the storm.
This chaos and anxiety does not have to be my norm.
You want me to give my heart completely to you. Trust your lead. Instead i am often lost in the thorns causing my soul to ache and bleed.
You say,”Cast your cares upon me, trust, release”. You flood my mind and heart with your comfort and peace.
Help me to keep this posture kneeling at your feet, trusting in your love no need to retreat.

Drip drip drip just one at a time but those drops add up and the water climbs.
I feel it coming cant lock it inside, the weight the heavy pressure the landslide.
The storm its raging just beneath, barely controlled no sign of relief.
So much baggage so I begin to bail, but with the rate it keeps coming i am going to fail.
I stuff and i stuff until theres no space. Try not to let it show just keep up the pace.
Drowning inside losing touch with reality. I am trying , But the waters so high i can barely see.
Praying for a way of rescue, or even a life raft.
But somehow it seems they all just sail past.
Your fault you didn’t reach out and grab hold
Why are you so weak you need to be bold.
But you don’t know the anchors tied to me.
Pulling me back under where you cant see.
Cut them all loose and swim away fast.
Its not that easy the connections are vast.

Life is messy constantly in motion, up and down like the swells of the ocean.
From happy to sad in the blink of an eye. From saying hello to kissing goodbye.
Characters weave in and out in a consistent flow. Some leave when you want them to stay and others stay when you wish they’d go!
Watching in slow motion like a spectator not a player, trying to decipher, unpack the chaos  layer by layer.
Figure out how to just live in peace and contentment, so tired of the fray and leftover resentment!
Want to be one way strong, faithful and kind. But my own brokenness has fractured my mind.
I act in a way i wish i would not, swore I would do better next time, but then i forgot.
Desire to be a loving example to all of mine, but i open my mouth and i am outta line!
How much longer will i sway in this messy balancing act set on replay?
Beyond time to quit this tightrope and jump down, find true balance with my feet on the ground

I choke on thickness of it as it rolls in. A dark black cloud full of regrets, ifs, whens, and thens.
It fills my eyes, my ears, my lungs. I cant see, hear, or breathe. I taste it on my tongue.
It shatters me from the inside out leaves me on the floor not knowing the way out.
Screaming, clawing, i will not just succumb.
Feel it, breathe it, just don’t let yourself go numb.
I thought i knew my triggers but i keep finding more. This is what happens when the body keeps the score.
It holds records of all the pain…. the tears, and fears; traces of them long after still remain.
I thought I knew you turns out i was wrong. You were someone else all along.
Thought i heard the Lords voice but i think it was mine. I wanted so badly to believe our love was divine.
You and i were not meant to be we have almost destroyed ourselves trying to force opposite polarities.
Bitterness and resentment grows within each our hearts. Poison slowly killing us from our innermost parts.
How long before we admit the ruse. Quit tearing each other apart so afraid to lose.

Every time i think I’ve hit the bottom there is another hole in the floor. Searching for my way out but i cant find the door.
Unstable and unsteady again and again i fall, i am worried when its over there will be nothing left at all.
Crumbling all around me so much that needs repair. Do i keep on  holding it together not giving into despair.
I long for peace like a desert longs for rain, but here i am falling through chaos and pain.
This grief so heavy rising is a chore. Half afraid of /half longing for the day i wont rise anymore.
Just the honest truth my insides feel like a battle torn waste, but on the outside i pull it all back put a smile on my face.
Like planting roses for a structure that has been condemned. Trying to protect something precious but not equipped to defend.
Living in this pattern of hold it together, cry out, crawl, and fall. Nothing that i do seems to matter at all.
Left wondering why i keep fighting when it seems to all end in a mess. I don’t want perfect i just don’t want Aching emptiness.

Time flows by like sand through a sieve.
The  hourglass doesn’t slow or forgive.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears,
next logical step drowned by my fears.
Hard to move forward when you seem frozen in place.
Teetering like a delicate sculpture ready to break.
Shaped by my past my present rips me apart. Choose a path…. But instead i graph and chart.
Which way is best, not painful, truthful no ruse, but the answers don’t line up and so my heart i  just confuse.
Perhaps looking for the path that carries no pain,
Is what is setting me off course making me insane?
It doesn’t really exist, it’s called apathy and going numb.
I don’t want to lose myself to the temptation, i wont succumb.
But what’s the alternative this constant uncertainty, pain, and grief.
Cycle on repeat no break or relief?
Worn out by the burden of carrying it all
pushed beyond capacity becoming small.
I’ve taught myself to be less to avoid the pain
rejection, irritation, anger, being called a drain.
Careful of who i let see more than just a shadow
Hiding behind the image they want to bestow.
I find myself longing to just break free.
Release the self made constraints holding me.

Crazy, jumbled, mixed up, mumbled
Lasting, loving, pushing, shoving
Bending, breaking, giving, taking
Fast, fleeting, rebuilding, bleeding
Truth, lies, failures, trys
How much longer in this way,
crazy narrative set on replay.
Between life and death our story will rise,
amidst our yearning calling out to the skies.  
Our heart so open as our journey begins,
Wandering and searching for where we fit in.
Place after place we try on some new clothes
Uncomfortable in our own skin so it goes.
But more and more we seem to find,
If we cover up we leave us behind.
So we decide to let little parts show,
But then they tear us to shreds tell us go!
So what then everything or nothing at all,
This leaves us scarred and feeling small.
We try and we fail learning as we go,
Trying to cover up not let the scars show.
Until at last we are done with the pretense,
Time to let being who we are commence.
Broken and bleeding on our knees we crawl,
Rebuilding ourselves no longer afraid to fall

Love is a game we like to play, not always sincere with the words we say.
We dance with another drawing each other in like cat and mouse we run away again.
I love you, you love me so anxious to achieve! But once you’re there do you believe?
The words you are saying, the words you hear coming from an immature heart to a deaf ear.
The thrill of the chase of all thats new. When it settles into routine leaves you seeking something true.
You begin to push and they to pull longing for that feeling a love so full.
You yearn and you burn When it begins but then find yourself tossing and turning as it ends.
You wake up one day, feeling scarred and broken, a little bled out from wounds that are open.
You begin to heal, to focus on you, determined to find things that are true.
Sick of the games you no longer wish to play. Only focusing on you and the ones who stay.
Who bring compassion and peace, who promote safety and joy. Not dallying with those who treat your heart like baggage or a toy.
No longer seeking a love that burns. You have the scars you want one that stands firm.
Where you support each other as you grow. The pace of it steady and slow.

Shes gone i think, The girl who used to be energetic and fun. She used to crave adventure but now shes always on the run.
The girl who dreamed, who believed in magic and happily ever after. Now she doesn’t dare try because it all ends in disaster.
The girl who was creative and not afraid to dance. Now cant bring herself to try to take a chance.
The girl who was strong and had her own way of being, now walking on eggshells forever retreating.
Heartbreak has left her in pieces barely holding it all together. Really not sure another blow she can weather.
Disappointed and disillusioned seeing the shadows and feeling the pain. Used to look for rainbows but now theres only rain.
Hope is fading and i feel so lost……
in the consequences of choices made when i didn’t know the cost.
Shes screaming inside me to not let go, but how much longer i can hold onto her i just dont know.

My heart beating so fast i am aching inside. Wanting to stand firm waring with wanting to hide.
Your angry and aggressive and feeling trapped. Your words and attitude hit me like I’ve been slapped.
I take a deep breath trying to stay calm
I set up boundaries to protect myself from harm.
I try to speak calmly stay neutral when i convey
Certain things when we communicate are not ok.
You don’t have to change or feel differently
But when those things happen it wont involve me.
I am learning how to stand up how to stand strong.
How to convey a problem without telling you your all wrong.
I don’t desire to control you, change you, or tell you what to do.
I cannot dictate what you feel and believe is true.
But i am also done hiding, I’m done buffering, or giving in. I wont make peace at my own peace’s expense again.
I wont participate in a conversation or action that feels unsafe or goes against what i believe!
I am no longer willing to participate in the chaos that makes my soul grieve