I feel like I am falling
And floating
At the same time
I look down on my hands
And they look like a strangers
I speak
And an unfamiliar voice escapes
I look in a mirror
That's not me

The streetlights turn on
Grayscale
And yellow
And humming
At the same time
People walk by
Their voices muffled
And blended
And tossed around

I'm not real
But they are
They aren't real
But I am
What is happening

The world is going to fast
But standing still
At the same time

My eye twitches
But these eyes aren't mine
I am watching myself
As if I'm a character in a movie
I watch my eye twitch

Who is in the mirror?
It's not me
Just a ghost
A spirit who never got to exist

The lights flicker
In a pitch dark room
The silence
Is so loud
It pierces my ears
I shriek
In a voice
That never was mine
And never will be
I really hope this isn't real

Last years thanksgiving
Was very different than this one
Heres how it went last year

I ate
Without a second thought
I ate so much food
I talked with
my grandparents
No arguements to be had
And then
I went to bed
After 5 minutes
of shutting my eyes

Here's how It went this year

I ate
Two pieces of pasta
I got as drunk as one could
Off of carbonated apple juice
I flipped my grandparents off
After calling me miss
She
Her
deadname
And a transphobic slur
We got into an arguement
Mostly about trump
And then I went downstairs
To draw vent art
Text my friends
And write poetry
All while drowning in a panic attack
And feeling like nothing is real

Isn't it strange
how fast things can change
In just a year?

My problems

1. I have ADHD
2. I have anxiety
3. I have depression
4. I have an eating disorder
5. I keep feeling like nothing is real
6. I pass out easily
7. I have trauma
8. I can't completely remember that trauma
9. I still get flashbacks somehow
10. I **** at drawing
11. I **** at writing poetry
12. People are getting bored of me
13. I get bullied every day
14. I'm trans
15. I'm queer
16. There is all this **** wrong with me
But for some reason
You want to be friends
But I know
In little time
Youll get bored of me
Just like everyone else

Today
I visited a cemetery
For a geocache
But I found
Something else
I visited the Italian section
Hoping to find some of my culture
But I found
A small grave
Sticking out of the ground
Labeled
”Alice”
It had her parents names
And nothing but her date of birth
And death
She was seven months old.
Her poor parents
She never got to speak
To walk
To wonder
To make friends
To go to school
To get a job
I wonder
If her parents still think about her
If they're even still alive

Poor baby Alice…

Its all a dream
The sky too blue
To be real

Its all a dream
I turn and turn-
But the mirror stays unchanged

Its all a dream
Faces i know are familiar
But they blur, leaving a smooth canvas

Its all a dream
I can't remember who i am
I keep forgetting

Its all a dream
Words melt together
Like a collage of confusion

Its all a dream
I'm here
But not at all

Its all a dream
Everything is so distant
Yet its all I see

Its all a dream, isnt it?

Its just a dream
Ive always been dreaming
I have to wake up

Its all an illusion
It always has been
I have to wake up

They arent real
They never have been
I need to wake up

This is all in my head
I dont remember anything
I dont think i ever have
I need to wake up

My hands are shaking
They always are
I need to wake up
I need to wake up
Its all fake
... i need to wake up

My vision is fuzzy
I'm losing my balance
This isn't real

Peoples words are blended together
I can't read anymore
This isn't real

I tell my hand to do something
And it fails
I drop my cup
This isn't real

Feeling dizzy
I always have
This isn't real

This can't be real
This is just a dream
My whole life
Is a dream
This
Isn't
Real

I'm in the dark
With no light
You actions left a mark
And now im stuck in the endless night

You mocked me
With your torch
I touched the flame
So now my skin is scorched

Youve left me with scars
Beneath the surface
Physical and mental
Geez. Thanks so much for your service.

I am not
Emo
I am
Depressed
There is
And always will be
A difference

On my first day in hell
The teacher gave to me
a bunch Of homework

One my second day in hell
The teacher have to me
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my third day in hell
My teacher gave to me
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fourth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fifth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my sixth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
6 pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework
Halfway done!

On my seventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eighth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my ninth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my tenth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eleventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my 12 (final) day in hell
My teacher gave to me
12 year-olds to manage
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

And now, to repeat it all again

the funny thing about screaming
is that you can do it silently
you can cry for help
just by making eye contact in a certain way
not everybody will notice
but the people
screaming
crying
and clawing at the asylum walls
just like you
will understand
and feel
your pain
i know i do.

i think i'm drowning
because i can't breathe
weights tied to my feet
making me sink
sink
sink
deeper into the unknown

i think i'm drowning
because i need a way to stay afloat
no way to breathe
pressure
pressure
surrounding me

i think i'm drowning
because i feel wet sand
beneath my toes
it's all dark
pitch black
all alone
my ears are popping

i think i'm drowning
because i am being choked
by the weight
of all my burdens
my
burdens
i
am
a
burden

i think i'm drowning
because i've reached rock bottom
i'm in the deep end
of the ocean
but nobody cares

i think i'm drowning
but i don't really care
at all
anymore...

DISCLAIMER: in this poem, i do not intend to harm or offend any religious folks!

i was raised atheist
so i never believed in god
once
when i was in kindergarten
a kid asked me
do you believe in god?
he asked everyone.
i said no
i was the only one
and he hurt me
he punched me
pinched me
kicked me
and called me a sinner

i keep getting hate
for how i was raised
in the 5th grade
i tried to start believing
but i couldn't
i respect others views
but i don't share them
and i don't think i ever will
i know a little about discrimination,
as a trans
queer
mentally ill
annoying kid
but i think others know more

religion is a silly little thing
for some people
it's their whole personality
because they love it
and for others
it is a weight on their chest and leaves them with trauma

i respect your beliefs as long as you don't force them onto me

School
Is a paradise
Where im away from my family
School
Is a prison
Where they teach us useless info
School
Is an escape
Where we can be alone
School
Is a show and tell
Where you are displayed for everyone to see
School
Is a place of mixed emotions
Where there is chaos
Peace
Hate
Love
Bullying
Friendship

.. I dont know how i feel about school

Honestly
You are my best friend
I love that we can call
And talk about nothing
And everything
All at once
Over the span of thirty minutes

I love that we can do anything
And enjoy doing it
Because we are together

I love that we can go on long walks
And it's like we are the only people in the world
Because we are best friends

I miss the good old days
Where we would go to the mall
Read books
Write poetry
And laugh

I miss the good old days
Where we would sleep over at each others houses
Talking about boys
And girls
And music

I miss the good old days
Where we would fight
But the next day
We would hug and make up

I miss the good old days
Where we would watch sad movies
And cry our hearts out
While hugging each other

I miss the good old days
Where we could call each other
Best friends
But i guess
Friends grow apart
I wish we didnt
Because I miss the good old days
And I hope you do too...

She told you you are ugly?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She talked about you behind your back?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She is being dramatic?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She told you you are worthless?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She didnt say goodnight?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
Nobody likes you?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
Anything happens?
Sigh.
And.
Roll.
Your.
Eyes.

i feel like i'm underwater
with nowhere to breathe
movements
s l o w
and
d e l a y e d .

i feel like i'm underwater
with nobody to trust
falling
d e e p e r
and
d e e p e r
into the ocean

i feel like i'm underwater
pressure increasing
lungs popping
no oxygen
no one to trust
going deeper
the hill is steeper
when you're around
you
c o v e r
my
m o u t h
i can't
b r e a t h e

you
w r a p
your
h a n d s
around my throat
and i gasp for air
when you
l e t   g o

but here i am
pretending to be happy as a clam
underwater
...

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

why do i feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i always feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

you never like me when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

hope is lost when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i don't want to be

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

anymore

it's a small world
one that we torture
one that we ******
one that we ruin

it's a small world
one that we contaminate
one that we pollute
one that we steal from

it's a small world
one that we never give back to
because now,
it is too late
sorry, earth

you can:
ill yourself
krill yourself
spill yourself
mill yourself
gill yourself
will yourself
jill yourself
fill yourself
hill yourself
till yourself
dill yourself
zill yourself
bill yourself
Lauryn Hill yourself
distill yourself
quill yourself
twill yourself
carboxyl yourself
shill yourself
shrill yourself


you cannot:
**** yourself

please don't

i once read this quote
and before i read it
i though nothing so short could make me cry
but there it is
"the night after i commit suicide,
i woke up.".
i don't know what it is about this quote
but every time i read it
i break down crying

i can't tell if it is hurting me
or comforting

maybe your love language
was anger
maybe your love language
was hate
maybe your love language
was treating me like ****
maybe your love language
was saying: "lol can't relate"

because that's all you treated me with
so i hope those are your love languages
because i hope you loved me

red
for anger, injustice and rage
because that's how you act around me
orange
for arrogance
because i think that's one of your problems you need to work on
yellow
for caution
because that definitely needs to be practiced around you...
green
for evil, greed and hate
because those are some of your only personality traits
blue
for sad
because that's how you left me
purple
for healing
because i will need a while away from you to do that...

stop it
i want you to stop
you are treating me like ****
you need to stop
stop it
stop it
stop it

so many times i said that to you.
but every. single. *******. time.
you ignored.

STOP IT.

I think I might not
Trust myself at all right now
Because why should i...

you should never trust someone who isn't trustworthy
i know it seems obvious
but some people keep giving them second chances

some people never change

i'm running out of time
i have so much to say
so much in my brain
so many people to betray

i'm running out of time
so much happening in this chaotic world
too many people to correct
too many people to tell "i'm a boy, not a girl."

i'm running out of time
so much to tell you
so much to give you
so many things that aren't true

time time time time time
i need more time
i'm running out of time
please give me more time
you won't regret it, i promise

School musical
Pretending to be someone im not
School musical
Its all an act
School musical
She's not someone to trust
School musical
She broke the pact

School musical
I sing for entertainment
School musical
Everyone keep your eyes on me
School musical
Ill dance and speak
School musical
There's too much to see

maybe only now I'm getting this realization
This realization that being treated wrong is not something to oversee
Maybe these piles of books are my only friends in this lonely world

But there she is
A candle in the darkness
A butterfly that flew into the endless abyss of the world
A savior, even though she might not know it.

Deep down
I know that she is the answer
The replacement for the piles of books

After being treated wrong
For all these years
Her presence felt strange, but in a way, right.
She is always there.
Especially when you need her.

And now I know
She is my best friend
And she will always be there
Because I love her
And she loves me
Platonically, of course.

Empty words
Never mean anything
"I love you"
Means nothing when they don't show it

Empty words
Are useless words
Because actions
Speak louder than words

Empty words
Are worthless words
Because heavy words
Will always be more meaningful
Than weightless ones.

Trust me on this

She's tired of a man saying her idea and getting praise when she got ignored
She's tired of being underestimated
She's tired of toxic masculinity from the people she used to trust
She's tired of loving and getting nothing back
She's tired of people using her
She's tired of giving thousands of second chances, without getting any change
She's tired of being mistreated
She's tired of being tired
She's tired
She's tired
She's tired
But she doesnt deserve to be

Sometimes I wish I could have chosen to be someone else
To be someone that people understand
To be someone that people like

But I now know that The people who don't understand me
The people that don't like me
Don't deserve my love.
They don't deserve my attention.

By the time I acknowledge this and leave, they come crawling back.
Funny that they didn't need me before.

People who take your love and don't give any back, they simply don't deserve it.
They are not worth your time.
They don't deserve you.
Remember that.

Hello friends! Me and my friend Eternity have made a discord server for the Hello Poetry community. We would love for you to join us!!! My name is Your Sleep Paralysis Demon, (such a cool name right?) And here is the link:
https://discord.gg/4Vdfty5d
When (if) you join, please introduce yourself with your Hello Poetry name and preferred pronouns!!! Thank you!
(For context, ice spice is Eternity)

Writing this because I feel like there is so much more to be said

A for anagram
Because you rearranged my brain like a nonsense sentence
B for below
Because that's what my social status is compared to yours
C for complain
Because that's all you ever did
D for dread
Because that's all you made me feel
E for even
Because even now, you mess up my brain
F for freak show
Because that's where you thought I belonged
G for girl
Because even though I was out to you, you still called me one
H for help
Because I think you need some…
I for idk
Because whenever I asked you a question, that's how you responded
J for joker
Because that's what you are, like the card in a deck. Useless
K for kid
Because you act like a toddler
L for lies
Because those are all you told me
M for me
Because that's who you never cared about
N for never
Because that's when you will realize what you threw away
O for okay
Because you know that I'm not
P for power
Because i never realized, but you had it all
Q for quick
Because that's how our friendship ended
R for revenge
Because I know it won't help
S for sap
Because just like sap, you are sticky and annoying
T for thumb
Because I always had to be the one to give you a thumbs up
U for umbrella
Because I was always the one to protect you from the rain, getting nothing in return
V for vacation
Because I sure as hell need one from you
W for whatever
Because you keep saying that, thinking it makes you sound cool
X for xenophobia
Because I think you have that
Y for YOLO
Because I really hope that you do
Z for zzz
Because that's the noise you made when I needed you the most

I think we might need another alphabet…
I know this one is worse, but it still says a lot and was hard to write sooo…

Do you ever
Look at a blade
And think
"Well... that belongs across my throat."?
Do you ever
Look at a bottle of pills
And think
"I should take them all."?

Because I sure as hell do

Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

Think about it
You could easily ****** someone and get away with it
Think about it
You could watch every movie there is
Think about it
You could marry your one and only love
Think about it
You could learn ever gen alpha term, including skibidi ohio rizz

Think about it
You could slash your exes tires
Think about it
You could spend all your life on a couch
Think about it
You could break every law
Think about it
You could walk never in a slouch

Think about it
You could fall in love
Think about it
You could run away
Think about it
You could fight off a bear
Think about it
You could only do these things if you keep living.
Every day.
Please dont **** yourself.

Folding paper cranes for you
Because I heard
That whoever folds the 1000th
Gets a wish
And I want you
To get whatever you need
Because you deserve it

Folding paper cranes
Because I need something to do with my hands
While my head runs away
Thinking thoughts that i'll never understand

10 years of drawing
9 years of being friends
8 years of being bullied
7 years of being bullied by you
6 years of guilt
5 years of trying to fit in
4 years of writing poetry
3 years of letting you manipulate me
2 years of knowing something was wrong with our friendship
1 year of trying to tell you
0 years of freedom

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTiredTired­TiredTiredTired
Thats me

it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said