I don't just have scars...
I have memories tattooed onto my skin.
I have emotions attached to my heart and imprinted onto my skin.
They are conversation starters that say all that needs to be said.

But they don't ask...

When she was younger she wanted to grow up and be happy.
Now that the years have granted her another birthday.
Is she happy?

She would tell you that happiness is a fluctuating feeling.
And that she stopped looking for it.

She used to plant seeds where seeds did not grow.
Recently she started to plant seeds in herself, even though the weather is uncertain
And the wind is strong
And the soil is still healing.

Something has grown...

Now that she's turning 21
All she's looking forward to, is seeing her garden be filled with flowers.
She's grateful to be able to experience all of it.

That's all she has to say.

I've been practising how to fix my contenance by trying to carve a smile in the corners of my cheeks.

For when I see you again.

When he smiles,
Instead of butterflies,
I'm flooded with nostalgic memories of times spent together laughing like hyenas.
And roasting each other as if we were marshmallows on a stick hovering over a campfire.
Memories of talking over the phone for hours,
Where he does not whisper sweet nothings to me, instead we speak about the moon,
the stars, everthing and question why everything is the way it is.
This is why when I seek comfort I go to him.
Because I get more than this,
He gives me insight,
A different perspective
Or a reason to self-reflect.

He is not my pillar of strength.
He is the healthiest relationship I've had with a boy for years.  
He is Ray.
Like the ray of sunshine flowers need to grow.
He does not know this yet
but he is definitely the platonic love of my life.

To: the nineteen year old version of myself who's falling in love right now.

Love him.
Love him with all your heart, lungs, liver and kidneys too.
In fact, just love him with your entire existence.

Love him even though he will not love you back.

And it's okay because I need you to do that for me so I can grow.

Love,
Me

My absent father made me feel a range of emotions,
Happiness was not one of them
And love was not included.

The past is a place where everyone wishes to go to once in a while.
But if all wishes came true
Then no one would be satisfied.
This is why minds should process,
That progress comes by being friends with the day and moving with time.

I am not weak.
But you will never know this.
Because you were told,
That I was enclosed in glass,
And that I needed to be handled with care.

Your mistake was thinking that I was made up of glass.

Dating you always seemed like we were holding hands at first.
Tightly gripped and firm.
Then you started to loosen your grip and I held mine in place.
Still tightly gripped and firm.
Over time...your hand started slipping from mine and I still held on.
Until that night...when you finally yanked your hand away from mine.

Now I hold my own hand...in a fist.
Tightly gripped and firm.

Waiting to punch you in the throat.

I  took  my wrist  and  cut  myself,
just  to  open  up  to  you.
And you  watched  my blood  as  it  touched  the ground.
I  waited for  you  to  move from the miles  you  put between us.
I  hoped that  you would come help  me close my wound.
Instead,  you  pretended  as  if  you  did not see  me.
And you turned around and walked   in the opposite direction.
Adding more distance  between  us.