This is not a conclusion ,
Maybe a solution?,
Or more like delusion
Heavy fog bearing convoluted contusion,
Like a blank check
Giving immunity and Carte blanc opportunity to sling this polution like drug king ........
Is there somewhere we can go and get off of advertising .....
It's a disease I......
We don't need .....
Or ......actually uhhhhh ya .....now i don't know
If you start to feel like you would be like a vegan at a meat party
Feeling like the only way you could fit in is if they put you on the menu....  .
Because you reject the ads you need to get clean from that ****.

Lover my love......
I'm lost in my mind .
And so afraid ...of     ......
What I might do ....
I can't loose you......
I can give you what you need.....
slowly die while you lie so sweetly next  to me
pacify the practical you
superficially.....
Poison me with domesticating Fatal agony .......
when you smile
Your eyes show me the Feminine fire
Smoldering inside. .....
Don't do this to me ......let me be.....
what you created........
The day you said hello.......
And manifested my destiny......
Please baby this killing me .
I can't just be the minimal man....
Take a kiss on the cheek ......
Then let
Bittersweet tears  ......
Fill my hands
You say your proud .....
Of me ........
To be .......
Your lady.......
Love me don't tame me ......
I can taste the raging animal in you
I need to give you what you want ...
With you I'm untouchable .....
I hunger for you without end,,,
My thirst for you Sara can never be slaked
I will say I love you till my mouth break.
Yah........
I can give you what you need ......
I don't want to .....
Yah ......
I can give you what you want
Thats what I want to do .......
Yah .....
That's what I need .....
Yah .....
But if I do ........
You wont want me.

Shutter without color ..
In the pale moonlight.
In repose
The enigma grows
Juxtaposed my stigma
Hypnagogic state
I contemplate perfect pathways to
Rehabilitate the inner vision of how  I would prefer to be percieved.....
Even though I know even so I go .......
Cue to the inner dialog....
"Oh.....sorry. ....uhm
Uh EHHM
This time it's gonna be different!"
Ok thank you . ..Mr ego.....
Lost somewhere between delusion of gandure and  philanthropy ave.
Meanwhile
Sudueo psyco psyche
Acting as though I have no idea what's lurking under the surface.
KNOCK KNOK
*** whose here ...
shhhhhhh
No !
WHY DID YOU OPEN THE DOOR.    
You let the iniquities in
Relax bro they brought some dope ....
What they bring?
A bowl of lasciviousness.......
Paranoia sets in
As if clandestine
Locked in
the bathroom with the hot shower on and the light turnt off
eyes closed
Sweat glistening
It's hard to stay focused when it feels like someone is listening .......
I'm getting busy exacerbating......
I go from in your endos to worst case scenarios like a pinball machine.
I think about things I've said and things I didn't say and opportunity missed and the long list of things I never followed through
upon impacts
Corelate similarities
To what I've done and  Acts done to me ....
And how I react to these....
When carna gonna be here and whats she gonna bring .....will it be something severe or a bunch of little things?
Am I the only one who doesn't get to be unkind......
Is it just me or is that just in my mind
Empathize for the vision compromised
Who cannot cannot see things right
Because they lack the ability to view the world through my eyes and  thus fail to see my sacrifices.  
All the good I try to do ..
And all the goodwill I think about . . .
I really want . ...
No i really do .....
At least I think I do....
I think I think to much ....
This is what I do to relax
......
In pops a memory

My councilor keeping me after school
..trying to teach me a thing or two ...she would say you need to learn to say no ...

So shed say
"Say it!?!"
I'd say
"No!!!."
She'd say
" are you saying no to me .....or are you saying no "!?!??
I'd say idk
Oh she taught me some things .

. Back then it was cool. Now it's a felone...

I'm a good person..
Honestly
Ar least I think I am
Or maybe


only I can see me as I really am ......
...
Or do I?

Wet with tears ....
Slowly closed into an iron maiden of irrational fears ....
The vomiting shutter of utter shock
When the icy cold realities
Start trickling in . ..
Pupils dilate .
The senation of sinking within ....
Hackles up upon the gruesome discovery ...
Of your lovers deeds....  
All your nerve ends wiggle straight up out of your skin
And writhe like little white worms and you slide down a chalk board for miles ......
Hit rock bottom ......
That's when
The poetry gets good

They stood.....
Monolithic,
Dark canopy allowed no growth.  

Ancient timbers of ironwood.....



Buckle the land ,
Fell by my axe in hand
bark and limb......
Used to build the funeral pyre,
Ring the knell and set it ablaze
Flames licking nights sky,
Torrent fed by my pain.
Cyclones  of scorching winds
Driving  everyone away,
Through the plumes of smoke ,....
Crackling sparks illuminated my way
Power induced by trauma. ....
Channeled without fear .....
Focused to a beam
Intention set to redemption.....
My word is my world
Safety features shattered ......
Laboured unimpeded.....
Coals melting rock ......
No way to control
Fixed gaze .......gritting teeth
Fists gripped so tight skin splits,
Bearing weight causing shin splints
Feeding on back biting and chiding
Insatiable thirst

Kept only by tears wept

Rendering this forest glen
Into inhabitable zone
One by one I alone
Drug these timbers across  barren sands of the dunes...
Drove them into bedrock...
Under a blood red moon......
And the clouds loom burgundy with traces of gold ...
pungent musky plumes of revenge
Like the kind of scars that tell the tales
Which will never be spoken .....
Secrets that
Change everything.
Take away something
You never get back ....
I weep not for my acts .......
Lachrymose   most tears fall for what I've done to me ...
I grieve for the way life used to be.
Machiavellian monster  
With the trees I built a panic room.....
Because of ways I faced a future of doom ....
Imprisoned within this personal tomb....
I pace ,
reflect .
In retrospect ....
I pontificate.   Round the clock ....
I squander everything to ponder In quandary. .....
Ist there a difference between fate  and destiny ...
Is this preconcieved.......
Birth to grave?
I wander and wonder .....
For I know if I can start over again ...
I wouldn't change a ******* thing .

C'mon admit it ......
Submission........
Can be easy ....or impossible
To give.....
That is a given .....
To recieve .......
Wooow that's a whole different thing.....
Especially for lover.......
It can torture.......
Never knowing it's fruition....
Because in you mind ...
It's not called submission
It's called love.
Even if the other expects it .....
You know that it is not right
If it's a demand .......
And you knowing
Think it's benevolent of you to
Continue in hopes that someday they may see the hell they put yiu through .....
And you stayed anyway .... .
Then they will be so indebted....
This is a spell
This  will not  end well for you....
I need you to know that you
Are worthy of praise ....
I see the pain you go through
......unfortunately.
They never will ....
You will be left with pain
And blame.
And blamed ....
Insane
You know it
Admit it
Love you're self ...
Don't play that game.
Please!

Sorry or. .....
I guess....
Excuse me ...
Can I get you to just stop talking and maybe.....
Break this convoluted
Delusion.
You have a tendency
To fall into this illusion
That part of our mixture
Is susceptible to infusions
Of outside impurities .....
I need you to see
That we are in solution ...
You and I no longer exist ....
There is only us
This is the matrix
I love you .. . .
Us .........
The perfect confection
Unified perfection
We love as one
You are everything I dreamed of .
I love ...
You
I love us .
Our love to me,
If allowed
Will be ....
My Magnus opus!

Time........
Keeps.......ticking.......
Mind keeps sticking.......
Tired of being .....
Forced to live life .....
Fourth and goal.....
Cramp in hamstring
From kicking!
Can't we all just get ahead?
......
Please...

Beautifull perfection ....
The world stalls the go round
To see you......
Smile .....
Uncontrolled
You roll your eyes and I'm....
spellbound.....
Excuse me while I...
Levitate ....
You like my style ?
DONT MOVE......
I will stay right here
And move the world
To bring you close
Allured into the divine glow.....
Thine eyes have been
Graced by etherial diety,
Sweet tears flow
Basqueing in your ambrosial beauty is ,
Ineffable.......
Aphrodite......
I am incomplete without you....
I completely belong to you...
To stray is  an absolute
Impossibility
A superfluous absurdity

Dis cord and several years from now.....
Descendants of this generation
Shall receive not but aught....
Fake ......hollow  war makers ....
Battles fought.....full of pride
Souls bought .......
Wisdom and clemency offered
rejected
Hissed and scoffed at ......
Entitled ......peace breakers ,
Backbiters...
They will divorce the elders and our traditions..... ......
we speak they scream......
Then when the dust settles
They're ears will be pricked ....
Wide eyed and fiendishly
They listen ..
..to the one..........
As they slowly grin and bend the neck straight toward you and I....
Squint the eye .....
Clinch fist so tight skin splits ....
As......
A.I. DROPS THE FLAG AND ALL THE TECHNOLGY CHANTS ATTACK........
THE CHILDREN WAGE THE SEIGE AGAIN .....
Under the regime
Of artificial intelligence.....
roaming the streets under the blood moon ......
With nothing  left to do .....
On this mossy rock .....
Anarchy...
..



It's OK.....
Well do it different ...
Next time?

Next time no oil no borders no cash ,checks ,credit cards .....
No cool cars .......
Vigra ......yah .......
But herbal ........scary movies ...?
No thank you ......

Was reality,
created
found
Forged
Forced
Or was it naturaly
Explanatory?
Was it or is it ..
You have to disprove it ....
Or if not ....
Then it is what it is ...
I t  I  s

I said ......
Because.......
Is the opposite of
......
Why ......

Sunshine glistening
Off a solem fat tear.....
Gently caressing my flushed cheek.....
I turn away unable to speak ....
"Look at me" ........you say
Laughingly......
A million words better than beautifull .......
Could never define you ..
Adequately
You said "I love you"
To me ......
This moment is ineffable
A warm quiet breeze
Berefts
cherry blossoms from fragrant trees ......
Flitter by diapheneously. ....
Gently touch down
Into a clear mountain stream ...
Enhancing as they flow away ....
Like my worries and doubts when I'm with you.......
Enchanting ..........
How you shiver me
With such natural elegance
your voice .....
Angelic
Your words alluring
I am spellbound by your eloquence.......
HONORED
And ....... I do
Blubbering.....ly
Look at you
Honestly..........you are an obsession.......
Not a choice.
Nuanced .....even your essence and the world un voiced.....
Everything that is not you is
Ambiance
I get lost in you're eyes
I see a reflection of me .. ...
The un-conquered spartan that's been all but beat out of me
By peasants who pretended to be
Lovers .......
Who were really handlers
Who used me. ..

No dearth of concern
A cornerstone decree
traumatic legalistic promissory
Top priority..
Believe me...... .
priceless .....
You have earned your worth....
I reiterate
Make no mistake
I have 427 lifetimes to burn
The leverage of jupiter slamming into earth

Pitched upon a galactic beam
Mars wedged up tight
Set as the fulcrum.  
I'm in the pinch point
Child's play
Worry  not .....
For I shall not sway  ......
You clueless clucks
get you're remedial  game face on
Because ......ooooh its on
Every goose 🪿 gosling or wanna bee's.  
Flock up and shut your squawk boxes from talking
And listen closely your new objective ........
...
READY??????............

PAINT!!!!!..........


****­e is our tapestry
I'm gonna make It wet .
You will make it sanguine......
Discontinue your disgusting campaign on my love
And  Maybe ........
It will change the outcome..
Maybe .......
I will render your recompense
Swiftly .....
It's a definite Maybe
....
Oh were still gonna paint the sky ...
You and I.........
Your blood ,
My brush ,
What a rush ......
You little reprobates
You're  all  dumb done

Lasciviously.
Imprisoned within this room
My love in full bloom
Subconsciously awaiting
Death to set me free.
Shakespearein tragedy
I'm  cupid+karma offspring
Crestfallen I cry .....
Engulfed licked by flames of passion... ...  
I couldn't have conceived a more beautifull obbsession.....
My doppelganger in the opposite ***......
(Censored)

deep rich luxurious ***.
.......

(UNCENSORED)
she's in love with me..
Yet here I sit
Chatatonicly......
In self denying stigma
A superfluous stupor of saddening miserable stupidities....
Literally killing me .....
Tombstone reads
"benchmark of irony"
The greatest romantic Martyre
His time spent his last days
Gazing  at the most glorious love
Seducing death
knowing he posses the key
Rebel without a clue !
I know what I need to do
And I don't know what to do
*** is wrong with me?
HELP
PLEASE
THIS STARTED OUT AS A Haiku

Eluding is the variation unseen
Through the porthole
Of an uncaring mind....
Consistency is the well spring
That consistently brings change ...
Positivity over time.... .
The key unlocks how you be too
The change you will see
That it is the only consistency
Change is inevitable
Fate or destiny
You can decide.
Change or not
Do or die
Dont complain to me......

faraday box
im kept.......
content.....
mmmmmmm...
except............
"I OBJECT"
CONTEMPT........
accept.........
submit..mmmm
fit?
NO...­....
CAMO .....
chameleon...
or........
Machiavellian?
You decide sunshine
its not my paradigm.
illuminate .........
dazzle you with up to date
environmental conditioning
as  I emulate who they think they want to be .........
I ll keep you spellbound....
I shadow........
mimic,,
and imitate......
"Yo!
Im kool az f..k......"
thats wuzup......foo.....
thats what you see.
thats me but thats not me!

the gift of insecurities
is a crime to humanity
symptom's cover you from head to toe...
like an  infectious disease.....
the only know cure ......
is to belittle  and then infect the one you adore ....
and then leave them .....
alone and hollow......
from time to time
be kind to them
when they start to feel better
then
pull the rug .
kick them in the face ....
laugh and leave again......
worked on me.......
i got so many ......
problem is i cant treat anybody
like that ........
if youre getting it.......
just remember
trying to forbid the things they do.
will reflect on you ....
and they will do it anyway..  .
the harder you try.
to stop them the more
they will say
it was cause you pushed them
to do it.
sorry .
the only thing you can do
is walk away .......
and love yourself
because they wont......
you deserve better .....
love yourself
hope this helps someone
i just really really really do.
i love you
..you should too.

Tyranaical exorcism
Price was high......
Never in question
Sovereignty is life
Is it the same ...
Fight and die for it
For without it .......
You die......
We did ..........
Now which state do you live in .
Soil stained in crimson
Musket fire
Frostbite,
animal pelts ,
Symphonic disturbance ,
severing forced allegiance
new born
Crawls out from the bogs of blood.........
Coddled ..........
Nurtured
idealistic visions
Naivety
Carte blanche reign
....
.......
..........
One degree.............
Per ...........year.........
...
........
................
Until
From the people  came
Refractions turned decision
Into indecisions........
And slowly division
To schism
Victim became juror ......
Juror became judge .......
Judge to ruler
Executioner
Executive disdain
Erupts from shame
Game remains the same
Only the names were changed to protect the innocent .... ...... ......
I'm not ,
And I won't put out ,and I won't give in.
A pedigree of irrelevancy
Bullied by the establishment
are we over governed by our government......?
arent "WE" suppose to be"them"?
thats how it was set up
way back when
a concoction of
Condescension and half lies
consumed our  purple skies.
technology looms
peach tree they see everything we do
world wide web .........and cell phones
killed our saturday  morning cartoons
left with a dog day afternoon
and a voice thats out of tune
AMERICA AMERICA
ATTICA ATTICA   
living on fast food
not quite enough revenue
dwindling rights/writes
and negative news
meant to manipulate
and propagate capitulations
trying to pit friend against friend
causing social injuries that  wont mend
wounded dogs backed into a corner of our own den
what happened to the souls
who were fired for not wearing a mask.  
meanwhile we all learn the new term multi-ask
what can you do
what would you do
when and where
will you
if you do....
what will happen to you
are you brave enough to be the
iconoclast ?
outcast I won't be tamed
or  board they're train
Look into my eyes
The red
I will see blood shed
Before I'm dead.....
Statue your move
I won't....
When you see the white of my eyes ........
Too late......
...
In the center blue flames
.....I won't consent
Or give into .......
You........
maverick im color blind....
i decide who and why
i like or dislike based upon
morals and integrity of ones mind.........which matters not
if you suffer injustice we will fight.......
side by side
if i really dont like you
then back to back
never eye to eye.
because thats
Who........
Is supposed to protect us
we need to pick and choose our battles
otherwise we destroy ourselves from within
Meanwhile
I remain
In the rain ,pains ,
Cold chains around my neck........
To be continued.........

My tears shall never answer my please ....  
That ,which I want
Shall always remain
Penultimate reason
I fall to my knees.....
Love .........
Forgive me ......
I know not why I do these things .
.............
I appologize that's a lie .....
I do .......
In sin I know also
I try not to ...........give in ......
I know you still love me even though I do ......
Forgive me .......
My love if I could ask of thee ..
Let me speak directly to her heart...........
All geese and geeseings disapate...
Loose any memory of Her....
Then loose your mind and continue life in misery
Get in line for your torture enternaly and know where you go there is no outcome
Your existence will only be known by you ........
Forever erased from our memory.....
.......
And to you the one who .......
Captivates me ......
Allocate me your trust and love...
I pray thee
My love I shall endure what ever need be
to show you my love only grows continually
I will always be the one who will always keep you before me
Your love is my world .....
And I love living to love you......
You are  so delicate with your affections
My fear is when you do fall in love with me ........
My tears of joy would never end .........

Thank you my King
For everything I love you always in all ways ......
And especially for letting me speak to her heart directly

Should I lie in lasciviousness
All alone and lonely
Psyche's split I sit...
Stoic  catatonic contemplating
I know I can't control me
Consoling me only feels
Like condescension
An offence cajoling apprehension...
Exacerbating    ...
The fact that the act of stating
"Can you just  listen  without psychoanalytic interjection
I'm just venting hear me then let me be !"
In my attempt to negate a pitty party
Is met like a request for intervention.......
Maddening .....
Gaslighting making me repeat things ....
Not listening...
I'm being an idiot
I already know these things
And don't give me that fat bottom lipped ,"oh I feel your pain....
You need a hug....."
Eyebrows thing....
Course I want a hug
*******
FYI not gonna lie
I know it may seem like I'm chasing a pipe dream....
But I never..........
Have been afflicted with such an addiction to someone like this before
I mean ....  
I'm complete with her
And she compliments everything.
When I'm not with her
I'm dying.
Tryin to invent new ways to help her fall in love with me ....
I know it's killing me..
Don't worry ..
At my funeral you can say
" I told you so...."
I still won't be listening
I'll be busy coming back to life to be with her again

Bittersweet love.......
Leave ..........
Babe you are killing me.....
You treat me like I'm a king
Please ?
No don't go ......
Stay ........
DONT LISTEN TO ME!

You see me .........
forgotten .....
Over Confident
Loyal and secure

Courage and chivalry
These shine through when I'm with you.....
It's what I can't see ....
Who are you with what are you doing ....
I'm tortured by my lasciviousness
I'm tearing off my skin....
I will do anything
I'm a slave to you....
If you love me then leave
Go now and don't come back ....
Go far away ......
I never wanted an open relationship
I only ever wanted you .....
I have to let you see and do whom ever you want ........
I hate you for that .....
But I love you more than that
...........
Please don't leave me ....
Please don't go...
Babe?....

I know the shallow ....
Mostly hollow part
The empty fields .....
Burst forth with pain
And misery.......
I have fallowed them away ...
External me .......
Seeing everything clearly
Is not what brings to me
Good feelings .....
It's gritty......
Duality ........
Head in the sand ....
Avoiding normality.....
Looking cheerful and
No worries....
It's all good ....
Yup yop that's me...
Fatefully yours ....
Externally

Ink ban.......
Dippin dinky donuts
Don't care where the drips land
***** coffee stained canvas
In contrast to splatter splashed crimson
Schism after schism ...........
I'm contemplatingvalot of things
Got my toes in the sand metaphorically
And trying to write poetry
on wet tissue with Red crayon.....
It's like drawing a schematic on a live moth wing,
Ampersand
all the poems
End up verbal ***** talking about
Making a video of me
Eating my heart out reciting
the unexciting recipes
I have tried and
asking how can I sell it as muck bang?

As I wander in quandary
I ponder less on what's been squandered ....
I don't want to see ...
Focused mostly on  soaking in dulcet fantasy
These pangs of sundry pains
From priorities rearranged
Seduces me to escape into
What could be
My heart grows fonder....
As I continue in thought of you
Help me.....is this my fate or destiny.......
Am I distorting reality.......
I'm really begining to wonder
Will these lessons ever lessen
Is it   obsession  that  pervert my intentions
Am I  the reprobate?
Does my wanton state
Negate my ability of keeping my head straight..........
I'm just pondering here...............
During conversations.........
My infatuation scales conversely
With my linguistic agility
Along with chemical imbalancing
Lexicon gone
Let's just say I struggle the um
To get duh
The word me say to you........
So could it be
Things you say to me
Might be rearranged
Used to fuel my campaign
Unbeknownst to me
Completely
Incongruent to what you were trying to convey
Naw.      It couldn't be
.......ERrrrr could it though........
Or how would I know ??????
Maybe I'm a smooth talking  genius
With a deep jazzy dj voice
That makes you mostly want to listen
As I spit my game
At the Same time
Im
perpetrating
Another clever deception....
Extorting cupid to do his thing
Making you fall In love with me.....
By writing the worst so called poetry the word has ever seen
Hmmmmmmm,
I'm shifting from pontificating
To exacerbating.......
Do I think these tactics and my immaturity
Will persuade you to love me....
I do ...
I think ,therefore I am,
And you are.....>
Because you are everything
And I will never be caught....
Not being in thought of you
I will live forever trying to recompense
The immense happiness you have givin me
I'll do anything ........
"C" ko mo no
You are tha Kaarrcktt one for
Me Ott Minnon
I love you Sara.......
Please talk to me

To you whom
No one could hold a candle too...
To me
You let love come through ....
You needed someone
To take your pain.....
You were my Cain
And I was Able
I loved you

I see the words on the screen
Instantly forcing me to my knees
Face grimaced,,,every muscle tensed
Tremorring eyes bulged bloodshot
I'm slobbering,,,
Chest collapsed in my hand
Fist gripped so tight skin splits
And in the silence
Ten times worse

.........

.......
  

Nothing.........    


Stop ignoring me.  




This is madness

After what you told me

Love I love life ....
I love my.    
Self.. .
when I am with you...
Somewhat less
When I can't be...
Because of things unseen......
......Love.    ?
You know that life is created and based on memory
Some have bad some have good
I have a good memory.......
Which is not good ....
Because I have a lot of bad memories......
Which cause me to collect ...
........
things .
Like different things,
Like why did she say that..or
Out of character acts...
Why did she say it like that...
And especially why won't she say that ....when I triangulated the conversation.  In such a fashion
Then this phrase is the only way the convey what is being said ..
Instead she changes subject.....
Gets mad and reacts
...
I see patterns, tells,triggers ...
My mind is the only thing
I have to depend on to defend me...
Love .......I love you ....
I'm so very happy......
Loving life live with you.
Love making with you beautiful memories
Creating loving memories is the greatest part of my life.........
Integrated motivating me to generate positive frequencies ....
Living to be selfless and fully
Giving and encouraging......
Giving me courage and strength beyond my means .........
When you act indifferent to me ,say mean things and laugh at me.      
Leave me alone and ignore my messages.    
I hate me and the way I think and how humiliated I let myself get I torture myself
And the prospect of you loosing me doesn't seem to bother you a bit........I am the iconic catatonic wanna be your true love but will never be .......because you are perfect to me and i love you unconditionally and completely............... And that is I guess not how love works....unfortunate for me

If I could fly away I would . .
I should . ... ..
But will I ......
If I could be something else.....
I would become poetry ....
More specifically ......
Poems written about you
Using the perfect words placed perfectly which roll off the tongue like an ambrosial candy
Revealing everything beautifull
I see in you.........
Only for you to see how much you meant to me..........
And you just walked by looking for something better.......

735 different puzzles 1000 pieces each
Dumped out in a room with no windows
No visuals......
One clue .....every one placed
is a choice
When made illuminates a small handful of potentials you choose the next to layed.......
As each puzzle complete you see 735 puzzle pieces ........
Putting those together it will show the question that is you
Which I am the answer too.....
The picture is destiny
We fit perfectly
You complete every facet of me
And enhance everything
We stay equal.......
One is not above the other....
Agree to coexist as one
You make me beautiful
And full fill our promise as individual.....
It cannot be a mutual 50/50
To achieve greatness
It must be 100/100.......

If you don't give a hundred percent means you devalue the others commitment
As bitter roots establish
Strongholds ....
Your worries are being sold
To the subtle one
Increased vulnerabilities
Give beelzebub
Points of interest and  leverage
10 fold

So ........
The question you seak
Is in the answer you speak.
You want to be better than me?
Are you asking
Can I be
Or could I be...
I believe you could be
Let's see if you will be....
First reference to original statement
The answer is do what I do ...
I am not better than you because
I am better than you
Not because you believe I am...
I am better than you because
I CHOOSE to be.........
To be or choose to be is the new question
I'll use
To all who wake  up humanity

Ssssssssscccqqkauwwwwwissh
The gentle soft sand just flowed over my toes....
then under foot
Caressing my naked  skin
Back out to sea it goes ....
Sssssssssscccqqkauwwwwissshh...
Coral and nectarine colored sky
Casting my gaze up
squint
Cumulonimbus growing on the horizon
At the waters edge

First covered the foot
next went over the shin
Bring down the eyes I can't see
Sssssssccqquusaaaaaaawwwsssssssssshhh
Over the hip then dig in pulling me out to sea
Tides coming in
Sky is dark end
Long ways to safety
Wind kicked up going against me
Picking up sand
Abrasive
To say the least.....
Peruse the beach not a soul
All alone
Sqqqqqqquuuooooaaasshhh
Over the shoulders lifting me slightly
Panic
Soon as can touch running
Next wave coming
I ride as far and swimming as fast as I can then dive down all fours gripping the sand
Once the pulling ceased
And stand
Then do it again.....
Swallowing mouthfuls of saline choking
Collapse after reaching the shore
I hear beeping and someone  snoring...hit the snooze button
Almost time to go.......
These are what nights like when your anxiety peaks and you can't sleep .......
Until that first snooze
Then suddenly you're
Thirty ,forty five, .fifty four..
Groggy late for work once more fumbling the keys open the car door
Turn the ignition
Dead battery

I love you intoxically...
Like a venom filled rig ....
You fill me with love
Like fire burning  colored gem's
Radiates me euphorically.
Then leave my mouth foaming copper acidic and green
Gut empty writhing
Toxic ............
Your mean ........
I can live without your love
But  not the pain .......
You are my ******
...my ******
.
.
Stay......


I need a fix

I'm fixiated


Fix me




Please .....






Why do I need you?

Let's forget about it.......
Fe pyre that so
Impedes me......
I wanna remember everything..  .
Re-live and regret .....
Burn it ...
Let's do some mescaline and swing from the mezzaning

Oh the eb and flow of love

. . .
Is so
I don't know
I guess intriguing?
When I'm in
Remove my skin .....
Let there be nothing
Between me ...
and what I'm feeling.......
When I'm out ..
Don't look at me
Help me ......
Tighten this tourniquet around my neck
I Don't want to feel these feelings .....
Don't want to feel anything
...

You will never see me ....
Not the way I see you...
I know that ...
Only because
.. there Can never be a desire as strong as that ...
No flame higher......
No place I would rather be
Lost in a passionate fire
I can never be found
Not in thought of you...
Forever I  love you..

How deep can I see?
Thats..........
A......
Uhhhm ......
Well look can you rephrase
Please.........
Oh.....f..k
OK why...
OK OK......I'll answer
Oh now you want honesty
Too?
You shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.....
My depth perception is only d
As deep as the answer you seek.........
I know how deep I am ....
And the instant i feel inquisition
Im looking for the angle and who is going to be the beneficial recipient ....
Your the one leading the witness......
Play your cards right
We can do the fandango
**** me off.......
Let's not go there.......
The truth will set you free.
And truthfully it is the only way to be real........
Sometimes being set free seems like the end of the world to me.
Will I go to the question

(OK just a heads up
It's a long ways awY thing)

She said
"Look ,you say you love me....
Then just trust me I'm not goin to do anything  to intentionality hurt you."
.....
Seriously ?
Do you know how many different ways that could be read.......
Honestly to me....
that's a full blown confession.....
OK OK OK........
That's all I have to do ?
Is just trust you...?
That's all well and good....
In fact that's super easy .....
But what about all these anxieties, triggers and abandonment issues ,
Fits of jealousy and reading into everything being said to me
From all the years being used and confused so bad I have to question reality....
By the ones I loved and trusted unconditionally ?
Ohhhhhhh
....because it's you.  

OK love please dont yell at me when I say I love you.....
It hurts me.......


AND IM PROUD TO SAY TO ALL YOU I ACTUALLY SAID THAT .....
YUP CLEARLY AND LOUD......
Fortunately I said it in my head......
Uhhhm.........
Ya.................

Time it takes ....
For me
To recover ...
From certain things
Slowing
Urgencies  ....
Growing.......
Yet I still sit still .....
I know ....
What I should be doing..
That part of me is currently..
Disabled......
I bury my head in pursuant of what I shouldn't be.........
Keeping me from what I could be....
So....
I simply justify by lieng
Using time constraints ,back pains ,
Covid ,or what ever it takes to postpone ..
Now I'm burry........
Lay awake all night stars in my eye
Some times a few tears .....
A little worried
If I finally find >........
...
It again.         Love
Will I be able.  
Or will I finally find that love all along was my Cain......
It's killing me
I'm alone and emotionally unstable

Many moons,
Flitter by ......
Haven't got the glitter out of my eye
My reflection is blurry
Mold upon my window cill  !
I sit dormant.....  
Dark grey consumes.
Hopes  and dreams ...
Blue skies  ,
Sunny days
Everything I want to do.....
A.K.A.    .........
YOU.
.........
I finally find.  ....
Only to find
I ....
Can't have you....
Change the epoch
******* epic
Ethan Frome tragedy
Deep convulsive inhale
Fade to black
Fin!
.....
...
.

In love ....or angered....
S

Im not trying to offend you....
I don't need you to defend me....in fact I don't need you for anything..........
You are simply the best thing
I have ever had
From beauty, to wit, to love making . ......
On and beyond everything ...
Your love drives me mad
I want you so bad I can't breath...
I mean that's fairly straightforward! right ?
She should get that .......
I mean ........I think ......
Oh great it's still typing

Some say, they say....a lot of things,........
Uhh EHHHM...
Ya can we get a fact check
On anyone running their neck please ?
Or did this next gen.......
Receive diplomatic immunities ?
Now we're just supposed to capitulate and be-friend ,
Instead of trying to defend
What we pretend not to know
What is the real reality........
The last sacred theory....  
I hate to say it ........
Will reality withstand
Think of the implications.....
If we let this one slip
There is nothing left.
Not one single thing....
Thought ,said or read .....
That some fool can't debate
Don't hate ,debate or speculate...
Rebuke
But Be kind  ,
illuminate ,
Educate....and rewash the brain washed mind
Don't let the end of times
Find us ignerant.
You see what I'm getting at ....
It's a stupid writ
But you can see what I'm sayin...
(Well obviously cause your reading it I know)
This is real.
Oh it is though...

Love..........
Is.   Well
Like a fox glove....
In it's native territory
It grows in abundance
In full bloom tremendous.....
It's poisonous
And yet you can save lives with it.

Forlorn . ....
And so many wartorn years ago
Seemingly A millennium spent....
Regarding gravity and intent
Learning loves early forewarning
Now love for me is scorned,
Around the Cape of the horn
I stand up on a mountain
Through lightning and driven rain
I rent my mantle .........,and lament ...
I'm still in love with me,
Yet I'm lachrymose
I feel ....everything
more than most
My love ....
deeper
therefore
Bemused in remembrance
Not confused on the verdict
Incarcerated over-recompensed
How long can this sentence be ?
I would have rather swung from the gallows
Than to be lovelorn
With my fertile field of love fallowed
Hollow........
Followed by the future ghost of me,,,,,,,
Constantly haunting.......
Like a mocking bird squawking......
I told you so......

Privily.......
A treacherous cyst of regret
Slowly forming around my
............lonely heart
I'm a bittersweet sea
There is only me in love with mourning me

Friends, and
Family
Everywhere......

I feel their every stare.....
The worst of which
I can barely bear.    
My reflection
Won't make eye connection with me anymore...
Blood .
..shot eyes.  
Snot ,tears ......
Blubbering.
Convulsive inhaling.....
Worst case scenarios
On repeat .
I'm up braiding the pain caused by me tuning it inwards to pay Penance
This is all the things I've done wrong marathon
Staring me as the morrow
I'm the only one invited .....
No one sees the pain
I hide it everyday thinking this surely means I'm a good man......
Ironically since Noone sees
Me Bleed internally
They assume I haven't changed a thing.......this why evey mistake made is to the world not a big deal
To me it's everthing...
It's devastating

I can still feel you.....
I still hear your laugh
You are still the one
Everyone wishes
They could have.....
You are still .....
The one
Apothecary salve
You soothe my soul
The emollient
smoothes and removes

All my muck and uglies.
Somehow You give me empathy...
For those who bruised me...
For  with you they can see
How beautiful I am ....
And now they envy
The one Everyone
Wishes They had......
You ......
The one who's in love with the thought of being in love..
Me who is perpetually
In love with you only...
your love makes me whole......
Ampersand.......
You elevate me to King ...
All masculine
Top of the world .....
No hands .
..
You make me .....
Wanna be a better  Man.
........
Don't read.....
"Don't read this forgemeknot" on collection  page...color.......

You will find your heart .....
And behave differently
.......
Then everything be still.  
And quiet.    
Urgencies and emergencies
Fade to oblivion.....
All Lilliputs strings....
Slip away tickling
Leaving you tingling
You feel connected
But not bound .
Not afraid to commit a faux pas or mak a loud sound...
Liberated your free .....
Alone you no longer feel lonely
My love will hold and protect you .......
Although you have me
You're security burgeoning
No more need to submit .
This I will not allow you to do.
...
Yet listen to"sunshine superman "
By
Donavan .
Then commit
Or
Not...
It's up to you boo
Either way you are unique
All clichés aside.  .....
You are one In a billion
Completely changed my point of view .......
Yes I really would stop the world an melt with you.....
I'd walk the streets of pain Grrrl ....
8 million times for you....
I never dreamed I'd meet somebody like you.......
At night I wake up with my sheets soaking wet .....
With a freight train running through my head....
I know random quotes from songs ist like anything
But original.......
But read beginning to end
Again ......you just did your already beginning to forget
What hinders you now read again ........
You already did.....now you under my love spell
Don't read again or you'll never wanna leave me......
Sup2uboo!
012357911. 13.  17192329

Powers out better part of the day ...
Currently staring at the ceiling
Racked by  the cracking ...
The creaking .......
Heart stabbing  slapping
of my stupid screen door.......
Relentless driving wind.  ....
Hell bent on getting in........
Wearied .....
A little worried......
And then ..............
My phone just died
It's 1........13...AM.....
I'm alone..
I'm hearing things .......
Scratching.......whisky throated whisperings.... scuffling........
Morbid moans.....
Bone chilling symphony from
The wailing cathedrals of woe......
Finally there's no more...
  of  the tap tap tapping on the widow.......
Which took all my will to ignore .....
Footsteps on the roof ........
Crash and thud........
Outside my front door.......then like a slow metronome
The pounding ....
Slurring painful groans
At first incoherent...
I SCREAM "
LEAVE ME ALONE ....
THIS IS MY HOME ....."
I begin to understand ...
And I creep across the living room floor .....
It's saying" open the door ,
It's love and the reapers right behind me let me in.........
Finally I can take it no more ....
Butcher knife in hand ....
I rip open the door....
..
And there is nothing more.......
Nothing more than a mirror with me in it........alone and lonely
Except for ........behind me
I can see
A reflection of the SABOTEUR....
The REAPER.......
Shoving a butcher knife in my back .
In retrospect
I  flash back on my relationships of the past
...and it's me .......
Self sabotaging

And the lights come on .....
Metaphorically......
Like an EPIPHONE.

Too fast .....



.........
????????????




Now I'm thinking.....
.......
....
.  
Is it ......
Or is it  knot .....
A good thing

Let me let you....
Fall in
And then......... .
Thank you I got this ....
Ill take it from here......