words had maddened me....
the cobwebs hanging from the drafts of the only room where I felt at home but also as if I was completely losing my mind.
his invisible hands wrapping around my throat trying to choke me.
my hands were ****** with all the truths I could not tell him,
refusing to let escape my lips and make a noise.... but slowly they were sneaking through my hands, the words running down my lips to my finger tips.
the candle lit beside me was the only light left,
not being able to reach far enough to my soul to reignite it.
paper thrown everywhere, as my only listener....
but his imprints were on everything....
including me.

I couldn't help but smile when you talked, something contagious in your voice that sent bubbles through my stomach.
you didn't think you were attractive, and I guess I didn't think I was either....
but god, you had no idea.
everything about you was beautiful, from your hazel eyes to your red hair, every word you spoke was like honey, and I was getting more and more stuck every time we talked.
it didn't take me long before I knew....
I knew you were the one I wanted to fall asleep beside,
the one I wanted to hold hands with through life,
the one I wanted to tell my day too.
and all it took was your honeydew voice....

you had a gun,
there was blood everywhere,
but I couldn't run....
I saw the tears drowning in your eyes,
and I knew it was all a big mistake.
but you were the one holding the gun.
I didn't even hear it go off, but it did.
everything was supposed to be alright
you told me you had to do it.
and I believed you....

if all of the pieces fell into place could we make it through time and through space?
if everything aligned in the sky like we deserved, could it end up being you and I?
if not.... hold me one more time, tell me that in another universe there's a perfect you and I.
kiss me slowly like we have all the time in the world, like when we first fell in love.
I know all we did was try, but some would say it's better this way.
everything was gone in a blink of an eye.
and I guess it just wasn't mean to be you and I.
not in this life, it's not the right time....

I thought loving you would be like coming home....
or how it felt as a child to be carried into the house by your father when you were almost asleep in the car.
but I wasn't even close....
loving someone is like nothing else, I couldn't tell you anything in this world it is like.
but if I had to try to convey a fraction of what it feel's like, I'd say this.
Love is a war nobody will ever win, they will think they have but in the end nobody wins.
someone will always be burnt, fractured, bruised.
love always leaves scars.... on you or them or someone far in the back, someone who watched from the side lines wishing to be seen.
Love is a battlefield where nobody knows who's side their fighting for.
I used to think love was like coming home, but it's like going to war, blindfolded.

what if I never forget you....
what if ten years go by and I still remember how your upper lip twitched in that lop sided way when you were confused.
what if I meet someone new but all I see in them is missing pieces of you....
what if twenty years drag on and I'm still stuck on you.
how you smelt of pine and whiskey, tears and regrets.
what if every night when I lay in bed I wish you were there beside me, holding me, feeling your heart beat against mine.
what if life gets away from me and I miss out on everything I want, because you were most of it.
what if I'm on my death bed, aged with gray hair and tired skin, and my last thought is that I spent my whole life loving you, even when you didn't love me back.... even if you left?

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?