No one can know your pain
Not nearly as well as yourself
But the rope won't take it away
It just gives it to someone else

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

Even if I don’t acknowledge it,
It’s always there,
Waiting…
The need burns within,
My demons are screaming for me it
My mind is craving it.
The feel of a blade on my skin
The sting of cutting myself open,
The rush I feel when I see the ruby red blood
I NEED to feel all these things
Even if I don’t know I need it,
They keep telling me.
Cut.
They chant.
Spill your blood,
You deserve it for not being enough,
I’ve become addicted to the feeling
The feeling of something other than
Self-hated
Anger or
Sadness
I could finally feel somethings else,
Pain.
I could physically feel my demons dripping out of me
I could feel the relief of my emotions
I could feel free,
Even if it's just for a moment,
It helps
Cutting helps me accomplish this
I am always weighed down by my problems,
I’ve finally found a way to…
Just let go for a moment

How many times do I have to feel like this? Isn't time supposed to heal all wounds? It's been 15 years and I'm an hour away from the house you died in. I still see your corpse with perfect clarity when that tragic moment decides to replay in my mind. I remember holding your lifeless hand crying so hard I couldn't breath. I remember the paramedics forcefully removing my hand from yours as I screamed so loud I couldn't speak for days. I remember as my brother and I clung to each other like a vice regardless of how much we hated each other. I remember crawling under my bed and refusing to eat or do anything for days. I still can remember the feeling of your cold hand. I just wish I could remember you without that moment playing in my head. Because instead of remembering your beautiful smile and boundless love, I am haunted by your lifeless eyes and your cold unresponding hand. Time doesn't heal ****. It just makes it harder to remember the love you made me feel, the confidence you instilled in me, and the lessons I learned from you. I love you and I miss you beyond what words are capable of communicating.

The day you left me was the day the world flipped upside down
It was the day we hit absolute zero,
The day there were no wars, no conflict, no death
The day you left me
Was the day everything I thought was impossible happened
You were the nerd, the perfectionist
Always memorizing facts of the arcane
Leaching Wikipedia articles for all they had
Too busy with science to prioritize matters of the heart
And I was too busy dissecting muffins, picturing my bones as a perfect xylophone
Imagining myself shrinking and shrinking until I was as hallow as I felt
You wanted a science experiment so bad, too bad you never realized you were dating one
You’ll never know how much I loved you
There are archives, poems stashed away of our love
Snapshots that force me back to the days when you loved me too
When a writer falls in love with you, you can never die
You will live on in the words I wrote, spend years in a dusty box tucked in the attic
But you will never be gone
And I will never forget
And you’ll never know how much I miss you
Oh, God, I miss you
I wish I’d told you I loved you more
I wish I’d counted all your freckles
I wish I’d made the time spent with you count
You told me you still wanted to be friends
But how am I supposed to be friends with someone whose lips are still stamped on my brain?
How am I supposed to be friends with the person who I thought would be my beginning and end?
How am I supposed to get over you?
I miss you so much
But I also miss the feeling of hunger, I miss sneaking off to the bathroom to rid myself of guilt, I miss the sadness that was so strong I couldn’t tell where I ended and it began
I can’t hurt myself anymore
My hands are as red with guilt as yours are
I chose depression over you
Every time I canceled plans,
Every time I pushed you away,
Every time I hid inside myself
I made you a third wheel in your own relationship,
Took the hand of depression while you watched on
Forced you to see our inside jokes
Paraded my infidelity in front of you
I have other loves now
I am head over heels in love with the human brain
I’m not much for flirting
But talk to me about the self-fulfilling prophecies and cognitive dissonance and I will fill your mind from dawn till dusk
And I am in love with words
With flipping through the pages of a book and knowing there’s a story there
With the greeting of warm papers from the printer and the click of my keyboard as I fill up empty space with life
Would I be alive to enjoy these things if it wasn’t for you?
I don’t know
But I am not obligated to take your outstretched offer of friendship
If I have learned anything in recovery it’s that I need to put myself first
I don’t owe you any friendship just so you can feel better for breaking my heart
So If I can’t be your girlfriend and I can’t be your friend
I guess that makes me nothing at all

Fingers slide down your throat
It's hard to forget, as you choke
Every bite you took today
Stupid girl, disgusting shape

Watch it come back one by one
Tasting it twice is half the fun
See the colors mix and swirl
Till your marker appears in the bowl

Wash your face, wipe your mouth
Now that you're sure it's all out
Look your reflection in the eye
Smile, like you don't want it to die