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Sunset Meadows Aug 2018
People don't know
Why I do what I do
Why I cut
Some people think it's disturbing
Some think it's for attention
And some just tell me to stop
But it's not that hard
I guess I could've stopped it
Way back when
But now it's too late
I'm addicted
Why do you think anyone does drugs
It's not because they're cool
It's to numb all feeling
To help
Depression is just as addicting
So is cutting
It started how any addition would
With just one time
One time became at least every month
Every month became maybe every week
Now it to the point where I do
Anything to feel pain
It's the control
You can control the pain
If you feel pain on the inside
There's no way to control it
But on the outside you can
You can cut lightly
You can gouge your skin
Whatever you need in the moment
I don't get why we hide it
Maybe we're ashamed
But we shouldn't be
Because it's not us doing it
It's the repercussions of an illness
And it's people's faults
Because they put those thoughts there
They make us hurt
We just are trying to deal with it
So when someone trys to tell me
Just stop
I tell them
Its not me that's doing it
It's them
Some people may not understand this but I hope it will bring understanding to those who deal with friends who self harm.
  Aug 2018 Sunset Meadows
zoie marie
hi my name is broken and
i once caught my father using all his teeth hands lip and tongue on a woman that was not his own
outside my bedroom window,
i spent the night trying to convince myself that
love is real love is real love is real
because after that i wasn’t ever really sure.

hi my name is survivor and
i was once a punching bag for my stepfathers anger and houses in the country will forever terrify me
all because of a random man and his prying fingers and his sticky gum,
and then there’s this third set of bones and dark flesh that made me so afraid of my own skin i had to tell myself
i am beautiful i am beautiful i am beautiful
because hate and death wasn’t my only option.

hi my name is butterfly and
i once broke every bone in my body falling so hard for a girl with the loveliest voice i’ve ever heard but she had other bodies underneath her
thick brown belt
she wouldn’t let herself feel all the things i felt,
i spent thanksgiving in a mental hospital chanting over and over
i am lovable i am lovable i am lovable
because without even trying, she had managed to convince me that i wasn’t.

hi my name is destroyer and
i chose water over blood because blood burned and drowned and buried me ten feet down all at the same time and i didn’t want to die because of them
anymore
i split in half all the walls and windows and doors to my home,
i needed to do and be what was best for me so i told myself again and again
i’m not alone i’m not alone i’m not alone
because all i felt was the aftermath of being the very thing that broke up my home.

hi my name is lover and
i tend to give too much of me way too quickly because i don't fall in love, i dive with feet facing the sky, head towards the concrete
and i wonder how i end up being so broken and incomplete
so i wound up all the glue and all the tape,
i muttered over and over in between each breath
fate isn't fake fate isn't fake fate isn't fake
because my heart always seemed to pound a few beats behind, a few beats too late.

hi my name is suicide and
i stepped in front of trains and bullets and knives and i hate yous and you’re nothings all looking for a father that
never really wanted me
he broke my throne, i cut more than just my hair, i no longer want to be here,
and i screamed at the top of my lungs because
it’s worth it it’s worth it it’s worth it
it just doesn’t feel like it anymore.
it's been such a long time, i don't feel the same.
Sunset Meadows Aug 2018
How can I live?
It's so hard
To just make it to the next day
You know it's gotten bad
When your only sweet relief
Is either death or cutting
Or feeling any pain
When you need pain to
Just get though the day
When everytime you try to do something
It makes life worse
What can you do
When you can't escape
The nightmare of the day
Not even when you sleep
When no one understands
What can you do
When people just give up
Because you're too much of
A mental case
I'm tired
Tired of people leaving
Of people getting tired of me
Of people hating me
Of people being fake
Of me
How can I escape myself
I need help
But no one can help
Cause the only people that
Can help are
Dead
Maybe I should follow
Maybe then I can escape myself
From this hell
The war going on in my head
The war for my mind and soul
I'm tempted
The trade would be much better
Than this
But for now I guess I'll try living
Even though it's so close to
Death
I've been struggling these last few days with a lot of things and I'm sorry if my poems are a little dark, I just need a place to vent.
Sunset Meadows Jul 2018
I feel like I'm drowning
No one can stop me
No one can help
I will die of my own accord
I've lost all control
I can't swim anymore
I'm losing everything
My mind, my heart
Every person
I'm becoming crazy
An animal
Everyone is sure to run
That's all they ever do
If they try to stay
They get hurt or
I push them away
I can't stop it
Everyone has just been fake to me
Who can I trust anymore
Is there anyone
Can anyone hear this silent cry
Can someone see this hurt
That I'm dead inside
I'm not hiding
It's the real me
Not a fake version
Sunset Meadows Jul 2018
Him
There's no one like him
When I first met him
I knew
I could trust him
When I first knew
I liked him
I didn't wanna tell him
For fear of him not likeing me
Or ruining the friendship we had
If he couldn't be mine
Then friends was ok
When I first met him I felt something a stronger connection
I still feel it
Except now
It's stronger
He's the one my forever and always
My only one
I never imagined that I would
Be dating a nerd like him
He stands out from even the nerds
He's my nerd
My greatest wish has become a
Reality
He doesn't fit into any category
Except for the category of mine
He's all mine
Forever and always
Always will be nothing could ever change that
Him
Sunset Meadows Jul 2018
There's this feeling inside
It won't keep quiet
I've tried
But every time I think
Its gone, it comes back
There's still this feeling
He likes me
Even just a miniscule amount
Maybe he really doesnt want to
Hurt me again
At least that's what he says
I wouldn't care
I would do anything to have
What we had
It would be worth it
I was getting better
I know I wasn't a good girlfriend
Even though every time
I say something like that
He always says
That that's not what it was
But mostly every failed relationship
Has been me
Me trying to hard
me showing them too much
Or too little
Showing me
Being too deep with things
There's just so many things wrong
With me
I mean I don't have friends
And its most likely my fault
Some how at least
I've hurt someone with out knowing?
I even hurt someone I used to call
My best friend
Maybe I tried to hard
But can you blame me
When its the only thing on my mind
To get him back
I couldn't stop thinking about it
About him
He's so amazing
He was my therapist
My best friend
My closest friend
He made me a better person
Maybe I'm addicted
I know I'm addicted to something
He knows what that is
But he wouldn't do anything
About it cause he doesn't care
He always says that he cares
But based on his actions
Its not hard to tell that he doesn't care
The addiction is stronger than ever
I don't think anyone can help this
Soon it'll over take me
If it hasn't already
Can I really be saved?
Even if I went to a professional?
Would I even say anything?
Would I be closed off just like
I am with everyone else?
Could I actually open up
And finally be happy Again?
Or would it just fall to
Pieces?
Sunset Meadows Jul 2018
I want to be strong
But it's just not working
Why does life have to be so hard
I've kept this charade up too long
It's breaking through
I want to stop it
But how can I
Does anyone know
How to stop the hurt from coming out
If someone does will you show me
The way, the path
Help me please
Please don't leave me on my own
I can't take it anymore
My heart is done breaking
My tears are no longer showing
They hate the reaction they get
They've hidden themselves
But they have it easy
They can hide but I can't
Or else people would know
Something was up
Something's off
Well yea something's off
Something's wrong
My whole life is falling apart
But yet no one sees the hurt
Going on inside
Even if they've gotten to know me
They can tell something's wrong
They're just too scared of me
To ask knowing it will be ugly
But its not like its going to get better
If it doesn't come out
They make a laughing stock out of me
Do they not know what its like
Do they not know the pain
What is wrong
They ask
OK I'll tell you what's wrong
I have too much **** in my head
In my life and no one even ******* cares
That's what's wrong with me
I look like I'm strong
Well let's just say I'm good
At faking things
My mom doesn't know what goes on
I bet you if she did
I wouldn't be here
I would be in a mental institute
So many people don't know the real me
A lot of times they dont want to know
But I don't blame them
I wouldn't want to know me either
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