Your son sat on your lap
while you waited for the bus
to pick you two up.

Do you remember?

It was a cold December afternoon,
but the moon was already out.
It was rising as the sun was setting,
do you remember?
Both giants were reflecting off of the bus stop glass.

You had your son in one arm
and your bag on the other.
Your bag dropped, remember?
I picked it up for you, remember?

The bag spilled onto the sidewalk.
Your journal and wallet and camera, all of it.
I picked up the contents,
gave it to you when you stepped on the bus,
and you smiled.

Do you remember?

I said you had a radiant smile,
then the doors closed.

Dear, do you remember?
...dear, don't close your eyes now.
Please remember, dear...

do...yo u . .   . re me mber   m    e   ?

He orders a plate of his favorite cigarettes
(Lucky Strike) (filterless) (nostalgia)
and a cup of coffee
at his favorite diner across town
that surprisingly hasn't burnt down yet.

He sits at a window booth and
he observes
a couple making lust in the street(Lucky Strike).
He observes
an infant child begging his mother to stay(filterless).
He observes
hummingbirds pecking at the corpse of a dog(nostalgia).

His hat is emblazoned
with valor and bloodshed and death.
His legs are turning into dust
out in the midst of a battlefield
where other soldier's limbs are turning into dust.

Yeah, he fought for t(his) (nostalgia).

Seven demons out at sea,
the ones I casted out of me.
The tide washes them away
and I pray that they find decay.

Lust was swallowed by the sea-
a failed act of *******.
Greed fell pray to crystal blue
hoping the ocean would make do.

Gluttony, and empty man,
tried his hand at Leviathan.
Envy felt its resentment
and dissolved for mere contentment.

Sloth sluggishly found his rest
in the ocean's sufficient breast.
Wrath destroyed his dreadful cage
and his happiness spilled his rage.

Pride found me in deep pleasure:
My satisfaction - his leisure.
He drove me to the great wave
where six deadly sins were enslaved.

I tried to write today, but my head is filled with so much anger and my heart is so confused as to why I’m so angry that I crashed and burned and tried to pick myself up and put myself together but I realized that this brain is so malignant and so highly medicated that the only thing I could do was walk around all day as a cracked and punctured and bruised shell of a man that incessantly screamed until his lungs collapsed and his vocal chords burned down and his blood was dripping from between his teeth and he couldn’t believe that he believed he could actually write something today.

My joints ache and my back is broken.
My lips are parched and my throat is decaying come on and hydrate my being.
Because I know one thing is for sure -
Heaven and Hell both long for my soul,
and this dense and gyrating battle
exhausts me immensely.

My eyes are sore.
With one blink, the dawn returns to dusk
and the owls start to call out to each other
No sound of the morning songbird
or the church bells signaling the Seraphs to flight.
I am always in the night,
and always in transit with the nocturnal

Let us hold each other to sleep.
No liquor will drown the moon away.
Sense my brokenness and fill this empty vessel.

We are shipwrecks needing rescue.

I’ve burnt through so many cigarettes that
my mother would be ashamed of me.
And I could blame my father
for leaving his 100’s by his wallet and keys,
giving me the nicotine for free.

What will it cost him, though?

My lungs were becoming his lungs.
It’s frightening how a vice
turns into an addiction
that turns into an idol
that turns into malignancy.

I watched him hold a lighter.
I watched him hold the cancer between his fingers.

I’m watching him turn into the ash
that fills the ash tray sitting in our backyard.

It’s funny how weak one sees another
when one has overcome a dependency.

Put down the matches,
and give your lungs a break.

To the choirmaster:
Are your voices rising
as well as you conducted them too?

Are you doing good to Zion?
Are you building up your walls and are you delighting in right sacrifices?
Are you offering burnt offerings? Whole burnt offerings?

Are you offering bulls to the altar.

Are you going to just stand there and pretend nothing is wrong behind that mask of yours?

I know I am.
Come join the party!
We're starting to get a crowd growing, and another layer of make-up is going on the faces of
the broken and the bruised.

Yah, your face too!
C'mon, all of us are doing it!
Let peer pressure puncture your
legs and jump off this bridge with us.
We will rock this room for hours
until we hit rock bottom
and bottom out and
crash and burn and
burn alive.

I know my transgressions,
I know what I'm doing!
I know what the hell I'm doing to myself!
I don't need you to tell me when to
stop smoking
stop drinking
stop cursing
stop lusting.

Stop murdering your brother, Cain,
and let Abel be.

I can't stop.

All of these demons know my name.
They rot and they ruin this fragile frame
and blame me
and me alone
for this travesty that was caused.

Now, I've tried to die already.
Three times! Let's make it four.
I am just a ***** of a living being
that doesn't deserve this
breath
after breath
after breath.

This voice is yelling "YOU CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE".
This voice is yelling "CRUCIFY HIM!"
This voice is whispering "Take and eat. These are the pills that were given to you to stabilize your mind. This I give you so that you can sleep and never wake up. Take and eat, son".

Don't you dare call me son.

These demons may know my name,
but my Father knew it before I was conceived.

I am my Father’s, and my Father’s alone

Father, please, listen to me! This is your son!
Please don't say you've forgotten my face
because Father, I constantly forget Your name.

Father, I'm shattered and sorry.
Have mercy.
Have mercy on my bloodguiltiness

Father, this world is scary.

Dad, don't let go of this small hand of mine.
Cast me not away from Your presence.

I just want to come home, Dad.
Against You and YOU ALONE HAVE I SINNED.

Every day it's been this way,
but you know that already.
Please erase me and leave me tabula rasa.
Hide your face from my sin.

Create in me a pure heart.
Restore to me Your joy.

Open my lips, Dad, and my mouth will declare your praise.

Come thou fount of every blessing,
tune this broken heart to sing Your praise.