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 Jun 20 bleedingink
eliana
My body craves it, but my mind doesn't.
Next thing you know, the bite goes down my throat.
"Why are you doing this?"
"You're a disappointment."
"You'll never reach your dreams."
"Why don't you just eat less?"
The devil on my shoulder says.

It's not easy. It's never enough. IM never enough.

"Didn't you just eat? You're eating again? "
"Why don't you eat? You've ate nothing but gum.."
"Hey, you look a little glum are you okay?"
"I miss her so much. I had just talked to her yesterday."
i look at myself and i dont like how i look but to others they say i look beautiful. theres also people who say words that hurt. some day they will learn to watch their words.
i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself
I am both
The best
And
The worst parts
Of you
I am you
And
You are me
There is no me
Without you
And
No you
Without me
We are one
And
the same.
Mother and daughter
 Jun 20 bleedingink
unnamed
You're a girl with too much lightning in her veins and not enough kindness for herself.
 Jun 20 bleedingink
Eden
Awaking with a crushing weight deep within her chest,
She takes a step, eyelids brimming, fighting for a breath.

Glancing at the empty walls, taunting in their frame,
This unfamiliar place, not home, ignites a quiet flame.

Longing for the warmth of the place she called her own,
Knowing it’s forever gone, reminded she’s alone.

Her heart once bursting, full of laughter and of love,
Never questioning her worth, or if she was enough.

The halls of that home etched with memories galore:
The laughter, the scents, now locked behind a door.

The safety, the love, the comfort she had built,
Gone in a moment, like a radiant flower’s wilt.

Now torn away from the life she knew,
She stands alone with hollow walls,
Unsure if she’ll ever etch joy again through these halls
Sadness claws and rips,
the fiber of my being,
inches from my soul.
The first time I showed my grandmother my poetry,
she looked me straight in the eye and said,
"You know poets die young."
I tried to push it away for years,
just crazy words,
from a dementia-suffering old woman.
Now I can find the truth in the words.

We are a community of wandering souls,
looking for a place to call home,
looking for someone to love
that will love us back.

We're a group of people who hide pain,
who shove it into words,
as we cry silent tears,
every day becoming heavier
under the weight of the world.

No wonder we die young.
I wonder what younger me would think now,
looking at my face.
Would she still think I was pretty?
Would she still think I was nice?
Would she still think I was smart.
Would she still see herself in me?

Would she still see
the girl who hid under the kitchen sink,
and danced in the rain,
and sang until she was put to bed?
Would she still see something worth saving?
Some piece of me that was heaven-bound?

I still feel like her.
I feel like I'm still that small,
like I'm weaving between the legs of people in the crowd,
looking for my mother,
looking for someone to guide me,
but finding only stranger's hole-ridden jeans.
lost.
a lost little girl.

a lost little girl,
fading in and out of existence.

a lost little girl wearing
a polka-dot dress.

a lost little girl
looking for home.
 Jun 19 bleedingink
Ash
And so I dig a shallow grave
for the fairytale castles
All of a love that never was,
laid softly in the earth
Being alive is
making me
nauseous
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