When you say "I love you"
Please say it to me
and not while looking somewhere or at someone else.
I don't have the guts to tell you and so
I live with my own consequences.
Have I ever told you that my body is no longer as important to me as before?
That getting sick and feeling pain is a way for me to know I live?
Have I ever told you how horrible I feel day after day?
That each hour passing by decreases people's love for me and I don't want that especially if your love for me as well decreases.
That each time I do not fulfill your request you'll love me less and less.
Angering you does nothing to help and so I am not to speak lest I disappear for long from this earth.

The strongest people break too,
they break when they are all used up.
At times like these a hug can help put the pieces back.
A simple hug that isn't malicious, that isn't carefree but meaningful.

We all need it once in a while,
Right now? I need it.
I need a genuine hug,
A caring hug,
A hug that means you care and you understand,
A hug that will make me feel safe again.

But right now?
No one is there to give it to me.

Why is it sometimes relieving when I think of how I die?
My imagination places me in everyday situations and just dropping down dead. Then people would stop and stare or maybe just pass by?
Would people other than my family be affected?
Would my so-called friends even realize what hurt they'd put me through?
Would you even care?
Would you ever realize that sometimes you step on me and I allow you to because I'm scared?
Everyone is scary.
They all can break me apart
I want to die and just go away to a better place
I want a new life..
I want some of you in it but that will ever happen will it?

It's ironic to think,
I forgave my bullies for what they put me through.
I worked hard to make them my friends,
to make them feel happy and loved.
Only in the end to be heartbroken, left an outcast, forgotten and hated once more.
My heart hurts each time I see what is left of a once fruitful friendship
and to remember only all the times you shunned me before and excluded me from your lives.
It hurts, please I thought you knew me
I am not strong enough for all this
Please I don't want this pain anymore
Please

I'm sorry for being too analytical,
for thinking too deeply about things around.
I'm sorry I feel unwanted,
I do appreciate your effort, I'm just not used to it.
I'm sorry I can't handle myself,
I don't know how.
I'm sorry if  hurt you.
Some you deserved and others were just what I was used to.

I'm sorry that for all my wrongs "sorry" is the only thing I can say
I'm sorry because I am ashamed.
I'm sorry because I am insecure.
I'm sorry that I cannot explain myself to you.
I'm sorry that you can't understand what I try to tell you  so instead I hide. I hide everything because I feel as if no one will get me. No one does.
I'm sorry that I still feel hurt when your eyes fill with disappointment because I can't deliver.
I'm sorry if I was not what you expected.