So you meet this boy, right? And you fall in love and it's beautiful and poetic and he's "the one". But then he leaves you and it's Christmas time and you're hiding in your aunt's bathroom as he screams at you "I don't love you anymore! I don't ******* love you anymore!" and you think that the windows are going to break even harder than your heart because his voice is so loud and there isn't anything beautiful or poetic about this. You tried for many months to convince yourself that he loved you but somebody that loves you wouldn't set you on fire and laugh when you begged for water. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should have left the night you threw the glass at the wall and I should have never came back.

I sat for an hour in my car, in the cold, in the silence. I went through pictures of us until my thumb went numb. I let the life drain out of my phone battery and then I let it drain out of me and then I began to cry. I don’t know why I get so sad sometimes, I just do, but I wish I could stop it. How come every time you drive away it feels like I’m never going to see you again? How come my heart breaks with the weight of missing you when you’re only a room away? I don’t want to need you. I don’t want to do this to you. I love with no point of return and no intent of returning and you ripped the map up the night I made you laugh for the first time.

You are crushed up candy hearts. You are a song that gets stuck in my head for weeks on end. You are skin on skin. You are heat. You are electric. You are my journal, the one I lost and still cry over. You are forgotten movies and discarded shirts. You are meeting me half way. You are meeting me at the bridge. You are desire. You are coming home after the longest day. You are what it feels like to have your bones settle in. You are sweaty palms and wet lips and sparkling eyes. You are comfort. Have you noticed that all of my poems start with "you" these days? There are two hearts left on your bedroom floor and while one may be mine, they both belong to you.

You told me that you had ruined me for him. You told me I would never fall in love again without the constant reminder of what we had. You told me nobody would ever love me like you did but you never even loved me at all. You told me that I could never be with anyone else, that if I ****** anyone else you would find out and I would be in trouble. You say you've never loved anyone like you loved me but your love is black and blue and I never wanted it. I have let you go but I know I can never out run that night, and I guess that's alright because I am in love. Oh my ******* God, I am so in love. He meets me at the bridge. He meets me at the bridge and he doesn't even have to think twice about it. I feel that you have ruined me but he still manages to find a light in my eyes. I have to thank you for everything you did because if you hadn't left me on that bridge, God knows where I would be today. I would like to be able to say that this is my last poem about you but we both know that isn't true because for some reason addressing you in this way makes me feel better. In person I can't even hear your name without being reduced to a quivering leaf but when it comes to words, I am finally in charge. I have control over what happens here and you cannot hurt me. I could say a lot of things about you. I could say that you hit me, that you used to try and get me drunk so I wouldn't put up a fight, I could say that you ***** me, I could say that you cheated on me, I could say that you manipulated me, I could say that you tortured me. And while all of these things are more true than I would like, the worst thing you ever did was make me believe that I didn't matter. But you know what? I ******* matter. My therapist says I stayed with you as long as I did because I had Stockholm syndrome and you even said so yourself, that I only wanted to love you because you hurt me so badly and I thought I could save you. But, you know what? Consent is important. Safe words are important. Love is important. I am important.

My heart
Is a happy drunk
A little too open
A little too optimistic
It's over in the corner of the bar
Playing poker
Screaming at the top of it's lungs
I'M ALL IN
When it's never
To this day
Had a winning hand

My heart
Is a sad drunk
A little too lonely
A little too caught up in tears
It's over at the counter
Forcing the bartender to take its keys
Because it would rather not go home
Than go home alone again

My heart
Is a reckless drunk
A little too unbalanced
A little too impaired
It's over by the door
Making everyone nervous
A little too good at scaring people away
A little too far gone

Like you
A little too far gone
Turn your head
Shuffle away and pretend you don't notice
The breakdown of a heart
Too drunk on feelings
To know when to stop